Except now she needed to leave. ‘And I have to get to my hotel. Now that you’re back. Check my bag made it.’
His smile dimmed. ‘I’ll take you.’
She smiled, realising she couldn’t help the swift lift in her spirits and that in itself frightened her. Very much. No. It was better to make the break now. Stop dragging out this painful feeling of loss. Leave Connor with his gran in private.
Though the reasoning was hard to pin down right at this second as she looked at Connor. She wanted to hug him and share his relief that his gran would be fine. All she knew was that this goodbye hurt. ‘Don’t worry about it. I can catch a cab.’
The humour had faded from his face. ‘I said I’ll take you.’
He couldn’t leave the hospital and they both knew it. ‘What about your grandmother?’
‘Max will be here in a minute. We’ll go as soon as he arrives. She’ll sleep for a couple of hours yet and Max will stay with her.’
She shook her head. ‘I’ll catch a cab.’
‘Not on Christmas Eve you can’t.’ Connor could feel his frustration building. Why couldn’t she at least let him do this for her?
Would this roller-coaster day never end? So much had happened and he didn’t want her to leave until they’d had a chance to talk.
She was backing away towards the door and he followed her. Glanced once over his shoulder at his sleeping grandmother and decided this was better dealt with outside in the corridor than in a sick room.
‘Goodbye, Connor. Give my love to your grandmother when she wakes up.’
What was she doing? Had he got it so badly wrong? Didn’t the way they’d made love mean anything to her?
He suspected it had and they needed to talk about it. It shouldn’t be rushed but she’d be out of here in seconds. Like she was afraid of him.
Connor fought to hang onto his feeling of impending doom. He wanted to ask her to stay. Give what they had a chance. But she was going. Leaning towards the exit as she waited for him to return her goodbye.
Tomorrow she’d be gone from the country. And he hadn’t had enough time to know if they were right together or still so very, very wrong.
Though even in the brief time since they’d parted he had more faith in his own feelings for her than he had in Kelsie’s for him—and damn right he was scared that she’d leave him at the last minute if he opened himself up to loving her again. What if he never recovered?
He ran his hands through his hair. She was the only woman, apart from his mother, whom he should have told to come back, who’d torn his heart. Should he risk it all yet again, and ask her to stay?
He glanced up and down the deserted corridor but nobody was in sight.
For a moment he wished he’d never got on that damn train and met her again. ‘Stop, Kelsie.’
She paused, turned back to him.
It was now or never and he couldn’t bear the thought of never. ‘I gave you my heart once before and you walked away from me. Unlike my mother, you didn’t give me the chance to say come back, so I’m doing it now. I want you to stay.’ But he was terrified he was going to lose at the last minute again.
It hadn’t been the most romantic declaration. He couldn’t believe what this woman did to him. How insane this entire crazy day had been. How desperate he suddenly felt. He couldn’t believe he’d mentioned his mother. His loss. That he’d admitted he would be the one hurt if it didn’t work out—so much for not putting himself out there again.
She shook her head. ‘I can’t. We’re the same as we always were. On different sides of the world. But it was wonderful seeing you, Connor. Goodbye.’
So she’d missed the whole point. Though he had to admit it wasn’t surprising seeing as his declaration had been so garbled. But he didn’t believe distance would keep them apart.
Kelsie had no idea what she was saying. She was desperate to get away before she burst into tears. Her brain was all fogged again with the emotion this guy could stir up in her. Not all of it was good emotion because if she admitted she was wrong now then maybe she’d been wrong fifteen years ago and she’d been responsible for all that wasted time. It didn’t bear thinking about. Not at this moment anyway.
She watched him run his hand through his hair. He did that a lot when he was stressed. And she had caused him this stress and she was sorry for that.
He was saying, ‘Please. Let me take you to your hotel and we can talk. You said you’re not leaving until tomorrow. And you don’t even have to go then. Stay and have a drink with me.’
Almost with relief she seized on the argument her brain would listen to. Nothing had changed with him. This was why she’d run away from him before. He didn’t listen when she said she needed her own space.
She took a couple of deep breaths. His face was serious. Determined, yet there was a vulnerability about him she hadn’t seen before. It was that that made her pause. They began to walk towards the lifts together, even though she hadn’t agreed.
Then he spoiled it. ‘Do you really have to fly back to Australia tomorrow?’
Her voice quieted as a nurse approached. ‘I have to. I have a ticket. And I start work in seven days. My patients need me.’
He frowned. Shook his head. ‘Can’t you delay your flights?’ He pushed the lift call button with unnecessary force. ‘Put them off!’
‘Why?’
‘I’m asking you to stay.’
‘I can’t.’ Couldn’t he understand she’d organised her life too?
‘We need more time.’
And there it was again. Give in, Kelsie. Do what I want. She’d fought damn hard for her independence. Paid a huge price for it too, including the loss of the man in front of her. Had worked hard for respect in her profession. For the trust of the women she cared for. She’d like to see him fly away from his patients for her. He obviously didn’t care about the women she’d looked after during their whole pregnancies. ‘No, Connor. I won’t do that.’
