by S. M. Shade
“That’s all me.”
“Okay,” Joseph interrupts. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you have to show me the workout you used to get abs like that.” His remark breaks the tension, and we all laugh again.
As I take the DVD out of the player, Mr. Conceited speaks up. “Don’t lose that! You know you’ll want to watch it again.”
I just chuckle and shake my head, too drunk to sound convincing if I try to deny it. “I need another shot,” I say instead. Or two. Or ten.
I don’t remember parts of what happened after that. Joseph and I were trashed. I remember Airen putting on the music, and we were all dancing and acting silly. Joseph picked up Jayla’s video camera and began recording us. We all ended up holding the camera at one point or another until the low battery indicator started to flash. I plugged it into a charger on my dresser and promptly forgot its existence.
The last thing I recall is being on the porch outside of my room, and Airen telling me he was putting me to bed. It’s almost noon when I wake with a pounding headache and stumble out to the kitchen to get a sports drink.
“Good morning, party animal,” Joseph says with a grin.
I glare at him. “You drank more than I did. How are you so chipper?”
“I’m not a lightweight. Some people can handle their alcohol.”
“Yeah, alcoholics. Where is everybody?”
“The kids just ate lunch, and Airen went out to play ball with them.”
Good, I have time to let the Tylenol kick in. I shuffle to my room to lie back down while a brass band plays in my skull. Jayla’s video camera sits on my dresser with the green light shining. I vaguely recall plugging it in and must have left it recording.
Unplugging it from the wall, I settle on the bed to see what fools Joseph and I made of ourselves the night before. After rewinding back to the beginning, I press play. It’s pretty much what I expect to see, and I remember most of it. We’re dancing, laughing and teasing each other, and then we’re on the porch, trying to sober me up. Now I’m interested, since this is when my memory gets fuzzy.
I watch myself come in, put the camera on charge, and head back out to the porch. It’s just recording my empty room. I can see the bed and part of the dresser, dimly lit by the battery powered lantern on my night stand. I fast forward, expecting to see myself pass out on the bed. Oh no, Airen has to help me to the bed. I’m wasted. He laughs as he takes off my shoes and tells me to lie down.
“I’ll get you some water,” he says. He’s only gone for a couple of minutes, but that’s apparently long enough for me to become completely disoriented. He hands me the water and turns to leave.
“It’s dark in here,” I moan, and he turns up the lantern a little. “Am I in my room?” My voice is slurred.
“Yes, Abby, now go to sleep.”
“You sound like Airen.” I giggle.
Oh Fuck. I was so drunk I didn’t even know who I was talking to.
Airen laughs and shakes his head. “Because my voice is so sexy?”
“Stop. I don’t hit on Airen. I wouldn’t do that.”
Where was I going with this? Did I think I was talking to Joseph?
“Oh no?” Airen teases me.
“No,” I say seriously, throwing my arm across my eyes. “I think he worries about it, though.”
“He worries that you’ll hit on him?” Airen asks.
Why is he playing along? Why doesn’t he tell me he’s Airen and leave me to pass out?
“I’d never do that. Airen’s a good guy, and I don’t want him to leave.”
Oh Shit. Shit, Shit, Shit. Stop talking to me, Airen! I’m terrified to learn what I said next, but I have to know.
He sits beside me on the bed, his face dimly lit by the lantern and asks quietly, “Why would he leave?”
“He doesn’t have to worry. I won’t do anything to ruin what we all have here. It’s like a family.”
“You think Airen would leave if you flirted with him?” he asks, stunned.
“Any guy will run if he thinks some ugly girl is chasing him,” I state matter-of-factly.
Oh no, I just want to crawl under my bed and die.
He seems to be speechless for a few moments. “Do you think Airen finds you ugly?” His voice is soft.
I laugh a bitter resigned laugh. “I am ugly. I always have been. It’s not like it’s a secret.” I’m slurring my words again. “It’s okay. Some people are slow, too fat, or too skinny. It happens. I’m ugly, but I don’t let it bother me,” I claim, as a tear drips out of the corner of my eye, making a liar of me.
