by Mj Fields
Ava looks back at me with a shocked expression before she grabs the bag of rice with my phone in it. She brings it to me and takes Hope.
I see the missed call as I fish out the phone and know it’s Raider. He was the best intel officer I ever knew, until he retired and disappeared for many years.
“I have to take this,” I tell her, not wanting to leave because I don’t know what I will walk back to.
This is what I have avoided all my adult life. I work much better knowing what I am facing. With her...Hell, with me and my emotions and this fucking dilemma we are facing, there is no clear cut answers.
I thought sitting back for a few days and observing her would give me some insight to what I am facing. I never expected to feel what I feel for Chance, or his sister. Add Ava to that, and I am a man unprepared. And being unprepared makes me reactive. Reactive was never a problem when facing an enemy or a threat; I used it to my advantage. However, when my target, my enemy, my threat is Ava Links...my reactions, my emotions, and even the mission changes in the blink of an eye.
I sigh as I close the elevator and shake the excess rice off my phone before calling Raider back.
“Yo,” he answers.
“What do you have for me?”
I contacted him to find out who the witnesses are to the accident. Someone got out of a vehicle and ran toward the scene. Two someones were conversing right after the accident.
“2015 Chevy Suburban.”
“That it?” I ask
“It’s black.”
I roll my eyes. “No shit.”
He laughs. “Female driver is my guess. In the video, I think she says, ‘What have you done?’”
I sigh. “Thought so, too.” Meaning the female driver who came upon the scene saw the man who hit T. By what I saw in the video, it appeared they knew each other.
“Gonna be like finding a needle in a stack of needles.”
“Needs to be done.”
“Miss A?”
“What?” I gasp, and he laughs.
“The boys think—”
“This has nothing to do with the boys, Raider. This was supposed to be you and me.”
“One of our own appears from the depths of hell for the first time in months and we’re all in.”
“Don’t need all in.”
“Right.” He chuckles.
“I’m fucking serious.”
“Look, Birdman, it doesn’t matter what you ask for. What is, is.”
I am half a second from snapping when a realization strikes me. I’m acting like Ava—pushing away those who have my back regardless.
It still fucking sucks, but I force myself to say, “Thanks.”
“Anytime, man,” he says on a laugh.
“Chat later,” I tell him.
“Like it or not.”
“Like it,” I admit, then hang up before shit gets too deep.
A 2015 Chevy Suburban. I see hundreds of those pass by every day. I looked at the footage at least twenty times, and nothing else is caught. Again I remind myself, this isn’t going to be easy.
Fuck.
Heading back up to the apartment, I find Ava in the nursery, sitting in a rocking chair and holding them both as she looks out the window, deep in thought.
“Can I hold him?” I ask as I walk over.
Her eyes are blank, but she nods.
I take him, sit down in the other rocking chair, and Chance squirms until he seems to find the place he wants to be in, then nuzzles into my neck.
I always wondered how the hell people could sit still for hours and do nothing. It seemed like a waste of time. This is no waste.
I close my eyes, bow my head so my nose is on his head, inhale the sweetest scent in the world, and I rock.
After a very long time, Ava gets up and puts a sleeping Hope in her crib. Without a word or a look of concern, she then leaves the room.
I’m alone with Chance, and he’s asleep in arms. My father was never allowed this opportunity. I’m a lucky man.
I have outgrown my shadow, but it doesn’t bring me joy. It brings me realization.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It’s just a phase. - R. Yatsko
AVA
I have done the dishes, picked up the toys from off the floor, and I should be sleeping, but I’m not, because he is with Chance.
I walk out onto the balcony and look up. “You can’t imagine what this is like, T, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for you to watch from the clouds, but my hands are tied. They are tied by the man who loved me like no other, a man I love and promise to love forever. I won’t break that promise, but I am so angry.
“One second it’s at him for being here, and another second it’s at you for lying to me. How could you do that, T? I mean, I know why, but really why? Did you think this through? Did you think Luke would just walk away?” I feel myself getting angry.
