A brow raised, and that soreness still niggled at me beneath the surface. I wanted to forget. I wanted to lose myself in her again.
“Perhaps I am. Do you have any objections?” My mouth sank to wrap around one of her perky pink nipples. She gasped, arching toward me. I sucked harder and her hips jolted. She let out a long, slow moan that ignited my blood. “I take it you are on board with this evasion tactic.”
Heavy breathing met me in answer. I nudged her shoulder, so that she lay flat beneath me. Our gazes locked and she swallowed. “I need you,” I ground out between my teeth, watching her through narrowed eyes.
She licked her lips and stared up at me with those beautiful green eyes.
My mouth sank to devour her neck, and she squirmed beneath me. Heaven. Slowly, so slowly that pain, that rawness of opening up was fading, cooling as I immersed myself in her. Like a healing salve. I rolled her onto her side, facing away from me, and lay behind her in a spoon position. She murmured unintelligibly as I pressed my erection to her firm, round bottom. My mouth enveloped her earlobe. “I want inside you again, Gray. Now.”
She whimpered against me in response, but she was nodding, and eventually, she supplied a breathy, “Yes.” This sent me digging for another condom, sheathing myself effortlessly before pressing against her from behind, my arm wrapped around her waist, holding her to me as I entered her again.
As before, it was a tight fit. And I went slow. Thankfully, she didn’t flinch this time. In fact, she kept absolutely still, leaning her thin shoulders back against my chest. Once again, her heat swallowed me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, letting loose an involuntary curse.
Fuck. It felt so good. I moved my hand to her clit. “I want you to come when I’m inside you. I want to feel it when you’re wrapped around me.” She moaned loudly as my hand moved over her, stroking her heat, her wetness, I moved inside her while my hand strokes quickened in pace. Her lithe body undulated against mine, responding to my movement.
Good God, this was blowing my mind, pulling me into an inescapable gravity well—our own event horizon. Time slowed, and all I became aware of were her movements against my body, her vocal responses to my touch. The smell of her arousal, her sweat-soaked skin sticking to mine. Jesus. She was destroying me.
I became acutely aware of the mounting tension in her body. She’d gone stiff against me, her eyes squeezed shut, her head thrown back against my shoulder, every stroke met by a strong vocal response. Like a long, intimate conversation. My hand moved, my cock gently thrust inside her, and she moaned and writhed against me, pressing the globes of her pert little ass into my groin, making me lose my mind.
I stilled when she hit her climax, her muscles clenching, gripping me ferociously. It squeezed the air from my lungs, and I couldn’t move—couldn’t breathe until her crisis had faded and she was limp against me once more. I brought my mouth down to suck her neck, and I resumed my movement, more insistent, more urgent than before.
The tension in my pelvis, my legs, my chest, everything tightened, and I couldn’t think again until I was coming—mindless pressure spasming in pleasure waves as I stilled, thrusting inside as deep as I could. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It felt so good.
Long minutes after that, riding that wave of heady afterglow, the bed moved as she left it, and I rolled onto my back, dazed, knowing I should probably follow her. I did manage to pull off the condom and dispose of it. Somewhere in there, I cleaned up before stumbling back to bed, pulling her to me and falling into a restful, dreamless slumber. A type of sleep I hadn’t experienced in months. Maybe even a year.
Chapter 20
Gray
I’m not sure where the days went. They floated by in a delightful but delirious haze. I know I got my work done. I know I was accomplishing things—working on my side jobs for the Mars Analog team and compiling studies for other colleagues. I know I maintained my fairly modest social life when I could.
But damn if it wasn’t all done through a Ryan-colored filter cast over my life. I saw everything as if looking through him. If it were a color, it would definitely be one of the warmer, more pleasant ones, maybe a golden-yellow hue. It made the world more pleasant, colors more vibrant, bright things even brighter. Experiences more vivid. Tastes more intense.
