Christmas Lights

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Christmas Lights Page 8

by Tanya Hanson


  “Heston, I just don’t know. Life was more...routine, safer, before I got here.” Lori swallowed so hard it hurt. “I knew what to expect. I knew my limits. My comfort zone.”

  Hurt glazed his eyes. “I…I make you uncomfortable?”

  “Oh, dear no. I promise.” She couldn’t help it. The tears started again and turned cold on her cheeks. She grabbed his hand, then, and held it tight in hopes he’d believe her.

  “Lori, I don’t understand. I might, if you let me.”

  Cate’s advice turned to dust. “It’s not you, Heston.”

  He barked a rough laugh. “Oh, that cliché. And I suppose it’s complicated, too.”

  But his laughter wasn't amusement. She knew him better than that already. Her omission had hurt him.

  She tightened her fingers around his hand, glad he didn’t pull away. “It is complicated, Heston. And yes, it’s not you.”

  Confusion hung on the air “Scott then. You’re not over him.”

  “Scott is part of this, yes, but not the way you think.” She garnered every ounce of courage, for Heston deserved it all. With both hands, she held his face so their gazes had no choice but to meet. “I’m just not in a place where I can trust again. Anybody.”

  “How about trusting God,” he asked, simply.

  She ignored him, soldiered on. “From the moment we met, I’ve been thinking about nobody and nothing else.” There. She’d said it out loud, Admitted it to herself. Watched his eyes glisten, “And if there’s anybody I could fall for, it’d be you. But I just...don’t think I can.”

  A little smile, possibly of relief, twitched across his lips. “You mean you’re just not ready.”

  Her hands tensed against his face before she dropped them. Oh, her fingers burned against his flesh. “A little, for sure. Or even a lot. I just need my privacy. And I...” She lowered her eyelids and allowed herself to relax against him. “But at the same time I know I have to go back to Texas, I don’t want to leave, um, Mountain Cove.”

  Of course she meant him, but the name wouldn’t quite come.

  “Lori, whatever it is you’ve got to figure out, I think I’m worth the wait.” He cupped her face now, held her like she was a treasure he’d never drop.

  She had to look away or melt in his arms, make promises she couldn’t keep. “I…I…”

  “Look at me.” His request gentled around her. And she looked, saw herself reflected in his eyes and smiled against her fear. His answering smile was tender. “Lori, I don’t want to push you into anything. Or rush you. I respect your need for seclusion. And whatever got you there.”

  “Thanks. It’s a personal battle.” She laid a hand over his. “I’ve made progress, but I don’t own it yet.”

  His handsome forehead creased, his carved cheekbones a manly purple in the cold. “As for owning something, well, we all have chapters in our lives we wish we could rewrite. Where we lost our faith. Our reputation. Ourselves.” He gave her a crooked grin. “The writing metaphor not really intended. I sure have a part of my life like that.”

  Not like this, she said inside. But out loud she said, “I know. It’s hard. I trusted the wrong people.”

  “Well then, let me be the right people.”

  “What do you mean?” She narrowed her eyes but his gorgeous image speared her gaze anyway.

  “Well, I find it best to be around those who ‘get me.’ To depend on them. In return, to be there when they need me.” Heston took his hands away and looked away from her gaze. “To ask forgiveness when I need to. To look ahead.”

  Lori forced a smile. “I get that. I do. And I try. But sometimes, the ugly head still rears. Using another metaphor.” She tried for a chuckle and hoped she didn’t sound bitter.

  Like the flit of a butterfly, his fingertips briefly warmed her cheek. “I’m not saying you can entirely forget the thing that hurts. I mean that. I’ve lived it.” His voice tightened as church bells gonged through the air. “It’s just that...the past can help you navigate into the future. We can’t change it, but we can learn from it.”

  All stuff she’d heard before. “I know, but...”

  “In college...” Heston’s voice slowed like he didn’t want to go on but knew he needed to, for his sake. Hers. Theirs. His courage and persistence meant the world; she touched his cheek now.

  “Only if you want to, Heston.”

  That breathless, crooked smile. From inside the church streamed Mary Did You Know? A carol that always got her weeping. She gulped.

