Am I here for the apartment? “Maybe. Mind if I have a look around?”
“Help yourself.” He led me up six flights of stairs at a snail’s pace.
I caught a whiff of stale cigarettes, and my mouth turned down at the sight of his stained jeans and tattered shirt. The man had always made me uncomfortable. Since the last time I’d seen him, I was older and wiser, and I questioned the wisdom of being alone with him. He was scrawny, however, and I decided I could probably take him.
When we reached the apartment, he jammed a key in the lock, wrestling with it a bit to get it to turn. Once he had the door open, it was like a blast from the past. The one-room studio hadn’t changed at all over the years. It was still a rundown shithole, but I felt this ridicu‐ lous sense of attachment.
“I could do seventeen grand if you wanted to pay up front for a whole year again,” he said casually, as if he were doing me the biggest favor in the world.
I ignored him, walking to the center of the room where that damn sofa was still sitting. “Hmm. You said yourself you owe me,” I said, running my eyes along the torn arm, padding peeking through. What the hell was I doing? This dump wasn’t worth a hundred bucks a month. I sure as hell wouldn’t pay for a year up front. I didn’t plan on being away from my real home—with Daniel—for very long.
“That was a while ago. And, well, this is now.” His greedy eyes raked me up and down as he envisioned other methods of payment.
“This is now, and you’ve really let the place go.” I looked around, disgusted.
I moved the few feet across the room to the tiny bathroom. There was still a rust ring around the tub, and the toilet had stains too. Any sane person would have high-tailed it out of there, but I wanted to come back. I needed to remember where it had all started. Maybe then I could get it back.
“Whaddya think?” he asked from behind me. I moved so he was forced into the bigger area and out of my personal space.
“A grand. One month.” “No way.”
I folded my arms and gave him a withering look.
“Well, maybe for an old tenant, I could do this one favor.” “Go get the lease.”
“Be right back.” He jetted from the room, and I turned in a circle, looking around, knowing I hadn’t lost my mind. This was what I was supposed to do. It was where I needed to be right now.
I LIKED COUNTRY MUSIC. I was from Texas, by God. Didn’t that make it some sort of requirement? Truthfully, I knew plenty of Texans who couldn’t stand country music of any kind. Some of them even wore Stetson hats, cowboy boots, and belt buckles that rivaled the size of the state. But that music always evoked the best memories of my father, when he’d been “Daddy” to me. I’d sit beside him in his pickup truck, and we’d sing along to my tape of “Baby’s Got Her Blue Jeans On” at the top of our lungs with the windows rolled down. That was when it seemed like there was a chance I might work my way into his heart and stay there.
I threw a sweater in my suitcase and surveyed the foyer. Seven days. They’d passed too quickly. It was hard to believe this could be the last time I’d ever be in the apartment I’d shared with Daniel. I wasn’t ready to face that, didn’t want to think about it.
Sorting through the mass of stuff I’d acquired over my time with Daniel, I found a copy of that tape and got distracted trying to find a tape player. Buried on a shelf near the bottom of the closet in the study, I found one. I yanked, the cord stuck underneath something, and I sprawled backward, landing on my rear with an oomph. The tape player came loose and bounced off my shin before clattering to the floor beside me.
“Son of a gun.”
I rubbed my leg, glared at the dusty machine, and shifted to my knees. Eye level with the shelf, I noticed a box labeled ‘Cassettes’ beside the now empty space. Curiosity getting the better of me, I pulled it down—carefully—to see if I found anything interesting. A stalling technique, if I were being honest. I wasn’t ready to leave yet, and my time was almost up.
I threw off the lid to the banker’s box. I smiled wryly, noticing the cassettes were alphabetized by artist. The man liked his order, that was for sure. Tucked down the side of the organized rows of tapes was a faded yellow file folder.
