by Aurora Rey
Something in Olivia’s tone, something uncertain, made Joss’s stomach clench. “You don’t sound sure.”
Olivia picked up her head and turned, looking Joss in the eye. “I am. I do. It’s just that…”
She trailed off. Joss waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. “It’s just that what?”
Olivia sat up now. She pulled up the sheet to cover herself in a way that seemed strangely out of character. “It’s just that I’m not sure if I can do it.”
Joss sat up as well. “Carry a child, you mean? Give birth?”
She shook her head. “No. That, ironically, has never frightened me, at least not any more that it should, given what’s entailed.”
That was a relief. Joss hated to be clichéd, but she’d always assumed—hoped—that her wife would be the one to bear the children. Seeing Kel do it was amazing and had opened her mind to the possibility, but still. “So what do you worry you can’t do?”
“Be a parent.” Olivia sighed. “Be a good parent.”
Joss was surprised. Over the last few months, she’d come to think of Olivia as the type of woman who could do just about anything she put her mind to. On top of that, her energy seemed pretty boundless. “What do you mean?”
Again, Olivia sat for a long minute before answering. “For most of my life, I figured I’d have children one day. As I got older, though, I thought past the want and started to doubt whether I’d be any good at it. The whole unconditional love thing, the energy and devotion that it takes to do it right. I don’t think I could be a stay-at-home mom.”
Joss thought about her own parents. They’d always both worked. And while the fact that it was a family business probably helped, she’d spent plenty of afternoons occupying herself, or when she was old enough, helping out in the office. She’d never equated love with that kind of constant attention. “I couldn’t either. I don’t think that means I wouldn’t be a good parent.”
Olivia didn’t seem convinced. “I spent more time with my nanny than I did with both of my parents combined.”
“I’m sorry. That must have been really hard.”
“It wasn’t terrible. Louella was a lovely woman and I adored her. It’s just…I think my parents are good people. They provided my sister and me with so many opportunities.”
“But?”
“But I think they see their children as an extension of their success. When I decided to push back against their expectations, it created a lot of tension. I love my parents, but there’s always something hanging in the air between us. I couldn’t stand to recreate that dynamic with my own children.”
“So who says you have to?”
Olivia’s expression turned sad. “I don’t know if I would or I wouldn’t. That’s what scares me.”
“Don’t you think that awareness, that desire to be different, counts for something?”
“It would be nice to think so.”
“I certainly think so.”
Olivia smiled. “Thanks.”
“I mean it.” Olivia was such a confident woman that seeing her unsure—vulnerable, even—made Joss want to be her champion.
“I can tell. So what about you?”
“Kids, you mean?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t feel compelled to carry them, but I definitely want children. Family is the most important thing to me.” As nervous as she’d been, it was a huge relief for Joss to say it out loud.
Olivia leaned forward, resting her chin on her hand. “Can I tell you something?”
Joss swallowed. “Of course.”
“My ex wanted to get married and start a family. It’s one of the main reasons we broke up, in addition to my deciding to move a thousand miles away.”
“Oh.” Joss felt her heart sink with disappointment. She tried to tell herself it was better to know now than in six months or a year, when she was completely invested in something that wasn’t ever going to happen.
“The prospect of doing that with her filled me with an over-whelming sense of dread.”
Was this supposed to make Joss feel better? The whole it’s not you, it’s me routine?
Olivia took a deep breath. “I don’t feel that way with you.”
Wait. What? “What do you mean?”
“All those doubts I had with her, all the doubts I feel when I think about my own parents. It’s different with you. The doubts, they’re still there, but they’re less somehow.”
Joss felt a flutter of hope. “Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’d be lying if I said that watching Gina and Kel go through the pregnancy didn’t stir up those feelings in me to begin with. But since we’ve been together, it’s felt like less of a vague longing and more like something…concrete.”
Joss was pretty sure she understood what Olivia was saying, but she wanted her to keep talking, especially given this turn in the conversation. “Concrete how? Do you mind elaborating?”
“Concrete like I could see it in my mind.”
“See what exactly?”
Olivia looked away. She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation. It was only a few months ago that Joss couldn’t stand her. Winning her over was one thing. Getting involved was another. This, however, this talk about family and future, seemed surreal. For all that Olivia liked to think of herself as fearless, this made her more than a little unsteady.
She forced herself to return Joss’s gaze. There was such a sincerity in her face that Olivia found her courage. “I can see what life could be like, what my children—our children—could be like.”
Rather than alarmed by her admission, Joss seemed happy, excited even. “Really? What does it look like?”
Olivia wondered if she was blushing. It sure felt like it. “It’s not like I fantasize about what our kids look like or anything.”
Joss smiled in a way that warmed her from the inside. “It’s okay if you did. I want to know.”
“It’s more like flashes of moments. I see kids running around the yard while I dig in the garden and you build a tree house. Little feet running down the hall and jumping into bed with us. It’s silly, really.”
“It’s not silly at all. It’s exactly what I want, what I’ve always wanted.”
