She tilted her head. “I wouldn’t have expected that of you.”
“Can I help with anything?”
“I think I have everything under control. We have pitchers of water and sweet tea on the table. If you want something else we’ll need to bring it into the dining room.”
“I’m good with water.”
She lifted two bowls and said, “These are the last of it, let’s go.”
She could’ve comfortably fed kings and presidents in her dining room, and I said, “You have a beautiful home,” as I helped the kids into the chairs with the little booster seats in them.
“Thank you,” she said as she stepped back into the kitchen and opened a door to what I assumed was the back yard. “Dad! We’re about to eat!”
She came back in shaking her head. “He’s decided my gutters need cleaning. Hard headed old man. I pay someone to take care of them but apparently he doesn’t think they can wait another three weeks.”
She dished out food for the twins and I made note of the portions she gave them, as well as the fact Declan got green beans but Chloe didn’t.
I looked over the table and my mouth watered at the fried pork chops, fried potatoes, green beans, cornbread, and what I believed were fried green tomatoes.
“You’ve outdone yourself again. Who taught you to cook southern?”
“My grandmother. She’s the reason I’m back in Chattanooga. She was in poor health when I graduated, and I told every company that tried to recruit me if they could move me to Chattanooga then I’d be a loyal employee. Most weren’t interested, but thank goodness one found a way to make it work.”
I wanted to ask how Sandy had ended up in Atlanta, but I didn’t want to talk about the twins’ mom around them.
I heard the Sergeant Major coming in from outside and washing his hands, and I stood and offered to shake his hand as he entered the room. “Hello, Sir. I’d be glad to help with the gutters, lighten the load.”
He shook my hand and said, “I’m nearly done, but thanks for the offer.”
I waited until he sat before I did, and I could tell he took note, though he didn’t say anything. He deserved respect and I had no problem giving it to him — plus, I knew he didn’t want me around his daughter and grandkids, and I wanted that to change.
Dinner conversation was spirited, and I heard exactly what Chloe thought of nasty green beans — and learned each child had a list of five things they didn’t like, and weren’t required to take even a single bite of. Apparently, when they turned six they were going to have to try all of the foods on their list one time to make sure they still didn’t like them, and neither was looking forward to it.
I offered to help clean up, but Connie said if I’d help bring everything to the kitchen, she’d set the kids and me up in there with the Play-Doh on the glass table so we could make stuff while she cleaned. She assured me she’d rather do dishes than play with Play-Doh, so I took her at her word.
I made a wolf, and when they identified it as a dog I didn’t argue. I showed them how to roll the Play-Doh into small hot dog shapes and then stack them to make a bowl, and they did decent with it — though of course I told them they did a fantastic job. For four year olds, they really did, actually.
Connie sat at the island and watched us play when she finished cleaning. I invited her over to play with us, but she shook her head so I gave my undivided attention back to the twins.
They helped clean up our mess when we finished, and put all of the Play-Doh back into the original containers. Connie produced a bin for us to put them all in, and they helped with that, too.
I wondered, again, if they weren’t better off with her than me, but my gut told me they needed to be with their father. No matter how good of a job she was doing with them, I couldn’t let someone else raise my kids without me around. Besides, they were werewolves and it would be my responsibility to teach them control.
“You bought a new car,” she commented as we followed the kids to their room because it was apparently very important I see it.
“Yeah, I’ll need to find out the brand and style of car seats you have, so I can get the same thing.”
“Why’d you choose that particular car?”
“It’s one of the safest vehicles in my price range.”
“You’re full of surprises.”
“Are we going to have a chance to talk?”
“Dad’s going to watch them while you and I go for a ride in a little while. I’d intended on driving you, but if you want to take me for a ride in your new car, I’m good with either.”
We stepped into their room and I froze as I looked around in stunned silence. Chloe’s bed was on one side of the room and looked like a castle. Declan’s was on the other and looked like a tent, open on one side. The room was painted to look like the castle was surrounded by woods, and the tent was in the woods. It was something out of a modern day fairy tale, and it was done so well it should’ve been seen as art. In fact, she’d likely hired an artist to paint the detailed mural on the walls.
I looked at Connie. “They have no idea how lucky they are.”
“I just brought their vision to life. They both love being in the woods, but Chloe also wanted to live in a castle. This made them both very happy.”
“You take them to the woods?”
“Not at first. My dad took them, and then when they kept pestering me about going back, I found a few places I could take them, with trails we can easily navigate and no danger of bears.”
“I’m more at home in the woods than the city, too. I’d love to take them and begin teaching them good habits to practice when in the wild. You’re welcome to come as well, of course. I’ll protect you all from snakes, bears, and anything else that scares you.”
“Let’s hold off just a bit, but I’m game for an outing.” She looked back to the twins who were dragging things out of a huge closet and told them, “One thing. You may bring one thing downstairs to play with.”
Chloe turned to me and said, “Daddy, would you rather have a tea party or play with soldiers?”