“I’m so mad at you for loving me, and me for loving you. You’d be alive, T!” I yell down at the spot where he died. “You’d be alive, and wouldn’t that be the same as now? You said you loved me. You should have stayed loving me from a distance. You should have!”
I turn and slide down the cold brick wall, sitting on top of the snow. “All those things you said were said in vain, T. It was said in a lie. A lie I am stuck in, and a lie they—our...my children. Yes, mine...You’re gone. You’re gone, and the three of us are here, and he’s rocking his son in a chair that was never intended for him.”
The tears start, and I don’t give a damn. I let anger, pain, betrayal, and more anger roll out of me until I am exhausted. So fucking exhausted.
“What do I do now, T? What do I do? Hurt you, hurt them, hurt him? No, you won’t hurt; you’re dead. He won’t hurt, because he won’t leave it alone. So, for now, I will hurt. I will hurt and cry, and lose again. Then, when they get older, they will hurt, and I will hurt more.”
“You don’t get to hurt.”
I look up at Luke’s voice and see his pained expression.
“Just go back inside,” I tell him, slapping away my tears. How could he say that? Look at what I am facing.
“No.”
“Luke, this is none of your concern. I am none of your concern. I’m a grown-ass woman, sleeping in the bed I made. I’m not a little girl who needs saving. So, just go.”
“No.”
“I am trying here. I am. And you”—I push myself up and walk to the door—“you’ll win. You’re Luke Lane; you always win. You’ve just got to give me a little time.”
“How will it be a win if I’m hurting one of my team members?”
Fuck him and his team! Fuck me for being angry at him. But fuck him harder.
God, this is insane. So insane.
“No man left behind—”
“Just shut up!” I turn toward him. “Just shut up about all of this! Jesus Christ, Luke, I am doing the best I can, and you—”
“You’re thinking all wrong—”
“Done it for years. Leave it alone.” With that, I stomp into the bathroom and slam the door behind me.
“Be nice, Ava,” I mock to myself. “Do the right thing, Ava. Stick up for those who can’t do it for themselves, Ava. You are better than that, Ava.” I grab the facial cleanser and look in the mirror. “And who the hell taught you that? Not your fucking mother!”
The door opens, and he walks in. “That’s enough, Ava.”
“Get out of here! Jesus, Luke!” I want him to just leave me alone. He’s not making things any better.
“So you can fill your head full of more shit?”
“I’m fucking serious!”
“I’m much more serious!” he yells back. “None of this shit is your fault, so stop the self-defamation—”
“Who do you think you are?” I point at the door. “I lied to you! Be pissed about that and walk away!”
“It’s not a goddamned lie when I never asked. When I figured it out, I didn’t say shit until I was ready. So, enough, Ava. A
ll that shit you said out there—blaming yourself, not deserving peace and happiness—I can say the same shit about me. Hell, I have. But it’s a fucking lie.” He grabs both sides of my face. “If you lie in shit, I’m lying next to you. Do you—”
I kiss him. Yes, I kiss him. I will give him what he wants.
He opens his mouth and covers mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth. I open further, allowing him to control the kiss until I need to take control.
“Jesus, Ava,” he groans, and then I kiss him again. Why? I have no idea, but it shuts him up, and it makes me feel something other than what I have been feeling.
He grabs the back of my neck and pulls me closer. The way his hungry mouth takes my lips is so familiar. The way his other hand almost cups me makes me insane with need, and I can’t hold back the cry that leaves my mouth.
“Hurry,” I say as I pull my shirt up, but he takes my hand and holds it against the wall.
“Hurry,” I plead as he cups my cheek, gently gliding his thumb up and down my jawline.
“Hurry,” I moan as he moves his kisses down my neck to my shoulder.
“Hurry,” I say when he gently kisses the swell of my breast.
“Hurry!” I beg, needing more.
