by J. L. Beck
It might have sounded like I was making up excuses, but in reality, it was the truth. When I came here, I expected her to be a million miles away. Not working at a diner, serving shady motherfuckers their coffee.
“We knew who she was. We were watching her. However, we didn’t know the connection you had with her until Zerro caught you guys getting close with one another…” Frank sounded almost angry as he looked away from me. When they said close, I got the feeling they weren’t talking about the leaning into one another kind of close. More so, the body slick, lips together, panting moans filling the air kind of close.
“Still, it was my personal life, and I didn’t think I needed to involve any of you. I fucked up, I know I did, and I’m sorry my actions could have changed the outcome of the bust, but I’m not sorry for helping her. I’ll never be sorry for that.”
I felt defeated. Everything I had set out to do blew up in my fucking face and could possibly cost me everything. I had lost the battle, and I wouldn’t get to keep the girl.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, Mitchell. You know that. I need your badge. I’ll decide what to do with you once we get back to our station.” Frank spoke miserably, extending his hand out as I gazed down at it.
This was the man who had given me my chance at freedom, my one and only chance at redemption. I had betrayed him and my team. I deserved whatever the fuck was coming my way.
“It’s back at the cabin, hidden underneath the broken tile in the bathroom. I took it off and hid it because they were already suspicious, and I didn’t want them to find out.” I hesitated with my words not wanting them to think I had just taken it off because I was done.
“That’s fine. I’ll have the guys get it.” He dropped his hand and walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. I clenched my fists, allowing the anger to overtake me. “You should’ve told me.” I looked up at Zerro from across the room. He didn’t seem angry, but then again neither did a snake before it strikes.
“Told you what exactly? That I had a girl from the past who I ripped to fucking shreds? That I left this fucking town because my parents were notorious drug dealers? Come on... really? Like you would’ve taken anything I said seriously.”
I was at a loss.
Life: Ten Million.
Devon: Zero.
“It doesn’t matter if I take you seriously or for a fucking joke. You’re a part of my family. You’re my brother. You should have let me fucking help you.” He paused. I could practically see the memories swarming him. I had saved his ass from spending a life behind bars. I had invested my time and efforts in him and now he was one of the best assets on the team.
“You stepped in and helped me and Bree when we had no way of getting out of the shit we were in. So, why didn’t you allow me to do the same for you?”
“I’m not an open book. I’m not going to lay it all out on the table. That’s not me. Bottom line is this wasn’t about you. This was about me. I needed to do this alone and I did. I did what I had to do just like you did for Bree.” I pushed a breath out of my chest, pain exploding within me on every exhale. It hurt to breathe, but I was breathing and with every breath I took, it reminded me I was living.
“Open book... Do you hear yourself? Did they hit you upside your head too many fucking times? Open book or not, I thought we were closer than this. If I were the person I used to be, I wouldn’t think twice before turning my gun on you. You’re full of shit and people who are like you can’t be trusted. I had your back, and I knew something was up the entire time I was watching you. Yet, you still continued to lie to me as you bottled up your fucking emotions. Maybe you really don’t deserve her. You couldn’t even admit you had a problem. That’s the real issue. You rely only on yourself, and if you don’t change, that will be your downfall.”
Everyone seemed disappointed. Even I felt it. I just didn’t know how to fix it. Then again, you couldn’t fix something that was already broken. I had broken everyone’s trust, including Tegan’s. God knows what she is thinking, let alone feeling at this very moment. Probably heartbroken from my lies, thinking I am the most selfish prick in the nation of pricks.
“I don’t know what to say.” I stuttered over my words, pressing the ice pack that they had given me to my head. The coldness against my skin awakened me. The realness of everything was hitting me hard.
“Don’t say shit because it just pisses me the fuck off. Silence is about as good as your words at this point. I’m just so fucking shocked. I can’t even—” He cut himself off. He was either too angry to finish his sentence or he just didn’t couldn’t believe what he was about to say.
“All I can say is I’m sorry I fucked up and I’ll make it right.” And I would. I would do whatever I could to fix things and to earn everyone’s trust back.
Zerro crossed the room, coming to stand in front of me as he delivered the final blow. “I pray to God you make things right with her. That you make it work because, otherwise, it was all for nothing.” And with that, he walked out of the room, leaving me with my own stormy fucking emotions. On top of that, he had to lay all that shit on me.
I had watched this man kill with no emotion, lose himself when thoughts of his mother threatened to drown him, marry the woman of his dreams, and cry when his daughter was born. Every significant moment of his life, whether good or bad, I had been there for him.
How had I fucked up all of this?
He knew I was afraid to love her.
To risk something happening to her because of me. After all, look at everything I had done just to save her from the very things I had caused.
Life was a cause and effect, a teeter totter of sorts. For every cause and effect, there was an equal result and reason. It didn’t matter what I had done. One way or another, I would’ve had to make a choice and jump a hurdle to get where I was.
