“Maybe that’s how it works on Earth,” said Loren, although even she had a sneaking suspicion that it probably didn’t. “Most orphanages I’ve seen are workhouses. Or worse. We can’t put Tyrra into one of those.”
“Can’t we, though?” asked Cal. It really had been a great t-shirt. “She’s a tough kid. She’ll probably be made, like, house captain within a week. She’ll be running the place in no time. I mean, is it the hard-knock life? Sure, but… She ruined my Betty White t-shirt, Loren. Betty White!”
Loren shot him a sympathetic look. “You must really love that shirt.”
“I do!”
“I know. You’ve had it on for four days.”
Cal did not miss the slightly accusatory tone of that remark.
“Really? Four days?” he asked. He looked down at the smiling face of Betty White, then sniffed her forehead. “Huh. I guess it is a little funky.”
“And tight,” said Loren.
“It’s not tight!” said Cal. “Betty White’s head is meant to be that shape.”
Loren regarded the image. “Oh. Right. Sorry, I thought she was human.”
“She is fonking human,” said Cal. He craned his neck so he could see the image on his chest. Now that he looked more closely, Betty’s eyes did seem a little farther apart than he remembered, and her head had a football-shaped quality to it that didn’t seem quite right.
“OK, it’s a little tight,” he admitted. “But that’s travel weight. It’ll fall right out of me.”
“Everyone had better watch their toes when it does,” said Loren, smirking just a little.
“Hilarious,” said Cal. “Well done.”
“Thank you,” Loren replied.
They sat for a while in a slightly awkward silence, then both spoke at once.
“So—”
“I was—”
They both stopped.
“Sorry, you first,” said Cal.
Loren shook her head. “No, it’s fine. You go.”
“No, it’s fine, you—”
“Cal,” Loren said sharply. “What were you going to say?”
Cal decided it was probably best if he went first. “OK, so here’s a funny thing. Mech and I were playing Operation—I won, by the way.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks. It’s all in the psychology,” he said, tapping the side of his head. “Anyway, we got to talking, and he said it was weird that I still call you ‘Loren.’” He gave a half-laugh. “That’s not weird, is it?”
“No, that’s not weird,” said Loren, laughing along with him. “I mean… OK, it’s a little weird, but it’s fine. It’s completely fine. Call me what you like.”
Cal clicked his fingers. “I could call you ‘babe.’”
“Don’t call me that,” Loren warned.
“OK, yes, that’s fair. I won’t call you that,” said Cal.
“Sugartits?” Kevin suggested.
Cal and Loren both looked up.
“Sorry. I don’t know what came over me,” said Kevin. “I’d appreciate it if we never spoke of that again.”
“I think we all would,” Cal said. He adjusted himself in the chair. “Would you prefer me to call you Teela?”
“Me, sir?”
“No, not you!” Cal sighed. “Look, could you just give us a little privacy, Kevin?”
“Not really, sir. I’m hardcoded into the flight deck systems,” Kevin said. “I could stay very quiet, though. Would that help?”
“It wouldn’t hurt,” Cal said.
He and Loren both waited to see if Kevin was going to respond. When he didn’t, Cal asked the question again, making it clearer who he was aiming it at.
“Would you?” he asked Loren. “Prefer me to call you Teela, I mean?”
“Totally up to you,” said Loren. “Your call. I don’t mind, either way.”
“OK, so—”
“But it is my name. My first name, I mean. It is my first name.”
Cal clicked his tongue against the back of his teeth. “It’s just… when I say ‘Teela’ I think of Teela from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, and I want to start making Ram Man jokes.”
“Oh,” said Loren, flatly. “I see. So, my name’s a joke to you?”
“No! That’s not what I mean. It’s a great name. I love it,” said Cal. “It’s just…”
Loren gave the rest of the sentence a few seconds to arrive. It didn’t.
“It’s just what?”
“It’s a big step, you know?” said Cal.
