Blue Ink

by Tess Thompson

  I should tell them both, not just Ciaran. Saving him from the torture of telling Bliss was the least I could do. “I have something I need to tell you guys. You better sit down.”

  Bliss sank into the couch and yawned. Ciaran sat next to her as I took the chair.

  They both looked so fatigued I almost turned back around and drove home. How did one share this kind of news?

  “What is it?” Ciaran asked with a hint of impatience. His brown eyes had lost their humor and playfulness.

  I swallowed and began. “Before she died, Felicity told Charlotte the truth about Isabel’s father. She was delirious from the morphine, but her last words to Charlotte were fairly clear.” I’d save the part Moonstone played in this until later the conversation. “She wasn’t conceived via a sperm donor. Ciaran, she said you’re Isabel’s father.”

  “What did you say?” Ciaran blinked, like he wondered if he were seeing visions.

  “It appears that the last time you were together, before you met Bliss, she got pregnant,” I said.

  “Oh, God,” Ciaran said. “But we used a condom. I always did.”

  “Sometimes they break,” I said. “Or sometimes people poke holes in them. Charlotte believes she did it on purpose.”

  Ciaran had turned gray. He pressed his fingers against his mouth like he might be sick. “Yes, the last time we were together was right before I met Bliss. I was in the city for the weekend and ran into her at a charity function.”

  “Does the math work?” I asked.

  “Yes. I suppose it does,” Ciaran said.

  “Why wouldn’t she have told him?” Bliss asked. “Why now?”

  I shared with them Mother and Charlotte’s theory. “It seemed she wanted Isabel to be part of Ciaran’s life, but not you, Bliss.”

  “Let me get this straight.” Bliss’s eyes snapped with such force I could practically hear them crackle. “She wanted her near Ciaran but didn’t want me raising her? Is that what’re you’re saying?”

  “That’s what we think, yes.”

  “Did she know about Rori?” Ciaran asked.

  “No. She had no idea.” I hadn’t seen Felicity since before we discovered the truth about who Rori’s father was.

  “We might have repeated the same pattern,” Bliss said.

  “Except we all know Isabel isn’t mine,” I said. “But yes, we would never have known the truth.”

  “Should we do a DNA test?” Bliss asked.

  “Sure, to be certain. Also, Moonstone came by this morning.” I shared the details of what she saw.

  “I remember,” Ciaran said. “She wouldn’t stop texting me and I’d just met Bliss. I told her I’d met someone and blocked her.”

  “Felicity learned about the cancer when she was pregnant,” I said. “And must’ve decided to raise her alone.”

  “But then realized she was dying,” Bliss said. “And came up with the idea of you.”

  “That’s right,” I said.

  Ciaran stared straight ahead.

  “Ciaran?” I asked. “You all right?”

  He blinked, like he hadn’t remembered there were other people in the room. “What do we do here?” He turned to his wife. “Bliss, what do I do?”

  Bliss took his hand. “She’s your daughter.”

  “Baby, I’m sorry. I had no idea. This was before you. Before I knew what love is.”

  “I know, honey. It’s going to be fine. We’ll work it out.” The reassuring tone of Bliss’s voice didn’t match the look of terror in her eyes. I knew what she must be thinking. How could they take another baby on when their infant daughter was only weeks old and wouldn’t stop crying?

  “I can send Effie over to help with the transition,” I said. “She’s really good with Isabel and knows everything about babies. We’ll help you hire a nanny. Charlotte’s a good judge of character. We’ll find someone great.”

  “Yes, we’ll need help,” Bliss said. “Is she an easy baby?”

  I smiled, thinking of Isabel’s little grin. “She’s very flexible and totally sweet. The nanny she had was very good. She goes down at night without a fuss.”

  “That poor, desperate women,” Bliss said. “How excruciating it must have been to leave her.”

  “Will you have Charlotte bring her over?” Ciaran asked. “I want to meet her.”

  “She’s already on the way.”

