by S. M. Shade
* * * *
Spring has finally shown its face, and it’s lovely to spend more time outdoors. We’re busy tilling plots of land and planting every vegetable and fruit we can think of growing. There’s no shortage of seeds, and we plant a lot, too much probably. Even with what we’ve learned from reading, this is going to be a lot of trial and error. It’s a good thing we have plenty of canned foods in the meantime.
I hear the bang of the screen door and the thuds of shoes hitting the floor before Joseph, Airen, and Carson plop down at the kitchen table. They’re sweaty and dirty, and their hands are blistered. They’ve been putting up fences to keep the deer out of the crops and are now discussing plans to plant trees and shrubs the next day.
“What’s the point of planting shrubs?” I ask.
“To hide the crops,” Joseph replies.
“From who?” I pursue, confused.
“Anyone, everyone,” Airen answers. “We never know who’ll come down this road. It’s better if it isn’t obvious that people live here. We don’t want to advertise our food supply.”
“Oh.” It just seems a little paranoid to me. I want to meet other survivors, not hide from them.
Airen has the look he gets when he’s prepared to argue to the death to get his way. “You don’t like the idea?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to hide from people.”
“We aren’t hiding. We just don’t want our little farm to be visible from the road. If someone approaches, we want to be able to see them before they see us so the choice is ours whether or not to meet them. It’s safer this way.”
I put one arm around Airen and one around Joseph. “I feel safe with you two, so whatever you guys think is best, have at it. I’d like a few apple trees though, since you’re planting trees anyway.”
“Done.” Airen kisses the top of my head and goes to wash up.
“Yum.” Carson sighs dreamily, following Airen out of the room. “Apple pie.”
Joseph grins at me, dimples in full bloom.
“What?”
“You’re in such a good mood lately, Abby.”
“I’m happy,” I reply and return to sorting beans for tonight’s dinner.
“So is Airen. It’s nice to see you this way. I’m happy for you.” He gives me a quick one armed hug, and I beam at him.
“Thank you. That’s really sweet.”
At dinner, Joseph and Airen are unusually quiet. Even the kids notice the tension in the air and are more subdued than usual. They run off to their rooms after dessert, and I eye Airen with suspicion.
“Okay, out with it. What’s going on with you two tonight? You’ve barely said two words to anyone. Did you have a fight about something? Is there another wooden versus wire fence battle raging?”
While Joseph immediately looks guilty, Airen blurts, “We need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” I respond hesitantly.
“You aren’t going to like it,” Joseph warns.
“Just spit it out already. You’re worrying me.”
“Well, Joseph had an idea...”
“Sure, blame it on me,” Joseph interjects.
Airen smothers a grin and glances at him. “We need to take a little trip.”
“Go on.”
“We want to hook the house up to solar power, and we need to collect the supplies. There’s hardware, wiring, and a few other things we can’t get here,” Joseph explains.
I don’t see what all the drama is about. We go to neighboring towns often for necessities. “Okay, and I’m not going to like it because?”
“The closest place that stocks those items is in Evansville, Indiana,” Airen admits.
“I’ve been to Evansville, and it was a two hour trip before the roads were crammed with cars or washed away completely.”
The fall and spring rains have done an amazing amount of damage to the streets and highways, without anyone to repair them. We’re in a sparsely populated area where most of the people had been evacuated as the plague began and still had to spend days clearing a path to our main resources, towing cars out of the way and pushing them into ditches. Evansville was large, highly populated, and I presume it’ll be much more difficult to navigate.
“It’ll take us forever to get there,” I point out.
“Airen and I can get there in a day, find what we need, and be back by the next evening,” Joseph promises, throwing a guilty glance in my direction. They look like two teenagers asking to borrow the family car and promising not to break curfew.
“Are you out of your minds?”
Airen smirks. “I told you she wouldn’t like the idea.”
