“And if you run?” The question comes out of the blue and I blink, bewildered. I had not even considered that, but now that he mentions it I feel a spark of excitement in my chest. We could run again. This time we could go somewhere where nobody could ever find us. But no sooner has the thought occurred to me than the heaviness returns to my chest and I lift my chin, meeting Carl’s watchful eyes in the rearview mirror.
“We won’t,” I promise and I mean it.
My heart is in my throat as we approach the next set of street lights but, to my amazement, Carl indicates to turn left and I exhale, tears brimming in my eyes. He is taking us home.
“Thank you,” I whisper, the words seeming insignificant in light of the trust and the faith that he is showing us. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
At the apartment block Carl hands us our luggage.
“Tomorrow morning. Nine o’clock,” he instructs, casting a meaningful look in my direction. I nod, I will not let him down. “I’ll get hold of Lizzy,” he adds before driving off and I feel a pang of guilt and shame. I will have to face Lizzy. After all the lies I will have to look into her trusting blue eyes and own up to my deceit. She will hate me I realise. I would certainly hate her if she had kept Adam from me.
In the apartment I wearily unpack the suitcases and then I have a shower. Dressing in my comfy pajamas I risk a glance at the bedside clock. It is almost 7 p.m. We only have 14 hours. Time, I realise, is my enemy. I wish I could stop the clock or turn it back, but what I want, what I wish doesn’t matter. My shoulders sag in defeat and I make my way back down the passage. Adam is sitting in the armchair, his shoulders stooped, his head hanging. He has not moved or said a word since we arrived. My chest tight with emotion I kneel before him, taking his hand in my own.
“Adam,” I urge, trying to get him to look at me. “Adam,” I repeat, tugging at his arm, but he is staring at the floor, his eyes hollow.
“Adam, please,” I beg, taking hold of his face and forcing him to look at me. He stares through me as if I am invisible and I bite my lip, my face crumpling. I am so close to the edge, the emotional precipice that has beaten me once before. In 14 hours I think to myself. In 14 hours you can have me. I will leave this life when he does. I have no intention of coming back without Adam.
I force myself to stand, my legs feeling weak and I head for the kitchen. I make two cups of tea, using the short time to collect myself and regain control of my emotions. Making my way back to the lounge I stub my toe on the edge of the sofa and give a yelp of pain, my eyes and nose starting to water instantly. Adam glances up, concern crossing his face and makes as though to stand, then seems to think better of it and sinks back into the armchair.
“Enough!” I shout at him, anger coursing through my veins. “Don’t act as though you don’t exist Adam, please!” He lifts his head, an ugly, sinister smile spreading across his handsome face.
“But I don’t exist, Paige,” he says calmly.
“Oh no, you don’t,” I mutter angrily, setting the cups down, not concerned that half the tea sloshes onto the wooden table. “Don’t you dare do this to me, Adam Parker,” I round the table and sit down on the opposite end of it, facing him.
“Do what, Paige?” His tone is sarcastic. “I don’t exist. You know it, I know it. In fact, I don’t even know why you brought me back here. Is this some sort of self-persecuting act of pity?” He raises his eyebrows and opens his arms, gesturing at the apartment. “This is not my house,” he laughs without humour.
“Adam!” I half-sob. “This is your house; this is our home!”
“These are not my clothes,” he continues as though I haven’t even spoken, pulling at his cotton shirt, “this is not even my body,” he adds, gesturing at himself.
“Adam, please,” I beg, and he regards me with a disgusted look on his face, “and you?” his tone is accusatory and I brace myself for what is coming next. “You are not my wife!” he hisses, standing and stalking into the kitchen as I cover my face with my hands, the pain of his words too much for me to even voice a denial.
“These!” he yells, opening the kitchen cabinet and pulling out two of the mugs that I gave him for Christmas. “These don’t belong here!”
“Adam, no!” I mewl, shaking my head. He ignores me, smashing them to the ground before reaching into the cabinet and retrieving another two. I jump off the table, tears blurring my vision and fling myself at him just as the mugs crash to the ground.