  As if on cue, the doorbell rang. I sprinted to the door. Charlotte stood there with Isabel on her hip. “You guys ready?”

  “It’s still sinking in, I think. But they want to meet her.”

  I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see my brother with tears in his eyes. Charlotte stepped into the house. Isabel smiled when she saw me and clapped her hands. Ciaran drew closer, his gazed fixed on his daughter.

  “She’s beautiful,” Ciaran said. “Would she let me hold her?”

  “She might,” Charlotte said. “If she fusses, I’ll take her back.”

  He held out his arms. “Hello, Isabel. I’m your daddy.”

  She smiled and babbled something. I could swear it was dada.

  I glanced at Charlotte. From her wide eyes, I guessed she’d heard the same thing.

  Charlotte handed Isabel over to Ciaran. “Here you go, Daddy.”

  “Hello, doll,” Ciaran said.

  Isabel smiled as big as the sun as Bliss came to stand beside them.

  “She’s so pretty,” Bliss said. “She reminds me of my niece at that age. She had gold curls too.”

  I caught Charlotte’s eye. With a tilt of her chin, she indicated we should go outside and give them time alone.

  “We’ll go out for a little walk and come back in a few minutes,” Charlotte said.

  They nodded, absently, too enthralled with Isabel to take much notice of us.

  A trail led into the woods adjacent to Ciaran’s house. Charlotte took the lead, with me following closely behind, enjoying the curve of her calves. I told her of my conversation with Ciaran and Bliss and how they had immediately made the decision to take Isabel. “I knew they would,” I said. “But still, it was impressive how they didn’t hesitate.”

  “Bliss is taking it hard,” Charlotte said. “I can see it in her eyes.”

  I agreed that I’d sensed the same.

  “But it’s impossible not to love Isabel,” she said.

  I nodded. “They will make a wonderful family for her.”

  “Bliss told me she wanted more babies, but didn’t think it would happen, given her age,” I said.

  “Why did everything work out except for Felicity?” I asked.

  “There’s no answer to that question.”

  We came out of the woods to the meadow where Ciaran and Bliss snowshoe in the winter. Today, tall grasses swayed gracefully in the breeze. Wildflowers were dashes of colors, scattered in between. Above us, a cloudless Idaho sky promised a warm afternoon.

  “We’re free, Charlotte.”

  We clasped hands.

  “Is it wrong I feel relieved?” I asked.

  “No, I don’t think so. We had prepared ourselves for an instant family. We would have stepped up. We had stepped up. But knowing we can take our time and enjoy each other for a few more years feels pretty good.”

  I played with the engagement ring on her finger. “We’ll have a family, but for now I’ll keep you all to myself. I’ve waited a long time for you to come,” I said. “And now that you’re here, I can’t remember the time before you.”

  “Soulmates.”

  “Soulmates.” I kissed her. The hawk above did one final swoop and disappeared into the shadow of Blue Mountain.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Charlotte

  * * *

  I found Bliss outside on the patio. She sat with her arms crossed over her chest, staring at Blue Mountain. Light green needles at the end of the firs’ branches displayed the new growth that had come since my arrival in Idaho.

  “Hey,” I said. “You need anything?”

&
nbsp; She lifted her face toward me. Tears glistened in her lashes. “Just taking a moment.”

  I sat in the chair next to her. The sun hovered just above the mountain, casting shadows across the yard. A blue jay squawked from the tall fir tree next to the patio. “What can I do?”

  “That’s you, always asking how you can help. It made you a great assistant and a great friend. It’ll make you a great wife and mother.”

  I settled back into the chair. “I’ve learned since I’ve been here that sometimes there’s nothing to be done to help another person.” I sighed as a gentle breeze brought the scent of fir. I imagined it was the smell of the shiny new growth.

  “Did I ever tell you about my mother?” Bliss asked.

  “I didn’t even know you had a sister until that day you fell and hurt your head,” I said.

  “So, I guess that’s a no?” A weary smile lifted the corners of her mouth.

  “What was she like?”