And it was stunning how much I thought about him every day. And not only when I was in bed with him making all kinds of new wrinkles in his sheets. Not only when I saw him at work and we had to fight not to grin at each other like idiots and gloat over our stunning little secret.
I thought about him most of all when he wasn’t around me. When I was trying to focus on my work or write up reports. When I was in meetings with the psychology team, trying to work out new training schedules and protocols for the astronaut team.
I even thought about him when I managed a rare moment to slip away on a Saturday to have a long-delayed lunch with Pari at the outdoor patio of a vegan restaurant—her choice—near where we worked in Seal Beach.
She had a bowl of lentil stew with a big chunk of dark bread. I munched on a vegan burrito with a side salad.
“It’s about time you come hang out with me.” She pouted in between spooning bites of the fragrant brown mixture into her mouth. “I was beginning to think maybe my deodorant wasn’t working anymore.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy.”
“With your babysitting job…yes, I know. How is the astro-hottie, anyway?”
I smiled, astro-bae, indeed. Quickly, I shoved the burrito into my mouth to cover for the blush that was now bathing my skin. She didn’t miss it.
“What was that?”
I flicked an innocent glance up at her, eyes wide. Any moment now, I was going to start busting up. I wouldn’t be able to maintain this for long. But I hadn’t decided yet on how much I could or should tell her. I mean, I trusted Pari implicitly, but I wasn’t sure who I could confide in about this.
And yet, if I didn’t tell someone, I risked spontaneously combusting. The Ryan-colored filter was even seeing that as something ridiculously positive. Jeez. In some ways, he was better than what I’d imagine a psychotropic drug to be.
“Fess up. Now. Are you crushing on him? Or is there more?” She scrutinized my face as I slowly chewed my bite. I was usually so good at masking my emotions. With my parents, I’d had to become an expert at it at a very young age, but damn, this was hard. Hard.
I’d never ever felt like this before—like I had a thousand champagne bubbles inside my chest, fizzing and burbling all the time—and it was damn hard to conceal.
Her eyes widened, and she slapped the table beside her plate, rattling all the silverware and startling the couple sitting nearby. She turned to them, sheepishly muttering her apologies.
Then she was back at me, making frantic “gimme” gestures with her fingers. “Spill it. Now.”
I faux-scowled at her. “Why do I have to talk about my stuff when you are the one walking around with all the secrets?”
She threw me an exasperated look. “What secrets? I have no secrets.”
“Victoria?” I raised my brows at her expectantly.
She ripped off a chunk of bread and sat back in her chair, thoughtfully gnawing on it as she considered me. “Touché.”
I forked a bite of my salad into my mouth, satisfied that I had shut her up. Yes, it was weird that an almost-psychologist was happy to shut her friend up instead of getting her to talk about something that was obviously bugging her.
A myriad of emotions crossed through her dark eyes, indecision, curiosity, doubt, and even a little fear before she set the remaining chunk of bread aside on the table next to her plate and leaned forward.
“Fine, I’ll tell you what’s going on if you tell me about you and Ty.”
“A tell-all?” Should I call her bluff? I put my hand to my chin and tilted my head. “An interesting idea.”
“Are you in?”
“You first.” I said slowly, throwing h
er a look under my lashes. I knew better than to trust Pari. She’d milk all my details and then throw me a bone or two in return, an unequal exchange.
Her mouth quirked. “No fair. You have all your psychologist skills you can use on me to pull everything else.”
I arched a brow. “Untrue. Besides, you love to brag about how you’re immune to my ‘psychological voodoo.’”
She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Fine. About four months ago, I had a one-night stand.”
I frowned, waiting for her to continue, staring straight into her dark eyes. Our gazes locked and I made the connection she was hoping I’d make, likely so she wouldn’t have to speak it. “Holy crap. You…and Victoria?”
She blinked and looked away, a pained look crossing her features before it was gone.
