“It was kind of cliché when I lost my virginity at our Junior prom in the back of his car. He was . . . sweet.”
I bit my lip as Zef’s hands tightened on the truck’s steering wheel and I could have kicked myself for that mistake. I’d called Zef ‘sweet’ and now I’d just gone and said it about Owen. The difference was that I’d been wrong about my ex-boyfriend; Owen being sweet was part of his act to get in my pants. I wasn’t wrong about Zef.
“So, he was away at baseball camp for most of the summer before Senior year but he’d changed when he came back; he was cocky and arrogant. I found out later that he’d cheated on me with several girls, but I didn’t know that until much later. He was being scouted by schools from Minnesota and Michigan so he had a good chance of getting a full ride. He was kind of full of himself, you know? He’d talk about us going to the same school, but I wasn’t really expecting it to work out. But my parents . . .” I paused, still feeling the bitterness curdle my stomach, “they thought he was so freakin’ wonderful. Mom kept telling me how lucky I was that a boy like him was interested in me. She was best friends with Owen’s mom since high school—they were always together. I think it was kind of Mom’s dream that Owen and I would get married one day.”
My throat was dry and I licked my lips. Zef noticed right away and pulled a bottle of water out of one of the shopping bags and passed it to me. He didn’t speak.
“Thank you,” I said quietly, taking a sip.
We sat in silence for several minutes and I wished he’d say something, anything, but he didn’t—he just stared out of the window waiting for me to finish. I wished I knew what he was thinking.
I took a deep breath and plunged on.
“One evening we went to this party. One of Owen’s friends was having a massive bonfire and a ton of people over. We only had six weeks until our graduation at the beginning of June so there was this feeling that everything was ending and everything was possible; scary but exciting. We had a few drinks then snuck into one of the bedrooms and . . . we had sex. But an hour later, Owen was flirting with this girl from school and I got so mad at him. He said something like he wasn’t going to be nagged by me and we weren’t married yet. It made me feel sick, like he’d do that in front of me and still thought we might get married one day?”
I shuddered.
“So I tossed my drink in his face and he really lost it. I even thought that he might hit me, so I ran out of the party. I didn’t have a ride and I was a little drunk and really upset. When I saw a car following me I got scared . . .”
I saw Zef’s knuckles turn white and his arm muscles trembled with tension. I hurried on, wishing I could stop talking, knowing that I couldn’t.
“But then I saw it was Owen’s dad, and I was so relieved. I’d always liked Liam. He was kind of good looking for an older guy and kept in shape—all the moms thought he was hot. And he was always really nice to me, he used to really listen when I talked about my plans for college and how I wanted to work in the media. And he was so great to me that night. When I told him what Owen had said, he pulled over to the side of the road and gave me this big hug and said everything would work out and that it would be okay. I just blurted everything out. I was so upset that Owen had cheated on me and was flirting with other girls in front of me. Then Liam got really mad about that, and I liked it. I liked that he’d stand up for me against his own son, because he said that what Owen had done was wrong. That’s what he said. He said . . . he said . . . that any man would be a fool to cheat on me, and that I was really smart and pretty. When he kissed me, I liked it. I wanted him to kiss me.”
I looked out of the window, unseeing what was in front of me, only the ribbons of memory from the car crash that night became.
“He was comforting me, and we started kissing, and I wasn’t really thinking, just that it would serve Owen right. I hadn’t meant it to go that far, but I didn’t try to stop him either. The first time we slept together was that night in the back of his sheriff’s car. I don’t even remember that much about it, but he made me feel like a woman and not a dumb high school kid whose boyfriend didn’t care enough to be faithful. Even when he was . . . on me . . . I kind of felt bad about it, too, because even though I’d never liked his wife, Tilly, she was Mom’s best friend. But it was addicting, the danger, the risk, knowing that it would be a shitstorm if we were caught. We did it a few more times when Tilly and Owen were out. We did it in Owen’s bed once and even though I knew that was weird, it was like a giant fuck you for everything that he’d done to me, so I didn’t care.”
I shot Zef a quick look, but his face was blank.
“Owen started coming around to my house saying he was sorry and wanting to get back with me, but I wasn’t interested. Mom kept pushing me to take him back and she couldn’t understand why I kept saying no, and she got so mad at me. But I was still seeing Liam . . . and then . . . and then I realized that I’d missed a period. I thought it was just from the stress. It didn’t really occur to me that I could be pregnant. But I took a test anyway, thinking nothing of it. And then . . . I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t. I’d been careful—I’d been on the pill and I never missed a day, never forgot to take it, so how could I be pregnant? I was so scared. I knew I’d have to tell Liam, but then I started thinking maybe the baby was Owen’s . . . so that’s why I don’t know who’s my baby’s father.”
I raised my eyes to his, afraid of what I’d see on Zef’s face.
“Do you hate me?”
Zef
It took me a few seconds to take in her question. My whole body was shaking so hard, I felt like I could tear off the steering wheel and toss it through the windshield.
I tried to control my temper, but it was rearing up inside me like a dark demon.