I looked at Connie, hoping she’d change it to two things. When she didn’t, I said, “Let’s have a tea party up here, and then we can take the soldiers downstairs to play with. Does that work?”
* * *
Connie and I didn’t leave for our talk for several hours, and I worried as we walked out the door together, but knew I had to do this. I drove her to Harrison Bay State Park and we got out and sat at a picnic table across from each other.
I’d cued up a picture on my phone of my first wife and kids, and handed her my phone.
“This picture was taken a week before my wife was diagnosed with cancer. Five months later, I buried her. A year later I thought I’d found the second love of my life — she was not only perfect for me, but she was great with my kids. I was a skip tracer, so I had guns around. She’d never been taught to handle them so I took her to the range and made sure she knew how to handle them safely and shoot accurately. I kept them locked up because of the kids, but thought she needed access in case there was a problem and I wasn’t home.”
I looked out at the water as I told the hard part. “Her family didn’t tell me about her mental problems. I knew nothing of them until I came home to find both of my kids dead, and barely got out alive myself.”
Somehow, I managed to pull myself away from the story so I could tell it without those damned tears forming again. I pulled my shirt off so she could see the three scars from the bullets I’d taken in the chest, and then put it back on. Werewolves can heal damage, but I’d been human when I was shot. When I was bitten and changed, I came back to the human form I’d had when I’d been turned. However, I was telling this story without the werewolf bits.
“I was in the hospital six weeks, and when I finally got out, my life was just… gone. I got the all-clear to return to normal activity six months later, and I sold everything and decided to hike the Appalachian Trail while I figured o
ut what to do with myself. I made my way from Georgia to the section on the Virginia and West Virginia border, but I was so tired of being around people. I’d expected solitude on the trail but some days it was a fucking freeway of hikers.”
I smelled her grief and had a feeling she hadn’t looked me up to find out my history. I took a fortifying breath and continued. “I left the trail and found some people in West Virginia who welcomed me to stay with them a while if I’d help on their farm. I met Bud — the President of the MC chapter in Atlanta — through them, and now I’m a biker. Someone once told me I’ve found a new family, but this one can protect themselves. If someone pulls a gun on this family, they’ll shoot first.” I shook my head. “I’m terrified for Chloe and Declan, but I know I can’t worry too much or they’ll sense it. I’ll work through it, but I needed you to understand I’ve been a father before, and now that I know I have kids, I have to do right by them.”
She had tears in her eyes as she handed my phone back to me. “I know your daughter’s name was Clara, what was your son’s name?”
“Nicholas, but we called him Nicky or Nick.”
“Clara looked a lot like Chloe, and Nicky…” Her voice broke and she took a breath and swallowed before finishing, “I can easily see Declan looking like him in a few years.”
I nodded agreement. “Clara and Chloe — the names are so similar. I’ll try not to fuck up again but I can’t make promises. I see Chloe, I’m not trying to make her into my Clara, but the names are just so…” I’d cried in front of this woman once and I wasn’t going to do it again. I looked back at the water in an effort to get my emotions under control.
She reached across the weathered table and put her hand on mine, tentatively, as if she thought it might shock her, but then relaxed it on top when she realized it was okay. “I’m so sorry. It must’ve ripped your heart out to see their picture. If I’d known, I’d have approached you differently.”
“Not your fault. I made them. I never go in a puss—” I interrupted myself and started over. This was her sister I was talking about and I needed to try to respect Connie’s feelings. “I never have vaginal intercourse without a condom, but I remember pulling out of Sandy and realizing it had broken.”
She pulled her hand back and her face went red again, and I changed the subject. “I’m surprised Sandy was only with me, but I have to assume she was since she only listed my name. We weren’t an item. She came around for about six weeks, and she gravitated towards me when she did. She was a good lay so I took her up on her offers, but I don’t think we spoke more than a few dozen words to each other every time we were together — which I think was four, maybe five times.”
I smelled her pain as she drew a circle with her finger on the sun-bleached wood of the picnic table. When she finally looked up, tears were close to spilling from her eyes. “Sandy was broken. She was drawn to people who were broken.”
Instead of taking offense at being called broken, I asked, “What broke her?”
“I wish I knew. Even in elementary school she got in more trouble than me, and I was always warning her not to do stuff, which she invariably did anyway. As we grew older, the things she did came with more consequences. Maybe it was because we moved so often, though I managed okay. She had more difficulties making new friends than I seemed to, so she started seeking out the troublemakers and then doing outlandish stuff so they’d accept her. It was always hard to catch up on schoolwork, and after a while I think she just gave up and didn’t care.”
“We’ve both had losses,” I told her. “I want to be part of my kids’ lives, but I want to respect the role you play, too. We may butt heads a little, but I promise you I’ll try my best to be true to myself while doing right by you.”
“As long as they continue to live with me, I think we can work everything else out.”
“I can’t imagine asking for custody right now. This is their home and they’re thriving. I can’t promise I won’t want it at some point in the future, but I’m not interested in disrupting their lives. I need you to let me contribute financially though, for starters.”
