Because no matter what, I’m a better person than I used to be, and whatever funk I’m in isn’t permanent. It comes down to me letting it go.
“Fine. But Harp?”
“Yeah?”
“Your heart is your friend, not your enemy. Listen to it.”
I spin around before she can see how deeply I feel those words and wish it were that simple.
My room is a mess, clothes everywhere, the bed unmade. I’ve managed to keep my closet semi-clean, though, and pull out my favorite little black dress. I remind myself what a successful afternoon I had. Tonight, I’m going to celebrate it.
Chad is waiting for me at a high cocktail table when I walk into the upscale bar on Sunset. It’s been at least a year since we’ve run into each other, and the months have been good to him.
“Hi,” he says, standing to kiss my cheek and pull out my barstool “It’s great to see you. Thanks for meeting me.”
“I think we owed it to our scheming moms.” I wiggle into a comfortable position and put my small purse down on the table.
“I’ll be sending them both a thank-you tomorrow. You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
He lifts a finger to snag the attention of a waitress. It’s Monday, so there aren’t a lot of customers, and she quickly reaches us. I order a Madras. He orders a beer.
“I’m trying to remember when we last saw each other,” he says.
“Someone’s party, right?”
He snaps his fingers. “That’s it. Down in Malibu.”
I nod. “You were with a girl with really big…”
“Teeth,” we say at the same time, then crack up. She also had really big boobs, and he knows I remember that, too. It was impossible not to notice them in her ill-fitting top.
“I hear you’ve started a foundation,” he says.
“Yes.” I go on to tell him about it. He listens attentively. Asks questions. Tells me he’s impressed.
This is not the Chad I remember. He’s changed from an arrogant ass to a charming flirt. We order a couple of appetizers. He fills me in on the tech firm he works for. They supply editing software for film companies.
My mind immediately goes to Levi.
“Dollar for your thoughts,” Chad says. Shit. Could he tell I wasn’t really listening?
“Not a penny?”
“Nah. I think your thoughts are worth a lot more.”
Cheesy, but complimentary nonetheless. This guy deserves my full attention.
We talk about mutual friends, our families, and why Hollywood seems to be remaking the same movies over and over again. I liked The Mummy. He didn’t. I also liked Baywatch. He looks like he wants to throw up in his mouth when I say that. Um, hello? Swimming is my jam, and there were shirtless hotties. Finally, around ten, we’re ready to call it a night.
He puts his hand on the small of my back as he opens the bar’s front door for me. The cool night air puts goose bumps on my legs.
“Thanks for a nice night.” I pull my car key out of my purse.
“I had a great time catching up and getting to know you better,” he says sincerely. He brushes the hair off my bare shoulder, his fingers gently grazing my skin. It’s different than his palm on the back of my dress. Without thinking, I take an abrupt step back. Normally a gesture like that from a guy I spent a few pleasant hours with wouldn’t bother me, but the thought of anyone touching me who isn’t Levi sparks a devastating ache down to my core.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay.”
His friendly eyes study me. “I’d love to see you again.”
My heart pounds. My ears ring. Car traffic blares around us. Light from streetlamps, storefronts, and flashing billboards swirls around my head.
“No rush,” he adds when I don’t immediately answer. “And no pressure. How about I get in touch this weekend?”
“Okay.”
“Great.” He smiles. It’s a nice smile, but it’s not— “Can I walk you to your car?”
I nod. He makes no further moves, just sees me safely off then walks away. I’m parking at home when a text sounds on my phone. It’s my mom. Well?
Well.
Chad is great. He’s smart, good-looking, funny, and no longer takes himself too seriously. He laughed when I told him I hated him in seventh grade for not liking bulldogs.
But.
I’m not attracted to him whatsoever. Not even the tiniest bit. I know what my mom will say. She’ll say give it a chance. Sometimes it takes time for attraction to bloom. I’m pretty sure Chad’s ready to pollinate me right now if his peeks at my legs and cleavage are any indication. Once upon a time, I would have let him.
I unlock the guesthouse. There’s a note from Teague on the kitchen counter.
Sorry! I couldn’t wait to share cupcakes. They were calling my name! I left you half of each one. I’m spending the night at Mateo’s. Text me if you need me. Love you! PS You’re a good, kind person Harper McKinney, and you deserve happy things that start with an L. Don’t forget that.
Levi.
Love.
Love and Levi.
My best friend sure knows how to postscript.
A stupid tear rolls down my cheek. I may have been out with Chad tonight, but there wasn’t a second that my heart wasn’t with Levi.
Harper’s Positivity Journal
October 25th
When I was a little human, my happy place looked like swimming pools and puppies and mint chocolate chip ice cream and medals and my bed with all my stuffed animals. It was friends and family and getting to camp out in the family room to watch TV past my bedtime.
Now that I’m a big human, my happy place still includes swimming pools and puppies and MCC ice cream and friends and family and camping out on the couch to watch TV. But I realize now that all those things add to my happiness.
