by Lexy Parker
“Daddy, do I get to pour in the batter?” Sadie asked.
“Yes, you do.”
She grinned and clapped her hands. “Good. You make the pancakes too big. I like them little.”
“Then you make them little,” I told her.
“Are we putting the chocolate chips in the batter?” she asked.
I shrugged. “If you want to, but they are going to melt when they cook.”
“That’s okay. That’s how I like them. All ooey and gooey.”
I laughed. “Of course, you do.”
“I’m ready,” she said taking the measuring cup and dipping it into the batter I had mixed up.
I watched as she carefully poured the pancake mix into the hot pan. We both stared at the pancake, watching the bubbles. Sadie was quite the cook. We’d been making breakfast together every Saturday, and sometimes Sundays, for several months. We usually opted for pancakes. It was her favorite.
“Are we going to have scrambled eggs?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Of course.”
“What flavor of syrup should we try?”
She looked thoughtful for a second. “I think I want to stick with the blueberry.”
“Blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes?” I asked, already flinching at the combination.
She reached one of her tiny hands out and put it on my shoulder. “You can have the plain maple. I know you don’t like the blueberry.”
I had to fight back a laugh. Sometimes it really was like talking to my wife. Sadie was crazy smart and so mature.
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Are we going to go for a walk after our breakfast?” she asked.
I nodded. “We better. After eating chocolate chip pancakes, I’m going to need a walk. So will you. You’re going to be bouncing off the walls.”
“Daddy, I don’t bounce off the walls. I’m a little girl, not a ball,” she scolded.
I winked. “I forgot. You’re right.”
“I’m ready to flip it,” she announced, grabbing the spatula from my hand.
I watched with anticipation as she flipped the small pancake over without slopping any of it over the sides of the pan. She looked at me, clearly very proud of herself.
“Good job. Soon enough, I’m going to stay in bed and you’re going to be the one cooking all by yourself,” I told her.
“I’m ready to do it now,” she declared.
“Soon,” I promised her.
Together, we mixed up the eggs in a bowl before adding them to another pan. I showed her the trick to fluffing them with the spatula. I loved how she watched everything. I could see the wheels turning in her brain and knew she was committing it all to memory.
We sat down at the small table in the dining room. She followed through with her promise to use blueberry syrup topped with fresh, chocolate chips sprinkled on top. Add the chocolate chips for breakfast to my long list of parenting fails. I’d make her brush her teeth twice as long.
I had just stuffed my mouth with a large bite of my pancake when my phone rang. I reached for it and saw it was Clay.
“Hello?” I said around a mouthful of pancake.
“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked.
“Eating breakfast.”
“What are you doing later?”
I looked at Sadie as she happily ate her pancake.
“Going for a walk. Why?” I asked, suspicious over his sudden interest in my plans.
“I’m going out fly-fishing today. Do you and Sadie want to go?” he asked.
I looked at Sadie and did a quick run through all the possible dangers of what could go wrong.
“Let me ask Sadie,” I said.
I quickly asked her and got a very enthusiastic yes. I agreed to meet Clay at his house in an hour. Sadie was ecstatic. I wasn’t sure taking a little girl high on chocolate chips on a fishing trip was the smartest idea, but I would make her wear a lifejacket. I didn’t want to be the tragedy on the news that night. Sadie was smart, but she was a kid, and kids fell into the water all the time.
We quickly put away our breakfast mess and dressed in warm clothing. Sadie wasn’t thrilled to wear a coat, insisting it was plenty warm. It might have been, but I wanted to make sure she was warm, just in case.
Once we got to Clay’s house, we piled into his truck and he drove us to his secret spot. It just happened it was several other people’s secret spot as well. We unloaded, carrying our gear down to the water with Sadie still buzzing from her high-energy breakfast.
“Chocolate for breakfast?” Clay said, shaking his head.
“I didn’t give her the bag of chips, they were in her pancake with a few more sprinkled on top,” I defended.
He laughed. “She has you wrapped around her little finger.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Yes, she does.”
We quickly set up our lines with Sadie standing right beside me. She watched intently as I put the fly at the end of the line. Clay, wearing his waders, headed into the water.
“Clay! Is it cold?” Sadie squealed from her place on the shore.
Clay laughed. “A little bit.”
“Did you get a fish?” she asked.
“I haven’t put my hook in the water yet,” he replied.
I held back a laugh. Fishing with an inquisitive seven-year-old girl was probably not the most relaxing way to spend a day.
I cast out my line and dropped to one knee beside Sadie. “Okay, are you ready?” I asked her.
She nodded and took the pole in her little hands. “I’m ready.”
“We are going to jerk it. Just like Clay is doing,” I told her in a low voice.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because we want our fly to dance across the water.”
“Why?”
I inhaled through my nose. “Because that’s what tempts the fish to come up and bite it.”
“Oh no! We don’t want to hurt the fish!”
“Yes we do. It’s okay. They won’t feel it much at all. We want to catch some fish so we can have a fish fry for lunch,” I explained in a gentle voice.