  “I do. It’s time.” He held tight to her hand like she night get up and run off. His touch reached her heart. “When I got ready to leave for college, the hugeness of it all started to slap me around. I mean, Sunset Hills population is about five hundred.” He shook his head as if he’d returned to the enormity of everything and found it no smaller. “I’d had what, forty kids in my senior class? I’d barely ever been away from home. And there I was, off to Golden, to a big school. To prepare for a future I didn’t even know a thing about. I was so scared.”

  She snuggled into his shoulder, aware there was no other place she wanted to be, at least for this brief moment. But was his upcoming reveal something she wanted to know?

  And what about her own? “It’s a pretty natural feeling, Heston. UTEP was terrifying.” But I made it out OK. Then...it was after...like I hadn’t learned anything at all.

  How much of it did she dare share? And when?

  “Well, life changed, you know.” His breath turned to white mist in the cold air. Surprisingly warm, his fingers should have been cold. “One of those moments that separate the past from the rest of your life. You know?”

  She did know, knew too well. Relived it far too often. But this was about him. “Yeah, I do.” His jacket beneath her warmed her legs.

  He sighed, long, deep, and she heard—felt—his leftover pain. “It was July, the summer I graduated from high school. Mom baked pies all day for the county fair. Like she’d done forever.” His jaw grew hard, like his teeth clenched. “And that night, she was gone. Fell asleep and never woke up. I...still see Dad, sick over the bathroom sink.” Agony clogged his words. “Paramedics. Everybody walking around like zombies. It was like my eyes were in somebody else’s head. It couldn’t be me. It couldn’t be real. Couldn’t be my mother. But it was.”

  “Heston.” She grasped him close, longed to hold him forever, share his pain. Most of her nightmare she couldn’t recall, and even though she saw it in her imagination, how much worse to relive the real thing. “You don’t have to...”

  His lips brushed the top of her head. “Yeah, I do. If we want to get to know each other. I, I wanted stay around Dad and the ranch, but he insisted life went on.” He stretched his long legs ahead of him, as he’d done at the hearth that night in the study—had that been just two nights ago? But now his feet met a patch of fresh snow.

  “Well, life didn’t just ‘go on.’ For him or me.” Heston’s fingers tightened around hers. “At least, not how I think he meant. Dad went into his dark place, and I went off to college. Like we’d planned when life was normal. But nothing was normal.”

  The loss in his gaze scorched her.

  “There I was alone, not knowing anybody.”

  Lori heard his pain. “Your brothers, Cagney. I mean, there’s email, the phone, video.”

  “No, they didn’t forget me. Not at all. It was a terrible time for everybody. But they were all engaged or married or pregnant. Meaning, they all had found their significant other. They had someone.” Heston shuffled his toes, leaned harder against her. “But Dad had lost his. And me, I’d barely dated. So much real life around me to get used to. All at once.” He slowed. “So...I found comfort in ways I shouldn’t have.”

  She looked away from his tight face, to ease his embarrassment. “Sounds like a lot of college kids, when they find themselves away from home and on their own.”

  “Did weed, partied.”

  “Yeah, I had friends like that. You’ve grown
up fine, Heston. I promise.”

  “It gets worse, Lori. I went to a party. Not my first one.” He shot her a look, blushed. “We’d all just survived our first semester exams. Me, barely. And, well, I mean, I don’t mind having a beer now, but at the time, it was pure and simple underage drinking. A crime in itself. Shames me...”

  She wrapped her hands around his. “Peer pressure is a powerful thing.”

  “There was a girl. I’d had way too much to drink...I couldn’t help myself. It’s no excuse.”

  Cold seeped into Lori’s skin now, his jacket or not. Terror brushed her like she hadn’t felt in years. Heston?

  Her Heston?

  “You didn’t...” She swallowed her whisper, unable to say the word. Rape.

  He nodded, misunderstanding her implication. “Hook up? Yeah, I did. She came on to me, and I gave in. Just a worthless, one-night stand.”

  Despite his shameful confession, relief coursed through her. She squeezed his hand harder. “It’s...”