I let out a long breath and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I had no idea what I was expecting her to admit, but it wasn’t that. It felt weird because while Pari was freely sharing with me about her personal sex life, Victoria had not. I bit my bottom lip, knowing that, ethically, I had to proceed carefully.
“So one or the other of you was hoping for more, I take it? Not just a hookup?” And if I knew Pari, I already knew which one that was.
She shrugged and shook her head vehemently. “I didn’t mean to hurt her. I thought she was down for some fun. I—” She let out a breath and sucked in a new one.
I held up a hand. “Okay, no details. I don’t need details.”
Her brows rose. “Are you sure? Because I sure as hell am going to ask you deets about yours.”
I raised my brows at Pari. “You should talk to her.”
She rolled her shoulders, covered by her military-inspired khaki windbreaker. “What on earth would I say? ‘Thanks for the stellar lay. Sorry, you got your feelings hurt expecting more?’”
With my arms folded against my chest, I tilted my head at her. “Why can’t there be more?”
She blinked, staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights. Clearly, my question had caught her off guard. “Well, we, uh… We work together, for one.”
“Not together. You probably go days or weeks without seeing each other. So, she doesn’t do it for you?”
She drew back, looking almost offended. “Uh, no. Have you seen her? She’s fucking gorgeous. Everything about her is…” She shook her head almost wistfully.
“Too good for you?”
She stared into midspace between us, then blinked, as if pulling herself out of a trance. “Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “Like what the hell do I have to offer her?”
“I bet she’d have some very valid and thoughtful answers for that, if you asked her.”
She swallowed visibly as if terrified by the thought. But she didn’t say a word. The silence hung between us, filled only by the sounds of the diners around us.
“Maybe you should just work on the idea of doing it. Imagine yourself having the conversation. Get the courage up. Because you know what? You do deserve her. You’re smart and beautiful yourself. Even if a little too over the top in the snark department.”
Suddenly, she laughed. “There ya go. Psychologizing me again.”
I snickered, grabbing my water glass and raising it to my lips. “That’s not a verb, Pari.”
“It is for you.” I sighed, and she hardly even let a beat go by before she started in. “Okay, your turn. Spill about you and Ty.”
I clenched my jaw and then relaxed it, knowing it was only fair that I “spill my beans” in turn. But I had to be careful. Pari also worked with Ryan. And many of these “deets” were not mine to spill. I glanced around to see if anyone was listening to us. “First off, let’s not use his name out here, okay?” Pari’s eyes widened, and she nodded. Since I’d lowered my voice considerably, she leaned forward, resting her chin in her hands.
“Okay, well. We are…involved.”
“What does that mean? You can’t exactly date.”
I nodded. We couldn’t go out much in public. He got recognized pretty much wherever he went.
Her brows went up. “Are the two of you…?” She made a gesture with her hands.
I wiped my mouth with my napkin. “Cone of silence, Pari?”
She looked at me as if I was an idiot. “Of course.”
“Then…yes,” I finally croaked.
Her eyes were as huge as if they’d been drawn for anime.
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.”
She blinked, then spoke in a harsh whisper. “Oh, I’m gonna look at you like that. You lost your virginity to an American icon. That’s brilliant. How was it?”
I blushed beet red. “Pari—”
“Well, I imagine with as much ass as he gets, he’s really good—” Then she stopped herself. “Oh shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like—”
“Like I’m just another piece of ass?”
She bit her lip and looked at me.
I made a gesture with my hand and picked at my salad. “It’s okay. I get it.”
“Well, well, well. Our little Gray is all grown-up. Magnificent.” Her lips curved in a tight smile. “But you aren’t…you’re not getting feelings for him, are you?”
I flicked a look up at her. “What, you mean because he’s the first guy, so I have to be madly in love? No.” I had no clue about what being “in love” truly meant and had already recognized that many of my symptoms—including the Ryan-colored filter—would be attributed by most in my field to infatuation.
