“Gray has been on Cohen during your stay here. There is an event, where her family and friends will be gathering inside a hotel in Aspen to spend time together. A very small amount of time. It was something that Michael Lexington negotiated. Don’t ask how or why, this is where you will slip back in because we need a lot of security. More than I’m happy about, but this was part of the deal we made. I’m not sure what to expect.”
It’s been so long since I’ve seen her that I’m starting to forget what her voice sounds like. Save for the virtual Presley moaning in my fucking ear, I haven’t spoken to her to know how she’s doing. “Is… Cohen doing well?”
This garners a wary look. “She is.”
“She was upset when I last had contact.”
“Gray is handling her case with ease.” I bet he is. A pang of jealousy tears through my chest. I should be with her.
“When is the event in Aspen?” I ask.
He leans back in his chair and props his feet on the desk. It’s the most relaxed I’ve seen him in months. “Tomorrow. I’ll fly you to Aspen in the morning. Having you reintroduced in a neutral territory is the best way to go about this.” Cleared. Thank fuck. Escape is imminent. “There will be more reports you’ll have to do at night’s end. One will be for me with a psychology evaluation and your usual nightly reports. I need you to be honest with me, Nate. This is uncharted territory.”
I nod. “I know.”
He tells me there is another check-out test and pushes a tablet to me. I have to respond to about thirty more intrusive questions. I’m almost done rating my sexual desires when the doc says, “There is one more thing I need you to do.”
His face changes and worry creases his brow. “Okay? What is it?”
He presses a button that casts his voice to the offices. “Bring her in,” he says.
My mind raced, and my heart thumps jaggedly as I try to figure out who it could be. He buzzes in Raya, and she pushes her way through the double doors to the training arena. I recognize her long, flowing hair and the set of her eyes. “What is this?” I ask, losing my breath. “What do you want me to do?” I speak before she’s close enough to hear. It’s been years since I’ve seen her. There has been zero contact. I don’t know if she’s married, if she has kids, hell I wasn’t sure if she was alive.
“We need to test something, Nate and this was the only way.”
I exhale. “What do you need to test exactly?”
“No simulations. Real life. We used Raya in your first programming, and I need to know if you’re still immune to her now after this more elaborate training session.” His gaze darts to Raya and he looks quickly away. “You need to have sex with her. Or try to.”
I laugh. “You’re not fucking serious, are you?” There’s no way. This is not in a protocol in any form. The female doctor rushes in and guides Raya to a room off to the side. It’s a fish tank with mirrored walls that she can’t see out of, but everyone on the outside can view in. There’s a bed. “You’re serious.”
He nods. “If you want to leave the facility, we need to know how much of a liability you are to the program. You’ll be surrounded by Charge Men who will be watching when you’re in Aspen. This is nothing to joke about, I’m afraid. It wasn’t my first choice, but Raya was willing because she wanted to talk to you, and there is no better way to test this out.” Raya was willing? That’s another surprise.
“This is fucking insane. If I’m going to be watched in Aspen, why does it matter what happens here today?”
“An extra layer of precaution, Nate. Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just go in there and tell me if you feel anything. It can be that simple. Raya was told very little about the circumstances, only that we wanted you two to meet again to see if a relationship was possible after all these years. She admitted you were her first love and she was curious. We decided it was too easy and would be best to gauge if this training is becoming obsolete or if it’s holding solid.” He hesitates. “And maybe it would be able to tell us if what you feel, I mean felt, for Presley is… real. Perhaps we’re being too stringent with regard to sexual relations and they’re needed to keep steadfast focus. There are a lot of moving parts and I’m asking that you trust me.”
