by Marinelli, Carol; Hayward, Jennifer; Stephens, Susan; Anderson, Natalie
‘I have his eyes.’
‘You have your own eyes. You’re your own person.’ She’d had no idea that this was what he feared. Was this what caused his nightmares?
But he shook his head. ‘I can’t take the risk. I can’t get…’ he glanced down at her body and then back up to her face ‘…I can’t get involved.’
It hurt to hear him say it so bluntly.
‘Are we not worth the attempt?’
He didn’t even want to try. She understood that he was hurt, but it hurt her too. So much. Why couldn’t someone ever love her the way she loved them? What was it that was wrong with her? Why did she have to miss out again?
‘You deserve better than this, Kitty. Better than me.’
That wasn’t true—she deserved better from him.
‘Everybody struggles with their emotions sometimes.’ She attempted a smile as she tried to reason with him. And to be as honest as she could. ‘I’ve been so jealous of all those women of yours. I’ve been so insecure.’ She still was. ‘But I keep on trying. You’re worth it to me. This is worth it.’
‘So worth it, you ran away without giving me any kind of explanation.’ His cheeks looked hollow; he was even paler than before.
‘I was scared.’
‘Of me,’ he said heavily.
‘Not because I thought you’d hurt me physically. It was just that I wanted more than you wanted to give me.’ She drew in her lip and bit down on it hard. But there was no reason to hold back now. ‘I want you to love me. Because I love you.’
He shook his head. ‘That can’t happen.’
‘Because you don’t want to get hurt again?’
‘Because I cannot do to my child what my father did to me,’ he corrected her furiously. ‘He ripped me apart, Kitty. He destroyed everything I had.’
‘Not everything. You’re still here. You’ve rebuilt so much. People get help for all kinds of issues…’ She stood up and walked towards him. ‘Why let him steal your future? Your happiness?’ She reached him, her heart thundering. ‘By shutting yourself away you’re letting him win.’ She gazed into his beautiful troubled eyes. ‘He didn’t want anyone else to have your mother. No one else to have you. You’re letting him win by locking your heart away. You should show him the middle finger and fight to have a full and happy life. You could get some help; I could help—’
‘I can’t be the man you need me to be,’ he snapped. ‘I can’t be him. I just can’t.’
The finality in his tone devastated her. ‘Because you don’t love me.’
Not enough to want to try. That was what hurt so much. Not her. Not even the tiny baby she carried. Always, she wasn’t enough.
‘It’s because I do love you that I can’t,’ he roared.
‘What?’ She stared at him fixedly. ‘What did you say?’
He looked back at her; that emotion in his deep eyes was nothing but heartbreak. ‘Don’t,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t, Kitty.’
Don’t make him say it again? Don’t make it harder? Don’t step closer?
Her eyes filled with tears as her heart broke for both of them. Why couldn’t he try for her? She framed his face in her hands, feeling the roughness of his evening stubble. His skin was so warm and he was so beautiful to her. Her heart filled to bursting—with disappointment, with desire, with aching love. She reached onto her tiptoes and kissed him.
He was as still as a statue as she kissed him. But he wasn’t cold like marble—he was hot and straining as he held back. She didn’t want him to hold back any more—not in any of his emotions.
She kissed him more deeply—winding her arms around his neck. She didn’t care about anything else in this instant. There was no point in trying to argue any more. In trying to think. In this one moment of life there was only the need to touch and to feel him again. To have him with her.
To love him.
His hands came to her waist and she pressed closer to him, needing to feel his strength against her now more than ever. And she wanted to reassure him somehow. She wanted him to know how she felt. She wanted him to believe that this could work. This strong, gentle man was so scarred that he couldn’t see himself as he really was.
He kissed her back now and suddenly turned her so her back was pressed to the wall—his natural inclination to dominate resurging. She welcomed it—helped him, shimmying down her pants as she leaned back against the wall and then fought with the zip of his trousers. She needed him in this way at least. She’d missed this so much—the searing, unstoppable attraction. The need to take and be taken. She sealed his mouth in that hot, deep kiss, silencing any opposition of his or the spilling of more of her secrets. The kiss told him everything anyway.
She wanted him. She needed him. She loved him.
For once it wasn’t the culmination of a challenge, or the finale to a playful flirt. This was nothing but pure emotion. A final kiss, a final connection. All the pain of goodbye. All the love that was being lost.
‘Please.’ She arched in readiness as he angled her hips in that delightfully sure way. He was hard and she was wet and he pushed to his hilt in one powerful thrust. She cried out at the physical pleasure—at the emotional pain. She felt such completion and yet her heart was being torn apart.
‘I’m so sorry.’ His voice broke as he paused, looking into her eyes with such torment in his. ‘I never wanted to hurt you.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she muttered as he gave her the one thing he could.
It was worth it. It would always be worth it.
She rocked her hips, riding him, their coupling hot and wet and as easy as always. But tears coursed down her cheeks as she met him thrust for thrust. He brushed them away but they kept tumbling.