“Let me get this straight, Sara,” I said carefully, my voice cold and controlled as the anger bubbled in the pit of my stomach. “This older guy, this Liam, your boyfriend’s father, the goddamn Sheriff, takes a seventeen year-old girl in the back of his cop car, promises to help you, and then fucks you when you’re drunk? Am I hearing this right?”
I turned my head slowly, my obvious anger pinning her to the seat. Her eyes darted around wildly as if she was looking for a way to escape.
“I . . . I didn’t say no. At the time I thought I wanted him to . . .”
I shook my head slowly.
“He took advantage of you, you know that, right?”
“I . . .”
She flushed and looked down, but I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me.
“Sara!”
“What do you want me to say?” she cried out, pulling her face from my hands. “I did it! I wanted to do it! And I kept on doing it! I know you think I’m a giant slut and maybe I am! I didn’t say no. I should have. Maybe. But I didn’t.” And she lifted her chin. “It was consensual. We both said so.”
I shook my head. I could see exactly what had happened even if she couldn’t. It made me furious that she was still defending the bastard. In my opinion, he was barely better than a rapist. Fuck, he could have been grooming her for years, just waiting for his chance. His son’s 17 year-old girlfriend, for fuck’s sake!
I jumped out of the truck, needing to move, to do something before I started yelling or acting even more crazy than I already was.
I stood with my eyes closed, face turned to the burning sun, feeling the heat coming up through the concrete of the parking lot, sweat running down my back. But I felt cold, ice-cold inside.
When I turned back to the truck, I could see her narrow shoulders shaking, her hands wrapped protectively around her swollen belly.
I opened her door, torn in half by her hiccupping cry of shock as I lifted her into my arms.
I held her as she sobbed, crying her heart out: for him, for her baby, for the crashing end of her innocence, I didn’t know.
“It’s going to be alright now,” I whispered.
I hoped I wasn’t lying.
; When her sobs calmed, I let her slide down against my body, rocking her slowly in my arms, feeling her small body with its firm bump fold against me.
She peeked up, her eyes glazed and red, her nose and cheeks pink.
“You don’t hate me?”
“No. I couldn’t hate you, Sara.”
She swallowed.
“Not even a little bit?”
“Not even a little bit.”
She gave a watery smile and sighed.
I took her hand and led her over to a small coffee shop that had a couple of tables out on the sidewalk sheltered by large sun umbrellas, and ordered her one of those iced coffees with whipped cream that girls like, and a bottle of water for myself.
We sat quietly but it felt more like the eye of the storm than a lasting peace.
When her iced coffee arrived, I thought I’d ordered a dessert by mistake rather than a caffeinated beverage, but it seemed to cheer her up a little and she smiled.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
She pulled the long spoon out of her coffee and licked the cream off slowly and thoughtfully, concentrating hard. It reminded me so much of the one time we’d been intimate, that I had to look away. She didn’t notice.
I cleared my throat and rearranged my thoughts away from something that would embarrass both of us.
“Which of the two assholes has been calling your cell?”
Her lips froze around the spoon’s bowl for a second, then she set it down carefully, but she didn’t answer.
I idly wondered what the charges would be for kicking the crap out of a piece of shit Sheriff. Not that I was desperate to find out, but there was no question in my mind that he deserved it.
“Owen called a few times at the start, when I first left, but he doesn’t now.”
“So it’s Liam.”
She gave a sharp little nod, a jerk of her head, as her eyes tightened.
“He’s getting desperate. Another month and I’ll be too far along to . . . get rid of it.”
“He wants you to have an abortion?”
Her face was a bitter mask.
“They all want me to. Mom says I’m ruining my life and Owen’s. I . . . I couldn’t tell them that it might be Liam’s. But he knows. That’s why he keeps calling me.” She stared at her coffee, the crushed ice slowly melting in the intense heat. “Owen doesn’t know about Liam either. I was going to do what they wanted. The procedure was scheduled and everything. Mom was going to drive me, but I felt like I hadn’t made the decision myself. The doctor and nurses at the clinic were really nice and told me I needed to be sure. Mom was so furious when I left without getting it done. I caught the bus home.”
Her story was heart-breaking. She’d had to make a lot of big decisions in her young life.
“When did you decide to leave home?”
She gave a wry smile.
“About five minutes before I climbed in the back of the rig.” Her smile dimmed. “I’m responsible like that.”
“And now? You’ve decided to keep it?”
She sipped her coffee thoughtfully.
“I’m going to see the obstetrician with Aimee next week. We could find out if we’re having a boy or a girl, if we want to know. How can I think of my baby as an ‘it’ then?” She paused. “I think maybe I just didn’t want to make a decision, so maybe this is the right choice for me. I know it’s going to be hard. Single parents don’t have it easy and I don’t even have a college degree.” Then she gave a small smile. “But I don’t have any college loans to pay back either. I think . . . I think we’re going to be okay.”
She stroked her stomach, a soft smile on her face.
I leaned across the table and held her hand, pressing it against the material of her sundress.
