by Juliet Gael
“I’m not pretty to look at,” she whispered.
There was a brief but solemn silence while he struggled to express something deeply felt.
With a touch of his hand, he lifted her chin so that her eyes met his.
“From the first day we met, you have been for me an object of indescribable fascination. But I know that’s not your meaning. You speak of conventional beauty. But has that ever mattered to me? Have you ever seen me shy away from you, or turn my gaze from you? Have you not seen—and felt—the effect you have on me?”
She felt herself blushing hotly.
“Here, give me your hand,” he said. Timidly, she offered it to him. Her fingers were chilled, and he slipped them inside his shirt, to the bristling hair on his warm chest just over his pounding heart. “There, feel that. Is that not answer enough for you?”
Then he released her hand.
“Now, take off your things and get into bed. I’ll sit here by the fire and drink my port. I’ll not come to bed until you’re ready for me.”
He listened to her undressing, following with his imagination the sound of her fingers fumbling with the hooks, buttons, and ties and then drawing her chemise over her head; the rustling of silk as the voluminous skirts and petticoats fell to the floor; the whisper of muslin against her skin as she drew on her nightshirt; her bare feet padding lightly over the creaking wood floor, the old bed groaning as she turned back the blankets and slipped between the sheets.
He finished his glass of port and rose to add coals to the fire.
“Arthur, that will only make the room brighter.”
“Whatever pleases you, my dear.”
With the poker he spread out the coals. Then, in the shadows, he removed his clothes.
He crept into bed, sliding between the sheets and reaching for her.
Her entire body was trembling now.
She let out a startled gasp as he crawled on top of her and pressed his erection against her stomach; his size and the intense heat of his body overwhelmed her.
The pain was sharp but short-lived, as was the act itself. When he withdrew himself, and fell beside her, and spread his hand across her stomach, curling his fingers into the hair of her sex, she lay there in awe and disbelief.
It was done.
Cradling her in his arms, he kissed her for a long while, and when his breathing had calmed he said, “One day you will take as much pleasure in this as I do.”
When she made no reply, he said, “I promise you.”
Hot tears slid down her cheeks, but she made not a sound.
“I promise you,” he repeated softly.
The intimacy forged from that wondrous strange act infiltrated her thoughts and colored her perception from the moment she opened her eyes the next morning. She felt as if this new sexual knowledge had so changed her that it must inevitably be visible to others. At breakfast in the dining room, she flushed when the innkeeper stopped by their table to inquire if the room met with their satisfaction.
“My dear, you’ve gone beet red,” Arthur teased when the innkeeper had gone. Then he dove into his ham and beans.
She took a sip of her tea and darted a shy look at him. “It’s just a little warm in here, that’s all.”
He swallowed and leaned forward to whisper, “I’m your husband, my dear. Only I can read your thoughts. No one else.”
Charlotte flashed him a fiery look. “And what makes you think you have such wondrous powers?”
Arthur broke out into deep laughter, and Charlotte immediately realized the suggestive nature of her comment.
“Arthur!” she scolded in a quiet voice. Then, noticing how quickly his breakfast was disappearing, she said, “Well, at least you seem to have regained your appetite.”
He blotted his mouth and said, “Only because another has been satisfied.”
She shot him a look of utter shock.
His countenance softened, and he reached under the table for her knee. “Pray don’t be so harsh on me. I’m mad about you, my dear. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. To whom can I say these things if not to you? My wife?”
A reluctant smile crept around the corners of her mouth. “It’s just difficult to hear you talk like this. For years I knew you as a man of such restraint, Arthur. So stiff and reserved.”
Arthur had a mouthful of tea. He struggled to hold a straight face while he swallowed.
“Now what have I said?” she pursued hotly, and upon reflection, she blushed again.
“Oh, Arthur!” she scolded. “You’re absolutely impossible. I can’t talk to you anymore!”