My happy place in on the inside. It’s mind over matter. It’s bravery over fear. It’s trouncing would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, and never giving in to “didn’t.” It’s in my heart. It’s up to me.
I’m in charge, and right now my own personal brand of happiness
tastes like Levi
looks like Levi
smells like Levi
sounds like Levi
feels like Levi
It took me long enough, but I’m done putting limitations on a happy life.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Harper
Thinking about doing something and actually doing it is like texting your mother you’re not going out with her best friend’s son again—much harder than it should be. Granted, when I finally did respond to my mom’s message three days later, her reply was, Okey dokey. I think I caught her at the wine hour.
Or else she’s being weirdly agreeable again.
That was yesterday.
I push thoughts of my mom out of my head and focus on driving to Levi’s house without getting a ticket. I’m in kind of a hurry. According to Teague, he’s taking the red-eye. Mateo is driving him to the airport—I glance at the clock on the dashboard—in a little over an hour.
Yes, I suck for waiting until the last minute. You don’t have to tell me. My best friend already did. But the important thing is, I’ve finally arrived at this place. This place in my head where I tell fear to suck it and go after what I want. I pray I’m not too late.
My heart races the entire car ride. I’ve never been this nervous in my life. Not even the talk I gave at school had me this anxious. That tells me this is the most important thing I’ve ever done, and I can’t screw it up. Levi has every reason to turn me away. I haven’t said a word to him in weeks.
I’ve treated him terribly, but I’ll do whatever I have to do to make it up to him.
Starting right now.
My legs shake like crazy as I walk up to his front door. The porch light is on and there’s a glow from the windows. Emotions buzz through me. Fear is there, just under my skin. But more than that is excitem
ent. Possibility. Hope.
Love.
All those songs about love being all you need can’t be wrong.
His love will set you free.
I think that’s a song, too. My song. I knock on Levi’s door then slap my hand on the side of my thigh to stop my leg from bouncing.
When Levi appears around the wood frame, my insides light up like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. I haven’t stared directly into his eyes in twenty-eight days and eleven hours, so I’m going to stay in them for a minute.
Thankfully, he seems content to stay in mine.
Until he isn’t. “What are you doing here?”
My heart sinks. It’s the first time he’s ever greeted me without a hello. He’s treating you how you treated him.
He’s hurt, upset with me, and has every right to be.
“Hi,” I say. Then I give a little tilt of my head.
His beautiful mouth gives me a small twitch back. My heart recovers a tiny bit. “Hi, Harper.”
“Hi,” I say again because I’m painfully out of my element here.
He waits for me to say something else. He’s not going to make this easy. He’s not going to sweep me into his arms, kiss me until I’m breathless, and tell me he loves me without me having to work for it.
“Was that so hard?” I tease, tossing his words from months ago back at him.
“A little.”
It kills me that he said that. “Can we talk?”
“Hey,” a stunning girl says, coming up behind him. My heart crumbles into a million tiny pieces, turns to dust right there on his doorstep. He’s moved on without me.
Levi turns, and the two of them hug.
I can’t swallow. Can’t move. Why can’t I move? I don’t want to see this!
The girl kisses him on the cheek. “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too,” he says.
She glances at me then gives Levi a look I can’t decipher. Probably because I’m numb all over. He shrugs.
It’s the shrug of death. I’m dying. And it’s my own fault.
“Hi,” she says to me.
“Hi,” I manage to croak back.
She looks at Levi again, her pretty eyebrows raised. “It’s okay,” he tells her.
Oh my God. I’m the evil ex. I’m the girl who hurt him, and this beautiful bitch is the girl who gets to eat his cinnamon rolls. My legs are about to give out when Levi catches me. “Whoa. You all right?”
No, I am not fucking all right. I keep telling my feet to run away, but they won’t listen.
“You sure you got this?” she says.
“I’m sure. Thanks, Had.”
“Don’t forget to Facetime.” She steps off the porch.
“I won’t.”
“Love you!”
“Love you, too.”
He loves her.
I try to wiggle away. I have to get the hell out of here before he sees how destroyed I am. How incredibly stupid of me to think this was a good idea.
“Harper.”
Something about the soft way he says my name calms my boiling over nerves. I stop squirming. He releases my elbow. “I need to go.”
“I thought you came here to talk.”
“That was before.”
“Before what?”
“Before I saw you have a new girlfriend!” I spin around to go. I will not be humiliated any further.
He chuckles. Fucking chuckles. Okay, maybe I’ll stay for a minute to tell him what a dick move that is. And bloody hell. This means I won’t be able to hang out with Teague and Mateo anymore. Not if he’s with Had. I get right in his face.
“You are a total—”
“She’s not my girlfriend.”
“What?” I stumble back.
“She’s my sister Hadley. She stopped by to say good-bye, since she missed dinner at my parents’ house last night.”
“Oh.”
“Oh,” he mimics.