“You’re going to do just fine, Sara. You’ll be a great mom.”
“Do you think so? You’re just being nice. I see you with the carnie kids and you’re like this amazing big brother, but I just look at them and . . .” she laughed a little. “When I wanted to earn extra pocket money, I’d always rather do chores than babysitting, even yard work. Being pregnant, it didn’t feel real for ages. Even now sometimes I forget. And I don’t know how I could forget when I’ve got this to remind me! My little Peanut, getting bigger every day.”
And she poked her belly affectionately.
“So Peanut stays?”
She laughed brightly.
“Looks like!”
“And the father?”
“What about him?” she scowled. “Neither of them care! They want the problem to go away. Fine! I’ve gone away!”
It annoyed me when she acted so childish. I had to remind myself that in many ways she still had a lot of growing up to do.
“Well, what are you going to tell Peanut when he or she is old enough to ask?”
“I don’t know,” she said in a small voice.
I nodded slowly.
“Well, I guess the first thing would be to have a paternity test and find out which of them is the father.”
She shook her head.
“Why drag them through the legal system and have them take a paternity test? I don’t want child support from either of them. I don’t see why they should be legally entitled to rights to a baby neither of them wants.”
I thought about that—but there was one big, glaring reason why she might want to know.
“What about when he or she asks you who their father is one day? What would you say?”
Her eyes went wide and she chewed her lip, before darting a quick glance at me.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you want me to talk to Liam?”
Her head shot up.
“What? No! Why would you talk to him?”
“To tell him to lay off. Every time he calls, you get upset and that’s not good for you or the baby.” And maybe I’d like to kick his judicial ass, just for fun.
Her expression softened.
“I still don’t know why you’re so nice to me, Zef. I’ve been such a heinous bitch to you.”
“Nah, I like women who are hard work. Easy is boring.”
She laughed out loud and I couldn’t help smiling, too.
“Sara, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure! Why stop now? I’ve just bared my entire soul to you.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I plowed on.
“When we nearly fucked, did I do something to upset you? Because you backed off pretty fast.”
Her cheeks turned red and she covered her face with her hands.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry about that,” she mumbled.
Gently, I peeled her hands away from her glowing face.
“Sara?”
She huffed out a breath.
“Because I like you!”
I raised my eyebrows. “You backed off because you like me?”
“It sounds stupid when you say it like that, but yes. I thought you deserved more than to be with someone who was pregnant and couldn’t even say who the father is! It wasn’t fair to you. And I liked you, so I didn’t want to use you.”
“I was rather enjoying you using me,” I muttered under my breath, a wry expression on my face that made her laugh. “So now we’ve got that cleared up, I’m taking you on a date.”
“Are you telling me or asking me?” she said sassily.
“Telling you.”
“Oh!”
“Yeah.”
I picked up her hand from the table, her skin cool from where she’d been holding her iced coffee.
“There’s something here,” I said, lifting her chin so she’d look me in the eyes. “I say we give it a shot.”
Her mouth twisted.
“What if it doesn’t work?” she whispered. “You’re my only friend.”
“I’ll still be your friend, but I’m not the only one. The carnival is your family now.”
Her eyes started to fill with tears, but then she gave a little hiccup o
f surprise, her lips forming a pout.
“Oh my God! I think he just kicked! Here, feel!”
She placed my hand on her belly and I immediately felt a small kick. It was the strangest sensation, and a smile grew across my face.
“Peanut says you should definitely date me,” I grinned. “And Peanut is never wrong.”
“Never?” she laughed.
“Nope, not until he can talk.”
“Peanut might be a she.”
“Then we’re both in trouble.”
Sara
I felt happy, truly happy.
Zef said he wanted to date me even after I’d told him the truth about Liam and Owen. I couldn’t believe it. I thought once he knew the ugly truth that he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.
Instead, he’d been amazing and supportive, and he liked me.
I was really looking forward to our date tonight. Zef said he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant, but I’d talked him into a stroll along the midway after his show and a ride on the Ferris wheel.
I was in my room getting ready, trying to decide which of the cute maternity dresses I’d wear tonight and which I’d save for meeting Zef’s brother tomorrow.
I was a little nervous about that. His brother was really famous—I’d Googled him and something like five million hits had shown up. I had no idea! I hadn’t been that much into football because Dad didn’t watch it and Owen played baseball. Pathetic, I know. I knew Quarterbacks were important, but Daniel Colton seemed to have a ton of followers from his underwear endorsements alone. I could see he was cute, but Zef was much better looking, in my opinion. Who knew I’d have a thing for beards?
I was still undecided about which dress to choose when I realized that Zef was standing almost directly outside my window and talking to someone. I couldn’t resist taking a little peek.
“Dan! What are you doing here?”
A man with Zef’s crow black hair and dark eyes was grinning at him. A few years younger, he had the wide shoulders and muscular build of a football player.
“What? I can’t come and hang out with my big brother?”
And then the strangest thing happened—they stopped talking. At least they stopped talking with their voices.
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