Gradually they adjusted to each other, and Arthur’s unfailing kindness and warmth, his unceasing concern for her comfort and happiness always compensated for the awkwardness of the nights. In bed she endured the sexual act. She thought of it as indulging her husband a strange and powerful need. For her the most crucial element was lacking: the feeling she knew to be love. That emotional glue that held a man and a woman together. Without that glue, the realms of her life seemed disjointed. The rational woman told herself she was satisfied. The emotional one had been left out in the cold.
Chapter Thirty
Were it not for the fact that they were to meet Arthur’s family, Charlotte would have preferred any place other than Ireland for their honeymoon voyage.
It was the only point upon which Arthur had insisted.
“I think you’ll discover a different Ireland from the one your father has painted for you. It’s not as savage as you imagine.” Arthur said this to her their last morning in Wales as he stood near the window, trimming his beard. He angled the hand mirror to catch her reflection; she had her chin tucked to her chest as she fastened the front hooks of her bodice. She was only just getting comfortable dressing in front of him.
Arthur smiled to himself, enjoying this furtive surveillance when she was unguarded.
“I imagine no such thing,” she murmured, preoccupied with her hooks and eyes.
“Some of us are quite respectable,” he said as he put away the scissors. Impulsively, he went to her and kissed her on the back of the neck.
Charlotte answered with an elbow jab to his ribs.
It was true that Patrick Brontë looked with scorn on certain weaknesses in the Irish character and had planted in his children’s minds visions of Ireland as a rural society mired in illiteracy and poverty. From the day he’d set foot in Cambridge, her father had wiped the Irish dust from his shoes and never glanced back. He rarely spoke of his ten brothers and sisters, the Prunty peasants, farmers, and ale makers, nor had he ever returned to visit them. He had left Ireland at the age of twenty-five with a hard-earned classical education and seven pounds in his pocket, and over the next four years at St. John’s he became an object of awe and admiration for his singular ability to subsist on practically nothing. By dint of his natural gifts, a sincere and ardent faith, and steely ambition, he had overcome enormous disadvantages to achieve outstanding academic success and ordination into the Church of England—thereby earning the right to claim the most valuable prize in all of Britain: the status of a gentleman.
That his brilliant and famous daughter could do no better than a poor Irish curate for a husband had just about broken his heart.
Arthur was perhaps a little to blame for the misperception of his worth. There was much he might have said to disprove Patrick Brontë’s harsh opinions, if he had chosen to do so. But it was not in his nature. Had he been more arrogant and boastful, the truth might have come out a little earlier. As it turned out, Charlotte had to discover these things for herself. She would be forced to take the man on faith, and travel with him to a new and unfamiliar place. Arthur’s qualities would slowly become apparent, like the refracted beauties of a gem long ignored. When observed in a new light, it was found to be an object of surprising fascination.
She was certainly not expecting to be greeted by such a strikingly beautiful thing as Mary Anna.
The young woman h
urried along the quay as quickly as she could, clutching the flapping ribbons of her bonnet with one hand. The awkward gait was noticed first, but then the face took your breath away.
She had tears in her eyes even before she drew near enough for Charlotte to make out their color—the same delft blue as Arthur’s.
There was a flash of unconcealed emotion when she fell into Arthur’s embrace and turned her cheek for him to kiss. “Oh, Arthur,” she murmured tenderly, “we’ve missed you ever so much.”
“Charlotte … my cousin, Mary Anna Bell.”
“I’m pleased to meet you,” Charlotte smiled, offering the girl her hand and noting the sober elegance of her dress, the spotless kid gloves and silk parasol. There was about her whole person a grave air of competence that seemed designed to play down the ethereal beauty of her face.
She grasped Charlotte’s hand warmly. “Oh, Miss Brontë,” she said in a softly assured voice that could barely be heard over the clamor of the train station. “We’re so glad you’ve come.”
“It’s Mrs. Nicholls now,” Arthur corrected with a smile.
