by Phil Rickman
‘How sad,’ Athena White said. ‘Old beyond your years. How is Watkins?’
‘Which one?’
‘Is she with you?’
‘I’m alone.’
‘Ships in the night. As usual. You must be wondering if it’s meant, you and her. When you’re not staring out of your window at an unlit vicarage, hating God.’
‘I don’t hate God.’
Lol moved away from the window, dragging the phone back across the desk, and sat down hard. She might just be referencing ‘The Cure of Souls’, the embittered song he wished he’d never written a couple of years ago, but, when he thought about it, it was most unlikely Athena White had deigned to listen to any of his music.
‘Do you ever dream she was out of it, Robinson?’
He didn’t reply. Twice this afternoon he’d been across to the vicarage. Monday, traditionally, was a vicar’s day off. Nobody in, no car in the drive. Yes, all right, sometimes he’d resented that God and the church were too close, constantly demanding. The magic was in distance: church bells and birdsong.
‘She’ll never be out of it,’ Lol said.
‘Perhaps not voluntarily…’
‘OK. I sometimes think about it, but I always conclude that life isn’t that simple. And maybe isn’t supposed to be. There’s a side to her that’s always going to be there. And if your competition for a woman’s attentions is the ultimate ineffable mystery, then— Aw, shit, Athena, what do you want?’
‘Suddenly, she has enemies, Robinson. Inside an ostensibly benign, venerable organization which actually is possessed of a Stasi-like ruthlessness.’
Merrily had learned that a much younger Athena White had worked for the intelligence services during the Cold War. A mindset that lingered.
‘Where are you getting this from, Athena?’
‘Don’t treat me like an idiot, you know how vindictive I can be.’
Through the remisting glass, Lol saw a hooded figure at his door.
‘I want you to listen,’ Athena White said.
‘I think Jane’s outside.’
‘Then send the brat away.’
‘I’m going to have to call you back,’ Lol said.
Your teddy bears – were they girls or boys?
You mean there are girl teddy bears?
Good answer, Gus Staines had said.
It had, eventually, become ridiculous. Jane laughing through tears she couldn’t stop. Tears like the rain on the window.
Did you ever feel drawn to other girls at school?
I liked some girls a lot. There were girls I preferred to hang out with. Girls I wanted to hang out with, and I was quite disappointed when they didn’t want to hang out with me.
Not what I meant by ‘drawn to’, Jane.
Jane threw off her parka, flopped in front of Lol’s stove, shivering.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ Lol said. ‘Brandy?’
‘You trying to seduce me?’
‘I was thinking for the shock.’
‘How do you know I’ve had a shock?’
Lol shrugged.
‘There was a time when I kind of wanted you to. Seduce me.’
‘Jane, maybe this is not the time—’
‘No – listen – it is.’ She looked up at him; he looked worried. ‘It is the time. I had a crush on you – before Mum, obviously, I’ve never been that sick. You with your hesitant, unworldly, damaged—’
‘Who’ve you been talking to?’
‘Gus at the bookshop.’
‘Bloody hell, Jane, you do like to seek out the most authoritative sources.’
‘She was very nice about it. She let me unload everything. She was very patient.’
See, I was playing it cool. Didn’t want to comes across as some wispy new generation New Age loony. It was Sam who started talking about it. Pointing up to Carn Ingli, in the Preseli Hills, the most mystical place in Pembrokeshire. If you spend a night up there you’re supposed to come down as a visionary. Sam was like, ‘Well, why not? These stories don’t come out of nowhere, they’re crucially important. They should inform archaeology.’
And did you go up there together? To sleep at… where was it?
Carn Ingli. No, because that was the night we got pissed and I spent the night in her bed. She wanted to do it the next night, go up there and I thought, Christ, it would be like commitment, like getting engaged or something. So next day I came home. I didn’t have to, but I was terrified.
Terrified?
That it was… like a latent thing?
Latent… at nineteen? Oh Jane, you’re so funny. All right, Sam. Is she feminine, or…?
She’s very attractive. In a very appealing, down-to-earth kind of way. She became my refuge. I wanted to be with her.
