by C. R. Ellis
“Wow, sis, thanks for the vote of confidence,” came Dean’s voice from behind us. We all whipped our heads around in sync, just in time to see Dean, Emmett, and Nate emerge from the woods. Dean’s voice was strained, and it was hard to tell if it was out of annoyance, or the fact that he was lugging enough firewood that I almost asked if he was prepping for the apocalypse.
Jade shrugged. “Hey, I’m just keeping it real here, D. If I didn’t have any confidence, I would’ve said when, not if.”
Dean dropped the wood and leaned over for a kiss before winking at me and turning back to Jade. “When we’re still blissfully happy together, and you’re working on husband number three, I’m going to remind you of this moment,” he promised.
“Very funny,” Jade responded, throwing a stick in Dean’s direction. He caught it and started laughing.
When the first marshmallow was perfectly roasted, Elliot sandwiched it between graham crackers and a layer of chocolate. She turned and handed the finished product to Nathan, who looked like he wanted to inhale it in one swift motion. Silence settled around as we scarfed down s’mores like we hadn’t just eaten enough pizza to feed a small army.
I wasn’t sure what to think of Elliot’s news, but she seemed fine, if her enthusiasm for the chocolaty, gooey goodness in front of her was any indication.
My eyes wandered to Dean, who was studying Nathan with a serious expression on his face, like he was trying to decipher what Nate was thinking. Nathan was gazing up at the stars like he was seeing them for the first time.
Tonight was cloudless and comfortable. I’d expected the air to hold the humid stickiness that was typical of an Austin summer, but it was shockingly almost pleasant instead.
I moved to sit next to Nathan and gently nudged him with my shoulder. “So, what do you think?”
“I think I’ve never seen so many stars,” he said, head still angled up to the sky. He turned to Dean. “Now I know what you were talking about all those times you took me to the planetarium as a kid.”
Dean smiled at him. “See, I told you the stars really are brighter in Texas.”
Nate nodded in agreement. “Lilly really would’ve loved this,” he commented quietly.
Dean swallowed hard and turned his head away, but tried to play it off like he was just angling his head toward the sky to follow Nathan’s gaze. In the split-second I’d seen his face, it held a mixture of anguish and guilt. Seeing his pain so plainly written on his face made my heart constrict in my chest.
Jade watched her brother intently and seemed to contemplate whether to address what was now the elephant sitting around the fire, or to let the awkwardness just grow thicker.
“Yeah, she would’ve,” Dean finally said, though the distant look in his eyes told me he wasn’t really speaking to anyone in particular.
I looked at Jade for support. She shrugged and shifted uncomfortably while Emmett slung his arm around her shoulders. Elliot sat quietly, studying the flames dancing in the pit.
Nathan seemed to realize the awkwardness he’d inadvertently created. “So, I guess I was wrong about Texas. Or, I mean, at least it’s not without its perks,” he clarified, trying to lighten the mood.
“I used to think the same way as you, Nate,” Emmett started with a low laugh that made Jade smile. “I never thought I’d leave Boston. But there’s just something about this place. There’s nowhere else like it, nowhere else I’d rather be,” he said, winking at Jade before plopping her into his lap effortlessly.
After a few seconds of their blatant, unapologetic make-out session, Dean snapped out of it. “Hey, take it to your tent. Preferably before this show escalates past a PG-13 rating.”
Just like that, Dean was back from whatever reverie he’d just been lost in. He turned to me and gave me a seductive smile that sent chills down my arms, even in the ninety-degree heat. I got up and moved back to my spot next to him.
“Really? You’re going to chastise them for a little PDA when you two were too busy bumping uglies to meet us on time?” Nathan asked, thoroughly amused at the horrified looks on our faces.
I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.
“Did you really just use the phrase ‘bumping uglies’? Are you eighteen or eighty?” Dean asked before waving his hand dismissively to end the sex phrases conversation before it began. “Plus, that’s not the same thing.”
