by Taylor Dean
Yet, the doctor said she was fine. Go figure. Obviously his definition of fine and hers differed greatly. His “fine” meant she was going to live—and that’s about it.
Jack was positively doting and Chloe soaked up the attention. He wheeled her to the car and drove her home, asking if she was okay at least thirty times. By the time he placed her in her bed, it was four a.m. and he’d now apologized at least fifty times.
“Jack, stop, it’s not your fault.”
“It’s all the construction. The doors are open all day with workers wandering in and out of the house. It’s like an open invitation to ‘come on in and join the party.’ I’m not okay with that.”
“Can we spray one more time?”
“You just read my mind. Now get some sleep. I’ll be right here if you need me.”
Jack settled himself in the chair next to the bed, one hand holding hers. He kicked his feet up and rested his head on the back of the chair, his eyes closed, his breathing slow and easy.
Chloe wiped away an errant tear. Jack didn’t ask if she needed him. He didn’t ask if he could stay. He insisted on it. He knew she’d say she was fine, that there was no reason why he should stay. So he didn’t ask, he just did it. And Chloe liked it. His presence left her feeling safe, warm, and secure. Best of all, she wasn’t alone.
She’d been so alone through the entire ordeal with Christopher. This is what it would’ve felt like if Mark had stayed at her side. A slice of pain ripped through her chest. If only.
Nothing would’ve changed. The outcome would’ve been the same. The pain would’ve still been there, Christopher still would’ve been lost, and she still would’ve had to bury her son.
But what a difference it would’ve made if Mark had been there for her, a constant support. His undying loyalty and devotion would’ve had the power to heal her heart, and his as well. Together, they could’ve made it through anything.
Instead, they’d grieved alone and silent. Dying while living. Terminally grief-stricken.
And it had killed them.
With that thought in her heart, Chloe fell into a fitful sleep.
Chloe awoke to Jack placing an ice bag on her foot and fluffing the pillow to properly elevate her leg above her heart.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
He looked fresh and cheerful, his face showing no evidence that he’d had very little sleep. His hair was wet. He’d taken a shower in her house for the second time and for some reason the thought made her feel tingly.
No, that was just the scorpion sting. Right?
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck.”
“That good, huh? You know, I’ve lived in Arizona my entire life and never once encountered a scorpion.”
“Your new house will remedy the situation, I’m sure.”
He cringed. “I’m never going to sleep again in my life. This does not bode well for me.”
“Maybe you ought to rethink this house.”
“Actually I spent some time doing a little research while you slept.”
Chloe swallowed. It was so strange to think Jack had been in her room, watching her sleep. Had she drooled, snored, or made funny noises? “Smart phones are amazing. Who needs a library? What did you find out?”
“More than I’d like to know. Scorpions love humans. We provide food and shelter for them. It’s not that I moved into a desert area and invaded the scorpions’ home turf, it’s that the house was built and provided a place where scorpions can not only thrive, but a place where they can congregate and have a freakin’ party. They love well irrigated areas…”
“Strike one.”
“…and they love orchards.”
“Strike two.”
“My yard’s a virtual paradise for them.”
“Third strike and you’re out.”
“I’m already sitting on the sidelines, honey.”
“What will you do?”
“I’ve already made the decision to tear out the yard and trees. Fruit trees are no longer enticing. They don’t really like grass, but a concrete jungle suddenly appeals. I want a featureless yard where the little critters have no place to hide. I’m going to have a pool put in. Yes, they like water, but it’s only one concentrated place in a big, open area and I think I can control the population with the help of an exterminator. If they don’t have food, they won’t want to live there.”
“What’s their food?”
“Spiders, crickets, each other.”
“Gross.”
“They like to hide in cracks and crevices, under rocks and woodpiles, or under debris stored around the house. I won’t give them any place to hide. I’ll have the property fenced in too, maybe that’ll help. I’m also going to have the house ‘scorpion proofed.’ A company comes out and caulks all openings and crevices. Amazingly, they can fit into a crevice as small as a credit card. With the exception of glass, the agile little critters can climb anything. I think that gives them an unfair advantage.”
“Okay, given all those measures, I guess I might step foot in the house again.”
“Just not a bare foot.”
Chloe guffawed. “You’re such a comedian, Jack.”
“Someone has to cheer you up.”
Jack’s expression changed, his eyes serious and grave. “You scared me. I’m really sorry, Chloe.”
“I know, Jack. I’m not upset with you.” It was hardly his fault. “Thank you for staying with me, for watching over me.”
Jack’s eyes wandered around the room. “It feels strange to be in your bedroom—I mean, the room that belonged to you and Mark. I feel like an intruder.”
“Mark and I have been in separate bedrooms for over a year. That part of our marriage died a long time ago.”
Jack nodded. “I wondered about that.”
Chloe breathed in and out heavily, feeling as though a weight had settled on top of her. Lying around in bed was going to be difficult at best. Being busy had been the cure for her gloominess. Now she had to lie in bed for the next few days with nothing to think about except her sorry life. It all came back to her, the familiar dark feelings, the despair, the loneliness.