“But I’m like the last person on earth you wanted it with.” It pained Olivia to say it, but she knew it was true.
“That was only when I first met you.” It was Joss’s turn to look away. “I was judgmental and a jerk. I’m sorry about that.”
As far as Olivia was concerned, it was water under the bridge. It mattered, though, if Joss only thought of their relationship as a diversion. “I’m not looking for an apology. I don’t want to make you feel bad, either.”
“Okay.”
“But since we’re having this conversation, I need to know if that still matters.”
“What do you mean?”
It felt like their relationship had grown into so much more, but they’d never talked about it. “I mean, am I still someone you’d date, but nothing more?”
Joss leaned forward and kissed her softly. “I wouldn’t have asked you if you wanted children if I didn’t take you—us—seriously.”
Olivia’s heart beat uncomfortably in her chest. Her relationship with Joss was shifting before her eyes. Unlike with Amanda, it did not fill her with dread. That was, in itself, a wonder. “I take us seriously, too.”
Joss kissed her again. Again, it was soft. Or at least it started out that way. The softness slowly took on an edge. It became more insistent, pleading. Olivia’s nervous pulse shifted to desire; it made her feel flushed and out of breath.
Joss shifted to a kneeling position so she could move closer. She cupped the back of Olivia’s neck with her hand and held Olivia’s gaze. “I want to build a future with you.”
It was a somewhat obvious choice of words, but Olivia relished the idea. It wasn’t something bought or handed to her. It wasn’t packaged up with her parents’ seal of approval. It was somethi
ng they could build, together. “I want that, too.”
Joss leaned forward and pulled Olivia into a kiss. Olivia had never experienced something that was at once so tender and yet possessive. It awakened in her a need, a longing, that she hadn’t even known was there.
Joss guided her until she was lying on her back. The feel of Joss braced over her, the press of her body, tipped Olivia’s scale of feeling back toward desire. As Joss trailed her hand down Olivia’s side and along her thigh, Olivia arched, aching to be taken.
“Easy,” Joss whispered against her ear. “I’m going to worship you, and it’s going to take a while.”
Even if Olivia had wanted to protest, she didn’t think she could. Joss’s declaration turned her into a puddle. She pressed a kiss against Joss’s shoulder. “I’m yours.”
Chapter Twenty-four
Olivia found herself humming on the way to campus. It had been one hell of a week. The crazy hours and emotional intensity of the twins’ birth left her feeling giddy and light. Then there was the subsequent conversation with Joss about their future. For the first time since moving to Ithaca, maybe for the first time ever, Olivia felt like she could have it all. Not only that, she knew what it looked like.
Because she was running a little late, she skipped the usual stop by her office and went straight to her first class. She led a lively discussion on Henry James’s The Turn of the Screw, inspiring even her most aloof science and economics majors to weigh in on the sexual repression of the story’s heroine. The second section went nearly as well, putting her in an excellent mood as she made her way back to her office for office hours.
With no papers recently returned or imminently due, no one was waiting for her. She unlocked the door, thinking she might get a jump start on planning the Eudora Welty unit for her Southern Writers seminar. Not that she needed to do much prep for Eudora.
After flipping on the light and dropping her bag, Olivia noticed a pink message slip sitting on her keyboard. That was odd. It was rare for anyone to call the phone in her office, even rarer for someone to contact the main department line looking for her. Maybe it was some misguided textbook rep looking to hawk the latest anthology. She picked up the paper and recognized Betsy’s handwriting.
Tim would like to see you when you get in. (Needs to be today.)
Well, that was really odd. Olivia felt a knot take hold in the pit of her stomach. She hoped it wasn’t a student in crisis. Or worse. She scribbled a note that she’d be back in a few minutes and taped it to her door before heading up to the department office. When she walked in, Betsy was nowhere to be seen.
“Hello? Tim?”
“Olivia? Is that you?” The voice came from the Chair’s office.
“Hi, Tim. Yes, it’s me. Is now a good time?”
As she spoke, he emerged from his office. “It is. Please, come in.”
She followed him and tried not to flinch as he motioned to the chair across from his desk. With the exception of her interview, every meeting she’d had in this space took place in the sitting area in the corner. Even the second-year review of her tenure portfolio had been in the comfortable wing chairs. She took a seat and tried to read his face for some clue as to what was going on.
“There is no delicate way to put this, so I’m going to come right out and say it. There is an allegation that you engaged in a romantic relationship with one of your students.”
Olivia, unable to stop herself, let out a sound that was somewhere between a cough and a laugh. “What?”
He folded his hands on his desk. He wasn’t smiling. “There was a report filed through the university’s anonymous reporting system that you are romantically involved with one of your students.”
The look on Tim’s face reflected pure discomfort. He was an unlikely department chair—introverted, nice, and generally loath to deal with conflict in any form. Olivia thought for a moment that she might be part of some sick prank, but Tim would never go along with such a thing. “There must be some misunderstanding.”
Tim sighed. “I certainly hope so. Still, the university has a specific policy about investigating all complaints, including reports of harassment and code of conduct violations.”