“Oh, but of course it is!” The blue eyes widened in embarrassment. “How thoughtless of me!”
Arthur saw how this small slip had flustered her, and he reached for her elbow and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“It’s quite understandable, dear cousin, since I’ve been writing to you about Miss Brontë for so many years. And then I went and changed her name.”
“And I’m so glad you did,” Mary Anna said, once again composed. She allowed her delicate blue gaze to linger on him for just a moment, and Charlotte felt an unexpected pang of jealousy.
“Where’s that big brother of mine?” Arthur asked.
“He ran into a gentleman from the Canals who absolutely insisted on detaining him, but I saw you come off the train and slipped away.”
“And Joseph?”
“He’ll join us tomorrow.” She turned to Charlotte. “My younger brother so regrets not being here to meet you, ma’am. He’s a student at Trinity, as I’m sure Arthur has told you, and he has duties as a tutor to a family in town. But he’s very much looking forward to touring the city with us.”
“And your mama?” Arthur asked. “How is she?”
“Like she always is just before you come home. Counting the days and driving the servants into a tizzy.”
Charlotte inquired about the youngest cousin, Lucy.
“She’s quite well,” Mary Anna smiled. “Rather upset at having to remain at home with Mama.”
This drew a chuckle from Arthur. “My poor dear aunt.”
“Yes, Mama’s paying for it, I’m sure.”
At that moment Alan Bell strode into their midst—a stout, red-whiskered man with a loose smile and an animated face and the air of a country gentleman. The two brothers fell into a bearlike embrace, and after much hearty back pounding, the elder turned to Charlotte with a mannerly tip of the hat.
“Madam, my deepest admiration to you for having taken on this troublesome old bachelor. I daresay, a few more years of single life and he would have become quite intolerable.” His eyes seemed to twinkle with an urge to do mischief, and Charlotte could sense the strong, real affection behind the sparring words.
“Indeed, sir, I believe I saved him in the nick of time,” Charlotte quipped.
Arthur broke into a proud smile, and with a protective air he drew her hand through his arm, tucking it snugly into his elbow and pressing her as close to him as her full skirts would allow. It was a gesture that was becoming familiar to her, his response whenever he was at a loss for words or overwhelmed by emotion.
Outside, Alan gave a signal, and a heavy black coach drawn by two bays came clattering toward them over the cobbled drive.
“Thought it best to come up in the old family thing. So much roomier than mine,” Alan said in a quiet aside to Arthur. “And Joseph’s coming back with us to Cuba House. The earl didn’t want to give him leave, but he explained it was to meet your new bride and showed himself quite firm about the matter. Ah, here’s Simon. Here we are.” He opened the carriage door and lowered the steps. “In you go, Mrs. Nicholls.”
Charlotte felt hands on her waist, and she glanced up to see Arthur’s whiskered face over her shoulder.
“Yes, Mrs. Nicholls,” he murmured lovingly. “In you go.”
Dublin took her by surprise. Her first impression from the carriage was that of an elegant city of classical beauty. Magnificent Georgian public buildings and terraced town houses bore witness to the extravagant lifestyle of the gentry during the previous century’s prosperity—although there were signs of growing deterioration and neglect. She caught glimpses of fountains, squares, and greens planted with flower beds, of porticoed doorways crowned with elegant fanlights.
Over dinner at the inn that evening, Charlotte found her new brother-in-law extremely well-read and well-informed about politics. He spoke modestly of his work as manager of the Grand Canal linking Dublin to the River Shannon, although Charlotte suspected it was a position of considerable influence. For the most part their conversation turned around familial topics; they talked of the family estate, how they were managing the little bit of farmland that remained, of a favorite old retainer who had passed away, of trout fishing, of stalking and shooting, of horse trading. These were clearly subjects of intense interest to Arthur—the passions of a country gentleman rather than a clergyman. It was not so much a new man but a whole man that began to emerge.