“Stop it!” I yell, clinging to him with all my strength as he tries desperately to push me away.
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” I keep yelling, ignoring his enraged cries and his fingers digging painfully into my arms as he tries to extricate me.
“I am not Adam!” he roars, the sound filling the entire apartment and echoing down the passage. “I am not your husband!” he continues and I turn my head from side to side, refusing to let him go and gasping, “Please Adam,” over and over again like a mantra.
Finally his superior strength wins and he disentangles me, holding me at arm’s length and hissing into my face.
“Adam Parker doesn’t exist, Paige! My name is Simon Harris!”
Something inside of me snaps and I claw at his face, his chest, his clothes, anything I can reach. I hate, hate, hate him right now and all the anger that I feel towards Simon is unleashed on Adam like a river of hot, scalding lava. I feel my nails tearing at his skin as he tries in vain to subdue me, the anger adding a hysterical strength to my efforts. When he finally hits me, it is so hard that I spin almost a full 180 º before landing hard on the tiled floor in a crumpled, broken mess.
“Paige?” Adam’s voice has returned to normal and soft hands are pushing my hair out of my face. My cheek is aching and I lift my hand gingerly, wincing as I touch the bruised area.
“Oh God,” Adam sounds forlorn and I open my eyes to see his beautiful blue eyes gazing down at me with an eternity of regret reflected in their depths. “Paige, I am so, so sorry,” he whispers, and I sit up, feeling a sharp pain in my hand as I do so. I realise that we are both sitting on the shattered remains of the smashed mugs. Adam seems to realise this at the same time and he scoops me up into his arms, treading carefully as he makes his way through the kitchen, then deposits me gently on the sofa.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats leaving my side for a moment. I hear the crunch of him walking through the broken ceramic and the sound of the ice-box opening and then he is back with a frozen bag of peas which he presses up against my cheek.
“Can you give me a sec?” he asks, searching my face, and I nod, not trusting myself to speak, terrified that I might say something that will cause him to behave like before, to deny that he is Adam.
I am momentarily alarmed when I hear the front door open but before I can say anything, he is gone. I lie back on the couch praying that he is not leaving me. A few minutes later I hear the door again and I glance up to see Adam re-entering the apartment. He heads over to me immediately, dropping to sit cross-legged in front of me and taking my hand.
“The neighbours,” he murmurs, by way of explanation, his eyes never leaving my face, “I just wanted to give them an explanation before they called the cops.”
“What did you tell them?” I ask, curious, and he smiles for the first time since Ireland.
“I told them we were playing X-Box and that we take it very seriously,” he says solemnly and I gaze up at him in disbelief. He chuckles, ruffling my hair before he adds, “I told them the truth,” and his face becomes serious again.
I am about to ask what their reaction was when I realise that I don’t actually give a damn and I sit up, swinging my legs off the chair and slipping down onto the floor beside him.
“I really am sorry, Paige,” he says, sounding so apologetic that I smile at him.
“I know that, Adam,” I deliberately place my hand on his cheek and turn his head to face me, “don’t you think I know that?” I whisper, dropping a feather-light kiss on his lips
.
I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes. I don’t want to spend my life dreaming of all the things that never were and feeling the pain of his loss. Adam’s hand cups my face tenderly, dropping kisses on my forehead, my nose, my cheeks. He sighs, pulling me onto his lap and cradling me like a child.
“How did we end up here?” he whispers softly.
I press my face into his chest, breathing in deeply, trying to fill my senses with him, with Adam. There is no answer to his question, no answer to the myriad questions that I want to scream into the air; that I want answers for. The universe is cruel. Life is not fair. Our ability to feel and to love is our weakness; this is what it means to be human.
We sit like this for ages, clinging to each other as if this is the last night on earth; which, of course, for Adam, it is. For both of us I remind myself. Eventually Adam disengages me, depositing me gently on the floor beside him so that he can get to his feet. His beautiful eyes, the windows to his beautiful soul, look down at me with infinite sadness. He offers me his hand and pulls me to my feet, wrapping me in his arms and holding me tightly.
