by M. Robinson
It wasn’t until I heard him call me Muñeca and say he had something for me, that I realized he was real. For some reason, the image of him at that very moment brought back the memory of when Papi said he had a gift for me.
There was kindness in his eyes again, his stare never wavering from mine as he slowly placed Yuly in between us. Showing me he’d fixed her, cleaned her up, making her look perfect again.
For me.
“Yuly?” I finally spoke. My eyes welling up with fresh tears, not believing what I was seeing. The sight of my doll restoring a little piece of what was left of my heart.
He nodded and our eyes never strayed from one another as I hesitantly reached for the doll. Taking it out of his hands.
“Muñeca, I’m not going to hurt you,” he sincerely stated in Spanish. “You’re going to have to trust me.”
I stared at him and then down at my doll with so much confusion in my stare. Unsure what to think or what to do.
“We have to go,” he stated, bringing my attention back to him.
“Where? Where do I go?” I whispered loud enough for him to hear.
“You let me worry about that.” He stood, extending his hand for me to take.
My glare shifted from his hand, down to my lap where my baby chicks were still lying.
“They can come too,” he answered my unspoken question.
Peering back up at him, I narrowed my eyes. “You promise… you promise you’re not going to hurt me? I’m safe with you? From the monsters…”
He didn’t hesitate in replying, “You’re safe with me, Muñeca.”
“Do you still have Yuly?” he asked, startling my memory like he’d been recalling the same thing I was.
I glanced at the side of his face, his concentrated stare zeroed in only on the hay loft where I’d been hiding.
“We need to go, Damien. I want to leave now. Can we go?” I stated, ignoring his question.
His worried eyes snapped to mine. “Amira—”
“Please.” Not giving him a chance to respond, I swiftly made my way out of the barn and into the SUV with him not far behind.
By the time we arrived at our second hotel, now in Ciudad Mar, it was late into the night. We hadn’t spoken since we left El Campo, not much was left to say between us. Both of us emotionally, physically, and mentally spent. It would have to wait for another time.
Though could it?
I showered first, going about my nightly routine on autopilot. Damien following suit, once again skirting around the gigantic elephant in the corner of the room. He found me already lying under the sheets in bed when he exited the bathroom. Crawling in beside me, he didn’t waver in pulling me close to the front of his body, still not feeling close enough. Wrapping his arm around my stomach, he entwined his legs with mine, always making me feel smaller in his embrace. The weight of him that brought me comfort didn’t suffice. At least not tonight.
I wanted more.
Needed more.
Longed for him in the same ways I never stopped.
It didn’t take long to hear the soft lull of his breathing, falling asleep with me in his arms. It was all too much for me to bear. Suffocating in his hold he had on me now and for all eternity.
Before I begged for his body to be on top of mine, I slowly moved out of his strong embrace. Peering down at him in the same way I imagined he must have when he was gazing down at me the morning he left me behind. I shook away the image and thoughts, grabbed my bag, turned and left.
Carelessly leaving him before he had the chance to leave me…
All over again.
THIRTY-ONE
DAMIEN
I shot straight up in bed, gasping for my next breath with my hand pressed firmly against my chest like I was trying to hold my heart together. Sweat pooled at my temples, running down my face and neck. My hair sticking to my skin. The sheets all array as if I fought my way out of the realm of darkness. The room was pitch black, and I couldn’t see anything around me except the red lights of the alarm clock flashing two o’clock in the morning. But I didn’t need to. My nightmare was clear as day, my reality even clearer.
She was gone.
I jumped out of the bed and turned on the first light my fingers fell upon, not giving a flying fuck they were from the bathroom. Only giving off a small ambiance into the room, just enough clarity to find my shit. I rummaged through my suitcase, throwing on the first pair of slacks and button-down shirt I could find. Slipping on my shoes as I hauled ass out the door, forgoing the elevator, knowing the stairs would be faster. I jaggedly buttoned my slacks and shirt, my fingers failing miserably to get it right while I continued running toward the stairs, taking them two at a time, not wasting anymore precious time.
Who the fuck knew how long she’d been gone.
I bolted through the stairwell doors hurrying to the front desk, knowing there was no way of entering or leaving without passing concierge. Shouting, “Have you seen the woman I was with? Dark hair, brown eyes about this tall—”
“Sir, please calm down.”
I slammed my hand on the counter, making her jolt. “Don’t tell me to calm down! Have you seen her?” I roared, unable to govern the rage within myself. Allowing Amira to literally slip through my fingers from being so goddamn exhausted to feel her leave me behind.
“I just started my shift, let me check with—”
“Jesus Christ! Then stop wasting my fucking time and go find the person who’s been working all night!”
“Mr. Montero,” the hotel manager announced, walking up behind me.
I figured I was getting kicked out for my temper that I couldn’t ever seem to control, especially when it came to Amira. Through a clenched jaw, I gritted out, “I’ll check out and leave as soon as someone fucking tells me if they’ve seen the woman I was with.”
“I’ve seen her.” He nodded, gesturing to another entrance at the back of the hotel. “She walked down to the beach.”