  “Not like yours,” Bliss said. “Blythe was more of a mother to me than our real mother. Our mom was always about herself instead of us. I always figured I was the same, not cut out for motherhood. I loved being Auntie Bliss to the girls, but that was easy. In and out, bring gifts and tell funny stories. None of the hard stuff. Then I met Ciaran and everything inside me changed. Suddenly, I was split wide open with this overwhelming love I felt for him. I wanted to make a family with him. When I found out I was pregnant, Ciaran was thrilled. For me though, all those old feelings came rushing back. What if I was like my mother? What if I didn’t have the qualities needed to love a child? But when I looked into Carmen’s eyes for the first time, I knew. This was exactly what I was made to do. I was made to love Carmen Riona Lanigan with everything I am. But this—loving someone else’s child—what if this is something only women like my sister or you can do?”

  “You’re the type of woman who can do anything,” I said.

  “Not when it comes to matters of the heart. That’s you and Blythe. Loving stray cats and stray people, even those no one else can love, is like breathing to you. I’m not that way.”

  “You brought a homeless man and his three-legged dog to Thanksgiving in Idaho. Your heart’s big enough for this baby. Give it a little time. You’re still in shock.”

  “I’ve never been good with surprises,” she said.

  “This is one heck of a surprise. Go easy on yourself.”

  “She’s an innocent child who needs parents to love her unconditionally. Here I am, healthy and more than capable of taking on the child of a woman who lost her life. I’m the one with Ciaran. I should be grateful. Instead, I feel confused and frightened and completely out of my element. I don’t understand how this happened. Or why.”

  “All that’s completely normal. I’ve struggled to understand how God could let that little girl’s mother die. I don’t know why some of us get to stay longer than others. I don’t know the answers. But I know one thing. No mother could wish for a better woman than you to raise her daughter.”

  “She didn’t want me to,” Bliss said. “She lied to Ardan to make sure I didn’t raise her daughter. How am I supposed to look that little girl in the eye knowing that?”

  “Because Felicity wasn’t in her right mind. Jealousy made her act irrationally.”

  “I have to do this for Ciaran,” Bliss said. “I don’t know how to do that without feeling resentful.”

  “What Ardan and I have together—what you and Ciaran have—makes sacrifice for the other seem less like sacrifice and more of an act of love.” I shared with her about the letters between the long-ago lovers. “What he gave up in order to be with her was great, yet he never questioned it. He never looked back. From then on, his world was her world.”

  “It’s true I would do anything for that man,” she said.

  “You would, and you will.” I smiled. “I have a little secret. I’ve already fallen a little in love with Isabel. She’s going to giggle her way right into your heart.”

  “What if I can’t forget who she came from and why?”

  “You have to. For Ciaran. And for that sweet little girl. Anyway, I’m not worried. I know how brave and clever and tenacious you are. Look what you’ve done with your life so far.”

  “Nothing prepared me for this,” she said.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. Everything that came before prepared you for this very moment. All the struggles and triumphs made you the exact woman to raise Isabel. She’s your destiny, just as Ciaran was. The same woman who took in a homeless man and his three-legged dog—a woman who called her former assistant to come to Idaho simply because her friend had a vision—is a woman who can fall in love with a motherless baby.”

  She reached over and squeezed my hand as the sun disappeared behind Blue Mountain. “Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we could be the person others think we are?”

  “I do.” I thought of my sweet Ardan and how he made me see my own beauty every time he looked at me. “Sometimes it takes another’s view of us to see the truth of who we really are.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Charlotte

  * * *

  The presence of Teagan and Christopher had helped to purge some of the sadness from the house after we lost Felicity. Although her time with us had been short, we were all deeply shaken by her arrival in our lives and subsequent abrupt exit from this world to the next. Ardan and Mrs. Lanigan and Effie had seemed to move on more easily than I. After we let Felicity’s ashes drift into the swimming hole as she’d asked, I could see the burden lift from Ardan’s shoulders. He was ready to move on to the next chapter of our life. Mrs. Lanigan was focused on repairing her relationship with her children and grandchildren.