“Come,” he finally murmurs, leading me by the hand to the bedroom and I fight the urge to succumb to the darkness that lingers just beyond the realm of my subconscious, dancing in the shadows. Not yet, Paige. I push it away, focusing only on Adam and what little time we have left.
Chapter 34
“Why don’t you drive?” I offer Adam the keys and he gapes at me disbelievingly.
“Paige, don’t be ridiculous!” he scolds, opening the passenger door and scowling at me over the roof of the Audi. “We could be killed!” he finishes, placing one leg inside the car and my face falls, involuntarily.
“Oh my God,” Adam freezes, catching my eye and then he straightens up, standing and facing me across the car. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?” His eyes widen; understanding dawning in the sapphire orbs.
“No!” I protest, but it is too late, he knows the truth; I can read it on his face. He slams the door shut and I flinch as he takes a few determined strides and comes around to stand before me.
“Tell me you aren't that stupid, Paige!” He sounds panicked and disgusted and he takes me by the shoulders and shakes me. “Tell me!” he repeats, sounding angrier than I have ever heard him, even angrier than he was during last night’s breakdown.
“Adam, I...” I trail off. I do not have the strength to deny it and what would be the point? Lying to Adam would be futile, he knows me too well. Instead, I draw myself up to my full height and meet his gaze head-on. “I will not live without you,” I state, simply.
“You will!” he roars and I jut out my chin like an obstinate child.
“I won’t,” I insist, and his eyes are afire with rage.
“Paige, you will live,” he lowers his voice as an elderly couple walks by, eyeing us anxiously. “You will live. You will go on to get married and have babies and enjoy every single minute that you have, do you understand me?” He is instructing and pleading all at once and I lower my eyes, not wanting to see the desperation in his.
“I can’t, Adam,” I admit, opening my arms wide and shaking my head. “I physically and emotionally can’t! Don’t you understand? I can’t recover from this! I won’t be able to come back again whether I want to or not. And I don’t,” I add, sniffing loudly, “I don’t want to be without you.”
“Paige, look at me,” his voice is so unexpectedly gentle that I raise my eyes. Adam takes a deep breath before he continues, “I know,” he says gently, pushing my hair back behind my ear, “I know that what you’ve been through... what you’ve lost; it hasn’t been easy. Kevin, your dad, me...” he swallows determinedly, “you've lost so much; I get that. But you...” he smiles proudly, “you're the strongest, most amazing person I know. You can get through this!” he takes my hands and squeezes them. “Please, Paige, for me. I need to know that you're going to be okay. Please! Don’t condemn me to an eternity of worry,” he raises his brows in question.
I cover my face with my hands, rubbing up and down, trying to think of the words to say.
“I’m just emotional,” I eventually look up at him, “I'll be fine.” I smile encouragingly and he looks unconvinced. I force myself to smile, placing my hands on either side of his face. “I'll get through this Adam, I promise.” I kiss his lips and then I glance down at my watch and deliberately change the subject, “We’re going to be late,” is all I can manage and I turn away, jumping in the car and starting the engine.
The drive to the Institute is agony and when we finally pull into the parking-lot, I switch off the car and rest my head on the steering-wheel. Adam and I sit in silence for a few moments, we are still slightly early despite my concern about the time.
“Paige,” Adam begins hesitantly and I raise my head, turning to look at him.
“I’m sorry, Adam,” I smile tentatively, “of course you're right. I promise I won't do anything stupid. I love you,” my voice breaks at the last and Adam leans forward, reaching for me. Our lips meet and the kiss deepens, my body responding to Adam’s touch.
“I thought you might have got enough of me last night,” Adam chuckles and I smile despite my sombre mood. “It could never be enough,” I whisper against his mouth, and I kiss him again, letting all my emotions, all my passion and all my love flow through, until it is so overwhelming that I feel dizzy. I pull back slowly, my eyes still closed.
“Remember me just like this, Paige.” Adam’s voice is husky and I can sense that he too is trying not to be overcome with emotion.
“I will,” I promise, opening my eyes.
“I will love you forever,” he promises and I blink back the tears.
“I will love you a lot longer than that Adam.”
