by Tess Oliver
The entire time Lenix spoke there was no self-pity in her tone. A hollow, lonely sound but no self-pity.
“Like so many runaways, with no place to go or parents to keep me from making stupid ass decisions, I ended up living with a couple of guys. They were in their twenties. When they weren’t selling drugs from our seedy little room at the back of a duplex, they were playing music. We managed to make money on street corners. They’d play and I’d sing. That’s where Graham first heard me. But there was nothing holding us together, other than we were all looking for something better. Eventually, we parted ways, and I found myself alone again, looking through trash cans for food or discarded socks and scarves to wear. There were things—” She took a deep breath. “Things I did for money that I don’t need to detail to you. I’m sure you can figure it out.”
I squeezed her hand. “I don’t think that you did anything that anyone else wouldn’t have done in that situation. You had to survive.”
“There were things I had no choice over but then I let myself walk down a path that I’ll regret forever. A man I met one night told me he could give me a free room and meals if I’d act in some of his movies. I was only sixteen, but that didn’t seem to bother him. In fact, it seemed to only intrigue him. He was making hardcore porn with underage girls, and in a few months, I’d become his star.”
I looked at Lenix, but she stared straight ahead to the view outside, probably because it was an easier story to tell that way. “You did what you had to do to stay alive. No one, not even your fans, would fault you for that. It’s the guys filming underage girls in porn who have a history to be ashamed about. Not you.”
She dropped her gaze but still didn’t look at me. “But I did it willingly. There was no coercion, just the promise of food, shelter, even money to buy things, things I’d never had in my life. And the movies were terrible. The hardcore crap sold in back alleys.” She took a deep breath. “And there’s more. The easiest way for me to get through it was to be completely wasted on drugs. Crazy stuff that just let me drift from one day to the next avoiding any contact with reality.”
“I think anyone would have found comfort with drugs in that kind of situation.”
She rested her head against my shoulder. “You have the right answer for everything. But I was weak. I never should have gotten into it in the first place. I won’t ever forgive myself for that. Things have changed so dramatically for me, and trust me, I take none of it for granted. I’m using some of my money to fund homes for runaway girls, so they can eat and sleep and feel safe without having to resort to stupid, insane decisions to survive. It helps me absorb some of the guilt and shame of what I did. But I made all the wrong decisions back then, and I have no one to blame but myself.”
“Yet you pulled out of it stronger than ever. Not everyone does that. In fact, I’d say it’s safe to say, not many pull themselves up from something like that . . . ever.”
Lenix slid off the bed and curled her arms around herself as she walked to the window to look out at the beach. “That’s where Graham comes in. Without him, I’m pretty sure I’d be in jail or dead. Of course, his motives stemmed from greed and not from compassion or empathy. But still, I owe him my life.”
“How did he find you?”
“He was at a party with some friends and someone popped one of the movies into the DVD player.” She looked at me. “Graham’s not the type to watch underage girls in porn. Just to clear that up about him. He might be money hungry, but he’s not a perv. He’s never done anything to make me doubt that. He saw me on the screen and recognized me as the girl singing on the street corner. At the time, he was working hard to get Brick, Rex and Duff a singer for their band. He saw their potential, and, oddly enough, he saw mine too. He asked around and found out my name.” She smiled weakly. “Back then, I was Starlight Silver.” She rolled her eyes. “Genius, I know. Anyhow, Graham got me into rehab and cleaned up. The rest is, as they say, history.”
“It’s quite a story but not one that would make your fans stop listening to your music.”
“Guess we’ll find out. I regret that the guys are only just finding out about this.” She walked over to the bed and straddled my lap. She leaned forward and kissed me. “What about you? What’s going through your head?”
I placed my hand against her cheek. She closed her eyes and covered my hand with hers to hold my palm against her skin.
“Knowing what you were up against and everything you had to face—I think I’m even more nuts about you. If that was even possible.”
Lenix turned to the side, stretched her legs out and rested against my chest. She sighed contentedly as I wrapped my arms around her. “There are those dreamy arms again. I could just stay in them all damn day.” She grew quiet for a moment. “You should come with me.”
“Where?”
“Just wherever my life takes me next. You should just pack up your life and come with me.”
I squeezed my arms tighter. I always knew the vacation would end, that all of this would end, but the reality was getting closer, and it was weighing heavy on my heart.
“I can’t, Lenix. I’d be completely out of place in that world.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “I just thought I’d give it a shot.”
Chapter 29
Lenix
Stupidly, I’d been convinced that releasing my story during a time when the news cycle was focused on a murder would be like dropping a grain of sugar into sand, and it would disappear without much notice. But apparently, porn, and especially porn that involved underage girls, was just sensational and seedy enough to turn some of the heads of reporters away from Paula Nelson’s murder. It seemed that the case against her husband was fairly cut and dry, and, aside from some gruesome details and some possibly scandalous motives being floated about, the homicide was quickly losing its luster as a headline. But Lenix Harlow’s secret life as a child porn star was just sordid enough to rally the troops again. The paparazzi and press had had a double dose of luck handed to them. I often wondered what it would be like to have a job where you had to wait for something really awful or scandalous to happen to someone else so that you could have a successful week at work.