I smelled anger, fear, confusion, pain. So many ways she could’ve responded, but she finally said, “My dad leaves Wednesday to go back to Virginia. If you’d like to spend the night either Friday or Saturday night, you’re welcome to stay in the mother-in-law apartment downstairs. That way you can read them a story and tuck them in, and be there in the morning for breakfast. We can plan to do something the next day, though something tells me you won’t want to go to church with us Sunday morning.”
“Let me double-check with Duke and make sure, but we’ll tentatively plan it for Friday night. Perhaps we can take them to Foster Falls on Saturday, and hike into the canyon?”
“I’ve never been there — do you think it’ll be too much for them?”
I grinned. “They’ll be fine, but I’m sure I’ll have to hold your hand.”
She blushed and looked down, but didn’t argue. She looked up a few seconds later and said, “You realize there isn’t going to be anything between us, right?”
“Yeah. We’re from different worlds but we seem to be doing okay so far. When’s the last time you went out on a date?”
“I tried again about a year ago. The time before was my second year of college. Dating isn’t really my thing.”
“Why? You’re a beautiful woman, I’m sure you’ve been asked out?”
“Do you know what asexual means?”
“It means you aren’t interested in sex. You don’t have it with anyone.” Surely not. The mere thought horrified me.
She didn’t say anything, but her face was bright red and I could smell how embarrassed she was.
“Tell me you aren’t a virgin? You’ve at least tried it, right?”
She nodded and I asked, “And you didn’t like it?”
“Not at all.” She was staring at the table, mortified, but she answered. “Some friends told me the first time is never good, but then it gets better, so I tried again about six months later and I still hated every minute of it.” She visibly shuddered. “The guy last year… even holding his hand made me want to run away.”
“How old are you now?”
“Thirty.”
“Second year of college… so you haven’t had sex in ten years?”
Now she looked at me, her gaze holding mine because she was too stubborn to do anything else. “Don’t make me seem like a freak. It’s a choice. It’s my choice.”
“The guy last year — that’d be the one you hit with a lamp?”
She nodded and looked at the water. “His online profile said he was asexual, so we went out a few times with the understanding we both wanted companionship without sex. But then he decided I turned him on and he wanted to see if he wasn’t asexual anymore, and he didn’t stop when I said no.”
“Did you file charges?” I kept my voice soft, though I wanted to find the man and crush his skull.
“I didn’t want my asexual status to come out, and I guess he didn’t want an assault charge. I have the education to be a medical doctor, I just didn’t complete all the final hospital work necessary because that wasn’t my goal. Still, I knew he needed immediate medical attention so I had to call an ambulance. We got our stories straight while we waited. He said he lost his balance and grabbed the lamp, let go of it when he thought he was okay, but then fell anyway and his head hit the lamp when he landed. I’m not sure the officers believed us, but they took our statements and let it go.”
“And then your father took care of him later?”
“I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I asked him about it the other night and he told me he beat the hell out of him about a month later, but concentrated on ribs and body parts so he didn’t risk killing him since the jerk had so recently had a serious concussion.”
Whether her dad liked me or not — I liked him.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel like a freak. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it
. I want to ask how experienced the two men you were with seemed, but you’re uncomfortable enough without my asking more questions.”
“I don’t think it was them. I’m pretty sure it’s me.” She sighed and looked down. “Sandy used to masturbate all the time. Especially when she was using, but when she was sober, too. I accidentally walked in on her a few times and it was like she felt this incredible bliss. The look on her face was as if she were having a spiritual experience. I used to be jealous of her for that.”
“Have you ever tried to pleasure yourself?”
“That’s personal.” She stood and walked a few steps away so I wouldn’t see her red face again, and I gave her a second before I walked to her. She hadn’t lied to me yet, and I noted that even with that question, she didn’t lie. She deflected the question, but the fact she didn’t want to answer told me she’d tried and hadn’t had any luck.
I stood behind her and said, “I’m going to hug you, and you’re going to let me. I hug my brothers in the MC, and I hug some of their wives. One of them recently even kissed me on the cheek. Those hugs and cheek-kisses are between friends and aren’t sexual. Do you trust me to keep our touching on the friend level?”
She nodded, and I turned her around and pulled her into my embrace. She was stiff, at first, but I stayed perfectly still and told her, “Try putting your arms around my neck.”
I was surprised when she did, and even more surprised when a few seconds later she relaxed in my arms and I scented grief — the kind people feel when they’re so lonely they ache. Humans need touch, but I’d seen her hugging and touching the kids, so it wasn’t like she was skin-starved.
But I was embracing her. Protecting her. She was always the one in charge, the one comforting and assuring others.
Connie didn’t know it, but she was a little broken, too. She’s a successful, strong woman… but still a little girl on the inside.
I let her go and didn’t risk kissing her forehead, though I wanted to. “Thank you. I hope you’ll let me do that when we see each other, and when we say goodbye, and anytime one of us just needs a hug.”
Gonzo (Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club Book 7) Page 6