Carl is waiting for us in his office. Never before has the room felt so cold, so clinical. There is an ominous atmosphere and I almost feel as though I am about to witness an execution; as if this is the punishment for wanting to be happy; punishment for having loved – the death penalty. Carl regards us both with empathy and I see something in his eyes, a sadness of his own. I suppose this is his cross to bear. In his own way I believe that Carl cares very deeply for Adam too and I realise that his task is hardly an easy one.
“Are you ready, Adam?” he asks gently and Adam meets my eyes across the room, his own blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
“I’m ready,” he answers brusquely, lying back on the doctor’s couch and placing his hands by his sides.
I cross the room, not caring in the least about the rules and settle down on the floor next to Adam, taking his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“I’m here,” I whisper unnecessarily and Adam gives a brisk nod of his head, squeezing my hand so tightly in his shaking one that I feel the circulation stop. He looks up at me his eyes hollow and anguished but somehow proud, and I am consumed by this brave, wonderful man who would sacrifice everything to do what is right. Choking back a sob, I wait until the moment that he finally closes his eyes, before I let the silent tears fall freely down my cheeks as Carl Sheldon begins to speak.
I tune out; self-preservation allowing me to hear nothing but the steady sound of Adam’s breathing which becomes calmer and calmer as time goes by and he succumbs to the hypnosis. Carl’s rhetoric is white noise; and I search Adam’s face, trying to remember every single detail, from the tiny scar on his forehead, to his long, black lashes sweeping his cheeks; his beautiful mouth so soft in repose and the full lips which have brought me so much pleasure; his strong jaw; the dimple in his chin; the beautiful tanned curve of his neck and the hollow where it meets his strong chest; his broad shoulders, his beautiful hands. Adam. All things Adam. My Adam. I close my eyes and wait for the world to end.
I am so lost in thought that I do not even hear Carl bringing the session to a close. I feel peaceful as if I might have died and almost as if, even if I never open my eyes again, it will be okay. Adam’s hand is suddenly snatched from my gr
ip and a thunderous voice festering with hatred booms through the room.
“Don’t touch me!” Simon roars, wiping his hand on his shirt as though it might be contaminated. I resist the urge to meet his eyes. I will not look at his face. “Don’t you ever touch me!” he hisses and I hear Carl clear his throat.
“Paige, it might be best if you leave,” he says gently, his eyes filled with compassion. I nod, still refusing to look at Simon. I will not let my last memory of Adam be the sight of Simon’s hateful gaze. I rise slowly to my feet placing a hand on Carl’s arm as I pass and smiling sadly up at him.
“Take care, Carl,” I murmur, heading towards the door.
I smile sadly at Lizzy who is sitting on a chair just outside the office in the hall and I nod quickly, to let her know that she can go in. She spares me a sincere, sympathetic look and then, in a flash, she yanks open the door and rushes inside. I stifle a sob and turn to make my way toward the parking-lot, away from my future, away from my soul.
“Paige, wait!” Carl races up to me, his face stricken.
“I’m so sorry.” His eyes are sparkling with unshed tears. “This is my fault, Adam was my patient. I made a mistake, I don’t know how I never picked it up.” He pauses, shaking his head, and then he takes hold of my shoulders. “I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never meant to cause you any pain. If I had known, if I had suspected, please believe me I would never have dragged you into all of this. That day at your house, when I asked you to help...I genuinely believed that there would be a happy ending for both of you.” His voice breaks slightly and I bite down hard on my lip to keep from breaking down. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before,” he continues, “I had to be harsh, I was worried that you would run again, that you wouldn’t let me finish it. As much as I care deeply for Adam, I have a professional obligation to Simon.” He sounds almost regretful; as though he wishes this was not the case. “Anyway, I understand entirely if you want to report me to the Medical Board.” The last words stun me, and I stare up at him, flabbergasted. The thought had never crossed my mind, but I suppose it makes sense. A mistake of that magnitude would not be taken lightly. Of course I would never do that. I know that Carl was not neglectful or derelict in his duty. And besides, it would not bring Adam back. What would be the point? To punish someone who is obviously punishing himself enough.
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