“If you make me come out in this crap to pull you out of a ditch, I’m gonna kick your ass.” I shook my finger at him. “Brittany Fisher isn’t worth that.”
“Maybe not, but Hailey is, and you let her drive home alone. Good thing she lives in town, huh? Lots places to walk to if she needs something.” He narrowed his eyes on me before leaving and slamming the door behind him.
“What the hell was that all about?” Dad set his fork down and stared at me.
“I don’t know,” I huffed as I pushed the potatoes I’d been pretending to eat around my plate.
What did he want from me? The roads were clear when she left, and I wasn’t her boyfriend. It wasn’t my responsibility to look after her, yet as the evening went on a knot began to form in my gut. Was she ok? Did she have power? Should I go check on her? I shook my head to clear it. Why did I care so much? It wasn’t my place to worry.
Chapter 16
Hailey
It was the week before Christmas, and I was helping Mama get ready for her Christmas party. My parents hosted these get togethers years ago, but hadn’t done one since I was really little. I think I was seven the last time. We’ve had a good amount of snowfall over the last week, so Mr. Stanton brought one of his tractors over to plow out our driveway, and an area for cars to park in. I think Mama said about thirty people were coming.
Max hasn’t been back for a week now. Right after the last storm, he went back to his office. We’ve spoken a few times, but it’s almost like when we were in college and too busy for each other.
The baby has been doing well. I haven’t had any issues other than feeling like I’m gonna pop. I have trouble moving around, and I can’t see my feet anymore. Sleeping is difficult, and I don’t even want to think about what my legs look like. I haven’t been able to shave them in a while. Mama keeps laughing at me, and telling me to just wait. She says that it’s only gonna get worse as I get bigger. I still have almost three months to go. I don’t know how much bigger I can get before I pop.
Jared’s mom has been coming over to my place to help. I think she feels a little lost. Jared was like me, an only child. I want my in-laws, if I can even call them that, to be involved in my baby’s life. I’m just having a little trouble figuring out how that all works. They try to offer help when they can, but between my parents and the Stantons, I have more help than I need.
“Hey, Mama!” I called from where I was twisting green garland down the banister in the living room. I’d brought some over from the stand, and all I needed to do was tack the bows on. “Where do you want this?” I curled my lip at the mistletoe in my hand. Nothing good ever came from it.
Mama came around the corner and smiled at me. “How about here?” She pointed above her head to the archway that separated the kitchen from the family room.
“You sure? That’s a spot where a lot of people will be stopping to get food.” I scowled.
“I know.” She nodded as her smile spread further.
I shook my head at her as I made my way over to where she was pointing, and carefully reached above me. I tacked the small sprig in place before gathering the bows from the table, and tying them in place. The room was finished with the exception of lighting a few candles when people started to arrive.
“Thanks for letting me stay tonight,” I called out as I made my way upstairs. “I may need to disappear if I get too tired…with the baby and all,” I added. She didn’t need to know that I wanted to avoid all the pity looks and apologies that were sure to come. I was already dealing with the fact that I was spending the holidays without my husband. I didn’t need people constantly reminding me.
ooooooooo
Max
It’s been a crazy week. This new company that I’m working with has pretty much taken up all my time. I’ve had to work at night in my hotel room to keep up with my other clients. The nice Christmas bonus I got for landing them is the only reason I’m still putting up with all their demands.
This weekend is all about family though. I shouldn’t have to go back to the office until after the holidays. It’ll be tax season, and I will be putting in the hours for sure. Tonight is the Sullivans’ annual holiday party, and my first chance to see Hailey since I left. We’ve had a few phone calls, but nothing much. She’s been kinda distant lately. I’m sure it’s my fault. I’ve been sending her mixed signals. I don’t really want to be that way, but when I let my guard down, I tend to do things that I shouldn’t be doing. Things like let her nap on my lap, or hug me too tight. Part of me wants to tell her that I want more than friendship, but the other part knows that she already has enough going on in her life and I don’t need to add to it.
I think I’ve always been in love with her. Maybe since we were about five or six. It was a different kind of love back then. Now, it’s the kind that can hurt you. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of… rejection, or maybe it’s the fact that if I make my move and she does reject me it’ll change everything between us. We would never be the same, and I’d never forgive myself for taking that friendship away.
ooooooooo
I spent most of my drive here telling myself that I could hide my feelings tonight. Seeing Hailey in a pretty holiday dress wasn’t going to make my lips get loose. I wouldn’t send her mixed signals. I’d be the friend I was when we’d go to these parties as kids.
I climbed out of my truck, grabbing the bottle of wine I picked up on the way home in the process, and began the trek to the Sullivans’ front door. As I lifted my hand to knock, the door swung open.
“Oh hey, Max.” Charlie, Hailey’s dad, waved as he stepped around me. “I was just showing Kevin here the new tractor I bought. Wanna join us?” He motioned to his garage out back. It was a place I was all too familiar with. I’d rebuilt my ‘Cuda out there back in college.
“Thanks, but I want to get this inside. Maybe later.” I smiled as I stepped through the door, leaving the two of them out there chattering away.
