by Jon Keys
Dustin didn’t understand why Shane wanted to push him away. No, he did understand. It was the same reason as always—he wore on people’s nerves. He chattered too much, demanded too much, was just too much.
His attention was drawn back to the arena when a barrel racer jumped across the start and pounded toward the first of the three drums. Dustin couldn’t help but grin at how closely the girl’s blonde hair matched the coat of her Palomino. He was sure the match wasn’t by accident. She made her turn too sharp and knocked a barrel over. Well, sucks to be her.
The next contestant was a tiny girl on a huge black horse. The diminutive girl’s legs stuck out at right angles from the saddle. Even from where Dustin sat, he could see the bloodred lining of the horse’s nose as it flared its nostrils in rapid succession. That animal was excited and eager to go. Dustin wondered if it was a hot-blooded horse, one that loved the competition, or both. A few minutes and he’d know.
The buzzer went off, and the horse and the girl merged into a single being. She pressed herself onto his neck as his hooves pounded for the first barrel. Dustin normally thought barrel racing was about as interesting to watch as golf, but this run held him riveted. She guided her horse with invisible touches as her horse flew through the pattern. With the final turn, she clung to his back like a tick for the flying trip to the finish line. Dustin found himself, along with most of the crowd, jumping to his feet to cheer her on. When she crossed the line, Dustin held his breath for the time to be announced. Fifteen seconds. Damn good for this arena. I bet she isn’t even twelve.
Dustin sat down, his attention diverted from the reason he’d come. He admired the rider. She had guts. Dustin let out a sigh. Not like me. I hide behind everything and anyone. Hiding behind a cocky attitude that keeps most people at a distance. I have to tell Todd I’m gay. I keep chickening out. It isn’t fair after all he’s done. I don’t want to blurt it out, though.
Dustin was drawn back into the action in the arena when the girl who’d rode so well during the barrel race charged out the gate on the same massive horse for the goat tying. Luck wasn’t with her this time. She drew a goat that outweighed her, and she couldn’t throw the animal. Knowing she couldn’t finish otherwise, one of the ringmen ran over and flipped the goat for her. Disqualified, but his action allowed her to finish her run. Not her fault. You can’t be something you ain’t.
Dustin thought about his personal demons again. He couldn’t be something he wasn’t either. He was gay; that fact wouldn’t change. Didn’t matter what his family thought of him. Dustin was surprised. He’d known this for a long time. Why had it taken a little girl with a huge amount of grit to show him?
What about Shane? Where did he fit into this whole unraveling mess?
“And now, bullfighter for this afternoon, Shane Rees.”
The announcement jarred Dustin, but he scanned the ring and spotted Shane working the crowd. Shane didn’t do elaborate entertainment like the guys who were hired to be clowns, but he could at least get a few laughs. Dustin sat motionless and watched the man who stirred up emotions he’d buried at seventeen. A few minutes later, the first rider shot out of the chute on a small bull with no horns. Dustin would have dismissed the easy ride. But he understood for the kid riding, this ride was every bit as important as riding Diablo was to him. He rode his eight seconds, and Dustin thought the rider had done a decent job, but his dismount didn’t go well, and he landed flat of his back, stunned. The bull turned back, not out of malice but fear, and ran toward the rider. Shane appeared from nowhere, startled him away at the last second, then helped the kid off the ground.
“What a sweet boy.”
Dustin twisted to find a woman who had seated herself beside him at some point while he had been watching the arena. “Yes, ma’am. That your grandson?”
“Oh heavens, no. I was talking about the clown. He’s such a nice young man, volunteers to help with the kids’ rodeo each year.”
“Volunteers?”
“Sure. The kids’ rodeo is all run by volunteers. This is the fifth year the Rees boy has been our rodeo clown.”
Not paying a lot of attention to the woman talking to him, he watched as Shane paraded around the ring in a game of tag with the second bull. He volunteers. For free. To help.
Dustin sat for a long time, ignoring additional comments from his neighbor, and thought about this strange man who had entered his life.
