by Sheri Duff
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I stand on the hard, sterile tile, leaning against the wall in the white room, looking at Benny. The hospital bed is propped up but he’s sleeping. Alicia went out for more coffee. We have been here at the hospital for over an hour. I chased her out the door when she left the house. I had to see him. Dad’s still at football practice. His butt should be here with his wife. But my father can’t deal with these things. Hospitals make him queasy. My mom said he barely survived my birth. What a wimp.
“Hijita?" Benny opens his eyes.
I stand by the side of his bed. “I thought I was gonna lose you,” I say.
“Not a chance. I’m a stubborn old man. I‘m not ready to leave this world. I plan on staying a while.” He pats my hand. He’s cold.
I rub his hand.
“If you want to stay, your food choices will change, Papi.” Alicia’s heels click into the room. She’s holding two large cups of coffee. “It’s decaf, get used to it.” She hands me a cup, winking.
“I see how it is. Don’t think I didn’t see that.” Benny tries his best to sound mad. “What, different rules for me, and you all get to do whatever you want?”
I take a sip of the vanilla latte. It’s from the cart on the main floor. It’s weak and has lots of foam.
“Do as I say, Papi, not as I do. I learned from the best.” She kisses the top of his head. He steals her cup and takes a swig. He’s proud of himself. It’s like he’s gotten away with something. He swallows and winces. “You would get herbal tea. You’re so much like your mother.”
I back out of the room slowly so the two of them can spend time alone. Alicia needs time alone with her dad. That’s something I clearly understand. I just want to share him. He’s the grandfather I don’t have that I now so desperately want. It’s funny how everything is twisted and messed up. I feel like those bite-sized licorice, twisted, cut up and thrown in a bag, not able to find the other parts of me. I’m not sure if I want them back, but I can’t connect to the other pieces. And I want to.
Alicia slides out of the room. “He wants to talk you before you leave.” Then she whispers, “I stashed my real coffee in the waiting room. You go in while I go get my caffeine fix.”
I sit stiffly in the chair next to the bed. It’s hard for me to relax. Benny’s eyes remain closed. I’m not sure if he’s fallen back asleep. I don’t want to wake him. Alicia had told me the next few days would strain him and he would need his rest.
“I’m sorry, hijita. It’s hard for me to keep my eyes open. I want you to know that I fought for you. I fought for me, but for you too. My only wish is to become a grandfather. You may not be ready and I’m okay with that. I’ll wait. But you, child, are my only chance, and even if there was another chance, there isn’t another child out there that could fill your shoes. So I needed time, and my Lord is giving me that time. I’ll keep fighting. I’ll keep living for you.” He drifts back into sleep. His chest moves in sync with his steady breath.
I kiss the top of his head and whisper, “I love you, Abuelo.”