by Adele Faber
“And once again, a onetime lecture won’t do the job. Kids need to hear your thoughts about drugs in different ways and at different times. They need to feel comfortable enough to ask you questions, to answer your questions, and to explore their own thoughts and feelings.
“So … on to our final challenge! How can we take advantage of a small opportunity that might present itself in the course of a day to engage our children in a dialogue about drugs? What kinds of conversations can we imagine having with our teenagers?”
After much back and forth, the group envisioned the following scenarios.
Take Advantage of Small Opportunities to Talk About Drugs
Reading a Newspaper
Watching a Commercial
Commenting on Something You Notice
Looking at a Magazine
Setting an Example
Commenting on a Radio Program
As we were discussing our last example, Laura’s hand shot up. “So far all we’ve been talking about is how to steer our kids away from using drugs. But what if a kid is already using stuff? I mean, what if it’s too late?”
“It’s never too late to exercise your power as a parent,” I said. “Even if it’s a onetime only ‘experiment,’ it can’t be ignored. You need to confront your teenager, review the risks, and reaffirm your values and expectations.
“If, however, you suspect that your teenager is already using drugs with some frequency, if you notice changes in behavior, grades, appearance, attitude, friends, sleeping patterns, or eating habits, then it’s time to take action: Let your child know what you’ve observed. Listen to his or her side of the story. Learn whatever you can about what’s really going on. Call a local or national drug abuse program for additional information. Consult with your doctor. Investigate whatever services are available in your community that can offer professional counseling and treatment. In other words, get help. You can’t do it alone.”
“I hope I never have to do it at all.” Laura sighed. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and my kids will turn out just great.”
“You have more than luck to depend upon, Laura,” I said. “You’ve got skills. And even more important, you understand the attitude that gives heart to the skills. All of you do. Over these past few months you’ve made many changes in the way you communicate with your children. And all of these changes—both large and small—can make a profound difference in your relationship with them.
“By being responsive to your teenagers’ feelings, by working out problems together, by encouraging them to reach for their goals and realize their dreams, you let your kids know every day how much you respect and love and value them. And young people who feel valued by their parents are more likely to value themselves, more likely to make responsible choices, less likely to get involved in behavior that would work against their own best interests or jeopardize their future.”
Silence. It had been a long session, yet everyone seemed reluctant to leave.
“I’m going to miss these classes.” Laura sighed. “Not just for the skills but for all the support I’ve gotten from everyone here.” Her eyes welled up. “And I’m going to miss hearing about everybody’s kids.”
Karen hugged her. Michael did too.
“What I’ll miss most,” Joan said, “is knowing I have people I can talk to if a problem comes up.”
“And as we all well know,” Jim commented ruefully, “with teenagers there are always going to be new problems. That’s why it’s been great to have a place to go where you can get some feedback from people who are in the same boat.”
“Hey,” Tony said, “who says we have to quit? How about we keep on meeting—not every week maybe, but like every month or two?”
Tony’s suggestion was met with an immediate, enthusiastic response.
Everyone looked at me expectantly.
I thought for a moment. What these parents wished for themselves was what I wished for all parents of teenagers—an ongoing support system. The relief of no longer feeling isolated. The comfort of being able to unburden yourself to people you know will understand. The hope that springs from exchanging ideas and seeing new possibilities. The pleasure of sharing small triumphs with one another.
“If that’s what you all want,” I said to the group, “keep me posted. I’ll be there.”
a quick reminder
Sex and Drugs
Instead of One Big Lecture (“I know you think you know all about sex and drugs, but I think it’s time we had a talk”)
LOOK FOR SMALL OPPORTUNITIES TO GET A CONVERSATION GOING
Listening to the radio: “Do you think what that psychologist said just now is right? Do kids have a hard time refusing drugs because they don’t want to look geeky or lose friends?”
Watching television: “So, according to this commercial, all a girl has to do to get a guy interested in her is wear the right color lip gloss.”
Reading a magazine: “What do you think of this? It says here, ‘Sometimes kids take drugs just to feel good. But then they have to use drugs—just to feel normal.’”
Watching a movie: “Did that last scene seem realistic? Would two teenagers who just met jump into bed together?”
Reading a newspaper: “When you have time, take a look at this article about teens and binge-drinking. I’d be interested in your reaction.”
Listening to music: “How do you feel about these lyrics? Do you think they could affect the way guys treat girls?”
Next Time We Meet …
In the days that followed I found my thoughts returning to the group again and again.