Chapter Five
Shane turned from the county road to the familiar driveway of the ranch his family had owned for more than a century. As with every other trip home since he’d told his parents he was gay, he braced himself for what might happen. It could be worse. At least I can still come home to visit. The house sat as a stark island of green in the sere Texas shortgrass prairie, where trees marked houses, and big trees were on original homesteads. He crept up the long driveway, checking on the cattle grazing around him as the sun sank below the horizon, taking the temperature from fucking hot to oh-my-God hot.
He felt proud of the ranch as he drove through the herd of his father’s pride and joy, Beefmaster cattle. The ugly brindle-and-yellow animals filled the pastures. But they were one of the few breeds able to deal with the climate.
For Shane, the interest went beyond his father’s concern for producing calves. Shane viewed them in terms of what made a star bucking bull on the rodeo circuit: horns, hooves and ferocity. Rodeo stock contractors would pay dearly for a bull most people would take to the sale barn the first time it ran them out of a pasture or attacked a pickup. There were always one or two mean and nasty animals in the family herd. Shane’s long-term plan was to raise and sell rodeo stock and create a lucrative market for himself and his husband. If I find a husband. I don’t even have a boyfriend.
The pickup rolled the final few feet and came to a stop in front of his parents’ austere white house and its meticulously groomed lawn. Shane looked around the yard in appreciation. His family always subscribed to the notion of beating nature into submission. His parents were up before dawn at least once a week to keep their yard within their idea of a well-cared-for lawn. As he cracked open his pickup door, two streaks raced out of the barn. The dogs almost bowled him over in their enthusiasm. Giving in to their demands, Shane knelt on the ground and petted both of them. They took full advantage and jumped over and on him, their noses crammed in every nook and cranny of his body and their tongues bathing his face with dog kisses.
“Mutt! Jeff! Get off him.”
Shane smiled when he recognized his rescuer as his baby sister, Sara. Leaping to his feet, he grabbed her in a tight hug. “I’ve missed you, sis.”
“I’ve missed you too. Why are you home? I didn’t know you were coming back.”
“I needed a few days to recoup, so I thought I’d come home and see your shining face. You need to get your barrel racing perfected so we can travel together. Then you’d be around all the time.”
“Yeah, like Dad’s ever gonna spring for a decent horse for me. That ain’t happening.”
“You could get a job.”
“And you could eat shit.”
Shane stared disapprovingly. “My, what a potty mouth you’ve got. You better not let Mom hear you, or she’ll tan your hide.”
Sara dropped her gaze to the ground. “I know. Sorry. I get frustrated. I want out of middle-of-nowhere Texas so bad.”
“Soon enough you’ll be off to college and won’t ever look back.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “What happened to my barrel racing championship?”
He patted his sister on the shoulder. “Okay, well, here’s the way it goes down. First you go to college on a rodeo scholarship, then you win National Finals.”
She nudged Shane’s ribs. “And has my big brother been picked as a bullfighter yet?”
He considered Sara. I need to be careful what I tell her. It seems she’s listening. “No, i
t hasn’t been decided yet. It’s only July.”
Sara leaned toward Shane and winked. “How’s your love life?”
Embarrassment and doubt flooded Shane’s body as he recalled the constant drift of his thoughts back to Dustin. Trying to avoid her question, he frowned. “Sara! You’re only thirteen, and you do not need to be asking your big brother about—well, about that kinda stuff.”
Sara chuckled and patted her brother’s cheek. “You’re so cute. Come on, I’m sure Mom has been watching us the whole time.”
Early the next morning, Shane decided to take a ride across the ranch. He approached the highest point on the ranch and slowed his horse to a walk as they neared the top. The lanky quarter horse minced his feet, anxious to stretch his legs and run after the leisurely pace Shane had dictated for the last hour. This was the highest point on the ranch, and Shane could see for miles. The flat terrain and low humidity created a crystal-clear panorama that stretched for forever.
