by S. M. Shade
Airen shakes his head slowly, and I stop him when he attempts to speak. “You don’t understand, Air. You can’t understand how it feels to be that far below other people, to know they’re ashamed to be seen with you, too disgusted to kiss you.”
He appears shocked as I continue, but surely, he had to have guessed some of this.
“That’s why I never really blamed Jon for leaving me. He said he tried to love me, and I believe that. My mom said the exact same thing to me. I don’t know what it is that makes me so far below the rest, Airen, but I’ve learned to live with it, and I’d never kill myself, so please don’t brood on it.”
There, he’s made me give a damned speech summarizing my life as a loser. Can we move on now?
He’s gazing at me with the strangest look on his face, a mixture of shock, anger, and pity. “I don’t know what’s worse,” he whispers slowly. “The things you’ve told me, or the matter-of-fact way you were able to say it.”
“Sorry, I’ve never told anyone these things before. I should’ve sugar-coated it a little better. I tried to warn you there are things you don’t want to know. You should stop asking.”
He kneels before me and places his hands on my knees, his eyes intense as they bore into mine. “I want you to listen to me, Abby,” he demands vehemently. “I’m so sorry for the things that have happened to you, but I can promise you one thing. There is absolutely nothing about you that makes you worth less than anyone else.”
“Airen,” I interject, shaking my head.
“No!” he snaps. “I want you to hear me, Abigail. What you believe...what those assholes in your past have convinced you is true, is dead wrong.” He grasps my face in his hands, forcing me to look him in the eye.
“We’re done talking about this.” I attempt to stand, but he won’t release his grip on me.
“No, we aren’t.”
“Airen, please.” I try to pull away again, but he holds tight to my shoulders.
“It was them, sweetheart, not you. They were shallow, hateful people, and I wish I had them in front of me now. I could murder them for how they’ve hurt you.”
Why can’t he let this alone? He’s pissing me off. “Goddamn it, Airen! I’m not stupid. All of them? Every single one of those guys was wrong? Plus my parents? It’s not them! I’m the common denominator! Now will you please drop it? It no longer matters anyway. I have you. I have Joseph, Julie, and the kids, and I’m happy. I have a great life.”
“But you don’t think you deserve it.” He shakes his head in dismay.
“People rarely get what they deserve,” I remark dryly. “That doesn’t mean I won’t fight to the death to keep it.” I place my palm against his cheek. “I have no idea why you love me, Airen. It’s like a miracle, but I know you do.”
Gazing at me, he places his hand over mine. “Do you?” he asks, his mouth curling down at the corners.
My hands slip around his waist, and I rest my forehead against his chest. “Yes. You stepped between me and Mandy when she was pointing a gun at me. She could have killed you, and you risked your life for me. I may never understand why, but I know you love me, and I love you, so please don’t worry so much.”
I’m cuddled against his chest as it rises on a deep sigh. “I was terrified she’d shoot before I could get there.”
“Yeah, well, don’t do that shit again. You could’ve died,” I mumble into his shoulder.
He snorts and tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “I would absolutely do it again, and you know it. I’ll always keep you safe.”
“And you know I’ll do the same for you.”
“You better fucking never.”
“You can’t stop me.” I giggle.
“I’ll tie you up,” he threatens, his mood lightening.
“I’d probably like it.”
A deep chuckle raises goosebumps along my skin as his hand lightly squeezes my ass. “You may want to remember what happened the last time you said that.” He regards me with hooded eyes. How the hell did I end up with this loving, sexy, exasperating man?
“Promises, promises.”
* * * *
“Let’s go!” Joseph calls impatiently.
“Keep your panties on,” Airen grumbles as he climbs in the driver’s seat of the SUV we have acquired for today’s trip to Paducah.
“You know I don’t wear underwear.”
“TMI, Dad,” Walker moans, making everyone chuckle.
Julie doesn’t feel up to making the trip, but it worries me to leave her alone. “I’ll be fine. It’s just a headache. I’m going to take some Ibuprofen and lie down for a nap,” she reassures us.