‘I see.’ No expression. How did he do that?
She wanted to stamp her feet and scream at him.
He stopped and in that same expressionless voice, ‘Then I’m sorry I pushed you to stay.’
‘Have a good Christmas, Connor. Give my love to your grandmother. I’ll get my own cab.’
He sighed heavily and turned away and she couldn’t help but wonder if her damned independence was worth the loss of this man—again.
Connor woke on Christmas morning and he’d never felt so alone. With sudden clarity he knew he didn’t want to wake and feel like this ever again.
It wasn’t too late. She hadn’t flown home yet. He just needed a chance to tell her he would come to her in Australia as soon as he could.
He hadn’t really expected her to cancel her flights. They’d discussed that, he thought with a wry smile. When he’d panicked and pressured her to suspend all her flights and plans just because he’d said they should spend more time together. He couldn’t say he blamed her for storming off.
But he wanted to explain more eloquently that he was now certain they were meant for each other. If he could just see her one more time he would let her know he’d wait for her.
That he’d fight for her.
To hell with it. He knew he was strong enough, determined enough to take that chance again or even as many times as it took. That risking everything for Kelsie’s love would always be worth it—but he needed to stop rushing her. Let her come to that decision in her own way, in her own time.
Max had pulled some Orient Express Christmas Eve strings at his request and filled his special order so Kelsie would get his Christmas surprise before she left for the airport. There was a slim chance he’d have already missed her by the time he’d arranged his grandmother’s discharge but he could deal with that.
Because once Gran was sorted he doubted he’d have much to do, and he could be on the next plane out to Australia, judging by the way Max had taken charge of Winsome since he’d arrived at the hospital last e
vening.
If he had missed her then, considering he and Kelsie had waited fifteen years to meet again, he could wait a few days more until he could arrange a flight. But he didn’t want to wait.
Christmas Day and Kelsie woke to a blanket of snow outside the Ritz’s windows. Her first white Christmas. In a famous and luxurious hotel in a city she’d always wanted to visit. So why was her mood so black?
Ahh. She put her hand over her eyes. Not that word.
Black.
Connor Black. It was too late now but she should have had that drink last night. Should have taken the chance that Connor was right. She missed him this morning.
Maybe there was still time to catch him before she flew out.
She scrabbled in her bag for the number of the hospital the nurse had given her and she dialled shakily.
The doctor had said Winsome would be able to go home early Christmas morning. But when she phoned the hospital they’d already left. Connor had picked her up already. The only good thing was that Winsome was now much more comfortable on the correct medication. Thank goodness it hadn’t been her heart that was the trouble.
Kelsie wished she could say the same for her own heart. But she too would recover with the right treatment. Namely a flight as far away from London as possible and a whole lot of work, but first she had to get through the morning.
There was a knock at the door and she put the phone down as she glanced at the clock.
It was the arrival of breakfast, and when it was pushed in, it looked like a Christmas feast in miniature. A tiny, holly-decorated painted bowl of muesli, strawberries, honey yoghurt and steaming Earl Grey tea.
Under the silver dome was a tiny nativity scene, complete with dozing animals, surrounded by curls of bacon and egg and French toast. It looked so cute she had to smile. Albeit a watery one. On the tray was a tiny, exquisitely wrapped box with a card and she smiled again as the waiter backed away.
He seemed to be waiting for her to open the card so she slid her finger under the seal and lifted the stiff folded paper out. She expected it to be from the hotel to go with the little unopened present.
Santa has been. There’s something outside the door. Merry Christmas, Kelsie!
She looked up and as if he’d been waiting for her to read it the waiter stopped at the door.
‘Someone has left you something outside your door, madam. Would you like me to bring it in?’
‘Yes, please.’
It was a tiny carry-on suitcase, in gold, with a ribbon around it. She frowned as she circled it and then lifted it onto the bed to open. Inside lay a gorgeous little Christmas tree, sprinkled with gold and covered in tiny fibreoptic lights.
It looked suspiciously like the one from the Orient Express dining car. She guessed the suitcase was so she could fly it home. Why did that thought make her eyes sting and her throat close?
Was Connor here? Her heart leapt and she looked quickly up at the waiter. ‘And the gentleman?’
The man shook his head mournfully. Obviously he was a romantic. ‘There is no gentleman.’
She crossed to the dresser and plugged the little tree in and watched it turn as the man left, quietly closing the door behind him. The tree spun and sparkled and shimmered like it had in the dining car where she and Connor had eaten together last night.
Tears stung her eyes but she blinked them away. Surely she’d done the right thing. And it was too late now anyway.
She turned back to the wrapped box on her breakfast tray and slowly unwrapped the stiff paper from the gift. Inside lay the silver charm bracelet from the Orient Express, complete with a tiny porter’s hat like Wolfgang’s, a miniature guard’s whistle, a little train engine and a teddy bear.
There was a note.
I’m not asking you to stay. I’m asking if I can come and visit you in Australia as soon as I can arrange a flight.
‘I think that would be wonderful,’ she whispered to the empty room.
