Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  ‘Please, Mum,’ she said. ‘I want to know what you think.’

  Karen exhaled. ‘Well, first of all let me just say I don’t think a couple has to be married to be happy.’ She paused. ‘But your engagement to Matthew always seemed, well, unenthusiastic, in a way, as if …’ her voice tailed off.

  ‘As if what, Mum?’

  ‘As if …’ she took a deep breath, ‘As if you’re waiting for someone better to come along, love.’

  Ouch! Seriously? I’m still wondering if this is as good as it gets?

  ‘I’m sorry, love, I probably shouldn’t have been so blunt,’ Karen said.

  ‘Honestly,’ Hayley said, ‘I’m glad you were. It’s about time I put things into perspective.’

  After the conversation with her mum, Hayley spent more time looking around the rest of the flat. The living room had two dark green fabric sofas and the cushions looked as if they’d mould themselves around her body if she sat down. The furniture seemed neither upmarket nor low end, but tasteful and ideally suited to the apartment.

  Hayley recognised one of the pictures on the wall as a Stephen Wiltshire, an autistic painter who drew parts of cities and famous buildings from memory. She thought it fitting for them to have one of his pieces.

  As she hunted through a cupboard by the front door, she found two photo albums. The first had OUR MEMORIES written in gold letters on the olive green cover. She opened the album and turned the pages, the opaque protective sheets crinkling under her fingers.

  There were pictures of Alan and Susan’s wedding day. They both glowed and beamed, their happiness practically leaping off the pages. The album contained photos of family Christmases too; Matthew and her with her parents, Jackie, Ray and the boys, and some pictures of Matthew’s parents and family.

  She picked up the second album labelled OUR DECADE OF ADVENTURES. Leafing through the pages, she marvelled at the scuba-diving trip in Corsica, parasailing in Tunisia, deep-sea fishing off the coast of Argentina, zip-lining in Costa Rica and skiing in Switzerland. There were less exotic trips too, including local kite-surfing and archery expeditions.

  Well this isn’t bad at all. It’s exciting. And I bet I’m not an old whinge bag either.

  She looked at herself in the photographs, staring at this unfamiliar, smiling and carefree version of herself; a happy person who wanted to take on new challenges, try new things. She’d felt like that a long time ago, before the endless cycle of home – work – home. Hayley thought about her life with Rick. They used to travel, go on day trips and excursions – but she couldn’t remember the last time they’d had fun. These days she was either at the office or in bed trying to catch up on lost sleep.

  The doorbell rang and Hayley jumped. She walked over to the door and answered via the intercom.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘It’s Susan. Are you ready for class?’

  ‘Class?’

  ‘Yes, kick-boxing. Remember?’

  ‘Kick-boxing?’ A few seconds ago she’d been thinking she never did anything fun anymore. This was her chance. ‘Great. I’ve always wanted to give that a go.’

  ‘Okay.’ Susan laughed. ‘Whatever you say. I’ll wait for you downstairs.’

  Hayley made a mad dash for the wardrobe and pulled on a pair of yoga trousers, a sports bra and a T-shirt. Then she put on a pair of trainers, grabbed her bag and a jacket, and darted downstairs.

  She recognised Susan from the wedding pictures. Her thick blonde curls and sparkling eyes were just the same as in the photos.

  ‘I’ve been looking forward to this,’ Susan said as they drove to the gym. ‘I’ve been sat on my bum all week. Didn’t even have time to go out for a walk.’

  ‘Me too,’ Hayley said. The last time she’d set foot in a gym was more than a decade ago. ‘What’s the instructor like?’

  Susan puffed out her cheeks. ‘A real hard-nosed bitch. We’re all scared of her.’ She pulled into a parking spot and they made their way to the fitness club called Believe. The stationary bikes and treadmills hummed and Hayley could hear the steady clank-clank of weight machines.

  ‘Hi, Hayley. Hi, Susan,’ the girl behind the juice bar said as they walked by. ‘Wish I could join your class today. Maybe next time.’

  Hayley followed Susan to the mirrored studio at the back, which was already crammed full of eager gym goers who greeted them with waves and what appeared to be nervous smiles.

  ‘I’ll hide at the back,’ Hayley said. ‘If I collapse then ignore me.’

  ‘You crack me up,’ Susan said. ‘You’d better start.’

  ‘Start what?’

  ‘The class, silly. Off you go. Work us like you mean it.’

  Hayley stared at her. ‘Hang on. Work you … wait … I’m the instructor?’

  Susan blinked.

  ‘Ha, ha. I mean, I’m the instructor.’

  Oh shitty, shit, shit! I can’t do this. No way. Or can I? What did I say about trying things?

  She made her way to the podium at the front and looked down at the twenty plus pairs of eyes staring back at her. Chickening out was an option. All she had to do was walk away, and a few days ago she probably would have, but she had something to prove, if only to herself. She hit ‘Play’ on the stereo system and started walking on the spot. She swallowed.

  I’ve been remembering all these little bits and pieces. Maybe instinct will kick in.

  ‘Okay people,’ she shouted. ‘This should be fun.’

  The room erupted in ‘whoop-whoops’.

  Sod it! They won’t remember any of this after tomorrow anyway … At least I hope not!

  CHAPTER 31

  1997

  It’s So Easy

  ‘Merry Christmas.’ Matthew sat on her sofa with a pile of gifts on his lap. She stretched and yawned, then hugged him.

  ‘This one first!’ he said eagerly, and pushed a square parcel wrapped in shiny gold paper into her hands.

  ‘It’s a CD,’ she said as she shook it.