He wipes it away with a fingertip and murmurs, “You’re breaking my heart talking about yourself like this, Abby.”
My face scrunches in confusion. “I’m fine. I just don’t want him to be worried that I’ll ever try anything or put him in the position where he has to say no. He’s a good guy,” I repeat.
“What if Airen came on to you?”
Why is he doing this? Is he testing me while he knows I’ll tell the truth?
“He wouldn’t.”
“He flirts with you.”
“He’s just playing. He knows I know better.”
“But what would you do? What would you do if he kissed you?” His voice is hushed.
“He wouldn’t.”
“If he did?”
“I’d kiss him back and always try to remember how it felt. Then, I’d remind him there will be other girls someday, girls in his league. He just has to find one.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds before he asks softly, “What if Airen loves you?”
“He doesn’t. He can’t. I’m not the last woman alive.”
“Do you love Airen?”
Oh God. Oh, No. My heart is in my throat.
“I try not to.”
Sighing, he rests his forehead on his palm.
“I know,” I moan, apparently taking his sigh as a sign of disapproval. “I just can’t help it sometimes. He’s such a good man. He really cares about me and the kids, and he’s so goddamned beautiful, but I won’t ever let him know. I promise I won’t chase him away,” I sob.
“Shh,” he whispers, brushing my hair back from my cheek.
“I promise,” I murmur again and finally fall quiet.
I think I’ve passed out, and he must’ve thought so, too.
“You can’t even imagine that I could love you,” he whispers sadly.
“No one has ever loved me,” I confess and mercifully lose consciousness.
I’m shaking as I turn off the camera. What the hell have I done? He knows. He knows how I really feel about him. Just when things were getting back to normal, I destroy everything. I crawl under the covers and pull them over my head. I can’t blame him if he wants to leave us now, or if he goes back to avoiding me. I’ve really blown it this time. I think about Carson calling him Dad, and I die inside. Curling up on my bed, I cry myself to sleep.
It’s evening when Carson knocks on my door. “Are you okay? You slept all day,” he says.
I force a smile. “I’m fine. I just drank too much last night.”
He laughs. “Airen said to tell you dinner is almost ready if you want to join the land of the living.”
“You guys start without me. I need a shower first.” He nods and pulls the door shut behind him.
I know I can’t avoid Airen forever, but I’m just not sure what I should do. I realize if it hadn’t been for the camera being left on, I wouldn’t even know what I’d done. I don’t remember any of it so I decide to go with that. I’ll act like nothing happened, watch his reaction, and try to judge how much damage I’ve caused. In other words, I’m going to play dumb and hope he lets it go. At least I made it clear I’d never act on my feelings.
I make it through dinner and everything is fine, though they tease me about being hung over.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” Airen asks.
“We were on the porch.” It really is the last thing I remember.
* * * *
It’s been a few days and I’m beginning to relax. I guess Airen is going to pretend it never happened as well. He’s probably embarrassed, and I don’t blame him. Carson’s dad used to get teased by his friends for dating me. It makes sense that Airen wouldn’t want anyone to know I have feelings for him.
It’s nearly April, and a year has passed since the plague decimated the population. Airen suggests we have a little celebration.
“It doesn’t seem like a festive occasion,” I argue.
“Surviving the year does.” I can’t argue with that.
“Oh! We should get dressed up!” Jayla exclaims. “I haven’t worn a dress in so long.”
Grudgingly, the guys agree to dress nice.
“I’m not wearing a suit,” Carson proclaims.
“You can wear a nice shirt and some slacks,” I reply. “Same goes for Joseph and Airen.”
I’m not particularly thrilled to wear a dress, but if it makes Jayla happy it’ll be worth it. We make a trip to a neighboring town to outfit ourselves. Jayla and I separate from the guys to try on dresses and shoes. She’s so excited to have a reason to dress up, and her enthusiasm is contagious. We ooh and aah over the dresses until she finds the perfect outfit.