She handed the pole back to me. “I don’t want to fish. I want to play.” She pouted.
I took the pole and looked up to see Clay watching the exchange. There was a smile on his face. I looked back down at Sadie.
“You can play, but I want you away from the water,” I ordered.
Her face lit up. “Okay!”
I focused on the fishing while paying attention to Sadie who was behind me, happily playing with rocks and pieces of wood she had found. She was humming and talking to herself as she played. I loved that she didn’t need electronics and still had an active imagination. It was another thing Tara and I had talked about. We wanted to be in the moment with her as much as possible. We wanted her to keep her imagination active and alive by playing the old-fashioned way. Sadie had her own tablet and spent plenty of time on the thing, but I made sure to give her plenty of moments like this as well.
“How’s it going with that new flower account?” Clay asked from his place in the water.
I nodded. “Fine. Lady’s nice. It’s an easy pickup. She always has everything ready to go.”
“Really? Is she an old lady like you suspected?”
I chuckled. “No, definitely not an old lady.”
“Oh, do I detect a hint of admiration?” Clay teased.
I shook my head. “Nope. Not at all. She’s an attractive woman and seems nice enough, but that’s it.”
“That’s it? That doesn’t sound like it,” Clay repeated.
“Yes, that’s it.”
He laughed. “I know you better than that. I can tell there’s a spark there. What does she look like?” he pressed.
I shook my head, looking over at Sadie. “There’s nothing.”
“Come on, satisfy my curiosity. What does she look like?” he insisted.
I sighed. “Long blond hair, big blue eyes, thin, on the shorter side, and a little clumsy,” I said,
thinking back to the first time I saw her, and she had tripped over a rock.
“Blond, blue eyes, and attractive, hmm?” he said with a big smile.
I shook my head. “There’s nothing there. Don’t try to make something out of nothing,” I warned.
“There won’t be anything if you keep wearing that ring,” he pointed out.
I shrugged. “That’s fine by me. I don’t need anything. I’m not taking off the ring. Not yet.”
“You do. It’s time,” he said in a gentle voice.
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“You can. It’s like riding a bike, and it starts by taking off the ring. It’s only holding you back, keeping you from moving on with your life. Keeping you from finding happiness again,” he lectured.
It was the same lecture I had heard a million times. I wasn’t ready. I had told him that several times. I knew he was only trying to help. He cared about me and had been my best friend since I was in high school. His lecture was meant to motivate me. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“Not with her,” I said, signaling with my head to where Sadie was happily playing.
He smiled. “Man, because of her.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re not really living. You need to get back out there for her,” he said, his voice low.
“I’m getting by. I can’t handle anything more on my plate right now.”
He stared at me, shaking his head. “Your plate is only half full. Sure, you have a lot of responsibilities, but you need to have happiness in your life as well. That’s what gives you a full plate.”
I groaned. “I am happy, for the most part. As happy as I can be.”
“You say the woman is attractive?” he asked.
“Yes, very,” I said before realizing what I was saying.
He grinned. “I know you, and you don’t find many women attractive. You say they’re hot or whatever, but attractive, that’s a big word for you. Don’t let this pass you up.”
“You’re worse than a nagging mother,” I told him.
He laughed. “I am and proud of it.”
“I don’t see a ring on your finger or any prospects lining up at the door,” I reminded him.
He cast out his line. “I’m still looking. I haven’t found an attractive woman who sparks my interest just yet. You better hurry up and make your move on the flower lady or I might just have to see what all the fuss is about.”
I didn’t like that idea at all. I couldn’t say why, but I didn’t want Clay moving in on her. I shouldn’t have cared one way or another, but I did. Was I actually interested in the woman, Jamie? That felt weird, wrong. I couldn’t. I wasn’t dating anyone. I didn’t want to like anyone or have those feelings. I pushed Jamie’s blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes from my mind. I wasn’t interested.
“She probably has a boyfriend.” I tossed out the words, hoping it sounded nonchalant.
Clay grinned. “She might. She might not. Only one way to find out.”
I looked at him, hearing his message loud and clear.
Chapter 10
Jamie
I jogged inside through the back door of my flower shop and quickly reached for the pretty yellow daisies and daffodils I had wrapped in cellophane before heading back to my car. I gently put the flowers in the passenger seat, casting glances at them as I drove to Dani’s house to pick her up. My stomach was in knots, just like it was every Saturday morning when I picked up the flowers.
I pulled into the driveway of the small three-bedroom house and smiled when Dani walked out the front door. She’d been waiting for me. I picked up the flowers and put them on the back seat when she opened the door.
She glanced back, then smiled. “I like the daffodils.”
“Thank you. I thought he would too.”
She nodded. “He would.”
I pointed the car toward the highway and headed out of town. Neither of us spoke for several minutes as we went about our somber Saturday morning ritual. I took the first right, following the tree-lined, narrow road up the hill, passing through the open iron gate and into the cemetery. I parked my car alongside the patch of yellowish grass, still dormant from its winter sleep.
