Admittedly there was some shouting.
“Long live the visitors! Thank you!”
The foreign visitors came out on the balcony and bowed and said thank you too.
And then each went his own way, back home or for a walk.
Kaytek goes to Teatralny Square.** He’s accosted by a blind man wearing blue glasses.
“Escort me across the road, young man, because I can hardly see.”
Kaytek takes him by the arm and carefully leads him across. Then the man says, “Here, have some chocolate.”
It’s the same kind of chocolate as in the little bags under his pillow. And it tastes just the same.
So he eats it. Then he looks around. The town hall clock is striking one, but the shops are only just opening. He remembers Professor Pootle’s lecture. Suddenly he thinks: I’ll change all the names on the store signs.
This store can be called Dangler’s. This one can be Gewgaws and Co., that one’s Butterfingers and Sons, that’s Mongrel and Hogsnout, that’s Kelly Smelly, that’s Nopants, and that’s Cockadoodledooson.
At once, instead of the familiar, respected names, funny ones appear on all the store signs. But that’s not enough for Kaytek. He changes the stores too. There’s going to be even more chaos.
On the corner of the square he changes the bank into a fruit store. Instead of money, now there are pears, apples, and plums in the window display. There are nuts, bananas, and grapes on the bank clerks’ desks.
Not far from the bank there’s a well-known pharmacy.
Let there be birds, monkeys, and goldfish inside it now.
At once you can hear canaries singing on the counters and in the pharmacy jars. Where there used to be cough medicine, now there are tortoises lumbering about, and where the ointment for cuts and bruises used to be, there are humming birds.
And there’s a monkey sitting in a locked cabinet for poisons, making faces.
Opposite the pharmacy there’s an old store – it’s an ironmonger’s. There used to be knives, forks, and tools for carpentry and gardening in the windows, as well as ice boxes, scythes, scales, typewriters and razors. Kaytek changes this place into a candy store. And he puts signs in the windows saying: “Special offer! A free cake for every school student!”
Instantly the rascals start flocking into the store.
“A sponge cake please.”
“I want one with cream!”
“I want one with jam!”
The store assistants don’t know what to do. They’re wondering what’s going on, and the owner says: “You’d better sell them the cakes.”
“But in the windows it says they’re free.”
“Too bad, we’ll just have to give them away, if that’s what it says. There must be some explanation for all this.”
Kaytek pulls his hat down over his eyes and turns up his collar for shame, then goes to see what’s happening at the other stores.
Outside the bank there’s a crowd of people.
“Give us our money! We refuse to be cheated! Stop messing with us!”
The bank manager implores them and tries to explain:
“Please calm down, ladies and gentlemen. We’re going to open the fireproof safe and the strong room. The cashier isn’t here yet. As you know, the clocks have gone wrong.”
“So send for the cashier. How long will we have to stand here?”
“So you don’t get bored, in the meantime we’re handing out fruit – whatever we have, you’re welcome to it. It’ll be served on trays in just a moment. I’m sending the messenger to the store across the way for some trays.”
“There aren’t any trays in there – it’s Dangler’s candy store now.”
“Well, you can see for yourselves, ladies and gentlemen. Would you like some plums?”
“We want oranges!”
“Excellent. Get a move on, bank clerks, the customers are waiting.”
The clerks are up in arms.
“We’re not young ladies whose job is to trade in fruit.”
Then the cashier arrives. He opens the safe. But there’s nothing in it except figs.
People start screaming and making threats – there’s quite a fuss.
It’s no better at the jeweler’s.
“Excuse me, is the owner here?”
“Yes, I am. Right here.”
“Mr. Nopants?”
“What’s that? I’ll teach you to be funny!”
“I’m not being funny. I’m the agent for a horticultural firm. Please take a look at your own store sign.”
The jeweler, a well-educated man, goes outside the store, reads the sign and curses so hideously that I cannot write what he said in a book for young people, or I’ll set a bad example.
The sign announced:
Nopants and Co.
Tulip and marzipan store.
Roses big and small.
Teensy tartan pansies.
Ding-dong. Hey-ho.
And just then, in comes the lady baroness.
“What’s going on in here? I left my valuable pearls with you. Hand them over at once.”
“Your Grace, I have nothing but flowers.”
The baroness falls in a faint.
The poor jeweler runs to the pharmacy.
“Mr. Pharmacist, please give me some drops to calm the nerves.”
“There aren’t any.”
“But the baroness has fallen sick.”
“I couldn’t care less.”
“If you’re going to refuse to save people, I’m going to fetch the police.”
And they start squabbling. Because whenever people are upset, instead of helping each other, they start hurling insults.
So they keep squabbling, while a parrot swings in an empty castor oil jar and shouts: “Stupid, stupid!”