“No shit! You think you guys are going to go that far, and I’m just going to sit here and worry? Evansville is a large city, and you have no idea who you’ll run into there or what could happen! No! Absolutely not!”
“Exactly.” Joseph sighs and gazes at me. “It’s not safe to take the kids.”
“There is nowhere else that you can come by this stuff? There isn’t anywhere closer?”
“Evansville is the nearest warehouse. Look, Abby, if I can find what I need then I can connect the entire house to electricity. Everything would work including the furnace and central air. We wouldn’t need so much firewood or gasoline.”
“The washer and dryer,” I mumble, unable to hide the longing in my voice. Laundry is one of the worst chores with no power. I consider the possibilities. Am I really willing to risk both of them for a little electricity and comfort? Airen is letting Joseph do all the talking, so he must think he has the best chance of convincing me to agree. “That sounds wonderful, but it’s not worth the risk of losing one or both of you.”
They stare at each other in exasperation. “We won’t go unarmed, Abby. The chances of coming across other people are slim. We’ll be fine,” Airen says.
“Then I’ll go with you, and Joseph can stay with the kids. I’m a better shot anyway.”
“I’d have no idea what to search for once we got there. I wouldn’t know a solar panel if I tripped over one. Joseph has to go.”
“Then I’ll...”
“Don’t even suggest that you go with Joseph,” he snaps, interrupting me. I guess he saw that one coming. “You know the kids need you. Don’t you think it scares the hell out of me to leave ya’ll alone, even for one night? I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t important, but we had a hard winter, and if we can improve the quality of all of our lives by spending one night apart, then we’re going to do it.”
“I don’t know why you’re even discussing it with me when you’ve evidently made up your minds!” I can’t look at them anymore. I’m on the verge of tears and royally pissed off. As the screen door slams shut behind me, I hear Joseph’s advice to Airen.
“Give her a few minutes to cool off.”
The bastards teamed up on me. I sit by the unlit fire pit and brood. I’m aware they’re trying to do the right thing, but I can’t let them go. What if they never come back, and we never even know what happened to them? It’s been so wonderful being with Airen, more than I ever dared to hope for. A beautiful dream come true and now so fragile, like the reflection on a soap bubble one pop away from vanishing forever. I can’t lose him now. I can’t lose either of them.
So what’s the answer? Never let them out of my sight? It’s impossible. Maybe this is just a part of surviving in this post plague world. It’s the lack of being able to communicate that terrifies me the most. They can’t just call and tell me they’re fine or they’re in trouble. Maybe I’m over reacting. It’s just one night. I wipe my eyes and move to sit on the step. The stars are coming out, and it’s a gorgeous night, but I can’t enjoy it.
They come and sit, one on either side of me. Airen regards me with caution, as if I might hit him or start screaming.
“When are you going?” I ask.
“At dawn tomorrow.”
“Do the kids know?”
“Not yet.”
“
You just better fucking come back. Both of you.”
“We will, sweetheart.”
I lay my head on his shoulder. “Go talk to Carson and Jayla. Don’t make a big deal of it. Just tell them you’ll bring them something back,” I suggest. He nods and kisses my forehead before going inside. “You’re the one I should be pissed at, Mr. I-Have-An-Idea,” I scold Joseph.
His eyes are full of sympathy when they gaze into mine. “You aren’t mad. You’re scared. You and Airen always mask your emotions with anger.”
“Quit psychoanalyzing me. You aren’t qualified.”
Scooting closer, he slides his arm around my shoulders. “It’s okay to be afraid. I promise I won’t tell anyone,” he whispers with a grin.
I want to come back with some stinging retort, but my tears spill over, and the hitch in my breathing gives me away. Great, I’m going to start bawling in front of Joseph. My day just keeps getting better.
“I have to go,” I blurt, trying to stand, but Joseph tightens his grip on me, his hand squeezing my shoulder.
