“What if…” She pauses until I turn my head to look at her. “What if this is the first step to finally letting go of the past? Are you afraid to do that? Worried that if you do move on you’ll have to face your feelings for a certain hot cameraman?”
“I hate what if.” And I have no feelings for Pants Charming. No deep feelings.
Right. Keep thinking that and your new nickname will be Pants on Fire.
She laughs. “I think we all do a little bit. The unknown is scary. But if anyone can handle it, it’s you.”
“I just make everyone think I can,” I admit. “I’m good at hiding my insecurities and making people believe everything is okay.”
“When you walk into a room, Harp, people notice. You don’t just turn men’s heads, but women’s, too.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Appetizer?” a server interrupts. She holds up a tray of stuffed mushrooms. Since Teague is here to scrutinize everything, she says “thank you” even though mushrooms aren’t her favorite food. To help her out, I take one, too.
“What do you think?” she asks after taking a small bite.
“I think it’s really good,” I say while chewing. I tossed the whole damn thing in my mouth. When finished, I go back to our conversation. “So what does my walking into a room have to do with anything?”
“You think on some level you’re fake with people, but you’re not. The only way someone commands attention like you is if they’re genuine. You may have secrets and things you don’t like to talk about, but you’re sincere in everything you say and do. Even with the guys you go out with, you’ve only always been truthful.”
She’s right. I’ve never doubted myself this much before. But that’s because I’ve never had this much at stake. To further complicate my decision, my dad has decided I need more time to think about the film offer before I give him a definitive “no.” I’m not changing my mind, but I agreed so I could get him off my back. My worry is if he doesn’t chill, and I stick to my guns, what will that do to our relationship? Will I cave to make him happy? It’s possible I can work on the film, teach the few swim lessons I have in the fall and winter, and be the ambassador for MASF?
I spin around and lean my back against the railing. Teague does the same. We sip our drinks. There are about a dozen other couples on board with us. Across the deck, a man gets down on one knee. He pulls a velvet box out of his pocket.
“Oh my gosh,” Teague says excitedly.
The woman’s hands fly to her mouth, covering a smile evident in the crinkle around her eyes. I can’t hear what the guy says, but whatever it is, it’s good because the woman starts to cry and visibly shake. The man pulls a ring out of the box. It sparkles from all the way over here. The woman nods like crazy and puts her hand out so he can slide the ring onto her finger. She falls to her knees and they embrace.
“That was so romantic,” Teague says.
I put my arm around my believer-in-happily-ever-after best friend. I have to admit, it kind of was. I’ve never witnessed a proposal before, and this one was simple and, okay, romantic, given the setting. I, for one, would prefer to be alone when I get engaged, but…
When you get engaged? Since when is that ever going to happen?
I eye the contents of my drink. They must put something in their cocktails to cause crazy, starry-eyed thoughts.
“How long have you two been together?” a woman asks beside Teague and me.
I turn my head in surprise. The woman is with a man I assume is her husband, and they’re looking at my BFF and me like we’re adorable. Teague glances at me in confusion. Don’t worry, sweetness, I’ve got this.
“Five and a half years,” I say honestly, squeezing her tighter and kissing her cheek. It’s been that long since we met our first day at UO and fell into mad friendship-love.
“I could tell it had been a while,” the woman says with a smile.
“College sweethearts,” I say, feeling the situation register with Teague when her shoulders shake with amusement.
“Yes. We started as roommates, and then it became more,” she adds. Another truth. She’s the sister I never had.
“Would you like us to take a picture of the two of you?”
“That would be great, thanks.” I hand over my cell. The woman takes the photo then hands the phone back. She and her husband tell us to have a good night and they head toward the main cabin. Once they’re out of sight, Teague and I look at each other and crack up.
“If you ever get tired of Mateo,” I say through a giggle, “I’m your girl.”
“If you ever get tired of Levi, I’m yours.”
“I’m not his,” I say.
Teague gives me the you-are-lying-to-yourself look.
I had the best intentions of letting him go after Colleen’s wedding, but I couldn’t do it. I’m straddling some invisible line I don’t even know how to name. The thought of being with him scares the shit out of me. The thought of being without him scares the shit out of me. The latter won out on Sunday morning when he made it clear he wasn’t emotionally invested in me. I want your body all to myself, Ham. That’s what I wanted from the start, right? So, I can keep things light between us because it does hurt to think about him with anyone else but me.
Seeing Kayla at his doorstep cut through my bones. I ached all over while trying to stay calm and unaffected. Her declarations, true or not, weren’t something I ever wanted to hear. On top of that, seeing her pregnant was hard to swallow. I wondered about her first pregnancy. Wondered if Levi wondered. I believe him when he says he wants nothing to do with her anymore. But I also know Levi. He isn’t the kind of guy to turn his back on someone who needs help, even if that someone’s stabbed him.
Maybe he needs my help to deal with Kayla, just like I need his to help me deal with Joe.
Snapping fingers under my nose rouse me from my thoughts. “Hello? Did you hear what I said?” Teague asks.
“Sorry. No. I zoned out for a minute.”
“Are you okay?”