‘She keeps texting me,’ Jane told Lol. ‘She’s offered to get me into another dig. Which would be great. She’s clearly a bit, you know, in love? I think. I mean, how would I know? I’m nineteen years old in the Third Millennium and a complete innocent. I’ve been with just one guy and… and one woman… possibly. An innocent and a complete mental case – you can see that, you spent whole years amongst them.’ She stopped, looking into his anxious eyes. ‘You’re going to tell me I’m not, right? That I’m not, at the very least, in the middle of a breakdown.’
‘I’m not qualified,’ Lol said.
Jane moved away from the stove to lean her back against the seat of the sofa and told him about going with Mum to the place with the ruins and the brook and the mysterious plateau below the forestry, where she’d become aware of the woman in black, and the black had fallen away.
‘I hoped it was a ghost. I did not want it to be the other thing.’
‘What other thing?’
‘An image of what was really haunting me.’
‘And you didn’t tell your mum?’
‘She has enough to worry about. Doesn’t she?’
‘And did you tell Gus?’
‘No!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because it’s something that – if it’s real, and it might be – Mum might want to know, and if I couldn’t tell her…’
‘So you’re just telling me?’
‘I’m just telling you. You’re the only person I can trust. And you did a psychotherapy course.’
‘I dropped out of a psychotherapy course. To learn a fifteenth chord.’
Jane grinned.
‘Even Irene knows more than fifteen chords.’
‘Irene?’
‘Slip of the tongue. It means nothing.’
‘Listen,’ Lol said. ‘I have one question, as a failed psychotherapist and former mental patient. This… whatever you thought you saw… have you seen it since… in any form?’
‘It haunts me. Makes me shiver. If I’ve learned one thing, watching Mum dithering and agonizing, it’s that ghosts are the least of what can haunt you.’
Merrily called Huw from the gloom of the Etnam Street car park, at the bottom end of Leominster, noticing how few cars were parked under its pine trees in case one should come down in the gale.
‘You were right. I shouldn’t have gone. If I hadn’t gone, I might’ve given up on Cwmarrow on the basis that there was nothing else I could do. And now I can’t.’
‘Dementia itself can be frightening, lass.’
He sounded cautious.
‘It’s frightening to begin with,’ she said, ‘because you know there’s no way back. If you’re on the outside, you’re terrified you might end up hating someone you love because it’s not the same person. Because, increasingly, there isn’t a person there at all.’
She’d thought hard about this, reliving it again and again, everything that happened at Lyme Farm, as she drove very slowly back to Leominster, headlights on, under creaking trees.
Reliving it again now, for Huw.
When she’d finished, it was like the signal had gone. She looked up at the wavering pines, matt black on deepening grey.
‘Huw?’
‘It’s a bugger, Merrily. I don’t know what to advise you.’
‘No.’
‘How sure are you?’
‘On one level, as sure as I can be. I was expecting a sad, befuddled old man.’
‘Arguably, lass, what you’ve just described to me is a sad, befuddled old man.’
‘The difference is in the detail. I assure you I didn’t want to feel a sense of deep… negativity. What scares me most is the very idea of suggesting that dementia leaves people open to elements of oppression… or worse.’
‘It’s not the norm, but it’s always a possibility, even though, in a case of dementia, the borderline between psychiatry and the other thing is almost unchartable. Were you scared in the other sense?’
‘Well… yes. Bit shocked, you know, at what I’d seen. I mean, I do know what one looks like in a state of arousal, but this—’
‘Was that arousal displayed in any other way?’
‘He was perfectly calm. Nothing… except the lights in his eyes. Coming from his eyes. Or from behind his eyes.’
‘Don’t like that.’
‘And then the use of the name.’
‘Your name.’
‘Uttered at exactly the right moment for maximum impact. On me. Just on me.’
‘And you think he couldn’t’ve known.’
‘But I can’t prove that, not even to myself. Can’t prove any of it. Could just be me. In my state of palpitating insecurity. The worst that anybody’s implied is that Selwyn Kindley-Pryce was driven out of his mind by something in the house.’
‘In other words, nobody’s suggested it might have gone with him.’
‘No.’
‘And what do you think it is?’
‘I’ve no idea. There’s no clear history apart from recent history. I was hoping that if Kindley-Pryce had short periods of rationality he might just throw me a clue. But in the end, it was his son. I met his son. I think his son is scared of him.’
‘Go home,’ Huw said.
‘And then what?’