He was so much better at this than she was. She glanced at the phone again. One more try and she at least had the house number that Winsome had given her.
But that phone just rang unanswered too.
Time was running out and the airport waited. Maybe he would follow her to Australia, as he’d said. She could only hope so.
It took Kelsie two hours to get to the airport through the snow and as the cab driver dropped her off the radio cheerfully informed them that flights had a two-hour delay due to the snow. Too long to wait. Too short to jump back into the cab and search for Connor.
‘What you want to do, lady?’
She thought about the suitcase. ‘Just drop me. I’ll stay here until my flight opens.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yep.’ She saw his shoulders lift and he pulled the car into the drop-off point. She paid him and the rat didn’t get out of the car, just popped the boot so she’d have to lift her huge case out herself. Connor would never do that to her.
‘Merry Christmas,’ she said with her most winning smile, and he had the grace to look away. As she got out she heard his door open and he grumbled his way to the rear of the vehicle and heaved her bag onto the pavement for her.
‘Good luck with getting that on the plane,’ he said. Then he grinned, shook his head and wished her luck before he drove away.
Kelsie encouraged the wheels on her suitcase to ignore the snow, but they weren’t listening so she tipped it on its side and dragged it, and her new little gold suitcase along with it, while the icy wind bit into her cheeks. It wasn’t the only part of her that was cold.
Home would be humid. Christmas week would be sunshine and a hot wind. Sunburnt kids and ice-cream cake. Home would be great. But despite the promise of heat the words were only empty words as the wind continued to bite into her. Deeply. She’d blown it. Been a coward. But Connor had said he would come after her.
Inside the departure hall was chaotic. With the flight delays every available waiting space in the airport seemed to be filled with bodies and luggage.
And suddenly she knew. She didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to leave without seeing Connor one more time and telling him she loved him. He’d said he’d come to Australia but what if he never came? What if something happened to his grandmother and he couldn’t come?
It was her own fault. She’d been a quitter. Waking up to Connor’s gifts Should have been the moment she grasped, not run away from. Should have jumped in a cab to him then and there.
And now it was too late. Her pride and her stupid independence had ruined it for her again. She turned around and dragged her suitcase towards the door but even that was difficult to traverse.
Then Kelsie saw Connor arrive and blinked. Or perhaps it was just someone she thought looked like him because she wanted him so badly.
No. It was him and she could feel a smile stretch right across her face. He must have been to her hotel. And the joy that had flooded her made no bones about the truth. She loved him. How could she have been so blind? It was as though for the very first time she could see who he really was. How wrong she’d been. Twice. She didn’t deserve his love but she wanted it. All of it. She dragged her suitcases across the floor.
She should have known that loving Connor wouldn’t take away her independence, it would bring out the best of herself. She’d so looked forward to travelling on the Orient Express, but it seemed learning to love Connor had been her true journey. If only he’d have her.
And here he was so it looked like he would have her. The man was tenacious. Even now he was giving her another chance when she’d been so determined to climb on her high horse and fly off into the sunset. Fool. But she was such a lucky fool.
She watched him cross the floor to her left. Striding tall and straight and commanding. Connor, here, opening himself up to the risk of being knocked down again. She shook her head in wonder. He’d already been let down by her so badly once before and she didn’t think she could ever be that brave.
Or maybe she could
?
She saw him hesitate, glance around at the sea of faces, and then he straightened and that determined look she remembered from old crossed his face. His eyes began to systematically scan the crowds. Looking for her. She dropped the handles of her bags and stepped forward towards him.
Connor felt a tap on his shoulder. ‘Excuse me. Would you like my seat, sir?’
He spun around and she was smiling at him. Sky-blue eyes. Snub nose. That mouth. Here in the milling crowds, looking up at him like she’d known he would come.
Then she said something amazing. Something he’d waited fifteen years to hear. ‘It’s not a seat I want to give you.’ She stepped into his arms. ‘It’s my heart. If you’ll have it.’
And there was love light shining from her beautiful eyes. For him. He couldn’t believe it. But he couldn’t mistake it. She was lifting her face to his, waiting for his kiss. ‘Merry Christmas, Connor.’
He gently touched his lips to hers. ‘Merry Christmas, my love.’ And he lifted her off the floor and spun her in his arms. ‘I love you, you know. Always have. Always will.’
‘I’m sorry, Connor. It was me who had the issues. I was scared of falling in love. Scared of losing my independence when I’d only just seen the possibilities. I put that on you. You never deserved it and I’m sorry.’
So many things made sense now. Even, perhaps, the man he was now. The way he’d organised everything when they had been younger. How he’d tried to think of everything. Kept her safe because he couldn’t bear to lose her.
Connor looked down at her. Wonder and joy were bubbling inside him. ‘We were both young. And I did organise you a lot. And when that blew up in my face I thought I could control my emotions and it wouldn’t happen again. Until I saw you again and you had me back on the ropes.’
‘You are the bravest man I know to take me on.’
He grinned. ‘Not as brave as Max. For taking on Gran.’
She had to laugh at that. Then had a thought. ‘You don’t live with your gran, do you?’
Christmas With Her Ex Page 14