  During the days, I faked it well, busy with plans for the wedding. Effie and Teagan had taken on the project with great zeal. Teagan insisted on designing and making my dress. Effie had every detail of the wedding planned, including food, flowers, music.

  Christopher was a ray of light. The sound of his footsteps running through the house and shouts of glee while playing in the pool should have brought me joy. Especially given that his companionship had brought Mrs. Lanigan even more to life. He’d convinced her to venture into the shallow end of the pool. The water felt good to her old bones, she’d told him, igniting his chivalrous nature. Each day they did their “grandmother” exercises together, which comprised of laps walking around the shallow end while chatting about trucks, dogs, video games, and soccer.

  My parents had called earlier to say they would arrive tomorrow afternoon. Normally, I would have been excited. Instead, I felt bad. Why did I have so much, including my parents, when Felicity was dead, and Bliss was still reeling from the addition of another child in her life?

  If that wasn’t bad enough, my agent called. By some miracle, she’d sold books two and three of my Luci series. I was marrying the man of my dreams at the end of the summer. I should be dancing jigs down the hallway.

  Instead, I had fallen into a heavy case of survivor’s guilt. I couldn’t write. I woke in the middle of the night thinking I heard Felicity’s oxygen machine, only to discover it was the wind. I’d started dreaming of Roberta again, reliving that awful day in various nightmarish versions of a recurring dream where I tried to save her but couldn’t.

  Once again, I’d survived when my peer had to go.

  I knew Ardan and Mrs. Lanigan sensed my moroseness but weren’t sure what to do.

  The night before my parents arrived, Teagan and Christopher had gone to Kevan and Blythe’s for dinner. It was just the three of us, like old times. I hadn’t told either of them about the books, even though I’d gotten the news yesterday. I’d wanted to tell them together, but somehow it hadn’t yet felt right.

  We’d finished eating, although I hadn’t done much but move my food around my plate.

  “Sweetie, we’re worried about you,” Ardan said.

  “Against our better judgment, we’ve decided to play armchair shrink,” Mrs.
Lanigan said.

  I teared up and pretended to examine the bottom of the salad bowl.

  “You’re guilty because everything you’ve ever wanted is happening,” she said. “Perfectly understandable, given the loss of your friend when you were young.”

  “My agent sold books two and three.” I blurted this out, then burst into tears.

  Stunned silence met me from either side of the table.

  Ardan recovered first. “Sweetie, that’s incredible.”

  “Finally, that twit comes through,” Mrs. Lanigan said.

  “Why me?” I sobbed. “Why do I get it all? Wonderful parents? This deep friendship with you, Mrs. Lanigan? And now a book deal when I’m about to marry someone with gobs of money? And mostly, you, Ardan. I am marrying the love of my life and I’m so happy and yet there’s so much sadness. Roberta’s dead. Felicity’s dead. Bliss has a baby she doesn’t want. Mrs. Lanigan, you’ve struggled so.”

  “For heaven’s sake,” Mrs. Lanigan said. “Don’t you know by now we don’t have any idea why these things happen? Our job isn’t to know the answers. You two hippies have been telling me that for months now. We’re supposed to take it as it comes and lean into the darn mystery. Isn’t that what you told me?”

  I started laughing through my tears. “I might have said something like that.”

  “My love,” Ardan got up from his chair and knelt next to mine. “Has it ever occurred to you that you deserve good things because you’ve been so good to others?”

  “Like cranky old ladies, for example,” Mrs. Lanigan said.

  “And manipulative, albeit dying, young ladies,” Ardan said. “No one I’ve ever known has a bigger heart than you.”

  “Or worked harder,” Mrs. Lanigan said.

  “Or taken leaps of faith and looked at challenges as a possibility for something better rather than an inevitable acceptance of doom,” Ardan said.

  “But here’s the thing,” I said. “If good things happen because we’re good, then why don’t bad things only happen to bad people? And we all know that’s not true.”