by Bella Jewel
“You told me you had feelings for me,” I yell, tears breaking free and tumbling down my cheeks.
“I did develop feelings for you, but at the time, we were just having fun. We made that clear. You got attached too soon, Molly. I never lied to you. I told you I couldn’t give you anything right then, that I needed time.”
“You used me.”
“Fuck. Stop.”
“I thought we had something special here, I was wrong. I just give, give, give to you, Roman, and you just can’t fucking see the forest through the trees. You’re so wrapped up in that ... that woman, that you can’t see what’s right in front of you. I’m done. Fuck. This.”
“Stop it,” he says, looking like I’m ripping his heart out. “Just fucking stop.”
He stands, looking so angry.
“Leave me be,” he mumbles, disappearing inside.
“Fine,” I mutter to myself, turning and climbing back into my car.
As soon as I get in, the tears burst forward.
I know I’ve fucked up.
I know it deep down in my chest.
What the hell did I just do?
CHAPTER 24
I’m a fool.
I’m a god damned fool.
There are literally no words to describe the horror I feel over my actions. I don’t know what the hell got into me. I let my own insecurities and hurt pour out and flood him, when he didn’t need it. When did I get so cold? So heartless? He was hurting, probably devastated at the realisation that it was truly over, and he needed me to just understand, but what did I do?
I made it about myself.
I fucked up in such a big way.
There is a moment in every person’s life when they realise that they’ve made a mistake that will ultimately make or break them. This moment is my mistake. For a small, horrible second, I let myself become someone I hate. I became worse than his ex, I became a selfish, ungrateful, unsupportive friend. I let him down when he needed me. I failed. I’m utterly ashamed of myself.
I should understand just how much it hurts to have your heart broken. Poor guy, it’s barely been a month and he’s been so strong about it, then I came crashing in and just fucked that all up. I made him feel guilty for having one moment, one moment in a month where he spoke to her. It’s not my damned business. God, no one could have told me not to talk to Michael when I was hurting.
The strength Roman has shown ... It’s incredible.
And I made him feel like nothing for it.
I stare down at my phone. I’ve thought about what I should say to make this better, but I just can’t think of the words. I have to go and see him, I have to pray he’ll accept my apology, I have to hope that I haven’t screwed up so badly that this will never get fixed. He’s the best person I know, I can’t believe I was so harsh.
It’s been a day, and I can only hope that’s enough time.
I climb into my car and take the drive over there. His car is there when I arrive, so with a deep, terrified breath, I climb out and walk up to his front door. I knock, and a moment later he appears. His eyes ... God, I’m such a horrible person. He looks tired. Worn.
“Can I come in?” I say softly.
He opens the door and lets me in. I walk over and sit down on the couch. He sits on the opposite one and stares at me, for a moment, neither of us speaks, then finally I muster up the courage to say the words that he needs to hear.
“I was wrong,” I begin, staring down at my hands. “I have never been so ashamed of myself in my entire life. Honestly, Roman, I was a terrible terrible person to you yesterday. What I did, the way I attacked you, it should have never happened. I had absolutely no right. I let my own insecurities and fears consume me and I spoke without thought. I acted without understanding how you might feel.”
My hands shake, so I press them together between my knees.
“It isn’t my business what you do and don’t do with her. It’s not my place. It’s not up to me to tell you that you can’t talk to her. Fact of the matter is, it was never my business. I let my feelings act for me, and for a small, horrible second of my life, I became worse than her. When you needed me, I wasn’t there; instead, I was making you feel worthless for something that wasn’t your fault. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he says, his voice soft, husky. I look up and hold his eyes. “I shouldn’t have been such a prick to you, either. I just need you to let me get through this how I need to get through this, sometimes I’m going to have bad days like that, sometimes I might speak briefly to her, sometimes I’m going to fail, Molly. I’m trying my hardest. I do want to move on. I do want to get past this. I just needed you to be my friend yesterday, I just needed you.”
My heart aches. “I know you did, and I let you down. For that I’m so incredibly sorry.”
“I didn’t mean what I said, you weren’t just sex, it wasn’t meant to come out like that. You know what I was saying. I told you I didn’t want anything serious that soon, you agreed to that, but I also know I fucked up so bad because I shouldn’t have done it to begin with. I’m fucking sorry for being such a dick.”
“You’re not a dick, and honestly, I shouldn’t have done it either because I did care about you.”
“Yeah, I know. But that was then. I’m going to fuck up sometimes now, I’m trying not to hurt you, I don’t want to hurt you. I fucking hate myself for what I’ve put you through. Honestly, I really did want things to work out between us then, it was just too soon. I feel like a pig for the way I’m treating you. I can’t get hold of myself, but I should never lead you on.”
I hold his eyes. “Let’s just leave it in the past where it belongs. We can’t change it, and honestly, I think we both kind of rebounded a little on each other when we probably shouldn’t have. That was a mistake we both made, but we came through the other side, we adore each other, let’s just get past this as the friends we are now, and leave the rest where it needs to be, in the past.”
He nods. “Yeah, sounds good to me.”
“Do you forgive me?”