“I’m going to take a million pictures,” she swears, and I giggle at her exuberance.
The night of what has been dubbed the “End of the World Party” arrives. I’ve made a huge cake, cookies, and fruit punch for the kids. Airen has picked up a bottle of wine, and Joseph rigs up a set of speakers to play music from our iPods. Jayla looks beautiful in her summer dress and low heeled sling back shoes. She has her hair in braids and it makes her look older. Carson’s eyes widen when he sees her, and I nod at him with my eyebrows raised.
“You look really pretty,” he whispers, blushing hard.
Her face lights up, and she hugs him. “You look so handsome!” she squeals.
I think he’s going to combust on the spot.
I smile at Airen and Joseph when they arrive in the living room. “You two sure clean up good.” It has to be the understatement of the century.
Joseph is wearing black dress pants and a green button up shirt that brings out his eyes, making them glitter like emeralds. His hair falls over his ears and tumbles down his forehead in soft, golden curls. He’s sexy.
Airen is breathtaking. He wears dark blue slacks that hug his behind, showing how perfect and round it is. His white button up shirt molds to his muscles and broad shoulders and his ebony hair is messy as if he’s been running his hands through it. Even with an air of elegance and grace about him, he still manages to radiate sex. I could stare at him all night.
Both Airen and Joseph compliment me on the clingy black dress Jayla wouldn’t let me leave the store without. She also French braided my hair, but I drew the line when she brought out the makeup.
“Well, who is this handsome young man?” I exclaim when Walker appears, dressed in gray slacks and a light blue polo shirt. “There was a dirty little boy here earlier, with sand in his hair and grass on his clothes.”
“It’s me!” Walker laughs.
The party is a hit with the kids. They play games, dance, eat, and wear themselves out. I stop after two glasses of wine. After my last catastrophic bender, I’m taking no chances. Joseph is tossing them back pretty hard, but I notice Airen has only had a drink or two all night.
True to her word, Jayla takes a ton of photos. I take the camera from her to get a picture of her and Carson dancing together, which may be the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Joseph drags me to my feet for a dance.
“I’m not a good dancer. I’ll probably step all over your feet,” I protest.
“Just follow my lead.” I do, and he’s a good dancer. It’s a slow song, and I let myself relax against him as we move together. “You look lovely, Abby,” he murmurs in my ear.
“Thank you. You look too handsome in green, you know. ”
“I didn’t know one could be too handsome.”
“Neither did I.” Holy shit. Why am I flirting with him? The wine must have gone straight to my head. He hugs me and kisses my cheek when the song ends. I notice Airen watching us. Hmm, maybe he’s hoping I’ll turn my affection toward Joseph, and he won’t have to worry anymore. Of course, he doesn’t realize Joseph also dates women, and even if he did, Joseph is a catch, and wouldn’t be interested in me.
When the kids talk Joseph into playing a video game with them in Jayla’s room before they go to bed, I assume the party is over.
“Will you dance with me?” Airen asks, holding out his hand.
I try not to show my surprise as I take his hand and follow him. He changes the song to one of my favorites, an acoustic version of Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran. I try to act normal and hold him the same as I did Joseph, but he smells so good; like citrus and musk.
He holds my hand and slips his fingers between mine, sliding his other arm around my waist and pulling me close. I place my hand over his shoulder blade where I can enjoy the flex of muscles in his back as he moves. My head rests tentatively against his, and I feel the soft tickle of his hair. He keeps me so close, his hard stomach against me. I’m pressed against his chest, trying to control the urge to slide my hand down to his ass. As the last verse starts, he pulls me away from him slightly. He gazes at me, and I’m drowning in those eyes, those dark mesmerizing eyes.
“I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to do this,” he whispers, and then his lips are on mine. Everything ceases to exist. My whole world is dominated by the feeling of Airen’s lips on mine. His kiss is sweet, his lips soft as they move and shift over mine. After a few seconds, the tip of his tongue strokes my lips, and I give in. I kiss him back, and I finally get to taste him, to taste Airen. We deepen the kiss, exploring each other’s mouths as he holds my face in his hands.