We had been on a long journey together. Different people had started out with different hopes, different fears, and different destinations in mind. Yet no matter what their original reasons for coming to the workshop meetings, they all had the satisfaction of seeing not only that their new skills improved their relationships with their teenagers, but that their teenagers were behaving more responsibly. Accomplishments we could all feel good about!
Still, I was glad we’d be meeting again. It would give me a chance to share with the parents what had been welling up within me with increasing clarity—the larger view of what our work together had been about.
Next time I’ll tell them that if it is indeed true that “children learn what they live,” then what their children had been living and learning over these past few months were the most basic principles of caring communication. Every day, in the push and pull of family life, their teenagers were learning that:
Feelings matter. Not just your own, but those of people with whom you disagree.
Civility matters. Anger can be expressed without insult.
Words matter. What you choose to say can cause resentment or generate goodwill.
Punishment has no place in a caring relationship. We’re all people in process—capable of making mistakes and capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
Our differences needn’t defeat us. Problems that seem insoluble can yield to respectful listening, creativity, and persistence.
We all need to feel valued. Not only for who we are now, but for who we can become.
Next time we meet, I’ll tell the parents that each day offers new opportunities. Each day gives them a chance to demonstrate the attitude and language that can serve their teenagers in the present moment and in all the years ahead.
Our children are our gift to tomorrow. What they experience in our homes today will empower them to bring to the world they inherit the ways that affirm the dignity and humanity of all people.
That’s what I’ll tell the parents—next time.
Additional Reading That May Be Helpful
Elkind, David, PhD. Parenting Your Teenager in the 1990s: Practical Information and Advice About Adolescent Development and Contemporary Issues. Cambridge, MA: Modern Learning Press, 1993. Dr. Elkind addresses many of the issues that continue to confront parents of teenagers a decade later. He offers insights and advice in a supportive, readable
manner.
Faber, Adele, and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, revised edition. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. Recommended for two reasons:
1. The chapter on autonomy—how to help a child become a separate, independent individual who can one day function on his own—is especially relevant during the teen years.
2. The chapter on how to free a child from being trapped in a role (for example, lazy, complainer, princess, disorganized) applies to teenagers as well. It’s never too late to help a young person see himself differently and realize his potential.
Faber, Adele. How to Talk So Kids Can Learn: At Home and in School. New York: Rawson Associates, 1995. Describes the kind of communication that motivates students to think, learn, persist, and believe in themselves.
Giannetti, Charlene, and Margaret Sagarese. The Roller-Coaster Years: Raising Your Child Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School Years. New York: Broadway Books, 1997. A lively, practical book that deals with the wide range of issues affecting most middle-schoolers and their parents.
Hersch, Patricia. A Tribe Apart: A Journey into the Heart of American Adolescence. New York: Ballantine Books, 1998. A gifted journalist takes you deep inside the world of eight very different teenagers and reveals the passions and pressures that shape their personality and character during their adolescent years.
Lopez, Ralph, MD. The Teen Health Book: A Parents’ Guide to Adolescent Health and Well-being. New York: W. W. Norton & Co., 2002. An excellent resource. Written in a clear and friendly style, it addresses both the physical and emotional concerns of teenagers.
McGraw, Jay. Closing the Gap: A Strategy for Bringing Parents and Teens Together. New York: Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 2001. Advice to both parents and teens from the personal perspective of a young college student.
Pipher, Mary, PhD. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Lives of Adolescent Girls. New York: Ballantine Books, 1995. A look at the harm done to our daughters by the current culture, along with sensible strategies for how to help them.
Pollack, William, PhD. Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. New York: Owl Books, Henry Holt and Company, 1999. A logical companion to Reviving Ophelia, Real Boys makes clear how our gender stereotypes harm our sons and offers a wealth of caring alternatives.
Richardson, Justin, MD, and Schuster, Mark A., MD, PhD. Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask): The Secrets to Surviving Your Child’s Sexual Development from Birth to the Teens. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003. The title says it all. Sound, sensible advice on dealing with a tough topic.
Sheras, Peter, PhD, with Sherill Tippins. Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understanding and Ending Schoolyard Tyranny. New York: Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 2002. A thoughtful exploration of the causes and effects of bullying and suggestions for how to deal with it.
Taffel, Dr. Ron, with Melinda Blau. The Second Family: Reckoning with Adolescent Power. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2001. Dr. Taffel takes an unflinching look at how peers and the current pop culture can push parents to the sidelines of their teenagers’ lives. He recommends a variety of ways to renew and strengthen the connection between the generations.