‘Kitty,’ he pleaded as he pressed deeply into her again and again. His brow was wet, his frown pained. ‘I’m sorry.’
Fearlessly, unashamedly she looked into his eyes—she would not hide her feelings from him now. She wrapped her arms more tightly around him and kissed him again and again and again. She loved him. She loved doing this with him. She would never regret any of it. And she never wanted it to end.
But all of the emotions were too big for her to hold—they had to burst free from her. She cried out as the sensations became too exquisite for her body to bear.
He buried his face in her neck. He shuddered violently and his pained, pleasure-soaked groan rang in her ears. She squeezed hard—holding him as deep and as close and for as long as she possibly could. Because it was her last moment with him.
But in the end the intense spasms of pleasure wreaked havoc on her muscles—rendering her limp and weak and leaving her with nothing but words.
He was still. Silent. And, in some ways, stronger than her.
In another heartbeat it would end.
‘I love you, Alejandro,’ she whispered. ‘And I would have loved you no matter what.’
He didn’t reply—no word, no look, no action. For one last breath she had him with her. But then she felt his muscles ripple. He flexed and then disengaged—from her body, from her embrace. It took only a moment for him to straighten his clothing and step back from her. His head was bowed so he avoided her eyes. But she wasn’t afraid to look at him. There was nothing to be afraid of now. The worst had happened. Was happening.
She watched as, without a word, he walked out of her life.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
KITTY RECEIVED A parcel from Alejandro’s lawyer less than a week later. Delivered by courier, the documents explained that a large settlement of money for the child was to be held in trust, together with a monthly allowance that was enough to house, feed and clothe ten children, not just one tiny baby. And he’d gifted her Parkes House and all its contents. No strings. No reversion to the child once he or she was of age. It was hers and hers alone.
There was a note in the letter, penned by the lawyer, informing her that Alejandro was returning to New York and that he planned to stay in a hotel on the occasions he needed to return to London for his work.
She knew he’d avoid it as much as he could. He’d almost never be there.
Her heart solidified. He might be trying to mean well, but she didn’t want any of what he was offering her. Not money or physical security.
Time stagnated. The days dragged, but the nights were the worst—she paced, unable to sleep. She missed him. Ached for him. Loved him. And was so angry with him.
A few days later she heard the sound of a car pulling up outside the cottage. Her heart raced for the first time. She opened the door. Alejandro?
‘Hey, sis! You went quiet—’ Teddy broke off from his cheery greeting as he got out of the car and stared at her. His expression morphed to total concern. ‘Kit—’
‘Don’t,’ she begged him. ‘I know I look… Don’t say anything.’
‘Jeez, you better get back inside and sit down.’ He followed her into the cottage and sat on the sofa opposite her armchair. ‘Talk to me.’
‘I’m okay, Teddy.’
‘Oh, sure you are.’ Her twin rolled his eyes. ‘You’ve seen him then?’
She nodded. ‘It’s finished.’
Teddy frowned then reached into his pocket. ‘Alejandro gave it to me.’ He handed her Margot’s diamond choker. ‘But let’s face it. It ought to have been yours in the first place.’
Kitty curled her fist around the gleaming coils of platinum and diamonds so she couldn’t see it. ‘Would you be devastated if I sold it?’
‘Why do you want to do that?’ Teddy looked shocked.
‘Because I need to be independent from him. I can get some capital from this, then sort myself out.’ If she was having this baby on her own, she didn’t want anyone else to have to pay for it.
‘Are you sure the two of you can’t work it out?’ Teddy leaned forward. ‘He looked a wreck. So do you.’
Kitty closed her eyes. ‘It’s more complicated than… It’s just better this way.’
‘But you’re both miserable. I don’t see how that’s better than trying to sort it.’
‘He doesn’t want to try, Teddy,’ she said brokenly and the tears finally tumbled. ‘That’s the point. He doesn’t want to try.’
Half an hour later, Kitty’s tears were dried and she was curled up in the chair watching her brother as he made her a couple of pieces of toast that she didn’t feel like eating but knew she had to.
Alejandro wasn’t coming back; she accepted that now. No more waiting for a car to arrive. It was over between them. He’d made his decision and she had to move on too.
Maybe Alejandro had been right. Maybe she did run away when times got tough—but not any more.
And maybe part of her wanted this child because she wanted someone to love her. Was that so terrible? But she was the parent here and she was damn determined to ensure that her child felt utterly, unconditionally loved. No matter what. Her baby would never feel like he or she wasn’t good enough, would never come second to another all the time. Kitty would do everything she could to make her child emotionally whole and secure and happy. The hurts of past generations would not be passed on by her.
And it was beyond time that she pulled herself together and got on with it.
‘Can I get a lift back to London with you?’ she asked Teddy as he handed her the plate of hot buttered toast.
‘Of course.’
* * *
New York. The city in which to forget everything. The city where he could get anything, everything and anyone.
Except the one he wanted.