And from a small jar of hair restorer, a little green frog hops onto the pharmacist’s sweaty head.
It looks as if Kaytek has caused enough chaos. But he hasn’t. Just then he sees a dog chasing a cat.
Let’s have a fight between all the cats and dogs in the city, right here in the square, he thinks.
And that’s the final straw.
The cats come racing in from Wierzbowa Street, and the dogs from Senatorska Street. They start biting and scratching. There’s a big rough-and-tumble, with lots of barking, squealing, meowing, and yelping.
Some people run for it, others simply stand and stare.
“Fifi, Fido, King, Pluto, heel!”
And Kaytek thinks: Make the dogs blue and the cats red.
And so it is.
The city council officials are standing in the windows watching.
“Get the firefighters to disperse them with water.”
The firefighters fit rubber hoses to the hydrants.
By my will and my power I demand that some green monkeys come and restore order, thinks Kaytek.
At once the monkeys appear, as if they’ve jumped into the very middle of the fight, and break it up.
The cats run off down Bielanska Street and the dogs up Senatorska.
The foreign visitors have arrived in cars to watch through binoculars.
“What a jolly city this is,” says a rich man known as the Ship and Railroad King.
And he turns to his secretary and says: “We must have all this described in our newspapers. Rich people who are feeling bored are sure to come here to see all these curious things.”
Kaytek puts the stores and the clocks in order and sets off toward the bridge. He heads across Castle Square and down the slope toward the river.
He used to love watching the ships sailing by here, and the sand dredgers on their flat canoes, digging up gravel using buckets attached to long poles.
Today the ships seem small and dirty,
and the River Vistula sailors don’t look interesting.
I demand, I command: let there be proper sea here and huge liners.
This time Kaytek gets what he deserves.
An invisible hand seizes him by the scruff of the neck, and an invisible foot gives him an almighty kick.
If Kaytek hadn’t been blinded by his own power, he’d have had to admit he deserved that punishment.
He wanted there to be sea. He never stopped to think that the sea would flood the city and the countryside, and there would be a bigger disaster than the biggest flood and earthquake ever. He could have plunged half of Poland into the ocean.
But instead of being grateful that his command hasn’t been fulfilled and accepting his sentence humbly, Kaytek is offended, and fixes the evil eye on Poniatowski Bridge.***
Make the bridge stand upright! he thinks.
As if not Kaytek, but the bridge were to blame.
The spell works. The bridge starts to rise, but luckily very slowly, or everyone on it would drown or be killed. Not a single horse and not a single person would be left alive, because at once they’ve all fallen over and gone spinning, and the cars have rolled downward. No one has been killed, but lots of people have been injured and are bleeding.
Enough! thinks Kaytek.
Well, yes, but it’s too late.
The ambulances are on their way. And Kaytek is just standing there, in a state of shock.
Enough! I must go home as fast as possible, to avoid causing any new stupidities.
He runs.
He opens the apartment door and steps back in horror: if he goes into the living room, he’ll come face to face with his lookalike. Luckily, just now Mom is sitting with her back to the wall, so she hasn’t seen him come in.
He slams the door shut.
“Who’s that?” wonders Mom.
“I’ll just be a moment, Mom,” he hears his own voice from the living room.
The lookalike comes into the hall and meekly waits for him.
Vanish, illusion.
It disappears. Kaytek goes into the living room, and Mom asks:
“What did you go outside for?”
“Nothing. There was a boy calling me.”
“Why are you so red?”
“It’s nothing. I have a headache.”
“Go and lie down. Have a cup of tea with lemon.”
He lies down. That’s for the best.
He does feel tired. Dissatisfied. Sad. And terribly lonely.
And like the most useless creature on earth.
* * *
*This is a reference to the Polish insurgents who were exiled to Siberia for trying to revolt against the Russian Empire in the period when, together with the Prussian and Austro-Hungarian Empires, Russia had occupied and enslaved Poland.
**Teatralny Square – or Theater Square – is in downtown Warsaw.
***Poniatowski Bridge is one of the oldest bridges across the River Vistula in central Warsaw.
Chapter Nine
Anticipating further events – The police try to find the culprit – An investigation at school – Kaytek is suspected of taking part in the disturbances
It’s late at night.
Kaytek is asleep, and so are the citizens of Warsaw. But in one large building the lights are still on in all the rooms. No one is asleep; there are meetings in progress and the telephones keep ringing.
What sort of building is it? It’s Police Headquarters.
There have been too many disturbing incidents, and now the telegraph has sent news about them all around the world. The police are on alert, waiting to see what will happen next.
“Every police station must have one car, five motorbikes, and ten bicycles at the ready.”
“Distribute helmets and gas masks.”
“Guard the bridges and clocks. Arrest all suspects; put them in handcuffs and bring them straight to headquarters.”