“No, you just don’t want me to see you cry,” he accuses softly. There’s little point in denying it. He pulls me closer until I’m crying on his shoulder. “Abby, honey,” he croons. “We’ll be fine. It’s just one night, and we’ll be back, I swear. Do you think I’d leave my five year old son if I didn’t have every intention of coming back?”
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” I reply, getting control of myself.
“You don’t even believe in hell.”
“The next few days are going to be pretty close. Please be careful,” I beg, hugging him.
The kids don’t seem to be overly concerned. They’re easily distracted by my promise of a movie night and brownies. I’ll have to keep myself occupied or the wait and worry will drive me crazy. We go to bed early, and Airen makes love to me, slow and sweet.
“I wish you wouldn’t worry so much,” he whispers as we lie together.
I’m curled up against him, my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I can’t help it.”
“I’ll be back, Abby.” His fingers trail up and down my back.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You need your sleep tonight.”
He falls asleep quickly, but I know there will be no rest for me tonight. I just want to be close to him. I lie there for hours, running my fingers through his chest hair and listening to him breathe. Just before dawn, I slip my hand into his and doze off for a few merciful minutes.
It’s barely light when they leave, and I manage to restrain my tears as I sit on the step and watch their tail lights fade. Now all I can do is wait. Hours pass before the kids wake up. I’ve made them a huge breakfast of biscuits and gravy, eggs, and hash browns. The boys are thrilled, but Jayla is as perceptive as ever.
“Trying to keep busy?”
“It’s going to be a long day.” It certainly is. I clean the house as if royalty were coming for a visit and spend hours hauling water and gas we really don’t need yet. I find plenty of small unnecessary chores to defeat the clock that never seems to change, and by the time I settle down with the kids for our movie night, I’m exhausted. Walker falls asleep on the love seat, and I decide to leave him there. I have no intention of sleeping in my bed alone.
“Are you sleeping on the couch?” Jayla asks. I nod. “Can I sleep in here, too?”
“Of course.” I hug her. She’s worried too, but she’s coping better than I am. Carson isn’t going to be left out. We all end up camping in the living room. Carson is snoring almost immediately, and I can’t help but giggle. That boy could sleep through a tornado.
“Showoff,” grumps Jayla. “How early do you think they’ll be back?”
“I wish I knew, honey. Hopefully, it’ll be before dark.”
“Are you mad at them for going?”
“No, they’re trying to take care of us. It’s just hard not having a way to keep in touch with them. You should try to sleep.”
“Okay.” A few minutes later she’s breathing softly, and I’m the only one awake for the second night in a row. I’m sure I won’t fall asleep, but after staying awake for so long and working so hard, the exhaustion takes over. The next thing I know Walker is shaking me, asking for breakfast.
The day inches by as we watch for them to return. I’m slightly sunburned from staying outside all day. We’ve all found reasons to be outdoors. The kids throw the Frisbee, play tag, and race each other across the field while I cook out on the grill and make way too much, wrapping the barbecued meat up for Airen and Joseph’s dinner.
“When is Daddy coming home?” Walker asks.
It’s evening, and I’m really trying not to worry, but I expected them back by now. “It might be after you’re asleep tonight,” I tell him, ruffling his hair. He needs a haircut.
“Can I sleep in the living room again tonight?”
They all sleep in the living room. Jayla sleeps on the couch this time and Walker on the love seat, while Carson wraps up in a sleeping bag on the floor. There’s no way I’m going to bed. Something is wrong. It has to be. They knew how worried I was, so what’s taking them so long? All the worst case scenarios run through my head, they’re hurt, they’re trapped, they’re dead.
I sit on the porch and watch the road, my eyes drifting closed a few times to show me my worst nightmares come true before snapping open to watch for headlights. It’s getting light, and I don’t know what I’m going to tell the kids when they wake. Is that a motor? I sit up and listen. I see headlights!
Two big pickup trucks pull into the driveway. I dive on Airen before he can close his door. He picks me up, hugging me, and I’m so relieved. My arms are around his neck so tight I’m not sure he can breathe.