My face is red and the anger seeping out is blistering. If I wasn’t sure if I was a guinea pig before, now I’m officially a fucking lab rat. Standing without another word, I swagger into the freezing fishbowl room and slam the door behind me. Raya is sitting on the bed, knees pulled up into a ball. Her face is just as sweet as I remember. Like a sunny day, a smattering of freckles ride across her nose and cheekbones. She’s aged well. While she resembled a twenty-year-old when I last saw her in simulation, now she looks her age. My age. I wait for her to say something, but she continues staring, gaze blistering as she sizes me up. Probably doing the same thing I’m doing, trying to pinpoint the things that have changed, and those that stayed the same.
“Why did you come here, Raya?” My voice is terse. I can’t control the rage that they’re now bringing others into this mess. She had to be read in, sign a nondisclosure, and will have her every move watched for the rest of her life. Just for being attached to me for ten minutes. “You didn’t have to come.”
“I wanted to,” she says, a small voice echoing the room. I’m sure there are several doctors seated outside with clipboards and tablets, calculating and analyzing our every move. “Nate,” she says, breathing out heavily, “I’ve missed you so much and had no idea how you’ve been. I wanted to talk to you.” Raya glances at the glass behind me. “Guess this was the only way. I tried to ask your parents once, but they told me you weren’t reachable.”
My heart skips a beat. Not because I feel anything for the woman sitting in front of me, because of the possibility I gave up and didn’t even know. Raya thought about me. If I had known that all these years it might have changed something. Or maybe it wouldn’t have.
I don’t know how much I’m allowed to tell her about why she’s here. “I’m sorry for being shit at keeping in touch. Now you know why, I guess. How have you been?”
“Okay, I left an abusive relationship last year and have been figuring life out.” I sigh. That’s no good, and it pisses me off. Not just from a Charge Man perspective, from the perspective as a man who once cared about her. “No one ever treated me as kindly as you did, Nate.” She stands up and walks toward me. “I call you the one who got away to my friends.” Thank God, she stops before she’s in my airspace. Coldren might have a heart attack if he thinks I’m not immune to her. “Do you feel that way about me?”
I’m sweating. Literally. Droplets are running down the sides of my face. If I was hooked up to a polygraph, I’d be striking lines all over the place. I’m not sure how to fake this, what will give me a passing score? “Raya, we had a wonderful time. We were kids back then. My life is devoted to something else now.” Someone else. “I do think of you fondly.” That’s safe, I think. Plus, it gives her something. She looks hopeful tinged with sadness. Rejection is inevitable, she can sense it.
“Fondly,” she deadpans. “You think of me fondly? We took each other’s virginity. You told me you were in love with me. That I could always call you no matter what happened in life.” She bites her lip to keep it from trembling. “You literally disappeared. It was like you no longer existed—like maybe I was going crazy and you never really existed. That’s how I felt. You didn’t even say goodbye.” My gaze locks with hers and my stomach flips.
“I had nothing to do with that. Well, my decisions had something to do with that, but it’s just the way things work when you do my… job.” I clear my throat. “I’m sorry, Raya.”
“At least I finally get closure if I’m not getting anything else.”
I furrow my brow. “What did you think was going to happen here today? Honestly? In this glass box where strangers are watching your every move. Did you think we were going to fuck once more for old times’ sake?” Raya smi
rks. “I’m serious. I don’t know what they told you about me or why I’m here or what they hope to accomplish, but as nice and pretty as you are, this ain’t it.” I motion between our bodies with one hand.
“You haven’t changed one bit, have you? Still grumpy and stuck in your ways. Everything according to plan?”
Not everything, I think, or I wouldn’t be here. “I’m trying to get back on the job is all.” I turn back to the glass. “I don’t want to fuck her. Pretty sure we’re good to go.” It was an asshole thing to say, but they’re cornering me, and the only thing that matters to me is just out of reach. I turn back to Raya. “Listen, I’m sorry you came all the way down here. I am still stuck in my ways, and I stand by my decisions.”
She lunges forward unexpectedly and wraps her arms around my waist. I remain still, keeping my arms by my sides. “You don’t want me?”
Resting my chin on top of her head, I say, “I don’t want anyone, Raya. Don’t take it personally.”
