Fear and Aggression

by Dane Bagley

Roloff sat in his easy chair with a book. He looked as relaxed and content as possible. In truth, though, he was longing for Aspiria to return. Caryell had gone to his room, and was taking a nap. It had been a busy few days, and Roloff was anxious to relax and unwind with Aspiria. He wanted to take her on a walk, and enjoy her company and conversation. They had both been out and walking that day, and he knew that she may come home too tired for a walk. That was why he was reading. If Aspiria was tired, then she might at least sit next to him, while he read. Then he could put the book down, and talk with her. If she came home with energy, then he could easily suggest that they go on a walk.

  The book was not engaging him, and his mind frequently wandered. A portrait of Aspiria kept catching his eye. She was always beautiful, but in this portrait, her beauty had been captured to perfection. Aspiria had the unique quality of being both an early and late bloomer. She was pretty and attractive as a young girl—the prettiest of all the young girls her age—but, she had grown more beautiful over time. Roloff believed that this was a fact, and not merely the opinion of the man who loved her then, and loved her even more now. In addition to her physical beauty, she had a grace and a way that she carried herself that seemed to grow in charm as the years went by. She was as a dark red rose that was beautiful and perfect before it opened. Then, as it opened, its beauty and features continued to unfold and increase. Aspiria charmed everyone she met, man, woman, and child. Her beauty was not merely his opinion, it was apparent to him, and to everyone she knew.

  Aspiria had grown up poor, but not excessively so. Her father was hard-working, and her mother was a charmer, also. They farmed, and Aspiria was comfortable working on it. Aspiria was the youngest of four children, the older three being boys. The boys were hard-working and good students. Each of them left the country as they completed their schooling, and went to the city. They were successful in their careers, and would occasionally send some money their parents’ way. But Aspiria did not have much in the way of fancy clothing, or entertainment. She, however, never considered herself unfortunate. Roloff had known her oldest brother from school. They were not close friends, but were good acquaintances. Aspiria had not caught his eye when he was in school—she was too young—but later he would see her occasionally in town, and she began to attract his attention. When he became aware of some of her families struggles, he offered to help. The youngest boy was getting set to leave home, and Aspiria, with her mother and father alone, would struggle to keep up with the farm.

  Roloff had good opportunities, but saw to it that he could help her family on the farm. It was likely that he would have done this anyway, even if a beautiful young woman would not have been there. But it didn’t hurt his urgency and motivation. He spent hours each week on the farm, earning a meager wage. He often ate dinner with Aspiria and her parents. There was not much time for flirting and courting during the work, but their love for each other grew and grew. Almost in unison, both of Aspiria’s parents’ health began to fade. Aspiria took to more and more nursing and Roloff took on more of the farming duties. His other occupations were suffering, and it was too much work for one man alone.

  Aspiria, one day, came out to where he was working. She brought him a fruit drink, and they sat down to talk. She told him how much all that he did for her family meant to her. She knew that he was suffering in his other endeavors. She clearly did not have a plan for herself, or her parents, but she loved Roloff, and wanted the best for him. She told him that she did not know how they would continue to pay him. Aspiria was beginning to take over her parent’s finances, and was only recently aware of the meager salary that Roloff was receiving.

  Roloff inquired about her parent’s condition. Aspiria began to talk, and as she did, she shed a few tears, though her emotions were never completely unchecked. Roloff gently brought his hand to her cheek and wiped away a tear. He had never touched Aspiria before. Aspiria was conscious of this, and was briefly taken aback. Roloff noticed that this had affected her. His love for her burned within him. He reached down to hold her hand, which she made available to him. They held hands, and she talked. They looked at each other, as only those who are deeply in love with each other do. Roloff asked if he could take her on a walk that evening, after her parents had retired. Aspiria was slightly taken back again, and hesitated, not knowing how to respond. Yet her love and confidence grew as she looked into Roloff’s eyes. She felt safe, loved, and protected by him. He told her that he would not have dinner with her this evening, but that he would return at 7:30 to take her on a walk.

  Aspiria had been accustomed to attention by young men. Whether at church, community socials, dances, or just on visits into town, she had been shown interest by nearly all the young men in town. She was only kept from more social activity by the labors of her family farm. She was neither awkward nor uncomfortable in the company of the young men. But with Roloff, it was not the flirtation of a young man. She felt a deep love from him, and she shared that love in return. Until this afternoon, it had been left unexpressed. But touching her cheek, and hands, and asking her on an evening walk, brought her feelings to the surface. She had a number of duties to perform that evening, but she also wanted to look her best. She fretted, perhaps for the first time, about what her wardrobe held. Roloff had seen her in most of her outfits either at the farm, or at church. She settled on a simple pretty blue dress that she could also wear appropriate shoes for walking. She spent some time on her hair, and put in a beautiful blue flower.

  Roloff showed up promptly at the door. He carried a bouquet of red flowers. He too, had spent some time on his appearance. As she presented herself, she could tell that he approved, thoroughly approved. It was Roloff now that was taken aback by the impression her beauty made on him. She asked him in, and explained that she had a few things left to attend to for her parents. They really were not well, and she was concerned about leaving them for the evening, but she did not share this with Roloff. He sat down, and then got up and wandered around. He had been in the home nearly every day for months, and had become accustomed to eating dinner here regularly. But, somehow, he felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, waiting for her for this date; his first date with Aspiria.