“We should be back before dark,” Joseph says.
“Have fun, but be careful.” She hugs him.
Traveling anywhere is difficult because of the abandoned vehicles in the road. We have a winch attached to the SUV to tow them into the ditches and make a space for our truck if we have to, but that slows us down. We are less than fifty miles from Paducah Mall, but it takes us two hours to get there.
At least there is no sign of looting and no barricades or bodies lying outside the mall. The parking lot is deserted, except for a few security cars.
“I don’t think we have to worry about bodies. It looks pretty deserted,” I observe.
Walker spots the playground across the road. “Let’s go, Dad! I want to swing!” He tugs Joseph’s hand impatiently.
“Here.” Airen hands Joseph a walkie-talkie. “We’ll meet you in an hour.”
“Be careful and bring me a Cinnabon,” Joseph replies with a grin.
Carson moans. “I’d give anything for a Cinnabon.”
“Or ice cream,” wishes Jayla.
We try the doors at multiple entrances before Airen finally breaks the glass, unlocks one, and we step inside. It’s beyond creepy to see a place once bustling with life, that should be filled with laughing, chatting people, so empty and desolate. Large skylights allow the bright sunlight to filter in so it isn’t really dark, although the stores are dim and shadowy. I’m happy we brought the flashlights.
A musty sour smell hangs in the air, and I imagine it’s emanating from the food court. The water has long since evaporated from a fountain in the center, leaving a sprinkle of pennies, nickels, and dimes behind. Wishes, I realize, sadly. Uno wanders around it sniffing and eventually lifts his leg, marking it as his own.
Carson tugs us toward an electronics store filled with video games and movies. Airen hands him a sack from behind the counter, and Carson’s in heaven, smiling from ear to ear as he begins to fill the bag. While Airen picks out movies, and Jayla collects memory cards for her camera, I choose a few CD’s and wander around until they’re finished. Jayla is thrilled with the large department store that we visit next.
“Makeup!” she cries, smiling and digging through the display case.
“You don’t need makeup,” Airen scoffs. He frowns at my disapproving look. “You don’t wear makeup,” he mutters.
Because there is no point in putting lipstick on a bulldog. “Go ahead, honey, and choose me a bottle of lotion,” I tell her, ignoring him. We all pick up some new jeans and sweaters. Winter is just around the corner. I pull out the note from Joseph and check to see what sizes are listed for Walker. He’s growing so fast, and I’m thankful that price isn’t an issue any longer.
“We’re supposed to meet Joseph in about fifteen minutes. Is there anywhere else you want to look?” Airen asks.
“Bookstore,” I reply.
“Candy shop,” Carson says.
“We should get Walker something from the toy store,” Jayla says.
“Why don’t Jayla and I visit the book store and toy shop while you and Carson load up on candy?” I suggest. Airen’s eyes narrow as he considers splitting up. “The stores are right across from each other. We’ll be fine.”
He reluctantly agrees. “Take Uno with you.”
“Because he’s such a good guard dog,” Carson scoffs. Airen p
uts him into a headlock and pulls him toward the candy store.
“Get me some chocolate covered peanuts!” I shout.
“And jelly beans!” Jayla calls. She picks out a remote controlled airplane for Walker, and we add a few new board games. I’m trying to balance a stack of Stephen King books when Uno begins to growl and abruptly darts out of the store.
Jayla gazes at me, wide eyed. “That can’t be good,” she says in a hushed voice.
“He probably smelled a rat or a squirrel or something. Let’s go meet the boys.” We almost make it to the door before we hear Carson scream.
“No! It’ll kill him!” he shrieks.
“Carson! Stop! Goddamn it!” Airen yells at him.
Our items scatter as they hit the floor. Jayla grabs my hand, and we run toward the commotion. I freeze when we arrive at the scene, trying to figure out what the hell is happening. Airen is holding Carson back while he fights desperately to get out of his grasp. Uno is engaged in a fight with some sort of animal. Is it another dog? It’s too dark to see, and all we can hear is growling and snarling, punctuated by an occasional yelp from Uno or the other animal. It’s impossible to tell.