He looks to me. “Yeah, of course. Do you forgive me?”
“Gosh yes. Can we hug and pretend yesterday never ever, ever, ever happened?”
He laughs and stands, opening his arms to me. “Get over here, punk.”
I step up to him and let him wrap his arms around me, and I hang on tight.
Dammit, do I hang on tight.
~*~*~*~
ONE MONTH LATER
“I’m so freaking excited!” I squeal, bouncing up and down in the chair of Roman’s truck.
We’re finally heading out to his property to go camping. We planned it a while back, but after our fight it just didn’t feel right. Now things are back to normal, and he’s heaps happier and finally moving on properly from his ex, it’s finally time to get out here and spend some time on the land.
I’m super excited about it.
“You’re not going to cry that it’s scary and you don’t like sleeping in tents or anything, are you?” Roman teases.
I snort. “No! I’m totally okay with sleeping in a tent and making a fire.”
“I brought a lighter, you know, just in case. We all know how good you are at lighting fires.”
I feign horror. “Don’t pay out on my fire lighting skills, Roman. It might take me approximately eighteen days of rubbing sticks together, but you will get a fire!”
He laughs. “Or, I could just use the lighter and save us all the embarrassment.”
I roll my eyes and bounce around as the truck goes over the dirt road leading up to his place.
“You’re staring at me,” he says and I blink.
“What?”
“You ... always stare at me when I drive.”
I giggle. “I do not.”
“Yes, you do. Always.”
I gape. “What? Are you serious?”
“Yep.” He grins. “Every time I’m driving, you’re just sitting there, staring, like a weirdo.”
/>
“Oh, my god,” I moan, covering my face. “I’m a total creeper.”
He nods with a grin. “I can’t figure out if you’re checking me out or if you’re just weird.”
I lower my hands and grin. “I’m totally checking you out, and I think that alone makes it worse.”
He nods. “I think you’re right. Weirdo.”
I smile and turn and stare out the window.
“Well, now you’re putting your back to me,” he teases lightly.
I flip him the bird over my shoulder. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Roman.”
“What a stupid statement,” he pipes up and I turn back to him. “Cake is supposed to be eaten, is it not?”
I laugh. “I think they mean you can’t keep it there, looking all pretty and perfect, and eat it at the same time. You have to pick one or the other. You’re either eating it or admiring it, but you can’t do both.”
He grunts. “Stupid statement.”
I giggle. “Men.”
“Women!”
We both laugh.
“Did you bring jeans on this camping trip?” he asks. “I don’t want you running around in your underwear—you’ll scare off the wildlife.”
I reach over and punch him in the arm. “If I want to scare off the wildlife, I’ll scare off the wildlife. I’m okay with that. At least they won’t harm me, then.”
“Well, maybe that was my plan.” He wiggles his brows.
“I knew it all along, you’re a serial killer!”
He winks at me. “I was wondering how long it would take you to figure out.”
I press a hand over to my mouth and fake gasp. “How are you going to kill me? Can I at least know before I die?”
“I’m going to tie you up like a star to two trees and leave you naked. Then I’m just going to see what happens. I vote the town people figure it out first and all the men get in there and have a great time with you.”
I roll my eyes. “How original.”
“There will be dicks hitting you from all angles, just—” he puts his hands up quickly and makes out like there is dicks hitting him all over his face “—like that.”
“You’re a pig.” I chuckle. “Seriously.”
He reaches over and shoves me playfully. “Nah, don’t stress, I’m just going to shoot you.”
“Wow, you just get better and better.”
He winks at me.
This should be a fun night.
CHAPTER 25
I shove the stick into the fire place and growl.
Roman laughs behind me. “Not so savvy now are you, beautiful?”
“Shut up,” I grumble, leaning down and trying to light it again. It flickers, but nothing happens.
“I could do it for you if-”
“Do not touch my fire!” I snap, shuffling the sticks around again.
Roman snorts and I turn, glaring at him. He gives me a shit eating grin, and flops down into a chair, cracking a beer. He looks gorgeous tonight, in a black tee and a pair of faded jeans. His hair is freshly cut, and only slightly messy on his head. His eyes are light, happy. It’s the best I’ve ever seen him. “Well, if you won’t let me help, then by all means, I’ll sit back and enjoy the show.”
I mumble under my breath and keep trying to light the fire. It takes me a solid half an hour, but finally a flame lights and holds. I launch up and scream, “Yes!! I knew it!!”
Roman rolls his eyes and hands me a beer. “Get over here.”
“Let me do my victory dance first.”
I put my arms out in front of me, and start wiggling my way around the fire. Roman shakes his head, and when I meet his eyes, they’re soft and lusty.
“Your ass ...” he murmurs. “Fuck.”
I flush and take the beer from his hand, flopping down into my chair. He reaches over, grabbing the leg of it, and dragging it so it’s right next to his.
“Personal bubble, Roman.”
“Shut up.”
Shrugging, I take advantage of the situation and throw my leg up onto his lap. He raises his brows, and looks down at it.
“Feel free to flick it off, but we both know you want it there.”
He huffs.