Alejandro stood up from his desk and shrugged on his jacket, ready to go to one of his favourite restaurants. Now was the time to get on with his life. He’d been in a kind of stasis during that month when he’d been unable to find her—he hadn’t been able to go back to ‘normal’ until he’d cleared the air with her. But now he’d done that. More than that, he’d made provision for her and the baby.
His conscience was clear. He’d done all he could.
He’d enjoy his life again. He just needed to get on with it again.
‘We haven’t seen you here in a while, Alejandro.’ The maître d’ smiled at him. ‘Your guests are already at your usual table.’
‘Thank you.’
He’d return to his easy, shallow social whirl.
But it wasn’t easy. They welcomed him with bright smiles and barely veiled curiosity that he ignored. He listened to the dinner party chatter. It now seemed inane. Where was the passion? Where was the love for something—anything—other than a party? He glanced around the table, unable to raise a smile. The women were intelligent and beautiful, the men equally talented and all were competitive and driven.
‘Are you ready to order, sir?’ The waiter interrupted his thoughts.
Alejandro put the menu card down. ‘Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I’m sorry everyone—’ he cast a smile around the table ‘—I won’t be dining with you tonight after all.’
He decided to bury himself in work instead. That at least he was passionate about. That at least was productive.
He worked such long hours he lost track of when it was day and when it was night. That was the good thing about having offices in different countries—one was always open. There were always emails to send and markets to watch. Nightmares to avoid. Loneliness to deny.
Who are you going to leave your billions to?
He thought about a tiny baby with hair the colour of a bonfire. Once he’d let that thought whisper in, the rest tumbled behind it in a flood. The memories he’d been blocking for days. The way she’d challenged him. The way she’d laughed with him. The way she’d looked at him. The way she’d held him.
I love you, Alejandro.
She’d felt so good. But then she’d looked so sad. And she was right—he was such a coward. She deserved so much better than him.
So become the man she needs you to be.
He fought against that little voice—the nagging thread of hope. Of possibility. The dream. He was doing the right thing already. She’d get over it. She was better off without him and the risk he bore.
It was almost midnight several days later when the email landed. He stiffened when he saw Teddy Parkes-Wilson’s name as the sender. Had something happened? Was she well? Surely Teddy would phone if it was something bad?
He clicked to open it, suddenly fearful of what her brother was emailing about. He’d pulled the investigator off her. Her life was hers; he was not spying on her. He was not becoming that creep.
But there was no message in Teddy’s email—only a link to another website. Great, he was being spammed by her brother. He clicked the link anyway.
It took him to an online auction site—specifically to a series of listings from one vendor. His eyes narrowed as he recognised the first few items. All those designer black dresses. Those shoes. Kitty had placed everything she’d bought with his money up for auction. There was a highlighted comment in the blurb on each stating that all the proceeds would be donated to a leading charity for the survivors of domestic violence.
His throat burned. Shame hollowed him out. But he couldn’t stop scrolling down. There were so many memories attached to those dresses. Even the ones she’d not had the chance to wear.
He paused when he came to the emerald dress that she’d worn that last night they’d had together in Manhattan. But it was the entry just beneath that which broke his heart.
The antique diamond choker. This time the proceeds were not listed as going to charity. Alejandro knew exactly why.
Teddy had given it to her and she was using it to gain a foothold on her future. He knew the money in the a
ccount he’d set up for her had been untouched. She’d save it for the child but not use a cent for herself. Her integrity and pride wouldn’t let her. Now she was doing what she thought she had to do, to make her way independently. She was willing to sacrifice something she loved, for the benefit of someone else. She always put others first, even when it wasn’t necessary.
Well, not this time. He wasn’t letting her.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN, the auction site is down?’ Kitty glared at the wall as she tried to understand what the man on the helpline was telling her. ‘None of my items are up there any more.’
‘I know; we’re looking into it. We can phone you back once we’ve located the issue.’
She didn’t want them to phone her back; she just wanted it fixed. But she hung up with a sigh and turned back to her new creation on the dining table. She needed to keep focused, keep working, keep moving forward.
Someone banged on the front door just as she was about to begin sketching a ‘laser nozzle’ for the interstellar transporter. She wiped her hands and went to the door.
‘Alejandro.’ She stepped back almost instantly, suddenly self-conscious in her splattered tee and ancient leggings. He might have helped her address her body confidence issues, but she’d still rather not be in her painting rags.
‘May I come in?’ he asked.
He looked better than the last time she’d seen him—not as pale or angular. His eyes were brighter and vitality radiated from him. That was good, right? He was obviously doing well.
But it ripped her heart all over again.
‘Of course.’ She brushed her hair behind her ear. ‘It’s still your house.’
He didn’t respond to that as he walked in ahead of her. Nervously, she ran her hands down the sides of her legs and followed him.
‘You’re making more props?’ He turned into the kitchen and noted the clay sticking to her tee with a small grin.
‘Yes.’ She summoned a smile to match his. ‘They liked the shield and commissioned more.’