  “I mean, it was my first time, my only time. And it should have been with my bride. The one I love. Something meaningful, special, after our wedding. And I...” Misery glazed his gaze, his tone. “You can’t imagine—waking up in a strange bed with...”

  Her breath stopped. Yes, she could imagine. Because she had.

  The raw physical pain. The dead thump of her heart. If only it had been a nightmare, but it was all too real. Now a part of her. Forever and ever. Amen.

  Her stomach churned. Her heart, alive and angry now, pounded so hard against her ribs she thought they’d crack. She prayed the misery away. “Heston.” His name strangled her but only because of Kyle. “It’ll...”

  “It happened the night before Christmas break,” he said, dull. As if he’d killed all emotion. Lucky Heston. “Next morning, I had a hangover so bad I prayed for my grave to be dug. At least I learned a lesson. Well, make that a few lessons. Soon as I got home...”

  He hesitated, but she had to know. “What did you do?”

  “I went to my pastor. He’d been such a comfort when Mom died. I knew I could trust and confide in him.”

  Something Lori hadn’t thought to do. “Did he help?”

  Light brightened Heston’s face. “Yep. He’s the Lord’s spokesperson, after all. He took me outside for a walk in the snow. There was a verse he quoted. From the Psalms. Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

  “Pastor Walt reminded me it was Christmas, when God’s love comes to life as one of us. How Jesus had experienced human temptations. The Man in Him struggled against earthly allure, and God gave Him the strength to resist. God would give me the strength I needed. Pastor Walt told me to forgive myself, to know I was forgiven by God. To forgive the girl. And ask her for forgiveness, too.”

  Astonishment pumped in Lori’s veins. “Her? What did she do that needed forgiveness?”

  “I’d sinned against her as well. I mean, I was no innocent by-stander. She might have come on to me, but I could have said no.” His voice gentled.

  “Did you? Talk to her, I mean?”

  “Yeah. And we became friends. A bit awkward friendship.” Heston’s flush deepened. “I needed her to know I’d be responsible, you know. If there was a child.” His jaw tensed again, and then he gave Lori a lopsided, sheepish smile. “I look back and replay that night in my mind. What led up to it, what I should have done different. But in the long run, I managed to find peace. Thanks to the Lord.”

  Lori had replayed the night with Kyle in her mind as well, what she could remember of it. And while her struggles were far from over, for a brief time afterward, she had found a piece of peace, too. Thanks to Scott Martin for one thing. Until...

  “Thanks for sharing this part of your life, Heston. I think we all have secrets. Some of them we keep, though.” Or was this time for her own reveal? She shivered. Let him think she was cold.

  His strong arm slung across her shoulder. “Lori, I know something’s hurting you, deep down. I can’t promise to fix things, but I know there are people—pastors, support groups, mentors, counselors—out there who can help.”

  “I know that. I’ve tried them one and all.” She swallowed, took a deep breath, and looked him in the eye. At once, she realized he deserved her honesty now with his so freely given. “I had a first time, too, Heston. My only time. And it should have been with the one I love, on our wedding night. I did something stupid, too. Trusted the wrong person. Oh, and no, it wasn’t Scott.”

  “Can you talk about it?” As before, his finger drew a gentle line across her cheek. “I’m here.”

  “Yeah, I know. I think I can now.” She snuggled into the curve of his arm. For the first time in a long time, Lori didn’t want to run and hide.

  ****

  Heston brought his other arm around her in a protective circle. She smiled into his eyes.

  “Well, you know I was dating Scott. It was a wonderful summer. My grandparents love him. I felt so at home at Hearts Crossing.” She traced a long finger across his palm, and his skin sizzled even in the cold. “And I think anybody you date, when you’re done with college, you think they could be The One, you know?”

  “Yep, I get that.”

  “Well, one weekend Scott was busy on a wilderness campout with a group of tourists. During my visits, I’d gotten acquainted with some girls in town.” Her smile died, her gaze left his, and she stared at the labyrinth. Eyes flicked as though they were following the curved path of the sacred lines. “One of them had a sorority sister’s engagement party go to go in Boulder, at some fancy hotel. It was a big deal, an open house. She invited us all to come along.”

