by Bella Jewel
I turn and walk towards the gate.
“Molly!”
I look back at him. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s hurting me so much. I want to be your friend. I want to support you. But our connection ... It’s too strong for us to ever just be able to be normal friends. We weren’t made for normal, Roman. You know it. I honestly hope it works out for the best, and I’ll be here if it doesn’t, but you can’t ask me to be your friend if you go back there. I will never like her. I will never respect her. I will never be okay with her. Because she means nothing to me. She’s not my person. You’re my person.”
My chest feels like someone is laying on it. It hurts so bad.
“Please, try, at the very least, to know your worth. You are worth so much more than her. Even, on some small, off chance she does take you back, how long do you honestly think that’ll last before you’re right back here, in this same situation? It won’t be long. You know that, you just don’t want to accept it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, and that just rips my heart clean open.
It bleeds its pain in my next words and that pain finally slams out, pouring out of my mouth in angry, frustrated, broken words.
“Dammit, Roman! God damn you! We had something fucking special. This friendship, it was special. You’re going to throw everything away for a disgusting, selfish, pig of a person like her? I will never understand that. Never. Not for the life of me. Be careful that you don’t push away everyone who actually does fucking adore you, for a woman that doesn’t.”
I turn and rush out, tears flowing down my cheeks.
Idiot.
I’m such an idiot.
CHAPTER 21
“Come on, darlin’, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.”
My dad strokes his big hand down my hair, as I curl up on the sofa in his office at the clubhouse. He’s sitting beside me, he has been for the last two hours, as I sob uncontrollably.
“It is, Daddy,” I croak. “It’s so bad.”
“You want to tell me what happened? Or do I have to guess?”
“I made friends with this guy ...”
“Yeah, I know,” he goes on, fingers drifting through my hair, soothing me.
“Well, we had both been through really bad break ups and became really good friends. It’s hard to explain, the friendship ... it’s genuine. It was never just a rebound. It was so much more than that. Outside of the slight romantic part, our connection was through laughing and talking, and all the other wonderful things people have when they meet.”
“So, what’s the problem? Did he only want sex?”
I look up at my dad and he shrugs. “I’m a man, darlin’. Gotta ask. Don’t be shy. Though, you should know, I will kill the fucker if he used you in any way ...”
I smile weakly. “No, he didn’t use me. If anything, he was always so honest. It’s my fault, I went into it knowing that he was still in love with another woman, and I just let my emotions get the better of me once again. As always, I thought with my heart and not my head, and it got me hurt.”
“Sounds like you just moved too quickly. This man he doesn’t sound like a prick. If he was, he would have just used you and given you the flick. Sounds to me like you both have something real, but he simply wasn’t ready.”
“So, it was my fault?” I croak.
“No, darlin’. You both jumped in, because it felt good. That’s not on either of you. He wasn’t ready, he should have probably been more honest about that, or at least understood that when you have a connection with a woman, and you sleep with her, she’s going to get attached. All men know that.”
“I truly believe he thought he was over it. Honestly, I do.”
Dad nods. “Sometimes when you’ve been hurtin’ so long, something comes along and makes you feel so good it masks your feelings. Then, as you’ve seen, that all comes crashing back down.”
“Do you think his feelings for me were ever genuine?”
Dad nods. “Yeah, I do, but the man hadn’t recovered from his past and until he does that, he isn’t free to move forward. Best thing you can do, baby girl, is to give him time. Trust me, he needs it. Pressure, or any kind of emotional response from you, it’ll only make it worse for him and push him away from you. Put yourself in his shoes, and have some empathy.”
I look to my dad. He’s right. Of course, he’s right. Roman’s heart probably feels like it’s being ripped out of his chest right now, so no matter if he cares for me and truly does see potential, he can’t feel anything outside of what he’s feeling right now. He’s hurting. He just needs to hurt and heal.
“How do I shut down when I care about him so much?” I say softly.
“Space if you need, but if you can’t do space because you both need each other, then you need to take a bit of time, get yourself together, and accept what is right now. That is friendship. The man is hurtin’, he’s going to feel like that for a while, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, but you need to remove the pressure from your end for a while and just be there for him. Trust me, the more you add, the harder it’ll be for him to figure his head out.”
“I’m scared of doing that, because the more time I spend with him, the more I care about him. If he does actually get back together with his ex, it’ll destroy me, Daddy. I know it will.”
“Then, baby, you gotta take some time. You gotta take care of yourself first, you know this. That’s the best thing you can do for both of you. I don’t know much about his situation, but I can tell you more often than not when two people get back together after a nasty break up, it doesn’t last, but sometimes they need it to see that. Let him sort himself out. You can’t fight this battle for him. When he’s done doin’ that, you can be there for him again.”
I nod.
He’s right.
I have to let Roman do this one on his own.
I have to get myself together.