“Honestly, having to make a decision about MASF and thinking about Levi at the same time is stressing me out.” I swap my cocktail for a new one when a server brings us fresh drinks.
“Do you want to talk about him more?”
“It’s nothing.” I wave away her concern. I’d given her the quick and dirty version of what happened between us, and I’m being ridiculous right now. The proposal thing just got me a little worked up, I think.
“It’s not nothing, Harp. Whatever is on your mind you need to get it off your chest.”
I blow out a sigh. She’s right, of course. “I’m afraid to trust myself, I guess. And I’m maybe a little worried I won’t be able to keep it casual. I feel…I feel a pull to him I’ve never felt with anyone else before. Not even…”
“Not even Joe,” Teague finishes for me.
I nod, my heart pounding. I’m an idiot. I feel so much more than friendship toward Levi. He might not want my heart, but I want his.
“Don’t be ashamed for feeling that way. You’re not the same person you were at sixteen. Joe was your first love, but maybe Levi is your last love.” Teague gives me a thoughtful look. “Don’t give up on him. I’ve seen how he looks at you.”
For the rest of the cruise we talk about Teague’s upcoming trip to Hawaii for her sister’s destination wedding.
As the sun sinks below the horizon, the yacht pulls into the dock. On the way to the parking lot, Teague gets a text from Mateo. He’s home and wants her to come over. “Levi is home, too,” she says. “And a couple of other guys are there. Want to stop by?”
I haven’t seen or talked to Levi since Sunday morning. I texted him once, to thank him for being my wedding date since I’d been remiss about voicing it while we were together. He texted back it was his pleasure. Other than that, I’ve gotten exactly what I’d wanted: space.
“Yeah, I do.”
It takes forty-five minutes to get to their ho
use. I’m a Nervous Nelly the whole way. Not the shy or timid kind of nervous, but the excited, can’t-wait-to-see-you kind. Which, for the record, is way worse.
We don’t bother knocking on the front door, just go right inside and shout “hello.” “Back here,” Mateo returns, meaning the backyard. He jumps up from his chair when we step outside.
Their yard is smallish but inviting, with a stone patio, grassy area, and cushioned furniture situated around an outdoor fireplace. Trees and ivy-covered fencing give privacy. Elliot is standing at the grill barbecuing something that smells delicious. He waves a pair of tongs as a greeting. He’s got a beer in his other hand. Levi and the guys’ friends Sullivan and Puck are sitting in chairs, also drinking beers.
Levi is on his feet a second after Mateo.
We exchange hellos with everyone, and then Mateo is kissing Teague so hard he lifts her feet off the ground. Levi stands in front of me and says, “I want to kiss you so badly, but I wasn’t sure if that was—”
I wrap my arms around his neck and answer him with an openmouthed kiss. His arms go around my waist, bringing my hips to his and reminding me that this right here, this closeness, feels more right than anything I’ve ever felt before.
“It’s okay,” I whisper against his lips before pulling back.
“I know it’s only been four days, but it feels like forever since I saw you,” he says. “Would it be rude if I picked you up, carried you to my bedroom, and kept you naked for the rest of the night?”
I swallow the humiliation of having just thought how special it was to be close to him. This is all physical for him. Walls up, Harper. “Yes, that would be rude. Plus, I’m hungry. My date earlier only fed me appetizers.”
His face drops. “You had a date earlier?”
“With my girlfriend, Teague.” I slap Teague’s butt as Mateo stops accosting her mouth. “I went with her to check out a sunset cruise.”
“Oh, okay. Come sit down. The sooner I feed you the sooner we can get naked, right?”
Armor on, too. I lean into his side and breathe in his yummy, one-of-a-kind scent. I’m good at sex. Great at it. I can do this. “Right.”
“Burgers are ready,” Elliot announces.
“I’ll grab you some food.” Levi steers me to a cushioned bench seat. “Save the spot next to you.”
“How’s it going, Van?” I say to Sullivan when he sits across from me with two burgers on his plate. He looks exactly like Zac Efron, and from what the guys say, he’s used that to his advantage. Yep, he’s pretended to be the movie star to get laid. According to him he never actually tells a girl he’s Zac, she just assumes.
“Excellent. You?”
“I’m good.”
“Just good? Levi is doing something wrong if you’re only good.” He winks at me.
“That’s why I’m here.”
His forehead wrinkles in confusion as he takes a bite of his burger.
“I’m good right now, but later I’ll be outstanding.” I wink back. My shoulders relax. This is me, how I’ve operated for the past seven years.
He smiles while he chews. Once he’s swallowed he says, “Nice comeback.”
“What’s nice?” Levi asks, handing me a cheeseburger then sitting beside me. “Are you flirting with my girl, Van?”
I’m under no delusion he meant “my” in any way other than making sure Van doesn’t piss in the same place he does.
“I can’t help my natural state,” Van says with a grin.
“Of smelling bad?” Puck interjects as he joins us.
“That’s not what your sister said last night,” Van fire backs.
Puck glares at his friend. It’s always like this with the guys. Banter with no real menace behind it, because they’re all the best of friends and truly respect each other. “Fuck you. You better not even think about my sister like that.”