Mary Anna remained quiet. Only Arthur seemed capable of drawing her out. To him she would chatter away in a soft voice as if she believed that nothing she said held any interest for anyone but him. Her manners gave the impression of maturity beyond her years—and upon closer acquaintance one became conscious of a perplexing sadness that somehow dulled her beauty.
That night in their room at the inn, Charlotte sat perched on the bed wrapped in Arthur’s wool sweater while he dug through their trunk for his flask of whiskey.
“Arthur, how old is Mary Anna?”
“Twenty-one.”
“She seems much older.”
“She’s always seemed that way, even as a child.”
“But what a beautiful girl. She has the complexion of a Madonna. Is Lucy as pretty?”
“Lucy is every bit as pretty, but she lacks Mary Anna’s good sense. She’s only a year younger, but they are as different as night and day. Lucy can be a little spoiled and petulant, and Mary Anna suffers it all with the patience of a saint. And Lucy has suitors, which Mary Anna has never had.”
“Never. Not any?”
“Not one…. Ah, here it is! Now, where are the glasses?”
“On the mantel. And you keep two carriages and a coachman?”
“It’s not my property, dearest. It’s my aunt’s household. As for Simon, he wears a half dozen hats around the house, and the carriage is an ancient rattletrap, as I’m sure you noticed.”
“And what about your cousin Joseph? I overheard something about an earl’s household.”
“Uh, yes … the Earl of Kenmare.”
“You never told me he was employed by an earl.”
“I told you he was employed by a respectable family in Dublin.”
“Honestly, Arthur, you might have been a bit more forthcoming.”
“Now, don’t be cross with me. You abhor boasting, Charlotte, as do I. You would have accused me of being like Sir James if I had started touting our acquaintances.”
“Does Papa know these things about your family?”
“No, and I see no reason why it should make a whit of difference to him. How could my young cousin’s employer in Ireland brighten my prospects? I’m as poor as I’ve ever been. And having pretty girl cousins and a well-educated brother and two carriages doesn’t make my star shine any brighter. These things are immaterial to us. What’s important is that I have the qualities necessary to take care of you and your father and continue in God’s work. That’s all that matters. That and
the fact that I love you madly.”
He poured a little whiskey into a glass and offered it to her.
“Here, drink this. You’ve overexerted yourself now and your cough is getting worse.”
He pressed the back of his hand to her forehead and cheek.
“You have a fever.”
“Arthur, dearest, I’m warm because you’ve got me bundled in wool up to my ears. I assure you I’ll be quite well enough to see the sights tomorrow. I should not like to miss a thing.”
“Then get underneath the covers. You must rest.”
He made no demands on her that night. It was the first night since their marriage that he had not urged himself on her. Each night in the cover of darkness he would slide his bearlike hands beneath her nightgown and grapple in his clumsily innocent way with the unformed breasts, the boyish hips and thighs—and she would feel him swell with lust and love, which were one and the same to him.
All through the act she remained distant and alert, noting the startling changes in his body, the sweat and heat, the sensation of his beard on her nipples, the grunts and spasmodic cries when he had been satisfied. She would wrap her arms around his bullish neck and meekly return his kisses, but just as soon as she began to feel her body respond it would be over.
Arthur was only too aware of the one-sided nature of their pleasure.
“Oh, my dear,” he sighed one night in Wales as she lay nestled in his arms, “I’m afraid innocence does have its disadvantages, doesn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“What I mean is, if I had acquired a little experience in these matters, I might know better how to please you.”
Charlotte rose on her elbows and scowled at him. “Arthur Bell Nicholls, you are a man of the church.”
“I assure you there are many young bachelor clergymen donning surplices every Sunday with blemishes on their souls.”
“And do you think they make better husbands?”
“I speak of lovers, not husbands.”
Charlotte was silent. She laid her head on his chest and listened to the steady drumming of his heart. She did not know how to talk about these things. She could certainly not talk about her own desires, or how to satisfy them.