  On her lap, Lori tied her fingers together in a pink-nailed knot. “I don’t know who the bridal couple was, but I think everybody for a thousand miles was in that ballroom. The din, the noise. Whew.” She shuddered into him. “Anyway, our little group found a quiet hotel lounge away from the party. To grab some quick peace and quiet. A couple of guys came and sat with us, hailed the waitress for a bottle of wine.”

  In her blank glance, Heston figured she was watching her past one more time inside her head.

  “The guys weren’t friends of the bridal couple, so we all introduced each other. Kyle. His name was Kyle. I don’t remember the other one.”

  She paused for a long while, but Heston didn’t prod.

  “After a while, the others went back to the ballroom to dance. I liked the quiet. It was just Kyle and me. He seemed nice. I’d told him I was dating somebody. We sipped wine. It was just friendly, fun. Then I got lightheaded.” Her feet rustled against the snow, like her memories wanted to run away. Heston tightened his arm around her shoulder.

  “I figured it was the noise, not enough AC.” She squeezed his fingers. “I’d only had half my glass of wine, so I didn’t think it could be that. Anyway, Kyle suggested a walk outside so I could get some fresh air. He picked up my wine glass. He—he had his other arm around me because I couldn’t walk straight. That’s all I remember.”

  Heston swallowed hard. What she implying the nightmare he was thinking?

  “Yes.” She read his mind, nodded. “I was careful, but somehow he slipped something in my wine. He’d taken my phone. It was an old, cheap flip phone...didn’t need a pass code. We’d all introduced each other, so he remembered the names of the girls I’d come with. Found their contact numbers. Texted them as me, said Kyle would get me home.”

  Heston’s shoulders tightened in disgust. “All the way to Mountain Cove? And these so-called friends didn’t think it was weird?”

  “I guess not. I mean, the text came from me. What else would they think?” Her fingers left his to jump up and down her lap.

  “But they knew you were dating Scott, right?” he asked, gently taking her hand to settle her.

  “Yeah. But one of them texted back. Said Scott was hot, but this guy was hotter. Said she got it. So Kyle got Scott’s name to use. He sent a text that Scott and I had just had a big fight over the phone. And that I
needed some rebound fun.” Her tone flattened. “Of course Kyle didn’t text about drugging me. Of course, he didn’t text them that.”

  Horror assaulted Heston’s mind, his bloodstream. His imagination. His fingers clenched into a fist around hers. “But your friends knew Scott was camping in the wilderness. How could he call? I don’t get it.”

  “The girls believed my text…Kyle’s text. I don’t blame them.” She shrugged inside his embrace. “That’s all I know. What I’m getting over. I have had help so it doesn’t consume me. All those things you mentioned before. Even Scott.

  “Scott?”

  “Oh, not at first. I hurt him terribly. For years, I never told him the truth. He thought I’d dumped him. I should have trusted him. But the next morning, I didn’t know what to do.” Lori’s chilled fingers turned to ice in Heston’s hand. “Here I am waking up alone in a strange bed at the hotel. Alone. I knew—felt—what had happened.” Her face paled, and Heston ached to place a kiss on her white cheek. But instead, he raised her hand to his chest. “I called my grandparents to come get me. They were sympathetic because they love me, but embarrassed. They sent me back to Texas right away.”

  Shock rolled through Heston’s pulse. “But Kyle...did you call the police?”

  “No. My grandparents wanted it kept quiet. What could I say? I didn’t know any more than his first name.” She shook her head so fast a tear flew onto his face. “Of course looking back, the police would have checked hotel registration. Surveillance cameras. But I was traumatized, and my family, too. Ashamed. Defiled.”

  “Defiled.” For a nanosecond, his lips touched her cheek. Sweet, childish. “That’s an awful word. You were the victim of a bad man.”

  She placed her free hand over his fist. “I don’t like the word victim. I was careful. I was in an open, public place. I saw the waitress uncork the wine bottle. He was that good. So I choose to think of myself as a survivor.”

  “But are you?” Heston wrapped both his hands around hers. “You hide your light under a big rock. You’re terrified of someone else taking advantage of you. You close your heart to...love.”

 

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