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She gripped her hands together so hard that the skin of her fingers burned.
Then Billy appeared. He was walking with a few other guys, but Raylee didn't really notice them. Her heart thumped one-and-a-half times. Now Crystal, just a foot away now, started blowing kisses at Billy.
Raylee's heart squeezed shut for a few seconds. She wanted to look away, to be anywhere but here, except Billy strolled on by, either because he hadn't seen her gesture or because he didn't care. Raylee hoped it was because of the latter.
"Did you see the way he looked at me? He’s in love with me. Oh, and he’s taking me to the dance." Crystal was beaming.
Had Billy really looked at Crystal just then, and Raylee hadn't seen?
And what about Ryan? Weren't they supposed to be dating?
Raylee pressed her back deeper into the locker in an effort to become less visible. The lock dial jabbed painfully into her spine.
She turned away from Gina’s hard stare that firmly fixed on her, and Crystal as she mouthed Billy’s name and winked at Raylee. Then the clique rolled by her like one big ball of confidence.
The bell signaled the start of chemistry, but Raylee stood still, alone in the hallway, remembering the first moment she'd laid eyes on Billy, how it seemed in the breath of that instant that her world might possibly be changing forever, for the better. Except that Crystal stood in the way.
She looked once more at the Homecoming Dance banner. She thought back to that Halloween night. Had Billy been asking her to the dance? Was that why Crystal had been smiling?
She gathered her books together and entered the classroom, her last class before lunch. She was late, but Mr. Rivers was busy lecturing the class about being cautious when experimenting with the liquid vials.
Raylee hurried over to join Katy, who was her assigned lab partner. Since she'd told Raylee about having to refocus on her studies, they hadn't really talked about much. She wished that she could confide in her about Crystal, even though Katy never really understood how seriously she affected Raylee anyway.
"Sorry I’m late," Raylee whispered, but Katy was preoccupied, intently studying the little bubbles erupting inside a clear glass jar.
Pulling on some gloves and placing a pair of goggles over her face, Raylee attempted to concentrate on the experiment, but her attempt was futile, overtaken by the dominating loud voices of Gina and Crystal at the next table over.
They were laughing about something and making sure to glance in Raylee’s direction as they did.
Crystal said in a volume purposefully high enough for Raylee to hear, "I overheard Henry tell Billy that they’re going to rent a limo for the dance."
Gina was gushing as she eyed Raylee. "I’m so glad he asked you. You definitely deserve each other."
Too late to miss their deliberate gazes, Raylee focused on the potion in her glass vial. She began mixing various compounds into the clotting liquid, pretending to be absorbed with the task but unable to ignore Crystal’s intruding tone.
"Hey, Raylee, how’s it coming along? It looks, uh, interesting." She stressed that last word with a drip of sarcasm and she and Gina smirked at each other.
"I’m not sure." Katy was oblivious to the growing tension.
"Anyone ask you to the dance yet?" Crystal asked, a slimy smirk settling across her pretty red lips. She knew how to paralyze her with insecurity and fear. Raylee managed to tell her she was going, but before she could get out with whom, Crystal redirected her attention to Gina.
A moment later, Crystal’s smirk transformed into a satisfied grin. "Billy’s taking me." Then she looked directly at Raylee, her eyes pinning her to her seat, making Raylee feel like a tiny mouse caught in the snare of a wildcat. "Maybe we’ll see you there." Crystal’s words scorched what little dignity Raylee had left in that moment
Leaning over to Gina, Crystal whispered something before they were both looking back to Raylee and laughing all over again.
Raylee pretended not to notice, concentrating on the equipment spread across the table. But no matter how hard she acted like they weren’t there, it was impossible to miss what Gina said.
"She actually thinks Billy would even want to give her the time of day. Oh, how sad."
"Pathetic," Crystal agreed. "He doesn’t even know she exists."
Yes, he does. But Crystal wasn’t done.
"Her little heart’s probably going to break when she sees us together at the dance."
She tried to stop the building tears that came to her eyes and focus all her energy into what Mr. Rivers was saying about the next stage.
Some girls knew how to sail through life, and nothing ever bothered them. Other girls, like Raylee, squirmed under the stare of, or at a word uttered by, those with power.
No one ever stood up to Gina or Crystal. How they came to demand such reverence both amazed and troubled her
"Under Pressure."
She looked over at Katy. “Huh?"
Katy pointed to Raylee’s vial, Raylee glanced down and gasped, and both girls giggled as Raylee uncapped the vial just before the liquid could explode. She sure was glad to have someone like Katy help her get through chemistry and all the perils that came with it.
Because the Homecoming dance was delayed by nearly two months, the huge pressure from most of the student body to discover who would be crowned king and queen that persisted over the last several weeks finally took its toll on Principal Grabisch. He ended up making an announcement just before the end of school.
To no surprise, Billy and Crystal had won the vote.
On their way to the school parking lot, Katy tapped Raylee's elbow. "You don't have to worry about Billy and Crystal going as a couple. I overheard Crystal telling Gina, right before class, a little annoyed I might add, that he was only going with her because they would be crowned together. Apparently, she'd coerced the information out of Grabisch a while back, so she had a head start on planning it."