Figuring it was a list of all the tapes in the box, I slid the folder from its place and opened the cover. The pages inside were in pristine shape, like someone had stuffed them into this folder, never to be looked at. My attention caught on the heading ‘Autopsy Report’. I hesitated. Put it back, Vivian. My fingers clutched the folder; I couldn’t make myself return it to the box. The fact that this was stashed errantly when Daniel was meticulous with his files was reason enough for me to give in to temptation.
I sucked in a breath when I read the name on the report. Keith Hardy Elliott. Daniel’s father. I knew Daniel wouldn’t want me to see this. He harbored so much hatred toward the man, even after all this time, and he’d kept me away from anything to do with him. Given what Daniel’s own flesh and blood had done to him, I couldn’t blame him.
Even knowing he wouldn’t want me to read the report, I couldn’t help myself. The word ‘suicide’ jumped out at me. That was listed as the cause of death, which aligned with what Daniel had told me. But as I read further, the report started to contradict itself. How could someone hang himself from a shower rod when he had two broken legs? According to the coroner, there were signs of a struggle, even markings around the neck under the rope burn that looked like fingers. I gripped the papers to the point where they crinkled on the edges. It read as if someone had strung up Keith Elliott and then used him as a piñata. The police chalked it up to the seedy motel where he’d been found. I didn’t buy it.
I immediately went back to the top, devouring the document. By the time I made it through a second time, my hands trembled.
I wondered if Daniel knew about this. By all appearances, he’d never touched these papers. He’d told me his father had committed suicide. And he didn’t lie to me. Though his actions this week were those of a stranger. Maybe he wasn’t the man I thought I knew. This was murder. No doubt in my mind.
I stuffed the papers back into the folder and had a moment of hesi‐ tation about what to do with them. Sometimes it was better to let sleeping dogs lie, so I abandoned the folder on the floor in the closet.
The triumph over discovering a tape player felt tainted now that I’d seen that report. My gut told me dredging it up would hurt Daniel. That was motivation enough to forget about it. I went back to the foyer, where I’d been sorting through my things. I put on my song, playing it over and over, the memory helping to ease the pain of sepa‐ rating from a life I wasn’t ready to part with.
Everything I had the day I agreed to be Daniel’s was there, down to the suitcase I’d had when I first came to New York. When I found something pre-Daniel, I packed it in that bag. There wasn’t much— mostly clothes, which fortunately still fit. I slipped on a pair of jeans I’d had since high school, ones that hadn’t seen the light of day in forever. There was a hole in the left knee and a tear on the right thigh. People paid hundreds of dollars for this look, and I’d accomplished it by loving those damn things so much. I unclasped the La Perla bra I had on and tossed it on top of the pile of things that were no longer mine, choosing a soft pink cotton one with faded roses on it from the stuff that was. I pulled my favorite black sweatshirt over my head. It had a wide neck, revealing a peek of shoulder. As I took in my reflection in the full-length mirror that hung near the front door, I looked like the twenty-two year old I’d once been. In truth, I hadn’t changed all that much on the inside either. What had changed was because of Daniel, and it was for the better.
My options for footwear included a pair of black pumps with a worn down heel, Keds, the blue tags on the backs long gone, or black ballet slippers. Where have these beauties been hiding? I caressed the worn leather, tracing the cracks formed from so much use. I’d had my ballet slippers re-soled and the hole in the toe repaired shortly after Daniel and I moved in together
. I’d missed these old things, and discovering them healed a small part of my broken heart. I bet if Daniel saw me in them, he’d remember what they meant too. I put those puppies on and felt like I did every time I wore them…like I could flit around on air.
Time was almost up for me in the apartment—only a few hours left—so I zipped up my suitcase and propped it by the door next to the bags Daniel had packed for me. When I looked at one of the particularly large pieces of luggage, I felt a stab of pain in my chest. Daniel had put all the photographs of us in it—some in frames, most of them loose. As if him telling me it was over wasn’t enough, he had to emphasize that he didn’t want any reminders of us.