It was warm and inviting inside the house. Ann had gone all out with making sure that every detail had been taken care of. A long table was set up in the dining area with platter after platter of finger foods. Bottles of wine, soda, and other beverages were on the counter along with glasses and a bucket of ice. Red candles were flickering in various places around the rooms, and the small crowd was broken up into groups as each person gave holiday greetings and talked about whatever gossip and news was going on in Dalton.
“Hey. You made it.” I knew who it was before I even turned around. Hailey’s sweet voice was burned into my brain.
“Yep. Just got back.” I chuckled as I turned around to see who I could only call an angel. She was standing there in a wine-colored velvet dress. It was draped over her body perfectly, and accentuating her curves in all the right places. I smiled as I took in how happy she looked. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” She glanced down and ran her hands over the soft fabric covering her now swollen stomach. “Would you like something to drink?” She motioned to where a small group was gathered in the kitchen.
“Yes, actually, but I’ll get it myself. You should be enjoying the party, not serving me.” I laughed lightly before turning to grab a glass of wine.
ooooooooo
It was a nice party, but I could tell as the night went on that Hailey was tired. She’d taken her shoes off hours before, and was wandering around barefoot. My father along with Charlie and Micah had been talking shop all night, and the women had been attempting to plan a baby shower for Hailey. She’d humored them for a little while, but rolled her eyes when Mama suggested that they have it in a few weeks.
“Do they not realize that this baby is mine, and I’m not due until March? We have plenty of time. I don’t want to think about all that right now. I just want to get through Christmas.” She pouted and I couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s not funny!” She stomped her foot as her mouth twisted.
“I’d say we could go back to the pond, but the weather isn’t
really agreeing with that right now.” I shrugged.
“I have a better idea. Come with me.” She waved as she slipped through the group of women and made her way to the stairs.
As she began to ascend them, I reached out to grab her arm. “What are you doing?”
“Getting some space. Come on.” She grinned at me as she moved faster up the stairs, disappearing from the crowd downstairs.
“Hails.” I sighed. This was not a good idea. It was clicking together now, and I knew exactly what she was doing. We used to always do this when we were younger and one of our families would have a get together.
As I reached the top of the stairs, I saw her back as she slipped through the bedroom door. When I followed, I found her sprawled on the bed against the wall. “Are you staying here tonight?” I looked around at the room. It was her room when she was kid, and it didn’t really look like much had changed.
“I’m staying here until the baby comes. Mama’s worried, and this gives her peace of mind,” she mumbled. I stood there stiff as a board, and feeling totally out of place. “You can come in and sit down, you know?”
“I know.” I took a deep breath and slowly let it out before moving to sit on the chair as far away from her as I could get.
“Are you uncomfortable being in here?” She rocked up to a sitting position. “We used to hang out in here all the time.” She pursed her lips.
“We’re not twelve anymore, Hails.” I rested my elbows on my knees and ran my fingers through my hair before tugging at the collar of my sweater. It suddenly seemed really hot in this house.
“I know,” her brow furrowed, “but we’re still friends.” She looked so confused and as she placed me securely in the friend zone once again, my heart sank a little further in my chest.
“Don’t worry about me.” I placed my mask of indifference on as I leaned back and watched her. “You look happy, Hails.”
“I am.” She grinned bigger if that was even possible. “I’ve been sitting on this news for a few days. I wanted to tell you in person.” She paused for a moment as she caressed her belly. “She’s a girl.”
“That’s awesome.” I stood up and moved closer to her so I could offer a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my side and trying to hold her as close as I could and not be creepy. She giggled, and I soon found out why. Her stomach was pressed against the side of my ribs, and her daughter was kicking me. “Is that?” I pulled back and looked down at her stomach.
“Yeah.” She giggled. I started feeling it a few weeks ago. I didn’t know what it was at first. She’s just getting strong enough that you can feel it on the outside now. “Pretty cool, huh?”
“Very cool. Maybe she’ll play football.” I laughed.
“Yeah, no.” She giggled again as she rubbed her belly. “She’s excited about something.”
“Maybe she likes my voice.” I chuckled as I leaned down close to her belly. “Is that it? Do you like listening to me talk to your Mama?”
Hailey laughed as she rubbed her stomach, and then the tears came. “It’s not supposed to be like this.” She sniffed.
“What? What’s wrong?” I turned toward her quickly.
“It’s not you.” She wiped at her eyes. “Jared’s supposed to be the one talking to my belly. He’s supposed to be here… to do all that dad stuff. How am I going to do all the dad things?”
“Any dad things you need done, you call me. I’ll do the dad things.” I moved to kneel in front of her, and clasped both of her hands in mine. “I’ll be whatever you need me to be, Hails. All you have to do is ask.”
“Thanks, but this week proved that that’s not always going to be possible. You’ve been gone more than you’ve been here.” She sighed.
“Yeah. I’m working on that.” I nodded. The truth was that all of the traveling back and forth was getting to me. Dad had asked me if I’d consider taking over the books, and running the business end of the farm. I never really wanted to in the past, but lately it hasn’t seemed like such a bad gig. The more I think about it, the better it looks and I’d be closer to Hailey. If she needed me, I could get to her in under ten minutes. I wouldn’t have to worry about being stuck two hours away.