Van gets a teasing glint in his eye. “She said you’d say that.”
Puck throws a pickle at him. Van catches it and pops it in his mouth.
Teague, Mateo, and Elliot join us with their plates, and we eat and talk about work, football, baseball teams heading into the playoffs, and the mile-high club.
“She was the hottest flight attendant I’ve ever seen,” Elliot says, “and it’s weird that she was on my flight to and from San Francisco, right?”
“Not really,” I say. “I think they have regular routes, so it’s not entirely unthinkable.”
“If I get asked back up there for a second interview and she’s on the flight, I’m getting up her skirt.”
Puck shakes his head. “Bro, she won’t let you near her skirt, let alone what’s under it.”
“Not while she’s working anyway,” Levi adds.
“A hundred bucks says I get her in the lavatory.”
Levi’s back straightens. He shakes his head.
“Come on dude, you’re two up on me now. I need a win.”
“I can’t believe you keep track of your bets,” Puck says. “Nerd much?”
“How many bets have you guys made?” Teague asks.
“It’s not important,” Levi says, staring straight at Elliot.
“We’ve been at it since our freshman year in high school when I bet him I could run the mile faster than he could.”
“Did you?” I ask.
“No. And that’s probably why we still make them. If I’d won, Levi probably would have dropped it, but I had to get back at him.”
“What’s the last bet you guys made?” I put my plate down on the ground, finished inhaling my burger. I really was hungry.
Levi and Elliot look at each other and some weird vibe passes between them. I’m not the only one who notices.
“Aww, did one of you get your feelings hurt this time?” Puck asks.
Neither of them answers. “Anyone hungry for dessert?” Teague asks, popping to her feet with her trademark winsome smile.
“Yes.” Mateo stands and lifts her over his shoulders. “Ice cream’s in the freezer,” he shares with the group before he carries my best friend away. “Mateo!” she squeals, but doesn’t even try to wiggle out of his hold.
“I’ll go get it.” I gather up some plates on my way to the kitchen.
“Seriously, what’s wrong with you two?” I hear Van ask from over my shoulder.
“Hey.” Levi brushes up beside me a moment later.
“You making sure I don’t put my hand near the garbage disposal?” I tease because suddenly things seem too serious.
Levi takes the plates out of my hand and puts them in the sink. “No, I need to tell you about our last bet.” He laces his fingers with mine, the touch always welcome, and leads me to the couch.
We sit facing each other. Regret is carved in his handsome features, making him no less attractive, only heartbreakingly honest. “You bet about me,” I surmise. I’ve seen these guys be competitive and since the first time I met Elliot—which happened to be the first time Teague met Mateo—I knew he was interested in me.
“Yes. It wasn’t my idea, but I went along with it.”
I scoot back until my butt hits the arm of the couch. I don’t want to be within reach anymore. The only reason I don’t get up and leave is because I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurts to think I meant even less than I thought.
“Ham.” He reaches for me, but I lean away.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. “It’s not what you think. I did agree at the start, but that was only because I wanted to be near you. I couldn’t understand why you disliked me so much after our night together, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.”
“So you bet him you could what? Fuck me again? Make me fall for you?”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“No? Instead your pride was ruined so you decided to use me for what, a hundred bucks reward?”
“Jesus, no.” He jams his hand through his hair. “He didn’t know about us when he made t
he bet, and I didn’t tell him. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I agreed because I didn’t want him or any other guy having you. None of what happened between us was because of a stupid bet. And I told Elliot I wanted out, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“So that makes it okay?”
“No. I should have told you right from the start, but honestly, I forgot about it.”
I study him. His eyes, his mouth, the rise and fall of his chest. Everything I’ve learned about him over the past several weeks points to a kind, upstanding person who might not want a relationship but has always treated me well. Complimented me. Been there for me. If I was just a bet, he could have one-and-done me.
Still. “You’re an ass.”
“Who is really sorry.” He scoots closer. “I swear to you, I’m with you because I can’t help myself.”
A double knot lodges itself in the back of my throat. What the hell kind of declaration is that? Whether he realizes it or not, he just insinuated he’s been using me. To help him get over Kayla? To forget whatever demons sit on his shoulders weighing him down?
A deep breath whooshes out of me. I get that. Totally 100 percent understand it. Because until Levi, it’s what I did.
“Then take me,” I say, crawling into his lap. I fuse my mouth to his. The kiss is hard, angry, volatile. And so is the sex we have up against the door in his room because it’s the last time he gets to use me.
September 8th
Dear Harper,
I fucked up.
And I’m sorry.
For saying the wrong thing. Doing the wrong thing. And any other wrongs you want to pin on me. (Although, sex with you when you’re pissed is hot as hell.) I’ve been up all night, angry with myself for letting you walk away without talking more. I should have asked you to stay.
I should have done the entire night differently, starting by saying how you’ve taken everything I thought I knew about liking someone and changed it. You make me wonder if I’ve ever really known what it’s like to feel attraction. Because close to you isn’t close enough. Crazy about you isn’t crazy enough.
Lips Close to Mine (Wherever You Go) Page 20