So, Katy had been listening in class.
The Halloween dance. Crystal probably already knew she and Billy would be crowned. Maybe that's what their conversation had been about.
But Crystal and Billy weren't an item. They were just going to the dance together, as to be expected.
Raylee felt a little better, her step lighter, her worried spirits lifting.
EIGHT
Thanksgiving drew near, and Raylee found herself questioning what was happening between her and Donald. They weren't dating, but they didn't seem like friends either. She didn't know what to make of their relationship. Strangely, he still insisted they go to Homecoming together, not as a couple, but as friends.
He actually came over after school a couple of times to play cards with her. It was the only time they saw each other outside of lunch and English. He was also spending more time with Ryan and David again.
Her dad was busy in his bedroom working on a sermon, and her mom was flitting around the house alternating between cleaning the kitchen, working on a logic puzzle, and checking on her husband.
Donald broke the silence. "Sorry if I've been distant. Just doing a lot of thinking about the move and all. It's going to be weird, you know? I mean, I've only ever lived in California."
"That makes sense."
"Are you excited about the dance?"
Was she? She couldn't be sure.
She shrugged as she played a run of four. "I guess so. How about you?"
He smiled at her. "I think we'll have a good time."
She returned the smile, but she couldn't get Billy out of her head. They had at least one thing in common, they both liked acting, but that didn't seem enough, on its own, to open up any real conversation between them.
She was glad that Paul was in her life, especially now with Donald moving away next year. She and Paul became best friends sometime in the last month. Not only had he found a way to excite her about history, he was now going to church with her. And she'd shared all about her
worry over Crystals' remarks about going to the dance with Billy, which released some of the stress she'd been feeling as he was so easy to talk to. Paul was a good listener.
"Looks like you won again," Donald said. "Well," he got to his feet. "I better head home. See you in school."
"Nice to see you again, Donald," her mom called out from her bedroom.
That week, her dad was preaching on being grateful for what you had, which made sense with the pending holiday and all, but Raylee thought deeply on the message. She had wonderful parents and an awesome best friend. Just those two things alone were enough to bring her much gratitude. Her heart warmed at those facts.
In previous conversations, she'd learned that Paul also grew up in the faith. Like her, he had two married parents who loved Christ. Not the typical family in this world. It was pretty cool that they both believed in the same things; it made hanging out easy and clear. Unlike with Donald, where she felt unsure and confused half of the time. Which made her wonder what Donald believed in.
Over the last few weeks, she'd learned a lot about Paul's dreams for his future. He didn't think he'd care much for the new school. After all, Royal High School—where he expected to continue attending, that is, until his mom's promotion transferred them to Silver Canyon—was the king of elite schools. It had everything any student could want. In its first year, the school received state recognition for top academic achievement in English and math, and a few universities submitted partial scholarships for top achieving students across multiple subjects. He'd had a chance at one designed for business management, but then the move came, he switched schools, and now it felt like he was starting over because Silver Canyon didn't have all of these honors in place.
It was Paul's dream to follow in his dad's footsteps, to run his own business, maybe even assist his dad one day in his auto dealership. The path to that dream changed, now less clear and less certain. He wondered what this year would hold in store for him. Maybe it wouldn't turn out so badly.
Her dad finished up the sermon, and Raylee and Paul headed outside. After they parted ways, they headed home. Her dad went upstairs, calling it an early night. Her mom clicked on the TV and settled on the couch, her legs crossed at the ankles as she laid them atop the wood coffee table.
"Ready to watch?" she asked Raylee.
Grabbing a bottled water from the fridge, she frowned. "Watch what?"
"Beverly Hills 90210."
"Mom? You like that show? I thought you didn’t care for me watching it."
Offering reassurance, she grabbed her daughter’s hand and gently pulled her down beside her. "Look, I know that this is for teens, and I know that the characters make unwise decisions, but who doesn’t? I also know that there are a lot of good issues that they tackle. So, let’s stop talking and get down to watching."
Raylee laughed, surprised by her mom’s willingness to join her.
The new episode was a Thanksgiving special, "The Kindness of Strangers". It turned out be about giving, specifically highlighting Brandon’s rescuing of a resistant vet in order to bless him with his parent’s family holiday-making.
As they watched, Raylee realized that her mom’s comments were pretty exact; while the show was surely to entertain on many levels, it also served a profound purpose in reminding its viewers about the goodness found in people, even strangers.
Billy was practically a stranger, except that he didn’t feel like one, though truly she knew little about him. The fact that she managed to get less than a couple of sentences out whenever he was around didn’t help the situation much. She desperately wanted to know more about him, but she wasn’t one to just go after someone she liked, to possess the kind of confidence it took to learn more about someone she had a crush on.
When he'd spoken to her, he had been a stranger, and the amount of compassion he’d shown her far surpassed that of those she’d known for much longer. The attention he gave her rang true. It wasn’t like the attention Crystal gave her, full of snark and show. His was the kind that desired meaningful connections.