“Really?” She smiled through the tears.
“Really.” I squeezed her hand before standing up and stretching.
As I started to yawn, so did Hailey. “Looks like we both need to call it a night.” She covered her mouth as another yawn tried to escape.
“I can take a hint.” I laughed as I stood to say goodbye. “I’ll be around through the holidays, but then tax season starts. Call me if you need anything.” I wagged my finger at her.
“I will. Thanks, Max.” She rose up on her tiptoes and hugged me around the neck. “I really appreciate everything you do. You’re a great friend.” As the words left her lips, she pressed them to my cheek. Now, I’ve kissed Hailey’s cheek a million times over the years, but she’s never instigated it. My body went stiff at first, but I willed it to relax. “Goodnight.” She loosened her arms and stepped back. “Merry Christmas in case I don’t see you before the weekend.”
“Same to you, but I will make sure you see me for Christmas. Night, Hailey.” I waved as I made my way out of her room, rushing down the stairs, and outside to take a deep breath of cold winter air. I understood the pain she was in because I was in pain too. She was mourning what was, and I was mourning what could have been.
Chapter 17
Hailey
Spring is here, sort of. The snow is gone, and the temps have been doing this yo-yo thing where one week it feels like spring, and the next it’s cold again. But let me say this again…the snow is gone! Can you hear the excitement there?
I’ve been counting down the days until my daughter is here, and I’ve been going back and forth between excited and scared. My Mama assures me that this is normal, and that I’m gonna make a great mom but I’m not so sure. I mean, I know the basic things like how to change a diaper, but what about things like going to the store? What do I do when I get home? Do I leave the baby in the car while I bring things in, or do I leave her in the house? I can’t carry her back and forth because then I’d only have one hand to carry all the other stuff. What do I do if I’m cooking something and she starts crying? Do I let her cry while I finish what I’m doing, or do I turn off the stove and go take care of her? I’m sure I’m overreacting, and it’ll all work out, but my brain doesn’t seem to believe it.
Max has told me on more than one occasion that he’ll help with whatever I need, but when I ask him these questions, he doesn’t have an answer either. You should have seen him when he came over after my shower last month.
“What’s this?” Max’s brow scrunched up as he set an armload of gifts down on my bed at my parents’ house. I couldn’t help but laugh. He looked adorable in all his confusion.
“It’s a breast pump,” I deadpanned as I moved some items so I could sit down.
“What do you need that for? Your breasts are big enough.” He scowled before turning a nice shade of red. The more the words sunk in, the more flustered he seemed to get. “I mean, they’re you know… fine.” He waved his hand in front of me as he attempted to look at anything but my face.
“What do you think this is for?” I was in disbelief. Did he really think they sold something that would pump up women’s breasts, and if they did, why would it be a shower gift?
“You know.” He scowled at my obvious enjoyment of his embarrassment.
“No, I don’t.” I rolled my eyes.
“Who gave you this?” He picked it up and examined the box.
“It’s for pumping milk, perv.” I smacked it out of his hand. “You put this on here.” I started to demonstrate, and that’s when he’d had enough.
“I’m going to get the rest of the boxes. I get the idea.” He waved behind himself as he rushed out of my room like his pants were on fire.
I laughed as I remembered how it took him two days after t
hat to talk to me again. Today was going to be a lowkey day. It was springtime. The stand was closed until berry season started, and I was just supposed to go over the orders, and pass them on to Max to balance the books.
That’s another big change. Max left his firm, and has been working full time with Micah for the last month. I think the commuting was getting to him, and he finally gave in. Corrine was happy to be off the hook, and Max said he felt better about being a partner to Micah. It gave him some peace of mind to know that his parents were doing ok, and the farm was still a success.
It only took Max a few weeks to get the books in order, and now he’s been working about half the hours he used to. He’s helped with some tractor repairs, and he’s come over to check on me. Things with us are about the same. It’s weird. There’s no good way to put it. There will be days when I see the light in his eyes that used to be there when we were kids, and then days where he acts like he doesn’t know me at all.
Jared’s parents haven’t been around much. They told me a while back that it was just too painful. I get it to some degree, but I also wonder how they could walk away when I’m carrying their grandchild. It’s the only piece of Jared that’s still living. I always thought that they would want to be involved as much as my parents do, but that’s not the case. I’m lucky if I get a phone call a month. Christmas was hard for them, and Carol, Jared’s mom, told me that seeing me made it harder to get over their grief. It hurt, but I get it. I’ve been fighting my own grief daily.
Pregnancy has definitely made it harder. There are days when the sadness almost drowns me, then there are days where I feel better, but guilt takes its place. I think those are the worst. I feel this terrible weight sitting on me and telling me that I need to feel bad because Jared isn’t here. Any time I smile at Max, I feel it. When I hug him, I feel it. When he does something to make me look at him and wonder if he’ll ever see me as more, makes me feel it. It pushes and drowns me.
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