I grinned and elbowed him lightly. “Baby, I think you should stop while you’re ahead with this one. The kid’s got a point,” I said, leaning closer.
Nate smirked at Dean with a little too much confidence. His borderline cocky grin distracted him from noticing the incoming marshmallow Dean launched his way. The fluffy mass soared directly at Nate and smacked his forehead. Apparently, this was enough to get Jade and Emmett’s attention because they both joined in on the laughter that spilled over from the rest of us.
Sitting there, beneath the big Texas sky, laughing and spending time with the people that meant more to me than anyone else on the planet, I couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling of complete and utter happiness that seeped into my heart. If camping in the great outdoors with the people you love was the key to feeling this much happiness, I’d have to reconsider my stance against it.
Chapter 28
Dean
The only thing worse than having a past you’d like to forget is having that past collide with your future.
Dean Preston, succumbing to memories
Jasmine fell asleep with her face nestled into the crook of my neck and one leg thrown over mine. I couldn’t fathom how it was a comfortable position for her, but she hadn’t moved, so it must’ve been. My arm was at an awkward angle beneath her, but I didn’t move it. After going without the feeling of Jasmine’s body next to mine for so long, there was no way I’d move her out of my embrace.
I’d spent more nights than I could count trapped within the confines of a squad car, so I’d had plenty of practice learning to deal with being a little uncomfortable. After a while, Jasmine shifted slightly and a rush of feeling replaced the dull tingle in my arm. Thank god. I was crazy about the woman, but that didn’t mean I wanted to lose a limb due to a lack of blood flow.
The next thing I remembered was waking up with a start in the big spoon position with my arm draped casually over Jasmine’s slender waist. I’d been dreaming about Lilly.
It felt wrong to be so intimate and comfortable with the woman I loved while thoughts of the very woman who’d been the root cause for my colossal fuck-up with her traipsed through my subconscious. I needed space to sort through the feelings and memories I’d left firmly in my past, and I didn’t want to wake Jasmine up with my incessant tossing that was sure to follow if I tried going back to sleep.
I crept out of the tent and started walking toward the zip line platform before I even realized where I was going. The platform wasn’t more than ten feet off the ground, even though it had felt like a thousand as a kid. I climbed up using the blocks of wood we’d nailed to the trunk of the tree.
I hadn’t thought or dreamt of the last time I saw Lilly in so long, and I couldn’t understand why it had seeped back into my mind now. I let the bits and pieces of everything I’d tried so hard to forget fall together and consume me.
“You don’t have to do this, Lilly. Nate needs you. Let me help you,” I begged, for what had to be the thousandth time.
She tried to close the door on me, but I stuck my foot between the door and its frame.
She spun around to face me. Her hair looked like she hadn’t showered in days, and she was already dodging my eyes, unable to meet them for more than a split-second. “You’re right, I don’t have to do it. I want to do it. What I don’t want or need is your help, Dean.”
We hadn’t been in an actual relationship for months. I just couldn’t find it in me to cut her out of my life completely like I knew I needed to. I cared too much about Nathan to let his sister go down this path, and I felt like it was my responsibility to bring her
back to life.
Hearing Lilly say that she wanted to spend her time doing any type of drug she could get her hands on (and probably doing whatever or whoever it took to get the drugs) instead of taking care of her little brother sent me into a blind rage.
“So that’s it then? You’d rather fuck random strangers and do whatever drugs they shove your way instead of keeping your family together?” I growled.
“What family?” she cried with a hollow laugh. “My family’s gone.”
I threw a hollow laugh right back in her face. “You know what? I wanted to disagree with you, but I can’t, because as of now, your family is gone. Nathan’s an incredible kid, and it’s a shame that you won’t ever get to see that. I won’t put him through this. He deserves to have a chance at a real life. He’s going to have a chance if it’s the last thing I do.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, but in an instant they were gone when a male voice called out to her from another room.