Jack perceived her mood. “Don’t spiral downwards on me, Chloe.”
“I don’t want to be sad, but it finds me and knocks me down without me seeking it. Every time.”
“You’re not alone, Chloe. I’m here with you. Talk to me.”
Chloe fiddled with the covers, grateful that someone wanted to listen to her. “The grief from losing a baby creeps most people out. They don’t want to hear it.”
“I’m willing to listen anytime you need someone to talk to, Chloe. Anytime. Keeping it inside makes people turn bitter. Letting it out helps people heal.”
She wanted to let it out. She really did. Fear always stopped her. Her feelings were so intense and contradictory. “You just don’t get over losing a baby. Ever. It will always be a part of who I am. I’m not sure where that leaves me.”
Jack sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes directly trained on her. “You grieve deeply because you love deeply, Chloe. Don’t apologize for it. I like that part of you. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Their eyes locked with each other’s and Chloe felt hard pressed to look away. She didn’t want to look away. Jack was an amazing man, there was no doubt about that.
“You don’t have to live with me day in and day out. You might feel differently then,” she commented.
“I know it’s not an easy thing to witness, and it’s not an easy thing to endure either. But when you love someone, you stay with them through the good times as well as the bad times. It’s a part of life. We can’t pick and choose the times we’ll be supportive and ignore all the rest. That’s like saying to your spouse, ‘I love you when we’re on vacation. The rest of the time I can’t stand the sight of you.’ Frankly, it’s easy to love someone during the good times. It’s during the bad times that our love is tested
.”
“One of my friends said I just want attention, that I like the drama in my life. She says I want people to feel sorry for me.”
“Pardon me for saying this, but it sounds like she’s a bit of a bully when it comes to grief. Worse yet, she does it in the name of friendship. Do you believe her accusation is true?” he asked.
“I wake up every morning and wish this was not my life. I’d give anything to go back in time and change the outcome. I’m not seeking attention; I just want to talk about him, to make him real. It makes me feel like a mother.”
“Then do it. Talk about him to your heart’s content. If it makes people uncomfortable, it’s their problem.”
“Everyone is waiting for me to ‘be over it.’ They don’t realize that I’ll never be over it,” she said.
“Exactly. There’s no timeline for grief, Chloe. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”
If it wasn’t for Jack, she’d still be drowning in despair. He said the things she desperately needed to hear. Logically, she knew these things. But she needed to hear them; needed for someone to say them to her and to give her permission. “Where’ve you been all my life?” she asked with a smile, lightening the mood.
Jack chuckled. “Right here, waiting for you,” he joked as the doorbell rang and he left the room to see who it was.
Chloe’s smile died on her face. What was happening between her and Jack? Anything? Nothing? Something? She had no idea.
Jack poked his head in the doorway. “Sydney and Harper are here. Do you feel like having company?”
“Sure,” she said, then trepidation filled her. The door to The Room was wide open across the hallway. “But…”
Following the direction of her eyes, Jack perceived what she was worried about. He moved further into her room. “They asked about you and I told them about Christopher. No details, just the basics. I hope that’s okay.”
So they all knew. It wasn’t a secret—and she’d never asked Jack to keep it to himself. However, now she was the lady who lost her baby, forever labeled and looked upon with pity.
But, it was who she was. And it would never change.
Hi, I am Chloe and I have a stillborn son. I love him and I miss him every day of my life. I will never recover and I don’t want to. I will never stop talking about him and remembering him. It’s who I am.
Maybe she was the one who needed to embrace who she was. Maybe if she embraced it, everyone else would too. “That’s fine, Jack. I’d love to see them.”
Sydney and Harper walked into the room with smiling faces and a large bouquet of flowers.
“Sorry my stupid brother bought a house filled with scorpions,” Sydney said as she gave her a hug.
Jack shook his head, but said nothing.
Harper held Amelie in her arms and Chloe’s heart did a little flip-flop in her chest. None of the other children were with them.
“Mom made you a plate of cookies,” Harper said as Sydney placed the plate on her nightstand. “She sends her love.”
Chloe felt speechless. Their kindness was overwhelming.
“Would you like to hold Amelie?” Harper asked. “She likes you.”
“She may not be feeling up to it,” Sydney said lightly, giving her an out. Chloe noticed the way she glared at Harper.
“I’d love to hold her,” Chloe said, her arms outstretched. Harper placed a sleeping Amelie in her arms. “Just promise you’ll ignore the occasional tear, okay?”
“Perfectly understandable,” Harper said with a hesitant smile.
The room was suddenly silent as the trio observed her holding the baby with empathy in their expressions.
“Jack, you dork, why was there a scorpion in your house?” Sydney bumped Jack with her shoulder and he bumped her back.
“Because I wanted a pet, Syd. Quit acting jealous. I’ll give you one for Christmas.”
“Did you spray?” she asked, her tone accusing.
“Yes. I’m not ignoring the problem. Just chill.”
“It’s all the construction work. The doors and windows are always open,” Chloe remarked, defending Jack. Sydney was being rather hard on him. She was the sassy one, after all.