He’d disappeared for the entire week. I had slept in our bed along with Muriella, who refused to leave me on my own, used our room as if I still belonged there, and left my mark anywhere I could. I put little mementos in the pockets of his suit pants, jeans, shirts, jackets, in the bathroom drawers, the nightstand, on his pillow. Buttons from clothes we’d ripped off of one another, ticket stubs from concerts we’d seen, the touristy magnets we’d collected from places around the world, my favorite lip gloss that I always made him hold for me.
And the photos…I separated the duplicate copies for myself. The remaining pictures I stuffed in drawers, books, between seat cushions, even in the refrigerator. The framed ones I placed more strategically. Setting them out in the open would have been too obvious, so I put one in the pantry behind his favorite bag of chips. Buried another in his underwear drawer. Hid one in the top of the closet behind the box where he kept important papers. I set up one in the safe, nestled against the most significant piece of jewelry he’d ever given me. I layered the memories—some of them would assault him right away, others would show up later when he wasn’t expecting it.
The only photo I left out in plain sight was one that was taken on our first date. It had had pride of place on his desk for nearly eight years. It hurt the most that he didn’t want it any more. I placed it front and center on the desk in his study, along with the keys to our homes all over the world. They were all on one ring. I knew what each of them went to except one. I’d asked, but he’d never told me, promising that when the time was right, I’d find the lock it fit.
One last touch was necessary before I left. I went to the stereo nestled among the books on the built-in shelves of the study. It only took a moment to find what I was looking for. “Borderline” by Madonna showed up on the touch screen display, and I pressed play, set the repeat function, and turned up the volume so loud it rattled the windows. He had a love/hate relationship with this song, but I knew it would have its intended effect. I might be gone in a few minutes, but I sure as hell wasn’t leaving.
SUITCASE IN HAND, I left the apartment as if I was going on a trip, not like it was the last time I’d ever see it. Our residence took up the entire top floor of the building. Muriella’s apartment was spread out on the one below. I stopped by, and she threw open the door when I rang the bell, flinging her arms around my neck. I let her hug me as long as she wanted, returning the embrace after I abandoned my suitcase.
“Why are you ringing the bell?” she asked.
“I left all my keys upstairs,” I explained, and her face crumpled in pain.
“Don’t go.” Her dark eyes filled with tears as she begged me, and I put on a brave smile.
“I left everything exactly where it was in the foyer. Let him deal with it.” I brushed the errant tear that slid down her cheek when she nodded. “Don’t do that. You’re going to make me cry.”
“You stay here with me. I miss you already,” Muriella choked out between sobs.
I missed her already too. She was the main reason I was holding up as well as I was.
“Now why are you doing a thing like that?” I said as I wiped another tear from her face. “Do you think I would ever give you up? I don’t give a fuck what he says. Just because he thinks he’s God doesn’t make it so. He won’t take you away from me,” I said, hugging her fiercely.
She lifted her head from my chest, her long, dark lashes wet as she blinked up at me. “Watch your mouth,” she chided, and we both grinned.
“If you make me cry, you’re going to hear some serious swearing,” I warned, scrunching my nose to combat the sting in my eyes.
“Who is going to keep you in line, V?”
“You are. You’re going to have to travel a little to do it, but I know you’re up for the task. I can’t make it easy on you, now can I?” I kissed her forehead and wiped away more of her tears.
“This is the first time I’ve ever hated him,” Muriella confessed softly.
I took both her hands in mine. “What do you mean?” The only thing Muriella loved more than Daniel was God. She couldn’t hate him.
“He’s making me choose between you. I hate him for that.” My heart ripped at the pain in her voice. She of all people didn’t deserve to be a casualty of this mess Daniel had created. “You don’t have to choose. You have both of us. I don’t want you to hate him.” I thought I could do that enough for both of us, but it wasn’t as easy as I had assumed. The truth was I didn’t hate him at all, only his ridiculous behavior over the past week.