“Both plainclothes agents and uniformed officers must be on guard at the hotel where the foreign visitors are staying.”
“Maybe we should close the public gardens to stop children from coming out onto the streets?”
“No. It should all be done in secret. We mustn’t frighten anyone. We must post notices calling for public calm and consideration. Tomorrow the papers will report that we are on the right track and the chief culprit has already been caught.”
“But who is it? Where’s he hiding?”
“Even if he’s hiding underground we must catch him. It doesn’t matter who he is – not even if he’s the devil himself. The whole world is waiting to see what the Warsaw police are going to do. The foreign press is full of descriptions of what happened.”
Into the conference room comes the duty officer.
“You’re wanted on the telephone, sir,” he tells the Chief of Police.
“All right, I’m coming. Mr. Secretary, please write this down too: the firefighters must be on special alert because there could be a fire. The pharmacies must remain open. First thing in the morning, the sanitation department is to catch all the stray cats and dogs. And no one’s allowed to sell vodka until further notice.”
“Chief, the Colonel is getting impatient on the phone.”
“I’m coming. Please take over for me.”
The Chief leaves the meeting and goes back to his office.
“Hello, Chief here,” he says into the phone.
“I’m calling to inform you that the garrison is fully assembled,” says the Colonel. “The sappers have been posted near the bridge. There are armored cars and tanks in the main districts surrounding the downtown area. There are two airplanes circling the city. And the tear gas bombs have been dispatched.”
“Thank you, yes. I’ve already received them.”
“If there are any wounded, you can send them to the army hospital.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And now I’m going to bed. Tomorrow we have to be on the alert and sober. I advise you to do the same.”
“Unfortunately, Colonel, I can’t.”
“Well, do as you wish. Good night.”
“Goodbye.”
The phone rings again.
“Who’s that?” says the Chief.
“This is the Criminal Investigation Department. The judge is asking you to send along the two ladies who were walking down the street backward. They must know something – it all began with them.”
“All right. I’ll interrogate them and send them along with the file.”
“We’ve also received information about a boy who was found in a field.”
“I know: the wizard. I have his address. It’s just gossip, pure nonsense, but I’ll look into it tomorrow. Instead of running after wizards, I’d be better off trying to catch the criminal.”
He said the word “criminal” in a tough, threatening way.
Just then Kaytek squirmed in his bed anxiously and shouted something in his sleep.
“Antek, what’s up?”
Kaytek didn’t answer: he was still asleep.
The police chief tosses away his cigarette butt, drinks a cup of black coffee in a single gulp, and glances at his watch: it’s two in the morning.
The phone rings again.
“It’s the Inspector of Prisons here. Please send a car with an escort to the Main Station. Three passengers have been arrested who were planning to cross the border. They’re very suspicious.”
“OK.”
He claps his hands and then gives the order for the car and escort.
“Now bring in those two witches who walk about the streets backward.”
The poor women come in, terrified, pale, and in tears.
“Please take a seat, ladies.”
They sit down.
“
Sir, we are innocent. We are quiet, defenseless women. What are we being locked up for? What on earth do you want from us?”
“My dear ladies, please calm yourselves. There are matters that need to be explained. This is a rather important business.”
The phone rings again.
“I’m calling from National Security. Please send a car to the Eastern Station, and send the arrestees to us. What’s happening at your end?”
“Not much for the time being. It’s calm. Should we send the car at once?”
“In an hour’s time. Goodbye.”
“Sir, we’re innocent,” say the ladies. “We could lose our jobs. Fancy being under arrest, at night! What will the neighbors think, or the watchman? We haven’t been home all night! We haven’t even had our tea.”
The Chief claps his hands together to summon his secretary.
“Please bring the ladies some tea,” he says. “Do you smoke? Have a cigarette.”
“Mr. Chief, Mr. Director, Mr. Minister! Please release us at once!”
“I am not a minister. You are not under arrest, just regular precautionary custody. Would you please tell me what you were talking about in the street?”
“About the fact that I’m having a tooth filled at the expense of the Health Insurance Fund. I even have a wad of cotton wool in my tooth to fill the hole. I can show you.”
“There’s no need. I believe you. What else?”
“Nothing in particular.”
“I’m sorry. If you were just walking along, talking about a tooth, there would have been no reason to arrest you. But do serious office clerks have to walk backward while they’re chatting about their teeth?”
“We didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t what we wanted to do at all,” says one lady.
“We’re willing to pay a fine of a zloty each. Please take pity on us. We are innocent,” says the other.
The phone rings again.
“This is the janitor at the Post Office. Two cages full of pigeons have arrived here.”
“Well, what of it?”
“They’re marked ‘Very Urgent’. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with them.”
“Make yourself some broth and eat it.”
Kaytek the Wizard Page 10