Walsh, David, PhD. Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen. New York: Free Press, 2004. Dr. Walsh draws upon the latest research about the adolescent brain as well as his own extensive experience with troubled teens to give parents valuable insights, information, and guidelines.
To Learn More …
If you are interested in having a chance to discuss and practice the communication skills in this book with others, please visit www.fabermazlish.com. There you’ll find information about:
Group workshops for parents and professionals
Individual workshops
Books for parents and professionals
Books for kids
Audio- and videotapes
Creative solutions to parenting problems
Adele and Elaine’s newsletter, the Faber/Mazlish Forum
And much more!
Or you may request a brochure by sending a self-addressed, stamped business envelope to:
Faber/Mazlish Workshops, LLC
PO Box 64
Albertson, NY 10507
Index
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.
abstinence, sexual, 178
acceptance
concerns about individuality and, 5
of friends, 133
need for, xvii, 4, 7
accusing, 37, 45, 143
describing feelings versus, 150–51, 163
acting out, 7
advice, unsolicited, 9–11, 31
criticism and, 14
insecurities and, 28
alcohol use, 120, 122, 180–81
objections to, in writing, 62–63
opportunities for talking about, 183, 185
permissiveness about, 7
problem-solving about, 102–6
amends, making, 74, 78, 81, 83, 90
anger, expressing, 141–51, 191
apologies, 26
see also amends, making
appearance
compliments on, 119
insecurities about, 28, 119
judging others by, 122
appreciation, expressing, 160–61, 164
arguments, 36–37
attention, focusing, 50
back talk, xiv, 145
alternatives to punishment for, 90
bad influences, xiv, 7
and punishment for getting in trouble, 71
techniques for defusing, 27
binge drinking, 181
blaming, 37, 45, 120, 163
body piercing, 60–61
brainstorming, 99, 104, 113
bullying, 121
online, 23, 24
choices, offering, 48, 65, 74, 78, 90
chores
cooperation on, 58–59
resentment of, 9, 21
cigarette smoking, see smoking
cliques, xiv, xvii
cruelty of, 23, 24
clothes
feelings about, 25–26
judging others by, 122
problem-solving about, 107
college, doubts about, 9, 21
comparisons, 39
compliance, sullen, 47
compliments, 154
computer use, see Internet
concerts, attending, 10, 21
problem-solving about, 109–10
confidence
lack of, 6, 28
loss of, xvi
conflict avoidance, 18
cooperation, engaging, 34–65
techniques for, 41–56
using communication skills, 58–65
criticism, 6, 14, 40, 120
by friends, of each other, 130
of judgment, 9–10
by parents, of teenagers’ friends, 121
substituting humor for, 54
tuning out, 51
curfews, xiv, 121
lack of, 6
missing, problem-solving about, 113
cursing, 24–25
cyber bullying, 24
date rape, 8, 182, 184
defensiveness, 45
defiance, 47
demeaning language, 37, 43
among friends, 134
descriptions
of feelings, 44, 65, 150–51
praising with, 155–60
of problems, 42, 65
differences, 140–41, 191
irritation about, 141–51
problem-solving about, 151–53
disapproval, sensitivity to, 53
discipline, punishment versus, 71–72
dismissiveness, 9–10, 12, 14
teenagers’ feelings about, 118
&n
bsp; toward friends’ feelings, 132, 134
do’s and don’ts, 34–37
drinking, see alcohol use
drug use, xiv, 9, 21, 121, 122, 179–88
alternatives to punishment for, 83–86
opportunities for talking about, 183–85, 188
peer pressure for, 85, 119
permissiveness about, 7
taking action about, 186
eating disorders, 110–12
e-mail, xiv, 121
bullying via, 23, 24
empathy, 5, 19
toward friends, 131
evaluation, praising with, 155–60
expectations, stating, 52, 65, 73, 77, 90, 163
explanations, 16
fantasy, giving in, 17, 29, 137
by friends, 135, 138
feelings, 1–31, 191
acknowledging, 9–22, 31
communicating with friends about, 127–38, 132
describing, 44, 65, 150–51, 163
dismissing, 9–10, 12, 14, 132
of loss, xvi
negative, 141–48
stating, 73, 77, 90, 144, 146
using communication skills, 23–30
fighting, 122
friends, 121
communicating with, 123–24, 126–38
conflicts between, 122
criticism by parents of, 121
fear of losing, 119
see also bad influences; peer pressure
gay teenagers, 177–78
grounding, xiv, 68, 69, 84
for alcohol use, 180
resentment of, 80
sneaking out after, 26