Judging a Book By Its Lover

by Lauren Leto

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  Notes from Underground

  A Dostoyevsky novella considered one of the first existentialist literary works. The novella’s narrator, the so-called Underground Man, set the standard for antisocial behavior and antinihilistic sentiments.

  Five words: “Intense pleasures occur in despair.”

  Crime and Punishment

  Dostoyevsky’s most popular work during his lifetime. In this novel a man commits a double murder out of folly and wrestles overpowering feelings of guilt in the aftermath.

  Five words: Guilt ruins best-laid plans.

  The Brothers Karamazov

  Dostoyevsky envisioned this novel as the first part of a series that would be his magnum opus but died months after its publication. In it, a dastardly father is murdered by his illegitimate, disabled son and his legitimate son stands wrongly accused.

  Five words: Bad girls (Grushenka) are hot.

  DETAILS

  Knowing Dostoyevsky’s first name is not important. Knowing how to pronounce his last name is important. Say it like this: Dos (like the “dos” in “Dos Equis”) toy (the dirty kind) EV (the nickname for that Russian guy you slept with) ski (the sport I cannot do).

  Note: Just because Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky are both Russian novelists does not mean that you should put them in the same camp. The fact that both wrote long books with characters named Alexey or Alexei and Sophia or Sofia does not mean they’re spouting the same message. Tolstoy focused on rationalism, whereas Dostoyevsky thought faith was the only path to salvation and sought to prove how rationalism leads to nihilism and thus a populace insensitive to beliefs other than their own.

  Simply put, like The Tell-Tale Heart (a play you saw in tenth grade), Crime and Punishment is about the corrosive power of guilt; after committing murder, a man’s sense of guilt eats away at him psychologically (very bare bones of the plot—try not to talk specifics). No one who is a fan of Dostoyevsky would only read Crime and Punishment. Name-drop The Brothers Karamazov; say that you still read over Zosima’s passages when you want to feel inspired.

  Dostoyevsky was exiled to Siberia by the czar because he’s a badass motherfucker. How badass? Take this story into account. The Russian government sentenced Dostoyevsky to death for being a member of a liberal, intellectual group called the Petrashevsky Circle. Dressed in the outfit of the condemned—a peasant shirt and hood—he was tied to a stake alongside two other men before the squad. Dostoyevsky then heard drums signifying that he and the others were pardoned from death. Instead he was sentenced to hard labor in Siberia for four years. Anyone who can live through that and have any sort of restraint to write novels (the other two men went insane from the trauma) must be a master of Zen.

  Dostoyevsky focused on ethical questions such as the role of free will and God in a man’s life. He wanted people to understand that depravity breeds depravity. Hopelessness will lead to hopelessness. Basically, if you act like an antisocial asshole, you’ll be an antisocial asshole (see Notes from the Underground). This is because Dostoyevsky was against nihilism and rationalism. He wanted to show how thinking divorced from emotions leads to actions divorced from emotions.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read David Sedaris

  BASICS

  Humorous memoirist and essayist who is outshined on NPR only by Ira Glass.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  Naked

  Sedaris’s collection of essays recounting his adventures growing up in Raleigh, North Carolina, and family life under an endearingly jaded matriarch.

  Five words: Relatable anecdotes of adolescent embarrassment.

  Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

  Heartening, hilarious tales of heartbreaking experiences.

  Five words: Must read “Full House,” “Hejira.”

  When You Are Engulfed in Flames

  Revealing preoccupations with death and inspired ideas about love.

  Five words: Quitting smoking and showing qualms.

  DETAILS

  There can be no conversation about David Sedaris without mention of his equally witty sister, Amy Sedaris. You read and loved her parodies of homemaking guides, I Like You and Simpler Times. I Like You is her odd and zany do-it-yourself guide. Your friend actually made Amy Sedaris’s pantyhose-and-beans eye burrito one hungover Sunday! You bought Simpler Times for your mom on her birthday. Most notably perhaps, Amy was the lead actress in Strangers with Candy. Read David Sedaris’s Me Talk Pretty One Day if you want to hear the best stories about Amy.

  Spend at least two minutes fawning over Hugh. Hugh is Sedaris’s boyfriend, who shows up often in his books. Say you fell in love with him during When You Are Engulfed in Flames. I don’t care if you’re a straight guy; you can’t help but love Hugh.

  Mention you always remove books and magazines from sight when you have company since you read this statement of Sedaris’s in the New York Times: “If you leave them on the table, it looks like you set them out on purpose…. It looks so phony.” Ignore the irony of the fact that you found that advice in this book.

  Sedaris has admitted that bits and pieces of his stories might be conflated for humor’s sake. If the person you’re engaged in conversation with brings up the oft-mentioned “realish” (emphasis on the “ish”) nature of his nonfiction memoirs, roll your eyes and say, “At least he’s not James Frey.” Then claim you think there should be a new genre for the type of memoir that Sedaris writes, something like the “might not be real but eat it up anyway because it’s hilarious” memoir.