“I’m so sorry it took us so long, but...”
“You scared the shit out of me!” I yell, smacking his chest with each word before I grab him in another crushing hug.
Joseph laughs as he climbs out of the passenger seat. “She doesn’t know whether to kiss you or kill you.”
“We’re fine, sweetheart, calm down,” Airen murmurs.
I suddenly realize Joseph wasn’t driving the second truck. “Who?” I begin, glancing behind them, confused.
“That’s what we need to explain. That’s what held us up. We met some...uh...people, and they wanted to come back with us.”
My mouth falls open when a woman steps down from the second truck. She’s thin and blond, wearing tight jeans and a blouse that shows off her large breasts. She smiles and waves at us as she says something to the young girl climbing out of the passenger seat.
“We met them outside of Evansville. They were traveling, and when they learned about our plan for the solar panels they asked if I could do the same for them,” Joseph explains. “I couldn’t say no.”
Red hot jealousy shoots through me. That’s what kept them. That’s what they were doing while I was here, worrying over them. They spent the night with this woman. I’m too exhausted to argue. “The kids are asleep in the living room. Why don’t we all go into the kitchen?”
“Sure,” Airen agrees, eyeing me. He knows I’m not happy.
Joseph reaches out and hugs me. “I missed you too, you know,” he mumbles into my neck.
“Sorry, you guys caught me by surprise.” I kiss him on the cheek and glance at the woman standing behind the truck. Yeah, these are my boys...my men, bitch, you better remember it.
Airen takes my hand as we walk inside. “Did anything happen while we were gone?” he asks.
I could ask him the same thing. “Everything’s the same.”
His eyes narrow and he scrutinizes me for a moment, but lets my obvious mood go without comment.
As we gather around the kitchen table, I get a good look at the two women. The younger one introduces herself as Sara. She’s seventeen years old with red hair, light skin, and freckles. She’s tall with a large frame and long arms and legs. She’s soft spoken, and I like her instantly. I
think Jayla will too.
The older woman is pretty. She’s thin and blond with big boobs, everything I’ll never be. She’s also loud, and she talks so fast it’s hard to understand when one sentence ends and the next begins.
“I’m Amanda, but y’all can call me Mandy. I’m so glad to meet so many people. It’s like a miracle! And you got kids too! How old are they?”
“Jayla is thirteen. Walker turns six this month, and Carson turns thirteen next month,” I reply.
“I’m thirty-four,” she announces. “And how old are y’all?” she demands without taking a breath. I give her a look as my eyebrows climb my forehead. “Oh, I’m sorry! That was rude. I was just curious.” She flashes a cheesy grin.
“It’s no big secret. I’m thirty-two.”
“So am I,” Airen says.
“Twenty-eight,” Joseph responds.
“So you’re the baby,” she teases Joseph.
“I believe that honor goes to Walker,” I retort dryly.
She ignores my tone and exclaims, “I can’t wait to meet them.”
“So, what’s the plan?” I ask, turning to Airen.
He glances at Joseph who regards me with trepidation. “I thought we could fix up the house next door for them. I brought enough hardware to provide power to both houses, and it’s early enough for them to start a garden and prepare for next winter,” Joseph explains.
“Ain’t they just the nicest guys?” Mandy gushes.
“Yeah, I like them,” I answer absently, before turning back to Joseph.
“In the meantime, I can put Walker back in with me, and they can have Walker’s room until their house is habitable.” Airen has been silent throughout this conversation, but he stares at me wide-eyed, waiting to hear my response.
“Joseph can show you your room. I need a few hours of sleep before the kids wake up,” I tell Mandy and escape to my bedroom. My mind is spinning, and I just want to lie down. I know I’m acting petulant and immature, and I hate that I’m so jealous. I wanted to meet people, so I should be happy they’re here. It’s my worst fear though, for some pretty, thin bitch to show up and take it all away.