He sighed as he dismounted and ran his hand over his animal’s chestnut coat. “Take it easy, Dudley, I need a few minutes to relax. You know how Mom and Dad are.” The gelding turned toward Shane and nickered, then dropped his head to graze on the sparse vegetation. Shane looped the reins around the saddle horn, knowing the well-trained animal wouldn’t wander far, and walked to the crest of the hill.
In the distance lay the ranch headquarters, a speck on the horizon. There was a comfort he found when he was home, but for the past few years, the sense of peace had been missing.
“Dudley, you think the family is ever going to accept that I’m gay? It could be worse. They could have thrown me out like Dustin’s family did.”
When Shane looked back, the horse shook its head and snorted. “Yeah, I know. At least I still have my nuts, so I shouldn’t complain, huh?”
He turned back to the tableau, his shoulders slumped and his mouth twisted. “Can you imagine if I brought Dustin home? There would be the first mushroom cloud over West Texas. I guess we’ll avoid talking about it until I die. They never ask about personal stuff, and I make sure I never mention it either. Not like there’s ever anything to tell ’em. Well, except Dustin. But that was a one-time thing.”
Shane paused for a minute as he considered. “Yeah, Dudley, I know. I don’t understand my attraction to the doofus. I guess that’s part of the reason I came back for a few days. I needed to be home to think it through.”
He sighed at a distant figure moving closer. Someone had been sent to retrieve him. With him home, it was prime time for his mother to call in all the family for a head count. It always struck Shane as odd, because she didn’t want the company. She would likely be sitting in the living room with the latest Christian romance novel while Shane and his brothers did the dance of denial over his sexuality. The only redeeming thing about the gatherings—no one in his family ever said a word about the scar Shane found so hideous.
As the dot moved closer, Shane realized there were two riders, not just one. “Well, crap.”
Two riders meant a talk was coming. With a sigh, he walked back and gathered the horse’s reins, laughing when Dudley blew his hot breath over Shane’s face. “Yeah, I feel the same way. I wonder which talk this one is going to be. How it’s a sin, or that I just need the right girl.” Shane grimaced. “My last date was in high school. Poor girl wanted to go parking, and she scared me so bad I took her home.”
He swung his leg over the cantle and settled into the seat with practiced ease. He tapped his heels lightly against the horse’s flanks, and they started toward the oncoming pair. Shane was too tired of the whole dance to even worry. “I might as well meet them halfway. Maybe that will shorten the whole crap-filled talk.”
Shane slowed to a walk as they entered the scant shade of the cottonwood trees. His horse dropped its head and slurped the cool water as the other riders joined them. He glanced over his shoulder to see his father and brother dismount and walk their horses to the small stream. It surprised Shane to discover his dad was one of the pair. He was seldom involved with the “talks” from the family.
They stood silent while the horses drank, the tension building. Shane turned toward them, ready for the discussion to be over. “So what’ve I done to offend you guys?”
Shane’s father jerked in obvious surprise at the question. “No one’s offended. Why would you think that?”
“Dad, you and Sam came looking for me. Anytime Mom sends two of you, it’s a serious talk.”
“He has you there, Dad.” Shane’s brother nodded. Only five minutes separated them, but Sam treated Shane as if he was his big brother by years instead of moments. They’d been close when they were younger, but after high school didn’t spend as much time together. Sam never voiced issues with Shane being gay, and before now managed not to be involved in the family lectures, which made him another odd choice for talking with Shane. Why did they come to find me?
Their dad lifted his cowboy hat and ran his fingers through his short white hair. He dug the toe of his boot a couple of times in the dust and settled the hat on the back of his head. “I guess he does. I’m actually here for moral support. Sam needs to talk with you.”
More than a little surprised, Shane turned to his brother and cocked an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Sam scuffed his boots, kicking the dust as he shifted from one foot to the other, obviously working up his courage to talk to Shane about something. “Yeah…”
“Okay, well, what is it?”
“Well, Angie and I’ve been trying to get pregnant for a few years.”
“Yes…” Confusion filled Shane as he looked from his brother to his dad. This wasn’t new information.