Before he finished what he was saying, I took off. Sprinting out the doors toward the private path to the water. My mind raced with merciless, unforgiving thoughts of possibly being unable to find her. Thinking I lost her, yet again. Each step I heaved felt as if I was running further away from her and the life I knew we still wanted with every breath in our bodies. The only light coming from the full moon and hotel in the distance making it that much harder to see.
It seemed like a fucking eternity shredded by as I tore down the sandy beach, anxiously trying to find the other half of my heart who clawed away what was left of my soul. Since fate brought us together again, aware that we were only destinies I questioned, doubting her intentions for the first time when it came to me.
To us.
To everything.
Was this payback for leaving her in Cuba?
Was this her revenge?
Did she plan this all along?
To destroy me like I destroyed her?
Did bringing her back here not only mean letting go of her past and demons, including me?
I ran and ran, and ran some more. I wouldn’t stop until I found her. Checking lifeguard shacks, cabanas, the fucking pier. Searching the whole resort, turning up empty. She was a drifter in the night, a fucking ghost vanishing in the dark. I’d spend the rest of my life running, chasing, looking for her if that’s what it took to make her mine again. To prove to her she was my beginning and end. I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Not this time.
Not when I was this close.
When we were this close to putting an end to our fucking sorrow and our fucking sins, and everything else in between.
She. Was. Mine.
Love. Conquered. All.
End. Of. Story.
I pushed away every damn question and insecurity. Every afflicting fucking thought and concentrated on our love.
On her beautiful face.
On the memories of her body beneath mine.
On the future, I believed we still had.
Desperately scouring the beach until my heart finally fucking found her. Our connection like a rope, pulling me to her. She was sitting behind a large boulder in a secluded little area, miles down the beach. Hiding out of sight. No one could see her unless they had been devouring every crevice of this beach like I had. I halted beside the rock, keeling over at the waist, and rested my hands on my knees to hold myself up. Completely spent and winded, needing to catch my breath.
My thoughts.
My emotions.
Contemplating where to go from here. How to make things right when all I ever did was fuck them up. There was something about the way she was sitting on a large blanket, looking out at the water with her hair blowing in the light breeze. The sight of her literally took my breath away, locking up my chest and making it even harder to breathe. She was an angel luring me toward her light like she always had. I found myself completely mesmerized by the vision in my sight from a distance.
So consuming.
So blinding.
So fucking real.
I gravitated toward her, and as I got closer, I noticed she was crying. Breaking down all by herself, causing my heart to twist in my chest. My feet shuffling in the sand broke her trancelike state. She wiped away her tears with the back of her hands and cleared her throat, still staring out at the water.
“Muñeca, Jesus Christ… I want to hold you and fucking hurt you so bad right now. I’ve been looking everywhere for—” She put a hand up, stopping me. Breaking her silence.
“Did you bring me here on purpose, Damien?”
“Amira—”
“First Emilio’s wake, then my house, and now this place? What’s next, Mama Rosa’s?”
I grimaced, frowning. I couldn’t help it, even the mere mention of her name pained me in a similar way only Amira ever could.
“Are we going there tomorrow? Because I’ll tell you right now, I’m not going and you can’t make me.”
Thoughts of Rosarío came flooding back. I wanted to ask what happened to her? How she died? Did it occur fast or was it painful? Did she ever forgive me? Or did she die hating me for what I did… how I left her and Amira behind, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask any of those questions that constantly crossed my mind, and I started to think I’d never be able to.
“Amira, please…”
She immediately peered up and over at me, taking in my disheveled appearance. From the buttons on my shirt that didn’t line up, to my slacks that hung loosely on my waist due to no belt. Her eyes landed on my unruly hair draped down the sides of my exhausted, sweaty face. Blocking the view of my solemn, wary eyes that showed so much emotion. Her mouth parted and her eyes widened in realization of what I’d just been through trying to find her.
“Damien.” She shook her head and licked her lips. “I couldn’t sleep. There’s still so much we need to talk about, so much that hasn’t been said between us, and my mind wouldn’t stop thinking, racking my brain with all the things I want to tell you. I gave up on sleep and came down to the beach to get some air. Didn’t you see my suitcase was still in the room? I only brought this bag down here.” She grabbed it, showing it to me. “To carry this big blanket, knowing I’d more than likely be down here for a while.”
I jerked back, not expecting what she confessed. “Why didn’t you wake me up? I could have helped you, we could have talked. Instead, I’ve been running around like a goddamn lunatic fucking scaring people, demanding to know where you went. And what the hell do you mean, ‘Did I bring you here on purpose?’”
“I thought… I mean… fuck… you didn’t do this on purpose? You really don’t remember where we are, do you?”
I took a look around even though I felt like I had already scoured every inch of this beach.
“Look up, Damien. Look at the night’s sky.”
I did, finding the constellations almost immediately.
“Tell me what you see, or do you need me to tell you the story of us again?”
The memory of the night of her fifteenth birthday played out in front of my eyes as if it was happening right now.