  At the book signing you attended for Me Talk Pretty One Day Sedaris had a tip jar out on the table. Sedaris is the absolute best person to see while he’s on book tour. If the person you’re talking to doesn’t already know that, inform them. Also mention how he once made smokers move to the front of the line because they have less time to live.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read J. D. Salinger

  BASICS

  You can’t graduate from adolescence to adulthood without reading J. D. Salinger’s angst-ridden prose.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  Nine Stories

  A collection of Salinger’s nine best short stories, many of which originally appeared in The New Yorker.

  Five words: Everyone’s surprised by Seymour’s death.

  The Catcher in the Rye

  The most (in)famous Salinger book. A youth upset at the world—for reasons undefined but generally because he is a youth—runs away to New York City.

  Five words: Holden catches Phoebe, prostitute, phonies.

  Franny and Zooey

  How the Glass family copes with the death of the eldest brother, Seymour.

  Five words: Glasses are tortured; attractive kids.

  DETAILS

  The most important thing to know about J. D. Salinger is that he continued to write up until his death, though none of this late work was published; supposedly he hoarded loads of stories, and they may still emerge in print. However, no evidence of these hidden manuscripts has come forward yet.

  Some theorists say Salinger may have been publishing under pseudonyms. The person you’re talking to might mention Thomas Pynchon as one of the theoretical pseudonyms (this person is outdated in the conspiracy department and wrong).

  As a Salinger fan, The Catcher in the Rye is not your favorite book. The Catcher in the Rye is the favorite book of people who haven’t read anything else by Salinger.

  If you’re trying to impress a girl, say Franny and Zooey is your favorite book (it will make you seem sensitive). Say that you thought Lane was a douchebag.

  If you’re trying to impress a guy, say you love Nine Stories and then say, “‘A Perfect Day for Bananafish’ had such an insane and interesting end to it. It was the first great short story I ever read.” If he heartily agrees with you, crack him up by proclaiming, “I see you’re looking at my feet.”

  For being such a recluse, Salinger was a pretty big player. He famously went to court against ex-girlfriend Joyce
Maynard to prevent her from publishing an autobiography about her relationship with him. He also was rumored to hook up with young girls who had written him fan mail.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read Jack Kerouac

  BASICS

  No person on the Phish tour would feel complete without a banged-up Kerouac paperback in their backpack. As one of the Beats, Kerouac had the coolest friends and they’d often appear in his works. Allen Ginsberg, Timothy Leary, and Ken Kesey were among those immortalized in Kerouac’s books, which were often more truth than fiction.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  On the Road

  Kerouac’s thinly veiled semiautobiographical story of a young guy’s adventures traveling across America.

  Five words: Drugs, cars, trains, girls, drugs.

  The Dharma Bums

  A rambling, thinly veiled semiautobiographical account of Kerouac’s quest to become a true Buddhist.

  Five words: Outdoors, drugs, yab-yum sex, Buddhism.

  Big Sur

  Tale (yes, once again thinly veiled and semiautobiographical) of a popular author trying to sober up in a cabin.

  Five words: A cabin, sex, drugs, drinks.

  DETAILS

  Pronounce Kerouac correctly. CARE (like the bear) o (like the face) ack (like that sound your mom made when you accidentally sent those naked pictures of yourself to her instead of to your significant other).

  Unlike Salinger fans, many true Kerouac fans can legitimately claim his most famous book, On the Road, as their favorite Kerouac book. Big Sur is often a close second. Scrutinize the person you are talking to. On the Road fans are a little less unkempt than those who are Big Sur fanatics. If someone’s favorite Kerouac book is The Dharma Bums, step away slowly.

  A surefire favorite quote from On the Road begins, “The only people for me are the mad ones…” Bonus points if you quote this next one as your favorite: “I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop.” If the person you are talking to quotes that before you, watch out—you’re wrestling with a real member of the literati.

  Kerouac was bipolar and it was, as the myth goes, during a manic episode, reportedly high on Benzedrine, that he wrote all of On the Road. He wrote the entire manuscript on a thirty-one-foot-long scroll. Though it was whittled down extensively by Kerouac’s editor—due to the graphic content of the book—there are editions available based, publishers claim, on the unredacted version of the scroll.

  Talk about how you can’t believe the amount of smoking and drinking that goes on, and if you want an easy out, segue into a conversation about Mad Men and how much that show makes you want to drink old-fashioneds. If you are unable to do so, move on to the points below.

  Early in his twenties, Kerouac became close with many of the people who would become the figureheads of the Beat generation. So close, in fact, that he went to jail with William S. Burroughs when mutual friend Lucien Carr stabbed and murdered a man who was allegedly stalking him and confessed the crime to both men. Burroughs told Carr to turn himself in, while Kerouac took Carr to a movie and helped him dispose of the knife.

  Say On the Road inspired you to take a road trip with friends (bonus points if you say you did it alone). Big Sur inspired you to go camping. The Dharma Bums inspired you to smoke more pot. The Subterraneans is why you started listening to jazz.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read Ayn Rand

  BASICS

  Very possibly Patrick Bateman’s favorite novelist, Rand used her philosophy of objectivism to further her belief that an efficient society is one where people focus on benefiting themselves.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  We the Living

  Semiautobiographical novel that first posited Rand’s anti-communist views.