“Abby! Hold him!” Airen shoves Carson into me, so he can pull his gun.
Jayla and I both grab Carson as he screams, “Don’t shoot! You’ll hit Uno! Mom, make him stop!”
Airen runs toward Uno, but he doesn’t fire right away. He can’t see well enough to aim.
“Point your flashlights at them!” I order. We shine our lights on the animals, and it does appear to be another dog. Uno flips the animal off him, and Airen seizes the opportunity to fire three shots at the wild creature. It drops with a wounded cry.
He runs to Uno, who plops down on his side, panting hard. “Good boy, Uno’s such a good dog,” he croons as he surveys his injuries. Uno whines pitifully and licks his hand. Airen picks him up and heads for the exit. “Get the stuff, we have to go. His leg is really chewed up, and his neck looks bad.”
He carries him to the SUV, and I pop the hatch. We lay him on a blanket in the back, as Joseph and Walker approach.
“What happened?” asks Joseph.
“There was a coyote. It tried to attack Carson, and Uno got between them,” Airen explains.
A coyote? I have seen a few, and we hear them often enough, but they usually shy away from people. Maybe it was starving.
As if it reminds him, Airen abruptly turns on Carson and clutches his arm. “Don’t you ever do anything that stupid again,” he shouts. Carson’s face hardens and his eyes narrow. “When I tell you to do something, you had better damn well do it! You nearly got yourself killed! If you ever do anything like that again, I’ll wear your ass out! Do you understand me?”
“Get off me!” Carson jerks out of his grasp. “You’re not my dad!” he spits hatefully and retreats to the SUV, slamming the door. Jayla gives me a sympathetic look, before climbing in after him.
“Is Uno going to be okay?” Walker asks.
“I hope so, baby. We’ll take him to Julie.” Glancing at Airen, I tell Joseph, “Give us a moment.”
They climb in and buckle up, leaving Airen to regard me warily. “He was going to try to break it up.”
“I know.” My voice is calm and even.
“He wouldn’t listen!”
“He panicked.”
He sighs, his hands shaking. “That was too fucking close. I thought it had him. Uno came out of nowhere,” he exclaims, gaining his composure.
I embrace him and murmur, “He’s okay. Carson’s okay.”
“He could have died,” he mumbles.
“But he didn’t, and he’s not even hurt.”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at him,” he admits, reluctantly.
I can’t help laughing. “You were scared, and so was he. I’m sure it won’t be the last time. He’ll be fine, but we should go. We need to get Uno back to Julie.”
He agrees, and I take the keys from him. The ride home is gloomy. Carson glares out the window and won’t speak to anyone. He and Jayla have their ear buds in, listening to their iPods. Walker falls asleep when it begins to rain. Joseph and I give up trying to make small talk.
Airen is lost in his head, brooding in silence. Carson scared the shit out of him and probably hurt his feelings as well when he shouted he wasn’t his dad. I’m sure Carson’s feelings are hurt because Airen yelled at him. They’re both going to have to calm down and get over it.
I hide a small smile when it occurs to me that they seem like father and son now more than ever. Airen is getting a taste of raising a teenage boy, albeit in unique circumstances. I have no doubt Carson will test him in a dozen different ways in the years to come. He’ll have to see for himself unconditional love from a father is possible.
I reach over and squeeze Airen’s knee, bringing him out of his reverie, and he gives me a small grin as he places his hand over mine. Even when he’s stressed, he’s breathtaking.
“Hey, don’t worry so much. It’ll work out. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting teenagers.”
He flashes a radiant smile. “I think surviving the plague was easier.”
“Poor baby,” I tease.
“I know what might make me feel better,” he says provocatively.
“Hmm, I may have some plans for you this evening.” His muscles clench when I slide my hand up to squeeze his thigh.