She tried to fight back the wave of nausea that was threatening to envelop her. This was real. She was being investigated. Someone believed she was having an affair with a student. Or she was being sabotaged. The final thought hit her like a truck and made her dizzy. She gripped the arm of the chair. She needed to focus, to cooperate while maintaining an appropriate amount of outrage.
“I’m not involved with a student. I’ve never been involved with a student. I’ve never come close. I’ve never even been attracted to a student, or vice versa, as far as I know.”
Tim nodded. Olivia couldn’t tell if he believed her or was merely letting her ramble. She racked her brain, trying to remember any student who was inappropriate or needy or anything else that might be misinterpreted. An image of M.J. flashed into her mind. “Who is it?”
“The report was anonymous. I don’t know who made it.”
Olivia shook her head. “Who am I allegedly having a relationship with?”
Tim opened a folder on his desk. “It doesn’t say in the paperwork I’ve been given. I’ve been told very little. Everything is being handled by the Director of Employee Relations in the Office of Human Resources, which is probably for the best. I just…I wanted to be the one to tell you.”
Olivia got the sense that, in whatever way he could, Tim was looking out for her. That counted for something. Didn’t it? “What happens next?”
“This letter explains the process.” He handed her a sealed envelope. “It also includes a copy of the complaint. I would imagine the student’s name is part of it.”
Olivia took the envelope, looked at him. “You don’t want to know?”
Tim offered her a sympathetic look. “I’m hoping this is a misunderstanding or a mistake and that it will be resolved quickly. In that spirit, I feel the less I know, the better.”
Olivia nodded. Tim had confidence in her. That helped, if only a little. “It is. It will. Thank you.”
She went back to her office and closed the door. She read the document Tim gave her three or four times, along with the brief written complaint.
I have seen interactions between Dr. Olivia Bennett of the English Department and Mary Jane Carlton, an undergraduate student, that lead me to believe that there is an intimate relationship between them.
The rest of the details regarding what the person knew, or had seen, were vague. The tone and style of writing, however, made her think it had been written by someone on the faculty. She tried to remember what Tim had said about the procedure, but his words jumbled in her mind.
She turned on her computer and typed “sexual relationship” into the search box on the college homepage. Sure enough, the first result was a link to the policy on sexual harassment, including a prohibition on relationships between faculty and students. The policy page included a link to the procedures for dealing with complaints.
Olivia scanned the page once, then went back to the top and read it again more thoroughly. On one hand, it was disheartening to know there was enough of a need to have a full process in place. On the other, it helped to see it laid out in a straightforward way, including a section on dismissing groundless complaints.
The complaint would be dropped. It had to be. M.J. came to her office hours regularly, but they only talked. She saw her from time to time in town, but they’d never done anything off campus together. Not even coffee, and Olivia had done that with several students during her two years on the faculty. Olivia couldn’t think of anything that could be interpreted as romantic, much less sexual.
She wanted to reach out to M.J., to warn her that someone would come asking questions. Given the stress she was under with her parents, the last thing Olivia wanted was to give her something else to worry about. But doing that could be construed as having something to hide, trying
to make sure they got their stories straight. She needed to let the process play out. Maybe she could find a way to make it up to M.J. after the fact.
She needed to get through it for there to be an after the fact. She glanced at the clock. It was nearly six. Someone from HR would question her, but that would likely be during regular business hours. She couldn’t even call over and try to get it scheduled. At the moment, she was powerless to do anything.
Olivia sighed and looked at the stack of paper on her desk. There was no way she could concentrate enough to get anything done. She left the stack where it was, turned off the light, and left.
*
Olivia pulled into Joss’s driveway and sat in her car for a long moment. As horrible as the conversation with Tim had been, she was dreading having to tell Joss even more. Saying the words out loud would make this whole nightmare more real. And there was the possibility that Joss might doubt her. That was ridiculous. She knew Joss wouldn’t believe she’d had an affair with a student. Knowing it didn’t seem to help.
She walked up the porch steps and went inside. The house smelled like pizza and she could see Joss standing in the kitchen looking at her phone. God, she didn’t want to do this.
Joss caught sight of her and smiled. “I’m so glad you’re here. If you’d been a minute later, I think I would have eaten this entire pizza myself.”
“Sorry.”
Joss’s eyes narrowed and she set down her phone. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
What should she even say? “I…There’s been…”
She must look an absolute fright, given that Joss’s worried face had morphed into one that hinted at panic. Joss walked up to her and took her hands. “Come sit down. You’re white as a sheet.”
Olivia allowed herself to be led to a chair. She couldn’t bring herself to meet Joss’s eyes. She took a breath and spat out the words. “Someone has accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with a student.”
“What?”
“Someone sent an anonymous letter to the Office of Human Resources, raising concerns that I was romantically involved with one of my students.” Olivia glanced up and saw Joss’s eyes, searching her face for meaning. She couldn’t tell if Joss was about to ask her if there was any basis for such a charge. She couldn’t bear the thought of it. “It’s not true. I haven’t—I wouldn’t—ever get involved with a student.”