‘You can’t be the only one to’ve noticed summat. Even if not everybody would draw the same conclusions. Who haven’t you talked to?’
‘Caroline Goddard. His writing partner. At the very least.’
‘If anybody knows, it’s likely to be her.’
‘She certainly got out fast enough. Despite the obvious financial incentives to carry on. But I don’t know where she is, and her publishers have no particular reason to get back to me. I’ll keep trying.’
‘And keep talking to me, all right? Because we both know where this could end up?’
‘Major exorcism? Do you think?’
Which she’d never done, and which…
‘And you know what that means,’ Huw said.
… which she couldn’t do without permission from her bishop.
Dear God.
‘Get off home. I’ll talk to you later. If the wind hasn’t brought down the phone lines and the bloody mobile masts.’
51
Be an echo, not a voice
.dias nitraM ?,eno eht tsuj ylbaborp saw ti sa ?? .ssorc krad a htiw hguorht dehsals erauqs yerg yltsohg a saw wodniw eht ,ssenkcalb eht nI ??sa ,noitareggaxe na sseltbuod saw siht dias eh neht dnA? .kcab tnew daeh s?ylirreM .ylhsrah delkcarc enil enohp ehT ?.esecoid eht ni stseirp nemow fo rebmun a htiw snoitaler lanrac dah dah retnuH taht mih ot detroper neeb dah ti dias eH .revo siht teg llahs I .ylirreM ,thguoht eht hsireP? ?.etadidnac a eb thgim eh gniyas ecno reveN? ?.ecnedifnoc tsomtu eht htiw detaert eb dluow mih dlot I gnihtyna taht dnA .elbissop sa ylteercsid sa ,dias eh ,dehsilpmocca eb ot deen dluow ,noitpurroc eht fo erutan eht nevig ,hcihw boj A? ?.ti od ot dah enoemos tub boj ytrid A? ?.hsiler dluow yllanosrep eh taht ,dias eh ,ksat a toN .drow siH? ?.suoroloD? ?.enoemos rof ,ksat suorolod A .egamad eht riaper ot drofereH fo pohsiB txen eht ot llaf dluow ti ? mungerretni fo ,yllaitnesse ,doirep a saw dias eh hcihw ? eromnuD retfa tub drofereH fo esecoiD eht detpurroc dah retnuH tnetxe tahw ot nwonk eb reven thgim ti dias eh ? eussi siht ot etuor suotiucric ,gnol a koot eh taht dnatsrednu ot evah uoy dna ? dias eH .retnuH tuoba em ksa did eh diarfa m?I ,sey dnA .gnikniht saw eh yaw eht ni ton fI? ?.saw ti hcihW? ?.selbmahs etelpmoc a saw ti dias I ,nettogrof evah ot dalg etiuq m?I eman esohw tsirtaihcysp a dna nâiS dna uoy htiw lenap ecnareviled devil-trohs eht no gnivres tuoba em deksa eh nehw ,oS .edis sih no saw I thguoht eh fi erom nrael d?I gnileef ,t?ndid I dna ,mih htiw eugra ot em tcepxe t?ndid ylraelc eH .drow siH? ?.retsiniS? ?.retsinis ylirassecennu tsom eht dnA .hcruhC eht fo edis detadtuo tsom eht ot sevlesruo desopxe ,dias eh ,htob dah eW .flesmih ekiL .hguorht dewollof ton tub esruoc ecnareviled a enod d?I taht dootsrednu eh dias eH? ?.nitraM ,airetsyh saw tahT? ?.ytivel rof emit on si siht ,ylirreM ,ti pots ,hO? ??lairetam nonac esooL? ?.em ni lairetam nonac ees dluoc eh diaS .yldneirf yrev saw eh nehT? ?.eurt si tahT? ?.epytoerets a ton ma I .ylgnorw thguoht eH .tihsllub epytoerets yob-yag siht llA .pissog a saw I thguoht eh ,kooL .doG hO? ??retnuH noitnem eh did ,nitraM? .htaed s?leinaD retfa hcruhc sih fo lecnahc eht ni ,derettibme dna knurd ,enod dah nitraM tahw yltcaxe ygrelc fo eiretoc gniworg tub llams sih fo eno morf denrael evah thgim sennI esuaceb neeb evah dluow noitatiseh rof nosaer rehto eht ,ylsuoivbO ??evah dluow ti kniht uoY? ??mih htiw dah uoy pihsnoitaler revetahw denosiop ylsseldeen I fi tahw tuB .uoy llet ot thguoht I ,ees ,pohsiB emaceb eh nehW? ?.esruoc fO? ??htrow eb thgim ti tahw gniknihT? ?.egaraciv eht tuo gnikcehC .ecno naht erom dnA .sdik dna efiw sih htiW .remmus eht revo ,egalliv eht ni mih nees d?I taht retal gnizilaer ylnO .erehwemos morf mih dezingocer yletaidemmi I ,pohsiB wen eht fo serutcip was tsrif I nehw hguohT .oN? ??uoy did rO .neht sennI giarC wonk t?ndid uoY .laiciffo gnihton tub ,gniriter mih fo sruomuR .pohsiB llits saw eromnuD einreB .neht ,tnatropmi os mees t?ndid tI? ??mucol sa ereh emac uoy erofeb saw sihT? ??top eht gnirrits tsuj saw I fi tahW .uoy llet ot rehtehw revo ,ees ,ffo dna no ,shtnom rof gnizinoga neeb ev?I .em tsniaga siht dloh t?nod esaelP? ??deksa eh tuB? ?.llet ot gnihtyna wonk t?ndid I dias I? .dias nitraM ?,uoy tuoba gnihtyna mih llet t?ndid I? .ekas nwo sih roF .airetirc s?enoyna yb gniht dab on saw hcihw ,erom yna ecnareviled od t?ndid tsuj eH .wuH htiw esruoc eht enod d?eH .deifilauq saw eH ??ylirreM ,hO? ??ecnareviled ssucsid eh dna uoy diD? ?.did eH? .dehcrap saw eciov siH ?.sey hO? ?.uoy tuoba tol a draeh d?eh dias ylbaborp eh ?d?eh tuB? ?.ecnO .ylfeirb mih tem d?I? ?.drofereH fo pohsiB rof emarf eht ni eb thgim eh taht derepsihw neve saw ti erofeB .uoy ees ot emac eh erofeb sennI giarC tem neve t?ndah uoy gnisseug m?I ,nitraM? .diova dluow stseirp tsom elpoep ot citehtapmys mih ekam syawla dluow sessenkaew nwo sih fo ecnatpecca siH ?meht tuohtiw eb hcruhC eht dluow erehw tub ,kcirevam a saw eH ?.gnoleb uoy erehw si sihT .t?ndluow uoy ,oN? ?.dluow I .worromot og d?I od ot deifilauq yawflah saw I esle gnihtyna saw ereht fI .boj siht tiuq dluohs I .stonk ydoolb ni evil I .eurt ton s?taht ,oN ?uoy ,stonk ni flesym eit em ekam syawla uoY !ylirreM ,hO? ?tub ,ni sruovaf dellac ohw nosrep fo dnik eht sa flesreh fo kniht ot ekil t?ndid ehs ,lleH ??wonk ot tnaw I yhw em gniksa uoy t?nera yhW? .erif suonevar a ekil gniraor saw dniw eht ,edistuO ?.nitraM ,noitseuq enO? ?.ylsuoivbO .sey ,naem I .wonk t?nod I? ??eromnuD einreB taht nwonk yllaiciffo saw ti erofeb oS? ?.raey eht ni ylraE .ylbaborP? ??raey siht ti saW? ?.aera eht ni saw eH? ?.eulb eht fo tuo ?tsuJ? ?.rehtona eno otni nar tsuj eW? ?.neht ,gniteem deludehcs a toN? ?.sgniht eseht fo yraid a peek t?nod I ,ylirreM ,hO? ??mih ees tsal uoy did nehw oS .taht ekil skaeps uoy fo rehtien dna ,ffidraC morf er?uoy dna ,htuomnoM neht dna esecoid nocerB dna aesnawS ni saw eh dnA .llams taht ton tub ,nitraM ,yrtnuoc llams a s?tI? ??ti t?nsi ,selaW