There was a pained expression on Sam’s face when he glanced up. He looked away, his shoulders hunched in dejection. “We’ve been going to the fertility doctor. He says we can’t have kids.”
“Oh, Sam. I’m so sorry.” Shane started forward to comfort his sibling but was halted by a barely perceptible shake of his father’s head.
Sam sucked in air. Strong emotions flitted across his face. “And it’s me. I’m shootin’ blanks.”
Shane started to talk, but then remained silent, unable to think of something to say. The quiet grew, expanding until the tension engulfed them all. The pressure was palpable when Shane decided to venture a question. “I’m really sorry, Sam. But what does it have to do with me?”
“You know, this would be so much easier if you’d just read my mind. Okay, here it is… We need a sperm donor. Would you do it?”
What! Shit. What?
“Donor.”
“Yes.”
“You want your ugly gay brother to be your sperm donor?”
Sam sighed. “Your scar is something you gotta deal with, Shane. Besides, it’s not hereditary. But yes, we want you to be the donor.”
“Why? Why not one of our other brothers?” Shane motioned to their father. “Hell, why not Dad?”
Sam seemed to relax. “Dad would just be too creepy. You, well, brother, whether you like it or not, we look a lot alike.”
Shane studied his fraternal twin. He was well aware they were remarkably similar with darker curly hair and olive complexions. The rest of the family were fair-skinned and blond. Hope flickered on Sam’s face when Shane didn’t turn him down immediately. Shane squeezed his eyes shut and leaned against his horse for support.
“We need to talk about something before we go any further.”
“Ask whatever you’d like.”
Shane took a deep breath, his eyes going from his brother to his dad. “I know you guys don’t believe me, but I was born gay. It wasn’t a choice.” Shane raised his hand to stop the other two men. “Yes, it does matter. Most scientists believe being gay is passed along one way or another. So your baby might have a more than the usual chance of being gay. Have you thought about that?”
“Yes, t
he doctor explained the same thing. But Angie and I agree, if our baby is as great as you, then we don’t care who they want to be with—you know, that way.”
A lumped formed in his throat. A glance at his father confirmed that he echoed Sam’s sentiment. “Okay, but to be clear about this, I am not the dad. You are. I’m happy to be the indulgent uncle, though.”
Sam’s laugh rang through the cluster of trees. “No problem, bro, no problem.”
Matt, Shane’s dad, pulled his horse from the tender grass it nibbled at and swung into the saddle. “We better get home. Your mother will worry about us.”
The two younger Reeses followed their dad’s example, and soon the trio was headed to the headquarters. Sam turned to Shane with a look of relief. “Thanks, Shane. For everything. How are things going for you?”
Shane turned to his brother in high spirits. “Well, there is this one bull rider…”
“Never mind!” Sam kicked his boots against his horse’s sides and shot off at a gallop.
Shane snorted and urged Dudley in pursuit.
Chapter Six
Dustin’s pacing was wearing a path in the bland carpet of their hotel room. Where has Shane been? I haven’t seen him since Cody. With another small rodeo under their belt, Dustin and Todd had arrived at Cheyenne, one of the biggest events on the circuit. He stopped his pacing and glanced at Todd as he walked through the room. “Hey, shit for brains. Where’re you going?”
Todd looked at Dustin in disbelief. “I have a towel, shampoo, and I’m parading around in my underwear. Where the hell do you think I’m going?”
“Shower. Sorry, wasn’t thinking.” Dustin waited until the door shut and then resumed pacing the sparse motel room, his emotions still in turmoil. He thought about the big bullfighter constantly now. His gut was twisted over the whirlwind of emotions he generated in Dustin. This obsession for a single man was new for Dustin. He’d slept with several guys since high school when he started rodeoing full-time. His sex drive was always in high gear. The bull riders all knew each other, so he’d always been careful not to sleep with someone from the rodeo circuit. His family’s reaction to his sexuality had made one thing very clear—he couldn’t trust anyone with the information.