“I’m not asking you to marry me. It’s calling me by my name. How is that a big step?” asked Loren. “And… what? Are you saying you don’t want to take big steps?”
“No! I mean, yes! I mean, that’s not what I’m saying,” said Cal. He sighed and rubbed his temples. “It’s just… Look. Can we discuss this at a later date? It’s been a long trip. I’ve recently been stabbed in the intestines. I’m not really thinking straight.”
“Fine,” said Loren, a little coolly. “It’s not a problem. We don’t have to discuss it at a later date. Call me whatever you’re comfortable with. There’s nothing to discuss.”
Cal groaned inwardly. “It’s just… I’m climbing the walls here. That’s all. I swear, if I have to be trapped on this ship for much longer, I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Oh, it’s not that bad, sir,” said Kevin, breaking his short silence. “And I say that as someone who is trapped here on a permanent basis.”
“I rest my case,” Cal concluded.
He was about to promise Loren that he’d call her by her first name in future when something hard cracked across the back of his skull, and pain came rushing into his head.
“Ow! What the fonk?!” he yelped, spinning in his chair.
Tyrra stood before him, a small mallet in her hands. “Ha! Bested!” she shouted at him, then she turned and sprinted out the door and into the corridor before he could reply.
“Did you see that?” Cal asked, turning in his chair. “Do you see what I have to put up with?”
“I didn’t even notice her sneaking up,” said Loren. “That’s pretty impressive.”
“Not from where I was sitting!” Cal shook his head. “She has to go. This can’t go on. I’m going to be a nervous wreck.”
“Why?” asked Mech from right behind him. As if to prove his own point, Cal jumped in his chair and screamed.
“You see that? You see what she’s done to me?” yelped Cal, gesturing out along the corridor. “You see what you’ve done to me, you little psycho?”
“We talking about Tyrra? Is this the stabbing thing?” asked Mech, clanking his way to the front.
“Yes, it’s ‘the stabbing thing.’ Only now she’s started hitting me with a little hammer,” Cal said. “I mean, that’s not right, is it? That can’t be allowed?”
The grin on Mech’s face made his feelings on the matter very clear.
“Well, obviously you’re going to approve, because you’re a big metal sadist, but…”
He ran out of steam and sank down into his chair. “Are we nearly there yet?”
“Ish,” said Loren.
“What do you mean ‘ish’? How ‘ish’?”
Loren consulted her instruments. “I’d say we have about… three more days.”
“Three more days?!” Cal sobbed. “That’s, like, eight space weeks.”
“This was your plan, man,” Mech reminded him.
And it had been. The team had endured a lot together over the past few months. They’d faced many hardships, overcome sizeable obstacles, and briefly been given front row seats to an elderly gentleman’s anus.
Throw in all the genocide, torture, and that time Cal had been forced to wash dishes for several hours, and they had come to the conclusion that their current sector of space was trying to tell them something, and that the time had probably come to move on.
Specifically, Cal had come to this conclusion. The others hadn’t necessarily all agreed, but he’d kept go
ing on about it for so long that they’d eventually relented just to shut him up.
“It’s not a plan,” Cal corrected. “It’s the exact opposite of a plan. It’s a noplan. It’s an anti-plan. We picked the destination at random.”
“That’s still a plan,” Mech insisted. “It’s a plan to go someplace else.”
“A randomly selected someplace else,” Cal reminded him. “Therefore, not a plan.”
Mech chose not to argue. They’d had this same debate every day since they’d set off, and it had always ended with frustration and, on one occasion, violence.
“You know what I been wondering?” he said.
“Can the Wizard really give you a heart?” Cal guessed.
“Why didn’t we go to Earth?” Mech asked, ignoring the remark.
“Uh, well, maybe because the Earth Defense Initiative wants to kill us?” said Cal.
“No, I get that. I do. And believe me, Earth’s the last place I want to go, just in case there are more of them there like you,” Mech replied. “It’s just… We’ve killed presidents, overthrown governments, all that shizz. I don’t get why you didn’t even try to talk us into going to Earth and stopping the EDI.”