She backs away from me, eyes curious. “You shouldn’t make promises to people, Nate. With you, you’ll only hurt.”
Backing away, slowly, I shake my head. “We’re talking about promises made before I even knew who I was.”
“And who are you now? I know who you were then, but you’re unrecognizable today. Who are you?”
Gazing longingly through the glass, I will them to unlock and open these doors. The silence is deafening. “I’m Nate Sullivan and I protect.”
Raya winces. “You’re a son. You used to be a friend. You’re the guy who walked three miles in the rain to bring me a two-liter bottle of root beer because I told you it was the only thing that would fix my upset stomach. You loved dogs and kayaking. You did that stupid monkey dance when you scored a touchdown. Nate, you were the man everyone went to when they needed help with something. You fixed things. Sure, you were grumpy and set in your ways, but you always put other people before yourself.” I still do. Just on a different level. “Do you remember when we went away to the beach for a night and you went through all that trouble to set up the hotel room with rose petals and candles to make the night special? Then the AC broke so you spent two hours filling the Jacuzzi bathtub with ice cubes from the small machine in the hallway?”
I’d forgotten. There are so many things I don’t recall now that romance and relationships aren’t part of my life. I smile. “I do remember that. Then I froze my balls off sitting in it.”
“It was the heat of summer!” she exclaims. “We were the only ones cool in that whole hotel.” A weird pang rips through my chest. The realization I no longer have these memories without being reminded gives me pause.
I swallow hard. “I was sort of suave, wasn’t I?” At Raya’s laugh, my smile vanishes. “That was a long time ago.”
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. I’m sure this life you’ve chosen or decided on is fine, but Nate, remember who the hell you are. You were a good human. We were good together, and you never would have turned me down this hard back then.”
Exhaling, I close my eyes. “I had to change to live the life I wanted.”
“Why would you want this life? Look at where you’re at. How long have you been locked up here?”
“I was just back home visiting my family. It’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be.”
She walks over the door, her feet making a slapping noise against the stone floor. “Because your cousin almost died. I know. What do you want? A medal or a chest to pin it on?”
I cough, raising my brows. “And you haven’t changed at all either. So beautiful you can hide sarcasm with lipstick.”
She holds up one finger. “And wash it off when I need to use it. It’s not always hidden.”
“I can tell.”
Raya holds up her hand in what must be the sign to release her from this box. “Just don’t get so caught up in your day job that you forget what life is really about.”
The door unlocks with a loud click and she leaves. Coldren comes in a few moments later and I watch as the other doctor leads Raya out of the lab and into the hallway. I’m immediately jealous that she’s warm and away from here. That I’m stuck here facing a man who doesn’t give a shit about me as a person. “That went well,” Coldren growls. “Better than I expected. Are you okay?”
My bottom lip trembles. “You blindsided me with my past, a past you helped erase, and you’re wondering if I’m okay? I need to go to fucking sleep. Get out of my way.” I hit his shoulder on my way by, nearly knocking him over. No one tries to stop me, and someone buzzes me into my chambers. I’m still being watched, I’m always being watched, but at least I can have my bed. I let the robe fall off and crawl into the king-size bed and pull the white, sterile, covers over my head.
I don’t fall asleep right away, no, that would be a relief. Instead, I stew with the knowledge that whatever I felt for Raya long ago wasn’t even a fraction of what I feel for Presley, and I get to see her tomorrow. While several dozen men watch my every move.
Fuck. I think of her knee.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Presley
Grant Barringer holds out the tray of cocaine. I eye the camera, blinking red, in the corner of the hotel room warily. Gray said he doesn’t care what I do as long as I stay alive. He takes the less is more approach when acting as my bodyguard. The suite is large, shiny, and clean. If I spent twenty-four hours with every cleaning product known to man, I’d never be able to get my trailer this clean. It wasn’t this clean when it was brand new, I think. “Oh, come on, Preppy,” Grant says, tone nasal. “Your bodyguard doesn’t care if you have a little fun.”