morf htob er?ew ,lleW? ??ydaerla mih wenk uoy gninaeM? ?.pohsiB sa ?tey em ees ot neeb t?nsah eh ,wonk uoy ,lleW? ??mih tem uoy evaH? ?.sennI giarC pohsiB? .enil gnilkcarc a nwod dehgis eH ?.neht ,thgiR? .tseirp hsirap ,xodohtronu fi ,doog a dna ,nitraM ,nam dnik a saw eH .erutuf eht ni emitemos ecalp ylohnu emas taht tisiv ot esuac evah thgim ro ,oot ,ereht neeb ylbaborp d?uoy esuaceb meht tuoba klat t?ndid uoy hguone llew mih wenk uoy fi dna ,demrah ydobon ,esle ydobon ,doG dna nitraM neewteb ,sgniht etavirp erew eseht tuB .ynapmoc gnorw eht ni tuoba de
klat eb ot yeht erew hcruhC eht fo tuo nworht mih tog evah dluoc taht sgniht suoigelircas ,derettibmE .sgniht dab emos enod d?eh ,leinaD ,rentrap sih fo htaed detaler-VIH ,detcepxenu eht retfA .esirprus gib on saw taht ,dedraug gnidnuos nitraM .degnoleb ti detcepsus ehs erehw krad eht ni llac eht koot ,pmal ksed eht ffo dehctiwS .nwod tas dna kcab emac ,rood eht esolc ot tnew ,ksed eht no enohp eht dial ehS ?.nitraM ,dnoces a em evig tsuJ? ??uoy oD? .dias nitraM ?,tuoba segassem evael ot tnaw t?nod uoy sgniht emoS? ?.thgiR? ?.egassem a evael ot tnaw t?ndiD .semit lareves dellac ev?I .hcaebgnoL nitraM .si ti ,nitraM? ?.hO? ??ylirreM? .gnir dnoces eht erofeb enohp eht pu dehctans dna dniw eht ot denetsil dna nwod tas ehS .kcab llac d?eH .erauqs eht no dekrap neeb dah kcurt sih ,egalliv eht ot kcab tog d?ehs nehW .siht ekil thgin a no ton ,yawa raf eb t?ndluoc eH .rewsna on tog dna loL gnar ,yrellucs eht ot kcab tnew ehS .elihw a rof tsuJ .ecaps emos dnif ot deen did ehs ebyaM ?.lliw I ,KO? ?.oG? ???uoy erA? ?.mih gniR .no oG .gnihtemos teg nac I ,ereh ton er?uoy fi ,rO .retal tae s?teL? ??tae ot tnaw uoy t?noD? ?.revo og tsuj rO ?loL llac uoy t?nod yhw ,kooL? .elims a pu thguorb neht dna ,ylmirg tsomla ,dias enaJ ?,esoprup fo esnes dewener a ,tsael yrev eht ta ,gnitteg ma I? ??gnitteg uoy era tahW? .yawyna ,erihsekorbmeP ot enog d?ehs erofeb ecnis toN .elihw doog a ni nees t?ndah ylirreM yaw a ni desucof saw ehS .degnahc dah reh tuoba gnihtemoS ?.egats siht ta deticxerevo gnitteg ton m?I .parc etelpmoc eb ot tuo nrut dluoc ti ,ti ecaf s?tel ,rO .yvaeh eb dluoc sihT .tuo kcehc ot tnaw I sgniht erom emos tsuJ .snnijd dnA? ??yxoF? ??nac I ro ,muM ,won siht tuoba klat nac eW? .noitpurretni detnawnu na saw siht fi sa gniworran seye ,pu dekool ehS .aet fo top a dna koob s?rehtaeL srM ,stuotnirp emos ,daPi reh htiw sthgil wol rednu elbat yrotcefer eht ta gnittis saw enaJ erehw ,nehctik eht otni kcab tnew ehS .regguB .uoy knahT .ycavirp reh tcepser nac uoy sepoh ehs dna ,snaf gnidnamed morf liam htiw dedrabmob neeb s?ehs ,enigami nac uoy sA .ssucsid ot stnaw ehs gnihtemos ton dna tsap eht ni hcum yrev era skoob enotselwoR yxoF reh syas ehs tub ,rebmun ruoy reh nevig dna eniloraC ot nekops ev?ew ,sniktaW srM .rehsilbup s?draddoG eniloraC morf saw enihcam eht no egassem ylno eht dna krad ylluf saw ti ,kcab TOG EHS NEHW