~*~*~*~
A week passes, and mostly I feel like I’ve just lost my best friend. Roman still tries to talk to me every day, and I know my lack of contact is worrying him. But I had to take this time. I’ve cried a lot and spent most of my time lying in my bed, wondering why I was so damned stupid. I should have never let my feelings come into play so early, if I had left them out, I would have been able to support him right through this and come out the end.
Instead, I screwed it all up.
After the eighth day of sulking, I get up, take a deep breath, and know it’s time to move on. I have to get over this. I have to find myself again. I have to get myself together. This isn’t healthy, and it’s not helping anyone. Maybe when I do, I can have the friendship with him that he wants. I get out of bed, I shower, I go for a walk, and get ready for work. It’s hard, but I force myself to do it.
I decide to send Roman a message just before I leave, letting him know I will drop some stuff he left here off while he’s at work. The only way for me to recover, is to do it properly and remove anything that reminds me of him, at least until I can get myself together. I can be strong for him, but I can’t do it if he’s with her. If that’s the case, I’ve decided I’ll need some time. If he’s not, I can control my feelings to be there for him.
M – Hey. Sorry I haven’t been answering. Been a hard few days. I hope you’re doing okay. I dropped off your stuff at your house, for when you get home. Hope you’re well. I’ll leave some beer, too. I owe you.
He responds almost immediately.
R – You don’t owe me. You sound like you’re leaving this friendship. Those things were yours. I gave them to you. I owe you. You were there for me the whole time. Don’t think I didn’t appreciate it. I did. I decided last night I’m not going down there. I need to have some self respect. Thank you for always being there.
I stare at the message.
Then I read it again.
He did it? He really did it?
M – I’m proud of you for doing that, and I will always be here, in one way or anothe
r. I just needed time. Are you really not going back there?
R – Nah. I can’t. I need to have some respect. She’s not well. I asked her to leave me be. It was amicable. She never really cared anyway, so it was easy for her. I just want to move on. I need to be strong this time.
He did it.
He ended it. He had the choice to go down there and see if there was anything left, and he chose to end it. Of course, going down there would have ended badly, and he would have gotten more hurt, but the fact is that when you love someone, it can be very hard to let that go.
But he did. He let it go.
M – I’m so proud of you. I know that would have taken so much strength. I know how hard it has been for you, and I know that decision wouldn’t have been easy.
R – Yeah. I deleted all the messages, all the photos, everything.
Wow.
He hasn’t done that. Not once. For him to delete it all ... that takes a lot.
Has Roman finally realised how utterly incredible he is, and how much more he deserves? Will it stick?
I have a feeling this time, it has a better chance of sticking, because I know it wouldn’t have been something he decided lightly.
M – That wouldn’t have been easy. I’m really proud of you for doing that.
R – Yeah. Gotta move on.
M – Listen, I’m really sorry I went off at you the other day. I feel like an idiot for not being there for you when you needed. It wasn’t fair.
R –It’s all good. We wouldn’t be besties if we couldn’t vent our anger and get away with it.
M – True but I should never be able to get away with being an emotional, slightly alcoholic, snot rag again.
I say those words, and I mean them. I shouldn’t have gone off at him the way I did. He was always upfront with me, even if at times it hurt. He never promised anything he couldn’t give. He was honest about his feelings for both her and I. It was me that jumped forty steps ahead, instead of just being the friend he needed at the time. I am ashamed of myself, for not being there for him and worrying so much about how it made me feel.
R – It’s okay. You’ve been through a lot, too.
M – Snot rag.
R – Ha ha. Spoof rag. You’d enjoy being a spoof rag.
M – Yes. I would.
R – Don’t run away on me, Bestie? Okay?
M – I’m not going anywhere. I just hope you are okay.
R – I’m okay. Bit down on and off today, but I’ll get over it. Again.
Yes.
Yes, he will.
This time, we’ll get him through in the right way.
The way we should have the first time.
CHAPTER 22
“Do you think I look okay?” Jack asks.
I roll my eyes. “Jack, you look fine. I thought you didn’t care what this girl thought of you? I thought you were ‘removing’ all your attention.”
He grunts. “Yes, but I still need to look good. Get with the times, Molly.”
I nudge him with my shoulder.
“You look like a two dollar hooker,” Phoenix says. “Total playboy. She’s going to run a million miles.”
I shoot Phoenix a look and he grins at me.
“Have ta agree with my bro,” Quinn says. “She’s going to see straight through you.”
“Leave him alone!” Matilda says, hooking her arm through Jack’s. “I think it’ll do her good to see him looking like he could get anyone, might make her pick up her game.”
“Or it’ll make her think he’s not worthy of her time,” Kaylee adds, quietly.
“C’mon, Kay,” Quinn says, throwing an arm around her shoulder. “Not everyone looks for the good in men like you do. Some girls just like the attention. This girl seems like one of them. She’ll fall for it.”
“What do you think?” Jack asks me, looking flustered.
“I think you need to be Jack. That’s it. Don’t be anyone else. Don’t chase her around. Don’t give her lovey-dovey eyes. Stop making a massive effort and just have fun.”