“What size is your foot anyway? Jesus, I’m fairly certain a seven-year-old boy has bigger feet than you.”
I gasp and look at my feet. “They are not that small.”
“They’re small, like your hands.”
I raise a hand and stare at it. “Well, life would suck if I was a boy then, wouldn’t it?”
He raises his brows. “How so?”
“Haven’t you heard the old secret? If a man has big hands and big feet ...”
Roman rolls his eyes. “Fuck off. That’s a load of shit.”
“It’s not.”
“Is fucking so. Knew a man once, had massive hands and feet, tiniest dick I ever saw.”
I giggle and then raise my brows. “What were you doing looking at his dick, Roman?”
He slaps my thigh and I squeal. His hand instantly goes back and rubs the spot he hit. He keeps rubbing and a spark shoots straight to my core. God damn I want him. I know I shouldn’t, because it’s still probably too soon even though he’s doing really well, but he makes it really hard when he rubs my leg like that.
I feel a shift under my foot, and our eyes dart to each other’s.
“Are you getting a boner?”
He winks. “Your foot is on my lap, I’m rubbing your thigh, what do you think?”
“Oh, my god. Animal.”
I got to pull my foot away, but he jerks it back, keeping it there. He keeps his hand on my leg. I glance out at the view, where the sun is slowly starting to set. “It really is beautiful out here,” I say softly.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Are you sad about selling it?”
He shrugs. “Yes and no. I love it out here, but I don’t have time for it anymore, and I want something closer to where I live now.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“Still, it’ll fucking suck getting rid of it.”
“Yeah, it will.”
His hand inches further up my thigh, and I make no move to stop him. His brown eyes swing to mine, and by the time they connect, my heart is pounding.
“Should we be doing this?” I say softly.
“I hurt you before, but it was never intentional, please believe that. I wasn’t ready, I had to finish it properly. I’m done with it now. I haven’t spoken to her for over six weeks. I feel okay with moving on. I want to move on.”
“Yeah, I believe you, but ... I don’t want to get hurt again.”
“Then we go slow,” he offers.
I stare down at his hand. “Sex is going slow?”
He lifts his hand off straight away. “If you don’t want to, I completely understand. I will not make you feel shit about wanting to wait. It’s your choice, gorgeous.”
But I do want to.
I do.
Do I take the risk again? It is different this time, because he doesn’t speak with her anymore and made the choice on his own to move on. But, the fact of the matter is, there is still lingering hurt there. Will doing this make him feel worse? Will it make me feel worse?
“You’re thinking too much again,” he murmurs. “Stop. It’s over, I mean that. You know I mean that. I want to see what this turns into. I like you. I really fucking adore you, Molly. Can we just go with the flow and see where it goes?”
I stare into his eyes. “Men say that all the time, and all it ever is, is casual. I care about you, I want this, but I’m not just going to be someone’s almost girlfriend, either. I’m worth more than that. We can go slow, but if we go slow, we’re exclusive, still. I don’t want to just be a good time until you feel better.”
He nods. “Not interested in anyone else.”
“And you’re not just doing this for sex?”
He looks a little hurt by that. “Honestly, if that was the case, I would have gone out and just g
otten sex six weeks ago. I haven’t. I have spent all my time with you. Don’t pretend you don’t know that what we have here is real, Molly. We have a true connection, you know it as well as I do, I just don’t want to jump straight back into a full-blown relationship right this second because I think it’ll break us, but it is something I want to take slow and get to that point.”
I exhale. “I know what we have is special, but I’m a little ... guarded after last time.”
“That’s why we go slow. Let’s just hang out, let happen what needs to happen, and if it goes well, we’ll make it official.”
“Okay, Roman,” I say gently. “But please, please, don’t hurt me again.”
He releases my thigh and reaches over, cupping my jaw, turning my face towards his. “You’re the best thing I have. I won’t hurt you again. Please trust that.”
I hold his eyes.
And I do trust that.
Because I trust him.
~*~*~*~
Roman’s hand cups my jaw, his mouth crashes against mine, our bodies move together and God, it feels incredible. So fucking incredible. We’re both covered in a light sheen of sweat, we’re naked, he’s hovering over me, thrusting slowly, fucking me with a perfection I didn’t think was possible.
I hook my leg around his, arching up and taking him deeper. He feels so fucking good. He releases my jaw and my lips, gliding his hands up my arms until he captures my hands above my head with his. He hangs on tightly, one of his big hands curling around both my little ones. His chest presses against mine, his forehead rests against mine, and he keeps up the slow, torturous pace.
“Feels so good,” I whisper. “It feels so good.”
“Yeah,” he rasps. “Fuck.”
I shift my hips, rotating them slightly, and I can feel it building, deep inside me. It starts as a slow burn, radiating from my core slowly outwards until finally it explodes. I gasp his name and his fingers tighten around mine as he picks up the pace, fucking me harder, deeper.
“One more, baby,” he growls. “Come with me.”
I tremble beneath him and my head falls backwards, he fucks me so hard our bodies jerk back and forth, and when I come again, it’s explosive. Unlike any other I’ve felt.
“Roman!” I shriek.