“I still can’t believe they let his whole thing happen. I feel like I’ve been in prison myself.” Aspen is not Gold Hawke. It’s flashy. It’s money. It has everything that reminds me of my old life.
He does this gurgle laugh thing that makes me wince. It sounds like he needs to clear his throat, but doesn’t know how. After the third time, I’d like to clear his fucking throat for him. “I told you baby, I’d make it happen.”
“You didn’t make this happen, Grant.” He takes credit for everything. Everything. “My dad did.” The hotel is crawling with Charge Men. It pisses me off because I catch my heart in my throat when I see the back of a black suit. They’re all built tall and muscular, and they all resemble Nate. Fucking Nate Sullivan. I could gut him like a fish for what he’s done to me. Grant is a playboy jerkface, but I expect that from him. Nate, though? He caught me with a kindness I didn’t know existed. “I don’t want cocaine right now.” Cocaine doesn’t make you forget like alcohol does. I grab a bottle of Pappy and pour four fingers. This night can only end one way and it’s not something I’m excited about. I relish the burn of the alcohol sliding down my throat.
Grant is the person who helped me get the medicine for Felix to save his life. He is the supplier, the man pulling all the strings with the singular underground prescription ring. Grant Barringer took the travesty of the situation my father caused and turned it into a fortune. You might as well call him God. He has the ability to control who lives and who dies. I think he made a deal with my father, or is communicating with him in some way, but I don’t want to know. It’s already dangerous that I owe him. I didn’t have cash to pay him, so, well, the deal was this—tonight. Him partying in my hotel room for the entire night. A small price to pay for a human life, but fucking annoying all the same. I look at Grant and think of all of the times he cheated on me with Charity—the gaslighting. He never cared about me in anyway. That’s the crux of it, now. I know what it feels like to have someone care for me so desperately they’d lay down their life. Even if that is a Charge Man’s job, I know it was different with Nate because now Gray is here and that man gives no shits about anything.
Spinning the glass in my hand, I let my gaze flick to the camera before tipping my head back to drain the rest of the expensive liquid. It tastes better now because I have a new appreciation
for all the things I once took for granted. Grant is stumbling around the room, debating if he wants to go swimming. “We’re not leaving the room, Grant. They’ll have to trail us and watch our every move. It’s not worth it. Fill up the bathtub and go swimming or something.” I’m flippant.
He clears his throat. Thank God. “Taking a pretty bitchy attitude with me, aren’t you? You better step in line after what I did for you. Or have you already forgotten?” I didn’t give him many details, because he didn’t care enough to listen, but he knows I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t for someone close to me. “Should I stop the automatic delivery and let your friend waste away?”
My neck is warm to the touch as I clasp it with my free hand. “No, Grant. I’m sorry.” The words are barely audible, but he hears. The grin he flashes, victorious.
“Speaking of, you could join me in the bathtub and we can kick off your payback.”
“Nothing is free, huh?” I muse to myself. “Sure, Grant. Whatever you want. You should call Charity in while we’re at it. Make it a real party.”
I regret the joke as soon as I say it because Grant looks like he’s contemplating it. “I’m joking. That was not part of the deal.”
The booze bottle is next to me on a nightstand, so I grab it and take it into the bathroom with my glass. Grant watches me refilling it. “You don’t want to do this.”
Rolling my eyes, I fill my glass to the top. “What gave you that idea?”
“One would assume you’d miss me after living in that fucking trailer park surrounded by inbred mountain folk.”
I seethe, grinding my teeth together. “You don’t even know those people. Don’t talk shit.” Swallowing a few sips, I wait for the spins, hoping they take me down so I won’t have to remember any of this night. Let him do with me what he wants. Nothing matters anymore. I don’t belong anywhere.
The Love You Hate: A Charge Man Novel (The Charge Men Series Book 1) Page 19