“Tell me you’ve missed me, Ava. That’s always next,” he says as he presses his erection against my waist.
I can’t tell him that.
“Tell me, Ava.” He lowers himself until he’s brushing his cock against my begging pussy.
I can’t.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he continues. “So fucking much. Tell me, Ava.” He pulls his lips away and looks down at me. “Tell me.”
Still, I say nothing.
“Until you tell me you missed me, we do the friend thing. Then, you want my dick, you get it, because you want me like I want you.”
“Luke...”
“No.” He turns to walk away then stops. “I’m in no fucking hurry, not anymore.”
When he walks out of the room, I lean back, panting. I wanted him, or...at least to feel...something, and he walked away.
He’s in no hurry?
I hear a door slam.
He’s pissed? He has no right to be pissed.
I push myself off the wall and start the shower. Standing under the water, my emotions are scattered everywhere, and he—
I stop myself from continuing that line of thought.
It wasn’t him. It was you, Ava, I silently scold myself. You threw yourself at him to escape the pain.
No more fairy tales, dammit. None. Life isn’t a fucking fairy tale. It’s not. It’s hard, it hurts, and the hurt doesn’t stop.
I close my eyes and tip my head back, allowing the water to pour down on my face. I can’t think straight, and I can’t not think. I tried to do something about that. I wanted to feel, but he shot me down.
Thomas, I’m so sorry. I am so sorry.
I want to promise him it won’t happen again, but I don’t know if it will be in vain. I know I’m confused, scared of what tomorrow holds because he is here, and because I am scared.
Luke never comes out of his room, and I never go to him. I kiss my babies then climb into the bed. I pull the covers tight around me and try to keep my eyes open, because every time I close them, I see him. I see him, and it hurts.
“I love you, Thomas...forever.”
That’s not a fairy tale. It’s the cold hard truth.
I see him smiling at me. He looks at me like I am the only person on the planet. He makes me feel like it’s true.
Smiling at me, he is beautiful, and I need him. He smiles at me, dammit, like everything is going to be okay. I know he will make it so. He will.
I see him, and he is right there. He is right there, but I can’t get to him. He won’t stop smiling, and I hear the song. I hear the song about the sun, and shaking, and luck changing. I want that. I want it to change.
“I want you back,” I plead with him.
He’s still smiling while I scream at him. My scream is pain. It’s hurt, need, loss. It’s life. It’s metal, and sidewalks, and poles. It’s love, and life, and death. It’s...suffocating.
He’s right there. Right there, smiling at me. He loves me. He does. And I’m not mad at him, and he’s not mad at me. I know our love will make it all right. I know it.
He’s smiling at me, and I can’t move. I can’t go to him, and he won’t come to me. He’s just...smiling at me.
I yell, telling him, “When you love someone, you don’t stop! When you love someone, they are forever a part of you! When you love someone, their pain is yours. Their hopes, their dreams, their life, their death—everything is yours! Please, please come to me...”
I try to move, but I can’t.
I want him to know nothing will make me turn away from him, and that it’s okay to come back, so I tell him, “Your dream, T. Your dream was to never be hungry, and to have love. And then it was to have a family. We have it all. Just come back, T. Just come back!”
But he doesn’t. And they won’t let me go to him. They are taking me away, and I am crying, screaming, kicking, and begging, but he just stays there, smiling at me.
“Shh...I know. Shh...It will be okay, I swear it. I swear it will be okay. I know it hurts, Ava, but it will be okay. I promise.”
I can’t fight him. He’s too strong. Too strong, and he won’t let go. He won’t, and I just want T.
It’s quiet, and I’m hot. I pull the covers off my feet, and up over my eyes. The babies are asleep, and I don’t want to get up yet. Just twenty more minutes.
I roll to my side and feel the heat of the sun beating down on me. I must have forgotten to draw the room-darkening curtains. And even though I don’t want to get up, I know if I don’t draw those curtains, the sun will wake them prematurely. I don’t want to get up, either, but I must.