  Five words: No power to the people.

  The Fountainhead

  Romantic, political novel about the importance of sticking to your ideals.

  Five words: Hot sex scene with ginger.

  Atlas Shrugged

  Atlas was Rand’s magnum opus, her ultimate proclamation against collectivism.

  Five words: Dagny sleeps with powerful men.

  DETAILS

  Let’s start with the basics. Ayn Rand was a woman and a Soviet-born American immigrant. Her first name is pronounced EYE-N. Easy to remember because it comes from the Hebrew word for eye.

  You first read Atlas Shrugged, then The Fountainhead. Amazed by both, you went back and read We the Living and Anthem. Sigh and say, “But nothing compared to reading Atlas Shrugged for the first time. I take note whenever the date is September second.”

  Joke that you felt the last scene in Atlas Shrugged was so black and white that it could have been lifted from a comic book—all the freewheeling businessmen (and Dagny!) versus the evil government suppressors when breaking into the building containing Project F.

  Say you used to play a drinking game based on Anthem when you were in college. The only rule is you can’t say “I.” If you do, you have to drink. Suggest that as a drinking game for the whole party.

  Rand termed the philosophy underlying her books objectivism. Boiled down, Rand didn’t give a fuck about others and didn’t think you should either. Live for yourself. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Rand fans are great lovers. Just don’t date them.

  Fun fact? Rand had a six-foot-tall floral arrangement in the shape of a dollar sign next to her casket. Yeah.

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read Arthur C. Clarke

  BASICS

  Don’t write him off as someone only World of Warcraft fans pick up—Clarke was the first science fiction writer to receive a three-book publishing deal and shares an Oscar with Stanley Kubrick for the script of 2001: A Space Odyssey. His work was both commercially and critically successful and he’s credited with popularizing the idea of the telecommunications innovation geostationary orbit—he was even once nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  2001: A Space Odyssey

  Written alongside the production of Stanley Kubrick’s film version, this doomsday tale of technology freaked out readers with its slow unraveling of a terrifying tale.

  Five words: Hal’s like a shady ex.

  Childhood’s End

  A seemingly peaceful takeover of the world by aliens turns terrifying as they slowly brainwash children into becoming a collective consciousness controlled by their master, the Overmind.

  Five words: Like Independence Day, only eerier.

  Rendezvous with Rama

  The first in a four-part series about the starship Rama, this book describes the ship’s ominous appearance in the solar system and the mission dispatched to explore it.

  Five words: Without characters or plot; horrifying.

  DETAILS

  Don’t mix up Clarke with the other two science fiction authors, Isaac Asimov and Robert Heinlein, who round out the “Big Three.” Heinlein and Clarke had a mostly cordial relationship throughout the years, but Clarke and Asimov had a famously playful yet cutting public relationship. Their glee at insulting each other led them to release a mock document called “The Asimov-Clarke Treaty of Park Avenue” stating that Clarke was a better science fiction writer and Asimov was a better science writer.

  Talk about how surprised you were to learn that Clarke never won a Hugo (the science fiction writer’s equivalent of an Oscar) for 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then quickly correct yourself by positing that it was probably ineligible because Clarke wrote the book at the same time he was writing Stanley Kubrick’s screenplay.

  Clarke presents three “laws” in his works. Do not try to remember all three. Say this: “Because of Clarke, I’ve been able to predict the ending to every Jurassic Park movie and book.” If pressed, say that the scene in Ghostbusters where they cross the streams reminds you of the first law even though Dan Aykroyd wasn’t that old. (The first law is: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost c
ertainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.)

  How to Fake Like You’ve Read Don DeLillo

  BASICS

  Don DeLillo has influenced more than his fair share of budding authors. His most revered work is White Noise, a slim volume compared to his magnum opus Underworld, but still a behemoth fixture in the postmodernist canon.

  ESSENTIALOGRAPHY

  White Noise

  Unlovable characters abound in this slow creep toward destruction.

  Five words: Hitler professor realizes contemporary doom.

  Mao II

  An American in fear of terrorism before Americans knew terrorism.

  Five words: Quote, “Future belongs to crowds.”

  Underworld

  A half century of American social evolution and decay fills this grand, meditative tome—the prologue about a baseball game between the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants is often cited by reasonably athletic yet literary young men as their favorite piece of American fiction.

  Five words: No plot. Eight hundred pages.

  Point Omega

  More of a social tract than a novel, DeLillo makes his anti-war stance known through his main character, a young American filmmaker in Iraq.

  Five words: 24 Hour Psycho; humming anxiety.

  DETAILS

  You can’t bring up DeLillo without mentioning the famous story of the business card emblazoned with the phrase “I don’t want to talk about it,” which he would hand out to reporters when prompted to do just that. Eventually, a reporter caught up to him in Greece. DeLillo agreed to an interview and has acquiesced to more since but remains relatively antisocial. In one interview he responded to questions by asking, “Is it dinnertime yet?”