“I have to go. Goodbye, Dean,” she said, walking off.
“One day you’re going to wake up in some random guy’s bed and wish you’d done things differently. By the time that day comes, though, it’ll be too little, too late. Nate will be happy, and I’ll be the one there to see him grow up. I hope you enjoy rotting in your fucking misery, because that’s all you’ll have, Lilly,” I hissed the words at her with more anger than I’d ever felt before.
I turned and walked out, swearing to God I’d hold true to my word about giving Nathan a better life.
She died three weeks later.
I hated that the last words I ever spoke to the only remaining thread of Nathan’s family were full of hate. After she passed away, I swore to only ever speak positively of Lilly and remind Nate of all the good times they shared. He had enough horrible family memories that I needed to focus his attention on the happy ones.
Forcing myself to only talk about the positive times with Lilly meant the bad memories—the ones that nearly broke me in two—waited around until I fell asleep and then haunted my dreams each night.
Eventually, I saw a therapist, and the nightmares subsided. I’d made a lot of progress by the time things with Jasmine started heating up, and I even let myself believe she was the light at the end of my dark tunnel. When that went down in flames, I wondered if I’d ever want to have another relationship.
I hadn’t had a single nightmare about Lilly since moving back to Austin and having Jasmine back in my life. Which was what made tonight’s dream all the more puzzling. I wanted to believe it was because Nate’s nonchalant words about Lilly had brought her to the forefront of my mind.
Something about tonight’s nightmare didn’t make sense though. I slumped back against the trunk of the tree and tried to will the dream back to me. It was ironic, really. The very memory I’d spent years trying to forget, trying to let go of, was the one thing I desperately needed to come back to me now.
I tried to play it in my mind like a movie, going frame by frame.
Lilly trying to slam the door. Stopping it with my foot. Lilly whipping around to say she didn’t need my help. Her haunting laugh. Telling Lilly that Nate was going to have a better life. Jasmine’s eyes welling up with tears as she asked me why I didn’t save her.
What the fuck?
This time Jasmine had been the one I couldn’t save, not Lilly.
The awareness of what really played out in my subconscious brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried. Lilly’s funeral only made me feel numb, like her death had also killed my ability to feel sorrow. The dream was my subconscious warning me that I’d never be good enough for Jasmine. I’d failed so miserably at saving Lilly; what made me think I’d be enough to save Jasmine if she needed me? All the fears and anxiety I’d felt after last time came flooding back. I thought things could be different now.
I was wrong.
Panic descended upon me like a blanket, wrapping itself around me until I thought I’d suffocate in it.
“Dean?” Jasmine called timidly, gently touching my arm. I turned to face her the instant her hand made contact with my skin. “What’s wrong?”
The sun had not yet risen, but the sky was light enough that she could probably see the tears trailing down my face. She brought her hand from my shoulder to my cheek and brushed them away so tenderly that I felt her sympathy through her touch as much as I heard it in her voice.
I shook my head, not even sure where to start.
Jasmine pulled my hand into hers before bringing it to her lips. “You can tell me, Dean, whatever it is.”
It wasn’t a demand; it was a plea.
Jasmine knew more about my issues with Lilly than anyone else. I’d never felt more at ease discussing Lilly than I did with her. But this was different.
“I couldn’t save you.”
“You had a nightmare?”
“Not a nightmare. The nightmare.” My palms were slick with sweat, and my heart did its best to drum its way out of my chest. How was I supposed to look her in the eye after this, after realizing the level of my inadequacy? Would she even be able to look at me?
She bit her bottom lip, and I could see the questions in her eyes. Instead of asking them, she waited and let me collect myself enough to explain.