I was happily infatuated with him, and I wasn’t afraid to admit it—if only to myself.
Pari bit her lip and reached across the table in an uncharacteristic gesture, to touch my wrist. “Just be careful, okay? Please. Guard your heart.”
I smiled and pointed to myself. “It’s me. Guarding my heart is my specialty.”
I was good at playing it safe, as Ryan was fond of calling me on.
Playing it safe was admitting that this was infatuation, nothing more. Nothing more than an enjoyable fling while we worked toward a common goal.
Playing it safe was keeping my head on my shoulders and remembering that, even if I had to chant it every day like a mantra.
And as for the man himself, I didn’t see him until that night. He’d gone to the gym to work out and then out with the guys. I hoped he’d choose not to drink. He’d been doing so well lately. The day before, I’d had a chance to casually glance at the measured levels on the bottles in his wet bar. According to them, he hadn’t touched a drop since returning from Houston.
Here’s to good things continuing.
When he got home after dinnertime, he found me at his kitchen table, my laptop open as I finished an email to my team members.
Without a word, he came up behind me and put his mouth on that spot. The one he knew made my heart race instantly. Right at the base of my neck where it joined my shoulder.
I moved my head to the side, stretching my neck for him, and he obliged, kissing his way all the way up.
“Did you have a good day?” I asked.
His hands came around and cupped my breasts, kneading them to desperate, aching points. I blew out a breath. We’d had sex this morning, but he was acting like he hadn’t touched me in weeks.
I turned my head and inhaled deeply, feeling that pleasant zing I always got from his smell. But more importantly, I didn’t smell alcohol.
“I will tell you all about my day,” he said gruffly with my earlobe in his mouth. “Afterward.”
And with that, he scooped me out of the chair and carried me into his room like a caveman.
Now, I don’t normally go in for the Neanderthal type, but that did turn me on. A lot.
He lowered us both to the bed, slowly, as if returning to full gravity after a bout of weightlessness. When we hit the bed, our mouths fastened together.
Our bodies soon joined in that same, gorgeous dance. And, as always, he left me sweaty and breathless and oh-so-full of afterglow.
Afterward, we t
ook a shower together, and out of the blue, I thought about Karen. I hadn’t sent her an update on him this week.
“You know what might be awesome?” I asked as I soaped up his back.
“More sex after we get out of the shower?” he shot back immediately.
I laughed. “Aside from that.”
“There’s nothing even close to that.”
“I was thinking. Maybe you could send Karen a text. Maybe a picture for AJ or something.”
Silence.
Well, at least he didn’t stiffen and tense under my hands when I brought it up. “I just thought, you know, something simple. She asks about you.”
He turned around to rinse his back and looked at me for a long time without answering.
I shrugged. “I’m not going to push it. Think about it, okay? Maybe start with something easy.”
His look told me that there was nothing easy about it for him. I leaned forward, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. “You decide what you’re up to doing. I was just putting that out there.”
He kissed me back, then grabbed my butt and pulled me flush against him, deepening the kiss. We at least made it out of the shower without having sex, but it was touch-and-go there for a few minutes.
As we were drying off, he stared into space, thinking. Then he looked up and said, “I’ll text him a picture I took of the guys at work the other day.” I nodded. No picture of himself, but of the other astronauts that AJ undoubtedly knew very well.
Small steps. Good. I smiled but decided not to make a big deal out of it. “Great idea.”
We fell asleep soon after, and I couldn’t help but think how much I enjoyed looking at life through my Ryan-filter. Infatuation or no, I could enjoy this for a while.
Maybe even a long while.
Chapter 21
Ryan
We spent the next few weeks in a thrilling, exhaustive haze of work, hours of sex, and long talks in between. At work, we were complete professionals, hardly even crossing paths. I was too busy gearing up for the first round of full flight simulations, and she was finishing up some projects that she described to me in detail in bed between bouts of hot sex.
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