They all paused and stared at her for a moment as she wiped away a stray tear. Then they averted their eyes, pretending they hadn’t noticed. Except Jack. His eyes never left hers—and he looked upon her with adoration. The feeling was entirely mutual.
“Well, I’m gonna get this girl some breakfast and,” he glanced at his watch, “some pain meds. I’ll leave you ladies to it.” Jack hurried downstairs, probably glad to escape his inquiring sisters.
Sydney took a seat on the bench at the end of the bed. “How very domestic. I didn’t know Jack could boil water.”
Harper sat on the arm of the bedside chair. “I think it’s sweet. Is Jack taking good care of you, Chloe?”
“He is. Actually he hasn’t left my side.” Chloe’s voice cracked, revealing her emotion. “He’s been really wonderful.”
“So what’s the story with you two?” Sydney asked bluntly.
“We’re friends. I’m his employee. Every once in awhile we trash our spouses and make each other feel better. And he listens to me when I talk about my son—and he doesn’t get tired of it or ask me to stop. He encourages me to tell him more. I like that.”
“Jack’s a sweetheart,” Sydney said quietly. “I adore him. But don’t tell him I said that, I don’t want him to get a big head.”
Harper stood and opened the drapes, letting the fresh sunshine in. “I feel so awful, Chloe. That day you visited—and Grady just handed the baby to you—I didn’t know, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been so hard for you.”
“It was good for me, Harper. Just like it is now. To be honest, it was nice to hold a baby without feeling self conscious. Or having someone ask me if I was okay all the time.” Chloe stared down at little Amelie and her heart melted in her chest. The fine details fascinated her. Her little nose, her teeny little fingers with fingernails the size of a grain of mustard seed, her perfect eyelashes, the angelic blond hair—she was perfection. An absolute miracle. A tiny human being made without flaws.
“Jack is happy with you, Chloe,” Sydney said suddenly.
“Mom says he’s sparkling,” Harper added.
Chloe didn’t know what to say. Should she reiterate that they were friends once again?
“Taryn was mean to him. She ordered him around as if he was there to serve her. I knew he was unhappy, but he never said an unkind word about her. Not once,” Sydney informed.
“He was good to her even when she didn’t deserve it. And now she repays him by walking out with another man. I know he’s upset about it, but none of us can get him to talk about it,” Harper whispered, glancing at the door to make sure Jack wasn’t listening. “Mom’s worried about him. Does he talk about it with you?”
“Yes, he does. He’s okay. Tell her not to worry,” Chloe said and then wondered how true her words were. How much had Jack really told her about his marriage? Other than he was “relieved.” Their conversations tended to revolve around her. She suddenly felt like a jerk.
The subject was changed as Sydney and Harper wanted to know all about Jack’s new home and Chloe was happy to share the details.
It was Sydney who brought up the subject of Jack again. “Mom says Jack talks about you non-stop. Chloe this and Chloe that. Mom thinks he’s fallen for you, but he just doesn’t know it yet.”
Chloe felt speechless.
“I think so too, Chloe,” Harper said, covering her hand with her own. “He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him. I like the way he looks at you too.”
“How does he look at me?” Chloe asked, feeling slightly flustered.
“Like he’s besotted. His eyes follow you wherever you go,” Harper stated, maintaining her secretive whisper.
Jack entered the room then. If he heard what they’d been saying, he didn’t let on. He held a breakfast tray filled with his only menu
item—he hadn’t been kidding—pancakes, eggs, and bacon. Harper took Amelie and Jack placed the tray on her lap and handed her the pain meds. “Down the hatch,” he said, handing her a glass of water. He offered Sydney and Harper some breakfast, but they declined. He dashed downstairs, filled his plate and joined them upstairs, plopping onto the bed right next to her. Sydney and Harper continued to ask questions about his new home. Jack became animated as he spoke, his excitement obvious. When he was done eating, he reached out and held her hand in his, something that was not lost on either one of his sisters. Or Chloe.
After they left, Chloe napped for most of the afternoon. Jack sat next to her on the bed, above the covers, tapping away on the laptop he’d asked his sisters to bring to him. He insisted he could work from home today.
Even though she felt rotten, it was comforting to know Jack was next to her.
Jack ordered pizza for dinner and they sat side by side in her bed watching a movie while they ate.
Midway through the movie, she felt a tickling sensation on her arm. She yelped, nearly jumping out of her skin as she bounced to her knees, frantically tearing at the covers, tossing the pillows, running her hands through her hair, and tugging at her clothing as she searched for the culprit. When she came to her senses, she froze and looked at Jack, embarrassed beyond belief.
His expression was sardonic as he calmly watched her antics.
“There was a bee,” she told him.
“Ever After,” he said and then burst out laughing.
She joined him. “I’m sorry, I’m a little jumpy.”
“A little?”
“Okay, maybe a lot.” She’d looked like a crazy lady and she knew it. How embarrassing.
He chuckled lightly. “You’re adorable. Absolutely adorable, Chloe.”
Adorable. As in cute. As in kid sister. As in kittens, puppies, lollipops, rainbows, butterflies, and ladybugs.