Cal gave a vague wave of his hand. “Earth’s… complicated.”
Loren raised an eyebrow. “Complicated how?”
“It’s just complicated. It’s all a delicate balance,” said Cal. “It’s not like the planets you guys will be used to. There’s more to it. I don’t want to say it’s better, but it’s better.”
“The fonk’s that supposed to mean?” asked Mech.
Cal angled his chair so he was facing between Loren and Mech. “Well, it’s got weather, for one thing.”
“Weather?” said Loren.
“Yeah. Weather,” said Cal, as if just saying the word again would make everything clear. Since it didn’t, he explained. “You know how every planet we visit is always one thing? It’s a desert planet. It’s a snow planet. It’s a planet filled with wasp mustard.”
“That was a moon,” Loren corrected.
“Whatever. The point is, they’re always one thing,” Cal continued. “Earth’s not like that. Earth’s lots of things. And you can’t just go charging in like you can on other planets. Overthrow an Earth government, and someone worse generally comes along to fill the void left behind. It’s best we just leave them to get on with it.”
That wasn’t the full truth of it, of course. Part of Cal—most of him, in fact—wanted nothing more than to return to Earth, liberate its people from the oppressive regime of the EDI, and usher in a prosperous new dawn for his homeworld.
The worry was that maybe they wouldn’t want to be liberated. Maybe the people of Earth were perfectly happy being represented in space by a bunch of genocidal maniacs and a mutant with a Darth Vader fetish. Maybe the people of Earth were not who he thought they were, and that was an ugly truth he’d rather not have to face up to.
Besides, Earth was complicated. It had weather.
“We don’t want to make it worse, is my point,” Cal concluded.
“Worse than being led by someone called Manacle, Enslaver of Worlds?” asked Loren.
“It could happen,” Cal reasoned. “It happens on Earth all the time. Overthrow some tyrant, and another one pops up with more guns and a bigger mustache. And anyway, we killed Manacle. He’s gone. We’ve done our part.”
Cal gestured ahead to the streaking blur of stars on the screen. “So, for now it’s off into the wild space frontier to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life, and new civilizations. To boldly go… Wait.”
He looked around the bridge. “Has anyone seen Splurt lately?”
“Yes,” said Loren.
She slid her chair aside and gestured behind her with a thumb. The top of Splurt’s… Cal wanted to say ‘head’ although this wasn’t strictly accurate. The top of Splurt was just visible above Loren’s console, his eyes following her every move with their blank, featureless gaze.
“He’s been doing that for hours,” Loren said. “Just sitting there and staring.”
“Ah. That might be my fault,” said Cal. “I asked him to keep an eye on you.”
“You did what?” asked Loren, her forehead creasing into a frown. “You told him to spy on me?”
“What? No! Not like that. I meant to look out for you. You know, to make sure you’re OK when I’m not around.”
Loren snorted. “I’m OK when you’re not around. Honest. You don’t have to worry.”
“I wasn’t worried, exactly, I just thought it’d be nice,” said Cal. His eyes went to Splurt, who was still attached to the console, his eyes boring remorselessly into Loren. “He’s taken it a little more literally than I intended. Splurt, buddy? You can knock it—”
The ship stopped. One second, the stars were a series of mildly nauseating smears, the next they were almost completely stationary.
The same could not be said for the occupants of the Currently Untitled.
Cal and Loren were both launched from their chairs and sent hurtling toward the screen. Fortunately, Splurt was able to grab a leg as it sailed past him. Unfortunately for Cal, it was one of Loren’s.
As Loren jerked to a stop, Cal continued past her. The top of his head met the solid screen, rattling his teeth and compacting his spine a full two inches. His inertia kept him in place for a moment, his body sticking out at 90 degrees from the screen like a nail, then gravity took over and he hit the floor with his face.
Mech, meanwhile, staggered a single step.
“Thanks,” said Loren, as Splurt gently deposited her back in her chair, then patted her on the head with a gloopy green tentacle.