For what feels like forever, but is probably only a few seconds, we stare at each other. His warm brown eyes are all it takes to mend my decaying heart. There is definitely something between us still. “Do you have a minute to talk, then?”
He lets out a deep breath, like he’s not sure, but finally says, “Okay.” He closes the door behind him and sits on the porch step. The moon shines through the leaves of the trees around us.
I take the spot next to him, close enough that our arms touch. Every time we come in contact, I’m hit with a powerful sensation. This time, though, the current that swims through me is more than electric, it’s home.
Please don’t let me be too late.
“First off, I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Yep, he’s not going to make this easy.
“Would you accept it if I said ‘everything’?”
“If I knew what ‘everything’ was, possibly.”
“I’m sorry I’ve given you the cold shoulder this past month. It wasn’t very nice of me.”
“Agreed.”
“I’m sorry I freaked out after your accident and shut you out instead of”—my voice wobbles—“talking to you about it.”
He finds my hand and laces our fingers together but stays quiet. The small but mighty gesture helps me continue.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you, and that I waited until now to tell you how I feel.”
“How do you feel?”
Whether or not he tells me what I want to hear, it’s time to woman up. No regrets.
“I love you. I love you so much it terrifies me. So I pushed you away and acted horribly, thinking that would fix me, and I’d be able to live without you. But you know what? I don’t need to be fixed. I need to be loved, and I want that love from only one person. I know I screwed up, and if you don’t want to be with a girl who’s got flaws that often get in her own way, then I understand. But if I’m not too late, I want to love you so hard. You’re worth—”
He halts the rest of my sentence with his mouth. He takes me in his arms, lays me back, and kisses me. His tongue is warm and wet, his lips unyielding. I run my fingers through his hair. His thigh slides between my legs. He makes love to my mouth, and it’s everything, so right that it’s scary.
Scary good.
When he eventually lifts his head, I stare up at him, positive that this is where I’m supposed to be. “I love you,” I say. I’m never going to stop saying it.
He looks deep into my eyes. “I love you, too.”
In the history of my smiles, there has never been a bigger one than the grin splitting my face in two right now. “Does that mean you forgive me?”
“Not entirely.”
“What?” I ask in a panic.
“I’m really pissed at you for wasting this last month that we could have been together. I’m leaving for the airport in an hour. Your timing, while perfect, also sucks.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“What took you so long?”
“Two things.”
“Tell me.”
I gaze up into his face, gripping his shoulders. If we’re going to hold on to each other, I need to share my fears and concerns. “I’m worried about you being in the ocean for two months. I know you’re a good swimmer, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my fear of someone I love drowning.”
He runs his fingers along my hairline. “That’s understandable, and I promise I will take every precaution every minute of every day.”
“I know you will. But I wasn’t sure I could live with that fear. That I could carry it around with me and not let it interfere with my happiness.”
“You’re sure now?” he asks with apprehension.
I thread my fingers through his hair. “Yes. Mostly. I can’t guarantee I won’t have my moments, but I want you to go to Australia knowing I’ll be waiting for you to come home.”
“You have no idea how much I love hearing that.”
“Which brings me to the second thing.”
“Okay.”
He squeezes his eyes shut as if in pain.
“It became more than our deal to me, and I didn’t want to be the one to break our agreement if you didn’t feel the same way.”
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. When he opens his eyes, he rubs the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. “I’m so sorry I put you through that.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” He blinks a few times. “Honestly?”
I nod. “Always.”
“I didn’t at the start. I thought if I kept my emotions out of it then I wouldn’t get hurt again. I was afraid to trust you, but Ham, that didn’t last long. You made me feel things I’ve never felt before. I’ve loved you for a while but had trouble accepting it, and like you, I wasn’t sure that’s what you wanted to hear. More than anything, I wanted you to be happy.”
“Should we make things crystal clear now?”
“Me first,” he says. “I love you with all my heart, Harper Annabelle McKinney. Everything you say. Everything you do. Everything you are.”
“I love you back, Levi— Oh my God, I can’t believe I don’t know your middle name.”
He laughs. I push him in the chest.
“Anderson,” he says.
LAP. I actually feel my eyes soften. “I love you with all my heart, Levi Anderson Pierce. Everything you say. Everything you do. Everything you are. You make me the happiest girl in the world.”
He glances at his wristwatch. “We’ve got about thirty minutes to seal this new deal.”
“What are you waiting for?”
He jumps to his feet, lifts me up, and tosses me over his shoulder.
“Hey! Put me down!”
“In a minute,” he says, carrying me into the house. Elliot and Mateo are sitting on the couch, grinning, no doubt amused by this caveman display. “We’re busy for the next half hour,” Levi tells his roommates.
I laugh. Like they don’t know why we’re going to his bedroom. We’ve got a month to make up for, not to mention the two upcoming months. My boyfriend is so fucking cute.
Lips Close to Mine (Wherever You Go) Page 25