Together, Dani and I walked across the spongy ground to the white marble headstone with my brother’s name emblazoned on it. I took a deep breath, reading his name and the last date he walked the earth.
“It still doesn’t seem real,” Dani whispered, her palm pressing against the engraved name.
I dropped to my knees beside her. “No, it doesn’t.”
“He was supposed to come home for Thanksgiving,” she said, her voice full of thick emotion.
I nodded, unable to say anything. He’d been killed the day before Thanksgiving. It would have been his last deployment. It didn’t seem right that he could live through two tours and on the last day of his second tour, he was killed.
“He was so ready to leave that life behind,” I told her.
She nodded. “We were going to start a family. Our last phone call, that’s all he could talk about. He only had six months and then he could take terminal leave. Why? I don’t understand why?” She sobbed.
I inhaled through my nose, knowing I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t release the emotions pent-up inside. I had to be strong for Dani. She was barely keeping it together. I had promised Gage before he left that I would take care of her, no matter what. I never expected to have to follow through with that promise. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that.
“I’m so sorry. I know you two had big plans,” I told her, reaching out to put my hand on her back.
“We had such big plans. I want to say I wish he never would have joined the Marines, but I know he loved it.” She sniffled.
I nodded. “He wanted to follow in our father’s footsteps. He said it was our family’s legacy.”
She violently shook her head. “I told him if we had a kid, we weren’t going to let him or her join the Marines. I shouldn’t have told him that. I knew he was proud of what he did.”
“Hey, you were only trying to protect your child,” I assured her.
She burst into a watery laugh. “A child that hadn’t even been conceived.”
I laughed. “True. You are one fierce mama bear. He knew you would be. He knew that you would be able to handle raising his children if he was out on deployment.”
“What?” She gasped, turning to look at me, her eyes shimmering with wetness.
“That was before he decided to leave. When you two first got married and talked about having kids, he was absolutely confident you could hold down the fort if he was away. He thought so highly of you. I used to tease him. He truly thought you hung the moon,” I told her.
“I loved him. I mean, I do love him. I don’t think I will ever be able to love another. I feel like my heart is under the six feet of dirt with him,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I know you love him, and I know you always will. Don’t think about loving another, not yet. He would want you to move on with your life, but you don’t have to do anything until you are ready,” I assured her.
She shook her head. “I don’t think I will ever be ready. I honestly feel as if the heart I had shattered the day those men showed up at my door. Every night, I relive that moment. Sometimes I’ll be asleep and wake up, thinking it was a nightmare. My heart will pound so hard in my chest I feel like I’m going to explode. I assure myself it was only a bad dream, and everything is okay, and then reality hits and I realize it wasn’t a dream and nothing will ever be okay again,” she said, her hand resting on his name once again.
“I do the same thing. Sometimes I will come across a picture of Mom and Dad, or think about something, and want to pick up the phone and call him on Skype. Then, I remember I can’t.”
She turned to look at me, sympathy in her eyes. “I’m sorry. He was all you had left of your family. I know this has to be horrible for you as well.�
��
“I have you,” I told her, forcing a smile, even though my own heart was breaking in two inside my chest.
“He wouldn’t want you to be sad,” she said.
I laughed. “Well, I never did anything he told me to. I’m not about to start now.”
She smiled and nodded. “You two were lucky to have each other. I never had that relationship with my sisters.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “It wasn’t always easy. I used to try and kill him every chance I got, and he would make my life a living hell. He was everything a big brother was supposed to be. He tortured me regularly, but he was my biggest protector. If a guy broke my heart, he would threaten to break his face,” I said, remembering a time when he almost did exactly that.
“He was fierce.” She smiled. “I loved how he would stop everything to help someone. I remember we were at Walmart and this old man was trying to get something from a shelf. He was in one of those scooters and couldn’t seem to get to his feet. Gage casually walked over, pretending to need one of the same things and asked if the man wanted one while he was there. He let the man keep his dignity while helping him out. It was little things like that, that made me love him all the more.”
“I know we both miss him, but we have to take comfort knowing he died doing what he loved,” I told her.
She nodded. “I suppose. I never wanted to be a Gold Star family. I wanted to be the family of a retired veteran,” she said with a long sigh.
“I know. It will get easier. It won’t feel so raw with a little more time,” I promised her.
She looked at me and smiled. “Do you really believe that?”
I nodded. “I miss my parents like crazy, but their deaths aren’t quite so hard to deal with anymore.”
“I don’t know if I want it to get easier. I feel like I should suffer,” she blurted out.
“Why? Why would you have to suffer?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. It just feels wrong that he could be killed, and I go on about my life as if nothing happened. I mean, I feel like I should have lost a limb or something visible. Does that make any sense?”
“You aren’t going on about your life as if nothing happened. You’re hurting and you’re grieving, but you are also honoring his sacrifice. He didn’t go over there for nothing. He did it because he thought he was doing something that would ensure you, me, and the rest of the world could go on should he die. He knew the risks. He knew it was a possibility, but he wanted to do it,” I reminded her.