My nervous friend, Parker Jergen, was definitely having his. In the long run, I was glad that I’d given the scoop to him. He seemed to really need the push for his career. He’d written the story in a way that showed my struggle to survive and how it had brought me to some drastic choices. He’d done an admirable job and made quick work of it. The story was everywhere in two days, and Parker got credit for breaking it.
I’d managed to sneak out and see Dawson for the day in between when most focus was still on the murder, but now that the story was out, I was sealed up inside the beach house.
Graham walked into the kitchen where I was picking at a bowl of cereal looking for the raisins. He had hardly spoken two words to me since I’d taken away the power he had over me. And at the same time, I’d ruined his chance of ever making money on my story.
We were waiting for an attorney and the accountant to scour the books. We couldn’t just accuse the man without evidence to back it up. As much as I was glad to be free of Graham’s control, deep down, I hoped that it wasn’t true. I didn’t want there to be that kind of animosity between the band and Graham. I didn’t want to believe that his greed had led him to steal from us.
Graham poured himself a glass of orange juice and sat at the kitchen table across from me. As much as he had been my only family for a long time, I’d been his too. That made all of this that much harder.
“Meeting a young band when we get back to New York, day after tomorrow. They have a lot of potential. A really good sound,” he said before taking a drink.
“Excellent. I hope that turns out well.”
His dark brows always danced along with his moustache when he was uptight. And the dance had begun. “Why’d you do it, Lennie?”
I gave up on my quest for raisins and put down m
y spoon. “So you couldn’t beat me to it.”
I wasn’t about to bring up anything about the meeting we’d held in his absence. That was a decision and something that would require all of us and lawyers sitting at a table, but it seemed Graham had an inkling of what was going on. My giving the story to Jergen had been a great big, obvious clue. Oddly enough, it seemed Graham might just be fine with moving on to a new band. He’d done a lot for us, but sometimes relationships got stale. The prospect of a new band to coddle, shape and form would make it much easier for him to part ways with Ice Cake.
“Graham, I will always be thankful for what you did for me. You were the first person who made me feel safe and important and worthy of living a real life. I won’t ever forget that. But, in the end, you changed. I changed.”
“I haven’t been doing anything shady with the money, Len. I would never do that.”
My mouth fell open, and it took me a second to find my tongue. “Who talked to you? What have you heard?”
He inclined his head toward the television room. “As you know, the big guy has the hearing of an elephant. He mentioned it to me. Just wanted you to know.” He stood up. “I know where all this is heading and that you guys think it’s time we split up. I’m starting to think it would be the best thing for all of us.” He started to walk out of the room but stopped. “You made me feel worthy of a real life too, Lennie.”
My eyes burned with tears as he walked out of the room, his usually straight, self-important posture looking just a little less crisp than usual.
I got up and put my bowl in the kitchen sink. It had been one hell of a week. I’d met a man who now had me wrapped firmly around his heart, a man who I would more than likely never see again. My life story was now out in the open for everyone to know and decide whether they ever wanted to hear me sing again. And Graham Rushton, the man who had pulled me from the gutter and made me a star, would soon, it seemed, be leaving to find a new Lenix Harlow to primp and prime for the music world. All of it left me feeling emotionally drained. I knew there was only one pair of arms that could make me feel better.
I leaned against the kitchen counter and pulled out my phone. So many people had called and texted me, but I’d ignored them all. I wasn’t ready to chat with anyone about things yet. I knew most people were just curious and anxious to hear gritty details, of which, I had no intention of sharing. Thankfully, most of the movies I’d been cast in had been confiscated and destroyed. Still, I had no doubt someone with a lot of internet research savvy would be able to find at least pieces of a movie. I had to brace for that, but for now, I was just relieved to have it all off my chest and out in the open. I had this strange feeling that having the weight of the secret off my shoulders would alleviate some of the anxiety I’d been feeling at performances.
I decided I needed more than a text. The sound of Dawson’s voice was an instant comfort.
“Know what I could really use right now? You and those dreamy arms and all the other dreamy stuff that goes with them. Interested?”
“What do you think?”
“Good. Only one problem. I can’t get out of the house. Can you come here? You might have to fight your way through some reporters. I’ll tell Axel to wait by the door and let you in.”
“I’m heading out the door now.”
“See you soon.” I headed out to the front room. Axel had been keeping watch on the activity out front through the window.
“Axel, my friend Dawson will be at the back door in a few minutes. Can you let him in and show him to my room?”
“Is that wise?” Graham asked from the couch. “With everything that’s going on and all the cameras out front, I don’t know if we need strangers walking willy nilly into the house.”
“Dawson is not a stranger, and I’ll text him to go easy on the willy nilly.”