I open my eyes and see that I am not in my babies’ room. I’m in T and my room.
I quickly roll over, and I am almost on top of...Luke?
He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. I feel my eyes widen as he closes his.
He sighs then whispers, “You okay?”
“Why am I—”
“Bad dream,” he answers, slowly opening his eyes again. “You okay?”
I roll away from him, putting distance between us. “I’m fine.”
He gives a silent huff. “Good.”
Something vibrates, and he grumbles, “Shit.” He sits up and grabs his phone, looking at the screen before answering, “Hi, Mom,” as he lies back down.
Jade. He’s talking to Jade.
I attempt to flee, but he grabs my wrist and mouths, “Stay.”
I mouth back, “No!”
He smirks and nods his head, not releasing my wrist.
“I’m fine, Mom.”
He hits speaker and sets the phone on the bed before rolling onto his side and looking at me as Jade talks.
“You sure? Luke, you should be home; you’re healing.”
“Thing about healing, Mom, is it doesn’t matter where you are when you’re doing it, just as long as you’re doing the work.”
“That’s great, Luke, but the thing about being a parent is, when your child is healing, you want to help in the process.”
I suck my cheeks in, trying not to laugh. Jade never gets snippy with her golden boy.
He cocks his eyebrow at me while telling her, “Mom, I’m good. Doing the work. Actually, I’ve been lifting weights at the oddest hours.”
He’s talking about me, the ass.
“I think I’m probably the strongest I’ve ever been.”
“Strong enough to get in your truck and make it home so I can see that for myself?”
He sighs.
“Luke Lane...” Her voice cracks, and we both look shocked. “For nearly eight years, I have forced my focus on how proud I am of you, the man, and that I know”—she clears her throat—“I know Tommy is up there, watching over you, but no more. No more. You need to be home
; do you understand me? I’m still your mother; you’re still my little boy.”
“Mom—”
“Don’t mom me. Do you know how many hours, days, weeks I have been on a damn computer, or in front of the TV, watching everything going on in this world? And how many hours I have spent on my knees—”
“Something you and I need to discuss, son,” Ryan begins.
“Ryan, shut up,” Jade literally growls at him. “Luke, I’m not asking you; I’m telling you, dammit.”
“I’ll be there when I can. I promise, Mom.” The way he says it is sweet, childlike.
“If you are not here for Christmas, your sister will be devastated.”
“Lauren is a senior in high school; she damn sure knows I’m not Santa Claus by now.”
Ryan laughs. “Pretty sure she still thinks you are.”
“It doesn’t matter, Luke. It’s your fault she thinks you are, so you better make damn sure she still does,” Jade snaps
I cover my mouth so I don’t laugh.
“Mom...”
“All those Christmas Eves you snuck out of the house, and then back in; what did you think she would think?”
Luke raises both eyebrows at me. “Only snuck in for the past seven years. The others, that’s when I was coming home.”
“Yeah, well, care to discuss where you were?” she asks.
He laughs. “Love to.”
I draw my finger across my throat, telling him I will slit his if he says a word, and he winks.
“Well, Lauren and Logan have a theory,” Jade taunts.
He grabs for his phone, but I smack his hand away. No way is he going to silence her. I want to know.
“I’ll see what I can do about Christmas,” he tells her while glaring at me. It makes me smile, until I realize that means he is going to push me to go home.
Like he’s reading my mind, he gives me a slow wink.
“Might have to be out of town for a bit longer. Again, I’ll see what I can do about Christmas.”
“I’ll pull a Lucas,” Jade warns, and Ryan laughs as we both look at each other.
“A what?” Luke asks, almost chuckling.
“Lucas threatened Ava that he would be there every day until Christmas if she won’t let him come see her, and she finally caved. He’s going to see her this coming weekend. So don’t you dare think I’m incapable of doing that.”