“I can’t do this…” My voice was strangled as I said the words. There was no one to listen, no one to care but myself.
You have to…
I could feel the road forking. I didn’t want to walk away again. I had to make a choice. I just didn’t know if it would be the right choice.
Choose me.
Choose us.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tegan
“Ms. Anderson, I assume you know why you’re here?” Blue eyes, which I now knew as Frank, asked as he placed a cup of coffee in front of me. I fidgeted nervously with the end of the shirt I was wearing before wiping my sweaty palms against the fabric of the pants I was given. Upon arrival, Frank had found me a pair of tactical sweats so I wouldn’t have to walk around in this shirt exposing myself to everyone.
“Sorta... Yes, because Devon lied and Tony was a cumshot that his mother should have swallowed.” He flashed me a smile taking the seat across of me.
“You have quite the sense of humor.” His face was scraggly, and he had a beard that looked like it needed to be shaved. His eyes were soft and his body was big. He reminded me of a bear.
“Uh, thank you?” I said awkwardly. The tension seemed to ease in the room, and slowly, I grabbed for the cup of coffee, placing it to my lips, blowing on it before taking a small sip.
“What were your ties to Tony?” he asked staring holes into me.
“Well, I met Tony when I was with my ex. When he left town, or at least I thought he had left town, he owed a lot of money to some bad people. Tony gave me a job at his family diner so I could make money to repay his debt. I didn’t know everything that was going on. I mean, I knew the diner was shady, but I needed the money because I didn’t want to die.” I didn’t think I missed anything.
“Die?” His facial expression showing just how shocked he was at my admission.
“Yes... Die. I was threatened by some men. They said if I didn’t pay back Jamie’s debt, they would kill me. You know, like ‘off me.’” He eyed me cautiously as if he were preparing his next sentence carefully.
“What were you doing with Devon?” Well, he got straight
to the point.
“We used to be lovers. High school sweethearts, I suppose you could say.” I tried to hide the hurt I felt from my voice. We used to be a lot of things. He leaned back in his chair rubbing at his chin. I didn’t know what he was thinking or what he would ask next.
“High school sweethearts, huh? What happened with that, if you don’t mind me asking?” Of course, he wanted to know the answer to that. Breathe. It’s like ripping off a bandage.
“He wanted to get out of this town. His parents had him doing bad stuff, and he thought that it would be better for him to leave. It wasn’t as if my mom liked him anyway. She didn’t really like anyone…” I trailed off, saving the mom talk for another day. I could go on all day about her.
He continued to rub at his chin. “What happened to your dad?” I narrowed my eyes not really sure as to what my absent dad had to do with this.
“I don’t know really. He left us when I was one. My mom said he had more important things to do with his life. He chose something else over his family.” It was funny how much that story lined up with my own. How Devon had chosen something else over us. I had to stay strong though. I knew he did it for a reason. He needed out.
A snapping sound pulled me out of my own thoughts. As my eyes lifted, I caught a glimpse of the horror on his face. The pen that had been in his hand just moments before was snapped in two. Blue ink dribbled out from it and onto the table in every direction. Frank didn’t seem to care about that, though. Instead, his eyes were locked on mine.
It was then, as I looked into his eyes, when something felt different. He was looking at me differently. Like a father would look at his—
“Tegan…” His voice shattered me. There was no way he could be my father. It wasn’t possible.
“This can’t—I don’t believe it.” I was baffled.
My mother had never told me what it was my father did for a living. She had never spoken of any men other than the ones who came and went from her life without question. She despised men in every way, shape, and form. Her opinion of them reflected on my own life, thus resulting in me being kicked out of her house. She was long gone now, not caring what her daughter had been through.
“I believe it. I can feel it in my chest, the way your eyes flutter, and the freckles that can barely be seen. I have freckles like that on my shoulder.” He sounded as shocked as I looked.
It took everything in me not to laugh in his face. Not only would it be deemed inappropriate, but after everything I had just been through, I was surprised I wasn’t rocking in a corner back and forth.
I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I forced air in and out of my lungs remembering I needed to breathe or I would surely die.
“Your mom—” His voice cracked again and I almost broke. I almost broke down and started asking questions. Except that would mean I believed him, and I didn’t think I could handle such insanity.
“We were high school sweethearts ourselves. I wanted to go into the forces and get a job as an agent. We both knew the sacrifices we would have to make, but at the time, it didn’t seem like a big deal. Over time, I moved up the rankings, and eventually, became a valuable asset to the force. Your mom and I decided to start a family, and six months later, she ended up pregnant with you.” I could see the memories flashing in his blue eyes—eyes that were just like my own.