Duff was sitting in the front room leaned over his laptop. He looked up to say something, but I stopped him.
“Duff, I told you, no internet for a few days. I don’t want to know what anyone is saying. I’m trying to brace myself for the ugliness.”
Duff looked over at Graham. “You didn’t tell her?”
He shrugged. Graham was obviously feeling betrayed by us all and mostly me.
Duff looked my direction again. I put my hand up to stop him, but he talked right over my signal. “Internet’s lighting up with the story, of course. But almost everything is positive. People saying you’ve earned even more respect from them because you came from terrible circumstances. Of course, there are haters, but you could save a baby from drowning and there would be people snarling about it. For the most part, it seems that you should have told your story earlier. Graham apparently didn’t mention that his phone was ringing off the hook with movie deals and book deals.”
“Ugh, no. I never wanted that. It’s good to hear though that our next concert won’t just have seven people sitting in the seats.”
“Damn right that’s good.” Duff looked pointedly at me as he said it. Then he turned back to Graham. “Got the plane tickets changed. Tonight at seven. We’ll have to leave here in a few hours.”
My foot stopped on the first step, and I swung back around. “What are you talking about?”
Brick walked down the stairs past me. “We’re out of here. No sense in sticking around pretending you’re resting. Heading back home tonight, and I’m fucking glad to be out of here. Need a break from all of you.”
I looked over at Duff. He nodded. “No sense in staying here, Len. Besides, the local police came by earlier to see if we’d be vacating soon. Seems we’ve disrupted this quiet little neighborhood a bit too much.”
My shoulders sank and my heart dropped into my stomach. In my mind, I’d been calculating that I had two whole days to prepare myself to say good-bye to Dawson. Now that time had been shortened to mere hours. It wasn’t enough time.
Chapter 30
Dawson
I walked along the beach path, heading toward the house where a group of people were hovering like seagulls over a bag of potato chips. My phone rang. It was Aubrey.
“Whoa, just read about Lenix Harlow. How are you feeling?”
“Could care less about the story. Two more days and then I fly away from California and from her. If you want to know how I’m feeling, like someone cut out my guts and hung them to dry in the sun.”
“Aww, so cute. My baby brother is in love. Of course, the description of your feelings could use a bit more poetry, but it’s genuine, coming from you.”
“Story of my life. I finally meet someone, and it’s impossible.”
“You’ll feel better when you get back to Bluefield and your buddies.”
“My buddies all have lives now. I’m just the afterthought guy. The permanent, nothing better to do friend.”
“Oh my gosh, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Besides, you’ll be going back a star, the guy who had a one week affair with Lenix Harlow. Not sure how the latest news will go over in our backwards town. But Tommy and Kellan must have been stunned and a little jealous when they heard about it.”
“I haven’t mentioned it to either of them, so they don’t know about Lenix.”
Aubrey paused.
“Aub? You told Andi, didn’t you?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I? My brother is having a fling with a famous rock star. Not every day I get to share that kind of news with the world.”
The circle of people around the house had spilled out onto the path. I was reaching the first line of onlookers. “Got to go, Aubrey. Say hi to Meg.”
As I approached the brick walkway leading to the house, reporters and curious spectators paid me no attention at all. But as I pushed through them, warding off scowls and sharp elbows on my determined path to the door, I heard someone shout out something about the tattooed guy from the porch picture. Cameras and faces all turned my direction as if I’d just walked out of a spaceship with my two alien heads.
I kept my face down and made my way th
rough them. I wasn’t exactly the type of person that you stepped rudely in front of to stop. The one scrawny camera man who had, quickly retreated when I glared down at him with my jaw and fist clenched.
I reached the door and delivered only the front edge of a knock when the door flew open.
“Hurry and get in,” Axel said.
I stepped inside. He shut the door tightly behind me. Graham, the manager, leaned his head back over the couch to scowl at me with disapproval. I wasn’t getting love and warm vibes from the bodyguard either.
“Lennie is up the stairs, second door on the right,” Axel said gruffly. I’d apparently overstayed my two second, rude welcome. I quickly headed to the stairs.
The second door on the right swung open before I reached the landing. Lennie popped out of the room, grabbed my hand and dragged me inside.
“Just heard some bad news,” she blurted as she threw her arms around my neck. “But kiss me first. It’s always better when you’re kissing me.”
My mouth covered hers. The kiss lasted long. Sometimes it was hard to separate, to come up for air. But I could sense something in the way she felt in my arms. She always held tightly on to me, but this time it was as if we were about to be parted for good.
I lifted my mouth from hers. She peered up at me with the face that I had memorized completely, from the sliver of a scar near her upper lip to the spray of freckles across the bridge of her nose.
“Aside from the obvious giant swarm of busy bodies outside, what’s wrong? Something’s changed.”
She shook her head as she reached for the button on my shorts. “I need this. I need you and nothing else right now. Just you.” She pushed my shorts down and my underwear followed. I pulled off my shirt, and she slipped out of her shorts and t-shirt.