“Do you think that’ll work?” he asks me, sceptical.
“It would work for me if I was interested in a guy.”
“Me too,” Matilda adds.
We all keep moving down the sidewalk to a local club that Jack has on good authority that this girl, Baylee, is going to be at. So, we all decided to come with him, after he begged and pleaded. It’s always nice to go on a night out with these guys. We meet the end of the line and stop, all of us pulling out our identification.
We move through the line quickly, flash our I.D and enter the club. It’s a massive club, modern and sleek. Its theme is red, and, boy, do they make it work. Red and silver booths line the walls, a red dance floor is topped with a gorgeous glass chandelier, the bar is silver, but all the glasses are red. It’s well done and a lot of thought has gone into it.
“Let’s get drinks,” Jack yells. “You ladies go get a booth.”
I take Matilda and Kaylee’s arm and pull them through the crowd to a booth. We climb into one at the back corner. Matilda slides in first, Kaylee goes into the middle, and I slip into the end.
“So!” Matilda yells over the music. “Roman ...”
I glance at her and shrug. “It’s the same as it was before.”
She raises her brows.
It’s been two weeks since Roman told me he ended it with his ex, and in that time, he’s kept up to his word and hasn’t spoken to her. He’s had some pretty major up and downs, but he’s been strong. I’ve been there by his side, and I’ve done my best to make sure I’m not putting any pressure on or crossing any boundaries.
“It’s the same?” she questions.
Kaylee glances between us, eyes wide, taking the conversation in.
“Yes, it’s the same. We made a mistake rushing before, we’re not doing that again. He needs time. He’s hurting.”
“Yes, I know all that, but you two had something pretty special. Is it still the same?”
I nod. “Yeah, it is. He talks to me all the time, we still hang out all the time.”
“Just no sexy time?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, that’s correct.”
“Good for you. I think you two will have something pretty special if you can hold out and help him heal.”
“Yeah,” I say, and my heart twists.
It’s hard pushing my feelings down for Roman. People will never quite understand how frustrating it can be to keep in a friend zone with someone you care so much about. I too need this time but being with him, it makes me feel good and it can be so hard to remember that’s all it can be for right now. Maybe even forever. Because there is a chance Roman will come out the other side of this, and just want friendship. I have to prepare myself for that, so keeping this distance emotionally is good for both of us right now.
The guys return and Jack slides me a Cosmo; I take it and swallow a few sips. My phone buzzes in my purse, and I pull it out, glancing down at a message from Roman. I smile when I read it. He still has that effect on me. He can make me smile all the time, no matter what mood I’m in. That’s the best part about him.
R – How’s your night? Send me a picture of you all dressed up so I can see!
R – Not in a creepy stalker way.
M – I feel a little like you might be a creepy stalker after that text.
R – Send me a picture.
M – Maybe I’ll leave it up to your imagination...
R – It’s already in there. Now send me a picture!
M – Nah...hehe.
R – Being cheeky? Fine. But I will be getting that picture, one way or another. How is everyone?
M – Well, so far so good. No one has hit on me, spilt a drink on me or vomited.
R – Ha ha! I hope none of those things happen...
I grin.
A subtle hint.
M – Well, maybe not all three things, but at least one...
R – Yeah, okay, one. I hope you don’t like you
r top, it’s going to suck when someone spills a drink on it.
I can’t help it, my heart flutters, and I grin.
M – How’s your night?
R – Good. Just had an old friend show up! I’ll talk to you later, okay?
M – Have fun!
R – You too, pretty lady.
With a huge grin, I put my phone away and join the conversation. Jack’s eyes are roaming the club, looking for Baylee no doubt. I scoot closer to him. “She here yet?”
“Not yet. Dammit.”
“Aw, Jack, you’re hung up on this one.”
He looks to me. “It’s the hard to get thing.”
“So, when you get her, you’re going to get bored?”
He grunts. “I highly doubt she’s the kind of girl you get bored with. She drives you batshit crazy with just one conversation.”
“Then why all the interest?”
“She’s just ... she’s different, Mol.”
Aw.
Jack.
“You think she might be the one girl you actually keep around?”
He shrugs, shifting anxiously. “Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. I just know she is hard to get, because she’s classy. She doesn’t take anyone’s shit. I like that about her. And she’s funny, I’ve heard her talking to her friends. She just seems ... like a good type. For me, anyway.”
“Well, I hope—”
“There!” he whisper-yells, and I look to where his finger is pointing.
There is an absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous girl about twenty feet away, wearing a stunning red dress. She’s got angel-blond hair, and as her eyes scan the crowd, I can see they’re the deepest green eyes I’ve ever seen. She’s only a little thing, petite and small. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Her looks alone would capture any man.
“If she’s got balls and she’s that small, I like her already,” I say to Jack.
“Don’t let her size fool you, she’s a pocket rocket.”
“So,” I say, nudging him. “How are you going to play this?”