I slide my hand up his neck and bury it in his soft hair, as I wrap my other arm around him and press him to me harder. Oh, can this really be happening? Shouldn’t I be waking up by now? My moan fills his mouth as his fingers trail across my breast and stomach to rest on my waist. He sucks delicately on my bottom lip as we finally break apart.
I lean my forehead against his chest and close my eyes. He really kissed me. I kissed Airen. Beautiful, sexy, way out of my reach Airen. He seems to know I need a minute and holds me close, swaying to the music until I ask, “Are you drunk?”
“You know I’m not.”
We keep dancing as the next song comes on. I’m completely speechless, and my mind is spinning. I want him so bad. I want to grab his ass, reach under his shirt, rub my hands across his bare chest, and kiss him until I can no longer breathe. I’m fighting to control my urges. I know this is wrong.
“Stop,” he admonishes.
“What?”
“Over thinking this.”
I sigh. “I don’t want you to be sorry or regret anything later.”
His hand strokes the back of my head and moves down to rub my back. “I won’t regret anything. Why would I?”
I give him a resigned look. “I’m not the last woman alive. It just seems that way, Airen. There will be other survivors, beautiful women who would happily fight to the death for a chance to be with you. I don’t want to see you settle when things won’t always be this way.”
“Abby,” he hesitates.
“Be honest, Airen. Before the plague if I’d passed you on the street in New York, you never would have noticed me. I can never compete with the skinny models and beautiful actresses you’re accustomed to dating. You’re way out of my league.”
He pushes me away from him and stares at me. “Look at me, Abby.”
I raise my eyes, and bite my lip.
“I’m insulted that you think I could be that shallow, as if all I care about in a woman is her appearance. Personally, I prefer a woman with curves.” He runs his hands down my hips. “Still, that’s beside the point. Beauty isn’t the most important thing to me, and besides you
’re—”
“Don’t!” I interrupt him. “Please just don’t. It makes me uncomfortable. I have a mirror. I know how I look.”
He holds my head in his hands, and his gaze burns into me. “You don’t know how you look to me. I want you to understand I don’t see you the way you see yourself. I see the woman I love.”
I can’t fight him anymore. I never had a chance. All I can do is nod and press my face into his shoulder. “I’ve tried so hard not to love you, Airen.”
“How did that work for you?”
I can hear the smile in his voice. “It didn’t. I just did my best to hide it.”
He snorts and threads his fingers through my hair. “You did a good job. I was afraid I’d lose you to Joseph for a while. Thank goodness he’s gay.”
I shake my head in disbelief. He was jealous? His hateful attitude toward Joseph and me really was due to jealousy? Joseph knew, and he tried to tell me, but I didn’t believe him. I can hardly believe it now.
I have to hear it from him. “You were jealous?”
Looking away, he mumbles, “Not one of my better qualities, I know.”
I giggle, and he raises his eyebrows. “It’s a trait we share.” He sits on the couch with his arm around me, and I lean against him, inhaling his scent and reveling in the closeness of his body to mine. “Are sure you want this? I mean, we can’t exactly just date when we’ve been living together for so long.”
“Hmm,” he hums, nuzzling his face in my neck. “I may have had fantasies of sharing that big closet you have in your room, but we can take things as slow as you want. I just want to be with you, Abigail.”
“You have to promise me something.”
“Anything,” he whispers, kissing my earlobe.
Oh, that’s distracting. Get it together, Abby! I pull away and stare at him. “If someone else comes along, a woman who is more your...um, type.” I sigh, looking away. This is so hard to say out loud. “I mean, if you ever think you’d be happier with another woman, I want you to be honest about it. You’re such a good person, and I don’t want you to stay with me out of loyalty or because you don’t want to hurt me. I promise if that day comes, I’ll let you go without a scene, and I’ll find a way to stay friends and keep our family together.”