"Where’s Dad?"
"Prepping for the week. Want me to get him?"
"No, that’s okay."
Her parents had been married for almost twenty years and loved each other still. Already, on 90210, Brandon, Kelly, Brenda, and Dylan had gone through several relationships. They were in high school, but there didn’t seem any permanence to their choices.
Her mind automatically drifted to the kids at school, and she realized that their relationships were very similar. Was that good? Should she be, as people said, ‘playing the field’?
Crystal and Ryan seemed like a good fit, and then BAM! they were apparently broken up, seemingly for no reason. She hadn't spotted them together in weeks. And there was Gina who broke up with Henry.
Half of her class had dated at least two people this year already. Raylee had only dated Donald. In the ninth grade. Was there something wrong with her? Was that why nothing had come of their relationship this time? Should she be going through guys to find out who was the best fit?
"Mom, how did you know that Dad was the one?" A commercial now played. Her mom faced her.
"Because he loved me. I dated a few boys before him, you know, back in high school, but they never wanted to be serious. We only went on a couple of dates before I realized how non-committal they intended to be. But your dad, he was like a dream come true." Her voice grew soft, enraptured. Raylee smiled at her.
That’s exactly what she wanted too, someone who looked at her with such affection, who would always be there for her. But would it actually come true? It didn’t seem possible. She’d only dated one guy, but no one ever looked at her with permanent romance in his eyes.
She wanted what her parents enjoyed. That special lasting bond. But the idea that someone would ever look at her in that way, would desire to marry her, to share his life with her, felt unrealistic, impossible, too far away to ever take place.
Part of her thinking she attributed to society. In movies, people were rarely shown happy in marriages, and the foundation of it, which required hard work and commitment, was nothing that Hollywood wished to convey. Those happily-ever-afters, on the other hand, made their way into pop culture through a plethora of channels, convincing society that marriage was a piece of cake, easy to find, etc., etc.
All of that was false, she knew that, but still she couldn’t help but wish for it to be that accessible.
"Hey, I thought Dylan liked Brenda." Her mom brought her back to reality, frowning at the TV screen as the show resumed.
Raylee smiled. "It’s complicated."
***
With Thanksgiving break over, it was time to return to school. The morning classes passed by quickly and lunch soon came around.
Raylee's stomach grumbled as she made her way into the cafeteria. She spotted Paul right away.
"Paul!"
He shifted direction from the food bar and headed over. Katy and Donald were holding seats for them at a corner table.
Raylee said, "Why don't you grab your lunch? We'll hold your seat for you."
"Thanks." Paul set his bag on the chair and jogged over to order his lunch. A moment later, he returned with a tray of indecipherable meat and a cluster of tater tots.
The lunch period turned out to be enjoyable. Conversation was lighthearted. The chemistry between them all ran smoothly. She thought being around Donald might be awkward as they hadn't seen too much of each other lately, but she was wrong.
"Why history?" Raylee asked Paul as he finished his main course.
He looked up. “Huh?"
She opened a little packet of ketchup and squirted it on her meat. Because it was shaped like a hot dog, as was his, she assumed that’s what it was, but one could never be sure when it came to school cafeteria food.
“That’s your favorite subject. I don’t get it."
“Hot dog?"
It was her turn to utter a �
��huh?’.
He gestured to her plate. "Is that what that is? Cause I’m not sure."
She chuckled. "I think so."
"Well, think about it. All of the people who came before us, they went through some of the things that we are going through. I figured, we could learn a lot from them."
Raylee hadn’t thought about it that way before. "Hmmm. Interesting."
"Why English?"
"What?"
"Isn’t that your favorite?"
"Doesn’t literature fascinate you? All of the incredible stories, the way the language moves to form situations and develop characters."
Paul scooped a bite of tater tot into his mouth and arched his eyebrows. "Hmmm. Interesting."
She was grateful to have drama next; it took her mind off reality for a bit. And she always had her novels to help her escape too.
Dostoyevsky was turning out to be one of Raylee's favorite writers. He was the first fiction writer she'd read who covered serious subject matters, like in Crime and Punishment or The Brothers Karamazov, in such deep ways. She was amazed by the way how thoughtfully he approached the darker side of man.
To look into the intentions of a person's heart, to be able to recognize and expose them and comprehend them could only come from a place of serious wisdom and awareness. She wondered if she would ever arrive at such a level of understanding. At least her exposure to these great classics reinforced the certainty of her path into the Russian program.
She owned both versions of his two works, in English and in Russian. She figured that occasionally diving into a Russian-written book would help immerse her into its linguistic world.
Ms. Cass had everyone working in pairs. Raylee got paired with another girl. They practiced improving a few short scenes. Thankfully, Billy was across the room; otherwise, she would never have been able to concentrate.
Raylee wasn't prepared for what happened in PE next. If anyone could have stopped her heart and sent it to the moon, it was definitely Billy.
She was having an increasingly harder time focusing on the task at hand, warming up, hitting practice balls.