  She returned within ten minutes, and smiled that she was ready. Again, he was taken aback, and felt that he was looking at the most beautiful woman in the world. They walked, at first side by side without holding hands. The conversation was more choppy and awkward than it had ever been between the two of them. They both settled momentarily and Roloff took Aspiria’s hand. She was no longer uncomfortable with his touch. They walked in the direction of a small hill, not far from Aspiria’s farm. The top provided a nice look out, with a beautiful view of the city in the distance. Roloff sometimes came here on his own, when he wanted time to ponder, and was looking for inspiration. As they reached the top, Roloff was relieved that they were alone. Dusk had begun, but they could still see the city, with a gorgeous sunset on the horizon. Roloff told Aspiria of some of his adventures in the city. Aspiria laughed. She had a beautiful laugh. Had he ever heard her laugh before? He longed for something to say to evoke more laughter, but it wouldn’t come. Still, she was smiling, and he was melting inside. They had not stopped holding hands. Roloff reached for her other hand and she gave it to him. The breeze blew softly, and her long, dark brown hair moved gently in the breeze.

  “I love you, Aspiria,” was all he said. Neither he, nor she said anything for quite some time. The sun was setting, and the breeze brought a slight chill to the air. Roloff put his arm around her shoulder, and brought Aspiria in. They looked at the sunset, and the fading image of the city off in the distance.

  “I should be very happy, if you would marry me, Aspiria. I would be happy to live with you and your parents and take care of the farm.” Roloff had no thought of taking her from her parents in this time of need.

  Aspiria let the words
distill upon her. She did not feel any inclination to utter her thoughts verbally. She had accepted his offer in her heart, and that was all that mattered to her. She felt close to Roloff, physically, emotionally and spiritually. She had no plan when she had gone to him this afternoon on the farm. Yet, somehow, everything at this moment felt like it was according to plan. It felt right, and she felt joy swelling within her. She did not utter any words, but leaned her head back on his shoulder. She began to dream of their life together, and of the family that they would raise. It was nearly completely dark. Stars had begun to make their entrance on the clear night sky. Both sets of eyes moved slowly from the horizon to the star sprinkled sky.

  “You shall be the perfect father, Roloff,” she said sweetly, and dreamily. She looked at him, and smiled more prettily than ever before. Roloff smiled too.

  “Then we are to be married, Aspiria?”

  Once again, she did not answer immediately. She had forgotten that she had not yet answered him. But she peered into his loving eyes, with her loving eyes. “Yes, we are my love!”

  Roloff leaned in and gave her a soft, gentle kiss. They held each other and watched the stars. A shooting star came across the sky. They looked at each other as if to ask if the other had seen it, but instead kissed again. It was dark, and a little brisk. They held hands and walked back towards Aspiria’s farm.

  Roloff’s book had become an afterthought as he lingered on this sweet memory. Aspiria walked in the door. She was even more beautiful now than she was then.

  “Ah, dear, how are you?”

  “I am well,” Aspiria said as she walked over to the couch and sat beside Roloff. She leaned up close and laid her head on his shoulder, as they held hands instinctively.

  “Are you tired?”

  “No, I’ve walked a bit today. I’m ready to get off my feet for a few minutes. Is Caryell home?”

  “Yes, he’s in his room. Several of the boys are getting together tonight. I’m okay with him going.” Aspiria listen and nodded mechanically. “I’ve been thinking about you this afternoon. I’m looking forward to spending the evening with you. If you are feeling up to it, I would like to go on a walk with you.”

  “In a little while, perhaps when Caryell goes out.”

  “It’s quite a walk from here, but I was hoping to go to the hill by the farm where you grew up.”

  “You really are feeling romantic tonight.”

  “Ah, yes. I am madly in love with you!”

  “And I with you, Roloff.” They sat together in silence for a quarter of an hour. “I am going to see Caryell for a little while before he goes out.”

  As Aspiria left the room, Roloff followed her with his eyes. She walked down the hall and entered Caryell’s room.

  “Hi, Caryell.”

  “Hi, Mother,” Caryell beamed, clearly excited to see her.

  “I hear you are going out tonight.”

  “Yes, we are all going to Sten Field. There should be enough boys to play some sports.” Caryell was reasonably athletic, and loved sports. “What are you and Father doing tonight?”

  “We are going on a long walk. I’m sure that we will not be home until after dark. Will you be alright if you get home before us?”

  “Yes,” he said with a smile. “We are going to stay out late, and play in the forest after dark. I might not beat you home. Is that okay?”

  “You are quite grown up now, aren’t you?” Caryell smiled. He felt grown up when he was with his father. When he was with his mother, he still felt like a little boy. He loved his mother deeply. She made him feel secure and at peace. “I want to share a scripture with you.”

  Caryell pulled his copy of the scriptures from a book shelf above his bed. He loved it when his mother did that, and she did it frequently. He loved the spirit that he felt when his mother shared a scripture and spoke to him about her feelings. His father also talked about the scriptures with him, and taught him much, but it was from these times with his mother that he felt this feeling inside. Caryell was very comfortable with his spiritual sensibilities.

  After talking for several minutes, Aspiria kissed her son on the forehead. He was growing into the young man that she hoped that he would be. She left the room, and began to prepare dinner for the family.