Joseph pipes up from the backseat. “May I remind you not all of us are deaf or asleep at the moment?”
“You’ll hear a lot worse later,” Airen says, with a smirk.
“Airen Lane! No, he won’t!” I laugh, blushing.
“Uh oh, she broke out the middle name. You’re in trouble,” Joseph sings. Airen raises his eyebrows and grins at him.
“Quit it,” I order. “Or all he’s going to hear later is don’t, no, and stop.”
“Wrong order, darlin’. It’s more like, no, don’t stop,” he says, his eyes dancing with glee.
I give up and shake my head ruefully while they laugh.
At least the rain has stopped when we pull into Julie’s driveway. She comes rushing out after we honk, and Joseph carries Uno into the house. Airen and I stay to watch while Joseph takes the kids home. Julie takes over, sedating Uno and cleaning and bandaging his wounds.
“He was lucky. That bite on the neck was close to the artery,” she says.
“Do you think he’ll make it?” Airen asks.
“He won’t die of these wounds, but I’m concerned the coyote could have been rabid.”
“How can you tell?”
“We can’t. He’ll be fine here tonight, but you’ll have to get a dog pen. He has to stay quarantined for at least three weeks while we watch for symptoms.”
“And if he has it?”
“You’ll have to put him down. There’s nothing I can do.”
“He saved Carson,” I declare, as if that should make a difference.
“I understand. He may still be okay. We just have to wait. Go on home, you two. You look exhausted. I’ll take care of him.”
“Thank you.” Airen kisses her on the cheek before we leave.
“You’re telling Carson he has to stay away from Uno,” Airen says, as we walk across the yard.
I stop and gaze at him in amusement. “Are you scared of a thirteen year old boy?”
He attempts to give me a stern, disapproving look, but the corners of his mouth twitch up. “I think whatever I tell him right now, he’ll do the opposite.”
“Probably. You don’t think your threat to wear him out was effective then?”
“He knows I wouldn’t hurt him. Of course, someone else doubted I’d put her across my knee.” His lips lift in a sexy little half smile.
“Barbarian,” I chide.
“You know you like it.” His hand slides into my back pocket as we walk.
* * * *
The temperature has dropped like a rock. It’s unusual weather for early September. The days are in the low si
xties, but at night it has barely remained above freezing. I suppose this is climate change in action. The weather is so unpredictable. Jayla and I have spent countless hours boiling and canning food for the winter. With Carson and Airen hunting almost every day, we have a massive freezer filled with the meat of various animals.
“Where are you off to?” I ask Joseph, handing him the hoodie he was searching for.
“I’m going to check the traps we set by the cave. Do you want to come with me?”
“Sure, why not?”
I throw on a sweatshirt and grab an emergency pack. Airen is obsessed with this rule. He put together small backpacks with food, water, flashlights, lighters, and other random supplies he’s deemed necessary. Whenever any of us go into the woods we have to carry one just in case, Along with a two-way radio. Airen is fishing with Carson, and he’ll freak if he doesn’t know where we are when he returns, so I leave a note on the fridge.
Joseph and I hike toward the lake. There isn’t a trail to the cave, but we have a compass, and we know to stay east and in sight of the lake. “How far is it? I’ve only been once, and it was a long time ago.”
“About four miles. You’ll know we’re close when you see the barn.”
“There’s a barn out here?”
“I think there was a house there at one time. You can tell that something burned down near the barn,” he explains.
It feels good to be in the woods. In addition to the cool temperatures, we have also had an abundance of thunderstorms. Absolutely nothing smells better than the forest after it rains.
A few years before the plague, our area was struck by a massive ice storm, and the woods still bear the scars. Fallen trees lie everywhere, and the forest floor is clogged with underbrush. It’s slow going at times, and it takes us over an hour to get to the traps.
“Shit,” Joseph mumbles. “They’re empty.”
“You dragged me all the way out here for nothing?”
“You looked like you needed some exercise.”
“That sounds like a fat joke,” I reply, giving him a playful slap.