She smiled solemnly and took my face in her warm hands. “That’s why you’re the angel. I never told you this, but I prayed for you every single day to come to him. God had already answered my prayers once by saving me. I didn’t have the right to ask for anything else, but I did anyway. One night when Daniel came home, I knew God had answered my prayer. There was a spark in his eyes I’d never seen. When I asked him who he’d met, he said he wasn’t sure if it was the devil or an angel. But I knew. He acted like it didn’t matter, so I prayed harder until finally you came to us. The angel. I’m sorry God denied my pleas that you could stay forever.”
I was at a loss for words. This woman had been through unspeakable hell, yet she was the finest person I’d ever known. I had taken for granted having her around every day for many years. I wouldn’t make that mistake any longer.
“I can’t choose between you. I love you both too much.” She cried again in earnest, her grip on my face tightening.
“That’s why you’re going to stay here and look after him. He needs you. I need you to do this for me,” I pleaded. “There is no choice. Do you understand? We are a family, and nothing will change that. This thing we have is bigger than whatever crap is going on right now.”
Muriella straightened her spine, and our strength fed off each other. “I’ll bring you plenty to eat tomorrow. We’ll have lunch.”
“Let me give you a key. You remember the old place?” She scowled, but said nothing as we detached from one another long enough for me to dig out the extra key. “Oh, and M?”
“What is it, V?”
“I left Madonna playing on the stereo upstairs. Please leave it on until he comes back.”
She flashed me a wicked grin. “That will be a nice welcome home for him.” Daniel was always stuck with our choice in music, but his protests were mostly for show.
“Come over to my new place whenever you want,” I said, squeezing her again.
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Hang on a sec.” She disappeared from the foyer for a moment before returning with a brown paper bag. “This will hold you over for tonight. And I’ll be furious if it’s not all gone by the time I see you again. You need to eat.”
“Wait.” I placed a hand on her shoulder. “I know you’ve already gone to the trouble of cooking, but will you go with me to get something to eat? I—”
Muriella squeezed my hand, understanding in her eyes. “Say no more. Is that new place we haven’t tried yet okay?”
“Anything. I don’t really feel like going out, but I can’t take just sitting around alone,” I confessed.
“I’ll wash my face and grab my purse.” She was halfway down the hall to her bedroom when she looked back. “I’m glad you asked. I feel I’ve been no help to you. That you don’t want to burden me.”
“I’d be rotting on the floor and starved to death if it weren’t for you,” I said honestly.
Satisfied, she continued toward her room. I was on her heels. I didn’t want to be alone, not for a second. Muriella would understand, would never accuse me of being clingy even if I was. Thank God I had her. I needed her now more than ever.
Chapter 9
VIVIAN
* * *
Eight Years Earlier
* * *
ALL COMMUNICATION from Daniel ceased after our chat in front of Paths of Purpose. I was disappointed, expecting more from him. I didn’t envision him as a quitter, someone so easily scared away. And I didn’t think I was asking too much, wanting to know him before intimacy. I couldn’t risk being a one-night stand…not with him. I felt him too much already in places I wasn’t sure I wanted him to be. If he rejected me, the hit would be a blow to my fragile confidence. I’d only alluded to a relationship beyond sex, and he’d shut down faster than a power station struck by lightning.
Except for that brief kiss he’d taken, and I’d been all too willing to give back. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, the memory from a week ago still fresh the way I’d felt that contact from head to toe, like I was his string and he’d plucked me. It was a mistake to give him anything. He’d proved he was in control, and I wanted him to be. My heart was a fragile thing, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could resist him.
I went back to my life, and he did whatever it was he did. I was only a few days away from my six-month evaluation at Hamerstein, but I wasn’t leaving anything to chance, working harder and longer than ever, making sure my presence at this company became a neces‐ sity, not an option. All the interns had stepped up their game hoping to get a permanent position, but I didn’t let that discourage me. There was no way in hell I was going back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs. My desk phone rang at 4:45 on Friday afternoon. Mr. Hamerstein’s secretary summoned me to his office. I smoothed my hair, refreshed my lipstick, and went to my boss’s office. My evaluation wasn’t scheduled for another week, but I squelched the butter‐ flies and put on my game face. I was determined not to leave that office as an intern.
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