“Brace!” warned Kevin.
Everyone braced. Loren grabbed for her seatbelt, Mech ramped up the power to his magnetic feet, and Cal hugged the floor as firmly as he could.
“Sorry, I meant brace for the emergency stop,” Kevin said. “I confess I may have been a little late with the warning.”
“Maybe just a smidge,” groaned Cal, picking himself up. He placed the palms of both hands under his chin and pushed his head up until something clicked. “Aaand, I can feel my toes again,” he announced.
“Like, what just happened?” demanded Mizette, stomping onto the bridge with Tyrra behind her. Cal kept his distance from the Symmorium girl and eyed her warily for weapons. “We just totally got thrown against the wall.”
“Ha!” said Cal, pointing to Tyrra. “Bested!”
Tyrra bared her teeth and made a move to lunge at him, but Miz blocked her. “Both of you cut it out, already. How come we stopped like that? What’s going on?”
“I’m afraid there is an issue with our warp disk,” said Kevin.
“What kind of issue?” asked Mech.
“It broke in half, sir,” said Kevin.
“Is that bad?” asked Cal. “I’m assuming that’s bad.”
“Well, it’s not good, sir,” said Kevin. “It appears the strain of traveling at such speeds for so long rather took its toll on the poor thing.”
“Great. Well, can we stick it back together?” Cal asked.
“Yes, sir.”
“Well, OK!”
“It won’t work, of course, but we can stick it back together if you like,” Kevin said. “It’ll help take all our minds off… You know.”
Cal raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Help take our minds off what?”
“The inevitable… You know.”
“I don’t know, Kevin,” said Cal. “What will it take our minds off?”
“Your prolonged agonizing deaths, sir,” said Kevin.
Cal waited for the inevitable ‘just my little joke,’ comment, which he was sure would follow any moment now.
Any second.
Here it came.
…
Shizz.
“The warp disk is what recharges life support,” explained Mech. “We can run on back-ups for a while, but when they run out…”
“We run ou
t,” said Loren.
An oppressive sort of silence fell over the bridge as everyone looked at everyone else. Except Splurt, who looked exclusively at Loren.
“Still, on the bright side, not all of you will die,” said Kevin. “Masters Mech and Splurt will survive. And me, of course. So, it’s not all doom and gloom!”
“Nice work on the silver lining, Kevin, but let’s not give up quite yet,” said Cal. “Can we call for help?”
“We can, sir.”
Cal knew better than to get excited quite yet.
“And is anyone likely to hear us?”
“No, sir,” said Kevin. “Anywhere habitable is beyond the reaches of our current transmission range. Without the warp disk’s power, we’re unable to send or receive communications beyond a few hundred thousand miles in any direction. We’re stranded and alone. I’m afraid that there is no one out here but us.”
“And them,” said Tyrra, pointing to the viewscreen.
Everyone, with the exception of Splurt, turned to follow Tyrra’s finger. There, on screen, hung a fat, slightly clumsy-looking ship.
“Oh yes,” said Kevin. “And them.”
Four
“Try again,” said Cal.
Mech tutted, shook his head, then tried opening a communications channel with the other ship for the fifth time in three minutes.
“Nothing,” he said, when the ship failed to respond.
“You’re not giving them time to pick up,” said Cal, rocking impatiently in his chair. “Let it ring for longer.”
“What the fonk are you talking about?” Mech asked. “It don’t ring. Their ship computer ain’t acknowledging the handshake. They ain’t receiving us.”
Cal leaned back in his chair and regarded the ship on screen. It was almost completely stationary, aside from a very slow spinning motion that he hadn’t noticed until he realized he was now looking at the bottom of the ship, rather than the side.
“And you’re definitely getting life signs?” asked Cal, looking up to the ceiling.
“Just one life sign, sir,” said Kevin. “But yes. Running diagnostics on it now, although there is quite a lot of subspace interference, so it’s taking a little longer than usual.”
“OK, good. Let us know when you have something,” Cal said.
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