“We were so happy.” His voice sounded far off. “And for a while, I didn’t think anything could tear us apart.” He paused again. He looked more than lost in thought—he looked broken. “Then the long nights came, the traveling, and within the first year of your birth, less than 600 days into our marriage, she decided she was done. She gave me an ultimatum. If I weren’t home by a certain date, then no words would need to be spoken. She said my actions would be making my choice for me. “
“W… Why?” My lips trembled making it hard for me to get the words out. There was no apparent reason to cry. I had gone years without a father. I didn’t need to know anything. Yet, I found myself asking the one question that I should’ve put to the back of my head. The whole story he was feeding me sounded extremely ludicrous. If I were honest, I would think that whatever Tony was smoking was the same thing Frank had gotten his hands on. At the same time, the familiarity I felt whenever our eyes connected told me differently.
It had a similar feeling to when you were a little child with a brand new toy. You loved it so much you vowed never to let it go. You would play with it days on end and sleep with it throughout the night. Then one day, the toy stopped being so fascinating. It fell to the bottom of the toy box where you didn’t see it again until one day you found it. Then you remembered exactly why you loved it so much in the first place.
I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts I hadn’t realized Frank had answered me. “She just couldn’t handle me being gone all the time. It wears not only on your heart, but also on your soul when the only comfort you have is through the phone. I understood her feelings, but she didn’t understand mine. It hurt me just as much not to be there for either one of you. When I couldn’t be there to tuck you in at night or watch you take your first steps, it ripped me apart. Yet, she didn’t care. All she cared about was the fact that I wasn’t there, and I regret I wasn’t. I missed out on all the small things and let me tell you something—it’s the small things that matter the most.”
He spoke every word with sincerity, and I could tell, through him giving me a piece of their journey, he was finally getting the closure he needed. His words were spoken forms of clarity, explaining why my mother hated men to the extent that she did. The hysteria she had about me loving Devon and all the things she said to me made so much more fucking sense. Her heart was laced heavily with anger and abandonment, never having the time to heal. I knew if she continued to walk around with all of those feelings, eventually, they would consume her and it was a shame. It was a shame because I knew somewhere deep inside her, underneath the pain of her loneliness, there was a person who yearned to be loved.
“She just left?” The question was more so to myself than to him. “She up and left, and didn’t even tell you?” I was flabbergasted my mother would make such a selfish choice. Then again, I never did perceive her as the type to stay when times got tough. I must’ve gotten my strength to wade through the bullshit up to my throat from my father. God knows he had been through a crap ton of shit.
Could all of this be true? Could he really be my father? If this man sitting in front of me was the person he claimed to be, then that only meant one thing.
She had taken me from my father. She hadn’t even given him a chance to be a dad or even a chance to change things. She hadn’t waited or tried, and that said more about the person she was than about the man sitting in front of me.
His face said he felt the same way about the way things played out as I did. “Afraid so. I rushed home as soon as she gave me the ultimatum fully intent on fixing everything I had managed to screw up between your mother and me. What I found was an empty house with nothing but my belongings left in it. The place looked as if it had been vacant for days.” He stopped talking and reached across the table for my hand. I recoiled against my chair. I didn’t know if I should believe him or not.
The little girl inside of me, who couldn’t even remember her father, wanted to believe him, but the woman I had grown into kept screaming at me that this was all a load of shit. He had to be fucking with me. Right? But if he were, why did I still feel this connection? My mind was going into overload trying to process everything that left his lips. However, my heart was opening, willing every part of me to accept this. Accept him.
“I looked for you all over the place. Used whatever connections I could at work. At the time, I wasn’t nearly as high up in the ranks as I am now, so they weren’t the best connections, but they helped me any way they could. Every search always came back the same, and I got so tired of the pain I felt every time they told me they had nothing. I gave up looking for you and that is my biggest regret
. I should’ve never given up. I should’ve kept looking, but it was just... I figured, eventually, she would tell you and you would be able to find me.” He sounded disconnected from the world. I wanted to reach out, extend my hand to him, and show the compassion and comfort he deeply deserved, but at the same time, I didn’t know if I should. Every man who I had loved, at some point in time, had given up on me, and he was basically telling me he was one of them.
“How—how do I know this is true?” I narrowed my eyes at him only to earn a smile in return. This last twenty-four hours had proven to me how strong I really was, but even the strongest of people sometimes break and I was breaking. My heart was experiencing every emotion times ten while this entire conversation suffocated me.
“Stop glaring at me, child. Turn around and lift your shirt.” I looked at him like he had grown a second head. I was not turning around, and I most definitely was not lifting my shirt up.
“How about no.” I glared even more.
“Just do it, Tegan. I’ll know if it is you or not by the birthmark on your back. Not that I don’t know it’s you already, but if I have to prove it, I will.” My mouth opened to say something, and then closed only to open again. I felt and looked like a fish out of water. He knew about my birthmark. That meant... I shook my head in disbelief.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t holding out hope because I was. I was holding out, waiting for him to say something that would click. Something that would trigger anything inside of me to confirm that maybe, just maybe, he being my father wasn’t as farfetched or ludicrous as I had initially thought.
He was my father. The very man who I assumed had fallen off the face of the Earth was sitting right in front of me, in flesh and blood.