After a couple of minutes with her patiently waiting while holding my hand and tracing tiny circles in the space between my thumb and index finger, I took a deep breath and began. “Earlier, when Nate mentioned Lilly’s name, it made me think about the first time I took Nathan to the planetarium. Lilly went too, and it was a wonderful day. He was obsessed with space and planets, and he was in desperate need of a distraction from all the shit going on with his parents. It’s a bittersweet memory because it represents all the fun, happy times we shared together. After she died, my happy memories and dreams went from few and far between to practically nonexistent. I started having a reoccurring nightmare of the last time I spoke to her. It became a haunting reminder of the fact that I’d failed to save her from herself. I hadn’t had that nightmare since coming back here. Since you and I got together. Until tonight. Only, this time it wasn’t Lilly, it was you. I said some awful things to Lilly that night, and this time I was saying them to you. Instead of Lilly ignoring me and walking away, you begged me to save you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
My shoulders shook as I finished explaining my dream to Jasmine. I’d managed to stop the unwanted tears, but I felt the burn in my eyes all the same. Silence hung in the air between us as Jasmine processed my words. I knew it was a lot to take in. I’d be fucking running for the hills right about now if I were in her shoes. But she didn’t move. She just sat beside me, stroking my hand.
She turned to me and pulled my face into her hands. “I’m not her, Dean. I’m not Lilly. And I’m not going anywhere,” she promised, sitting up to brush her soft lips across mine. Her hands left my face to tangle their way into the hair at the base of my skull, twirling it so naturally, like she’d done it a million times.
I wanted to believe her. I wanted, more than anything, for her to be right.
“But what if a day comes when you need me to save you and I can’t? Or don’t? If I’m not enough. I’d never be able to live with myself.”
She considered my question, but not for long. Her reaction was exactly the opposite of what I thought was coming. She crawled into my lap, startling me momentarily, but I quickly adjusted and helped her settle in. She kept her arms around my neck and put one leg on either side of my torso, bringing us face to face. She wore a thin white tank top that perfectly framed her breasts, and I let my eyes linger at the trail leading down between them. Even in the semi-darkness, I knew she could see the focus of my attention. I wasn’t even ashamed of it; given the choice, I’d always choose to drink in the view of this amazing, witty, beautiful girl in my lap—of my girl.
“Dean, you are enough. You’ve always been enough,” she drawled, remaining firmly planted in my lap, gently tilting my head up
to meet her eyes. She flashed me a heart-stopping smile, then dropped her head and nestled her face against the crook of my neck, giving me a whiff of her coconut and pineapple shampoo. I sucked in a breath of the hypnotizing scent, needing it like I needed air to breathe.
“I know we haven’t been together all that long technically, but I know you’d never let anything happen to me.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked tentatively, genuinely wondering how she could be so confident when confidence was the farthest thing from what I felt.
“Because you’ve already saved me once.” She pulled her face back from my neck and let her hands continue twirling through my hair. “After my mom died, when I was drifting aimlessly through life, ready to do anything it took to forget my pain and anger toward her, you were the one that pulled me out of the fire and brought me back to life. I’d been half in love with you since I was ten, and then you were the one that spoke the words I needed to hear when nobody else could. That’s how I know you’re enough.”
Holy shit.
I remembered the conversation she mentioned; I just hadn’t ever realized the impact it had on her.
She took my silence as a sign that I still wasn’t convinced. I sucked in a breath at the same instant that she crushed her body into mine in a hug. She was straddling me, but the hug was pure comfort, not seduction. “You’ve been saving people for a living since you became a cop. Your job title has changed, but you still save people, Dean. You’ve been saving people for as long as I can remember. When we were little and I fell off the the inner tube at the lake a thousand times, you came to my rescue. At that club, you were ready to commit a felony to save me. When Nate needed someone in his corner, you stepped up. As a cop, was it on your shoulders when a paramedic or a doctor lost a victim? No. Lilly made her own decisions, Dean. You did everything you could for her. Let yourself focus on those you’ve saved, not just the one whose loss wasn’t your fault.”