“That’s Princess Andromeda and that’s her husband, Perseus. Do you see how they unite in the middle? You can’t tell where one star ends and the other begins, kind of like they’re holding hands.”
I nodded, waiting to see where she was going with this.
“After consulting an oracle, the King and Queen chained Princess Andromeda to a rock, in order to be sacrificed to the monster.”
I grinned and she did too.
“But the hero, Perseus, was nearby and heard of the imminent death of Andromeda. He came to her rescue and saved her from the monster. She returned to Greece and they got married, having nine kids. After Princess Andromeda died, the Goddess of love, Athena, placed her in the sky as a constellation, nearby her beloved husband Perseus. They were two soul mates who were destined to be together forever, so she made them constellations so they would be.”
“I thought this was just another stop you’d planned. Wanting me to leave behind the night you tried to send me away.”
“That wasn’t what I was doing and you fucking know it,” I sternly stated. “Besides, why would you think—”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged, shifting her position on the blanket. Tucking her legs under her. “It’s just another thing you want me to forgive you for.”
“I wasn’t aware that you hadn’t already, considering what happened after.”
“Which part? The one where I kissed you later that night, or are you referring to the next morning when you treated me like shit? Reminding me you didn’t love me, and that I should be thanking you for teaching me my first real lesson in men. Embarrassing me because I was just a little girl who didn’t understand lust over love like all your other whores did.” Her voice remained sturdy and strong, though the tormented expression on her face gave away her pain. “Or are you talking about how you completely pushed me away after? How you stopped coming to see me, talking to me, shutting me out in every aspect of your life? Through your heartless words and thoughtless actions, fucking your girlfriend—who later became your wife—in front of me!”
I didn’t respond, crossing my arms over my chest and working my hands into fists. Willing myself to stay put with my feet in the sand, and not go to her. Listening intently to all the allegations I knew she still had to spew. Purging it from her soul, ripping it from her heart, forcing it out of her body into mine.
She sharply stood, getting right in my face. Poking her finger to my chest. “How about fucking me over, Damien?! Telling me you loved me for the first time and then making love to me all night, just to leave me the next morning!” She shoved me, and I didn’t waver. Pissing her off even more. “The night right under these very stars”—she pointed up—“was the last good memory I had of you for four fucking years! Then you show up out of nowhere on my birthday to break my heart all over again.”
Tears began to flow down her beautiful face. Her hands swiftly at her sides in fists ready to take a swing at me. Scornfully eyeing me up and down. “I hate my fucking birthday! I haven’t celebrated it in thirteen years. Do you have any idea what it was like without you in my life all that time? You took away the only family I had, other than Mama Rosa! You selfish fucking bastard!”
Stepping toward me, she took a swing at my face. I ducked, grabbing her around her waist, turning her back to my chest, and subduing her flailing arms. “Why would you do that to me? Knowing you were leaving for good. How could you do that to me? How could you hurt me like that when you had already hurt me enough?”
Her legs were throwing back sand as she struggled to break free. Kicking in every direction, putting up one hell of a fight against my strong hold. Her words ripping into me like blades of a knife. Twisting the dagger right in my fucked-up heart. “Did you want to break me entirely!? Ruin me for every other man who ever tried to get close to me! Like Roman!”
I winced, her admitting there was more to
them than just friendship felt like it shattered every bone in my body. I released her, stumbling back in the sand from her verbal blow. She didn’t waver coming at me with shove after shove.
“You want me to forgive you, but it’s so hard to do that. You left me… You left me behind when I loved you so much, and you just left me… like I meant nothing to you!” she seethed with tears rapidly falling from her eyes, not bothering to wipe them away. Not even hiding them, wanting me to witness, to feel her devastation and her pain brought on only by me.
The man who loved her.
THIRTY-TWO
DAMIEN
“I hate that you made me feel so alone for so many years! I hate that I fucking missed you every single day that you weren’t with me!” She weakly swung, not giving up on her assault. I caught her wrist mid-air, grabbing her other hand as she tried again. “I hate that I felt like I was dying, that I still feel like I’m dying when I’m with you! But mostly I hate that I still loved you! That I still love you after everything, everything you ever put me through! How fucked up is that? You took away my life, Damien! And I’m not talking about my family, I’m talking about YOU!”
“Muñeca—”
“I hate that I can’t stop loving you, dreaming about you, wanting a future with you, when you’ve done nothing to deserve it! When you don’t deserve me! I’ve tried with everything inside of me to leave you behind like you did with me, but I can’t do it! And I hate myself for that! You make me feel weak and powerless and so fucking miserable, but I just can’t walk away from you! I just can’t forget you, and I can’t even lie and tell you it’s what I want because the mere thought of fucking losing you again makes me… Want. To. Die. I can’t live without you, and I know I never will!”
She tried to yank her wrists out of my tight grasps and we spent the next few minutes thrashing around, both of us trying to gain control over the other until I just wanted this power struggle to be over.
“Amira, stop! Look at me! Just fucking look at me!”
She firmly shut her eyes, rigidly twisting her face and body. Whipping all around.