  ‘Nope. Well, kind of.’

  She ripped open the present. ‘You got me Tomb Raider II?’ She laughed. ‘You hate video games.’

  ‘Yeah, but you said how much you loved the first one.’ Matthew bounced up and down like a kid after five cans of pop. ‘Now this one.’ He pushed another parcel into her hands.

  Hayley giggled, caught up in his enthusiasm. She held the gift to her nose and breathed in deeply. The distinctive scent of lavender was unmistakable.

  ‘That’s easy,’ she said as she tore into the paper. ‘Body Shop basket. Brilliant.’

  Matthew reached underneath the sofa and pulled out a long, rectangular box. He’d wrapped it in rustic brown paper, tied it with twine and stuck gold-sprayed pinecones on top.

  His eyes twinkled as she slowly unwrapped the present and opened the white box. It contained a delicate silver and sapphire bracelet.

  ‘It’s gorgeous, thank you,’ she whispered, kissing him on the cheek. Then she wondered if he’d be disappointed with the sweater and gloves she’d chosen for him.

  Ellen was right. I’m not going to win the Girlfriend of the Year award with those.

  But once he opened them he hugged and kissed her. ‘This is great. I’m impressed you remembered I needed gloves. I mentioned that ages ago.’

  After breakfast they headed to Hayley’s parents to spend the day with them, Jackie, Ray and their boys. Karen cooked a delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and Hayley and Matthew offered to take care of the huge pile of washing up while the others watched Morecambe and Wise re-runs and drank sherry.

  ‘You like the bracelet?’ Matthew said as he attacked a large saucepan with a Brillo Pad.

  ‘It’s lovely,’ Hayley answered, touching it with a Marigold-clad hand.

  ‘I have something else for you,’ Matthew said with a slow smile.

  ‘Do you? What?’

  He winked at her. ‘Not telling. You’ll have to wait until we’re at your place.’

  ‘Oh … o
kay,’ she said and looked at him, but he refused to meet her eyes until she nudged him with her elbow. ‘Give me a clue.’

  Matthew grinned. ‘Let’s just say I think it’ll look very good on you. But you’ll have to wait and see.’

  Ooh! Did he get me the sexy lingerie I hinted at?

  She pictured herself in the black, silky pair of knickers, bra and suspenders. Perhaps he felt they needed a little bit more oomph in the bedroom too. She still couldn’t quite figure out why they weren’t clicking completely in bed, but she was willing to try almost anything.

  By the time they got back to Hayley’s flat she felt as horny as a teenage boy and looked forward to trying on the potential new underwear. She brushed her teeth and then poured them a glass of wine each hoping it would steam things up a bit and rid them of their inhibitions.

  When she came out of the kitchen, Matthew sat on the sofa and she saw him rub his palms on his trousers twice. She gave him one of the wine glasses. He almost drained it, then put it down on the battered coffee table.

  He took her left hand. ‘Sit down.’

  Hayley sat on the sofa, thinking his nerves were way over the top for a bit of underwear. Unless he’d bought the open crotch variety and didn’t know what she’d say. She wasn’t even sure how she’d react to those. Caught up in her own fantasy, increasingly dirty images went through her head and she started seeing her boyfriend in a different – red and sexy – light.

  Did he read my Cosmo article too? Hey, maybe it’s one of those rabbit vibrators.

  But before she could jump on top of him he got down on one knee and Hayley realised this had nothing to do with any kind of rabbit, real or otherwise.

  ‘Hayley,’ Matthew said, taking her right hand in his. ‘I’ve been thinking about where I’d like our relationship to go.’ He swallowed. ‘We get along well. We enjoy each other’s company. I’m happy with you.’ He stopped again and took a deep breath, then let go of her hands, pulled out a box from his pocket and opened it. It contained a ring; a gold band with a sparkling tulip solitaire. ‘Hayley, I love you. Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

  Hayley covered her mouth with her hand.

  How am I supposed to feel?

  She searched her heart for elation but couldn’t find any. She hunted for butterflies in her stomach, but they were on strike. Wasn’t it supposed to be one of the most memorable occasions in her life? One she’d tell her children – if she ever had any – and grandchildren about.

  What’s wrong with me?

  She thought about how kind and gentle Matthew was, that he’d never hurt her or be unfaithful. They were compatible, had similar interests and rarely disagreed.

  What if I never meet anyone who measures up?

  ‘Yes,’ she answered as her face turned into a grin. ‘Yes, Matthew, I’ll marry you.’

  ‘Oh thank god,’ Matthew said, getting up and putting his arms around her. ‘I thought for a sec you were going to say no.’ He kissed her. ‘I’ll make you very happy,’ he said. ‘I promise.’

  That night they made love and Hayley couldn’t help feeling that sexy underwear and a proposal would have been a better combination.

  Ellen didn’t agree. ‘Oh my god,’ she screeched down the phone the next morning. ‘I can’t believe you’re engaged. Mark says congratulations. Where’s Matthew?’

  ‘At a party with the rowing club guys.’

  ‘Have you set a date yet? Where will you get married? Can I help? I heard about a great place near Notting Hill that’s being restored. You could book something quick before there’s a long waiting list. Will you wear white? Ivory would look great with your skin tone.’

  Hayley listened to her rattling on.

  She’s more enthusiastic about this than I am. Where’s my excitement?

  ‘Slow down, slow down.’ Hayley laughed. ‘He only proposed last night. There’s no rush. We’ll play things by ear and see where they go.’

  ‘Wait, you are happy about this, aren’t you?’

  ‘Of course I am,’ Hayley said immediately in a voice far too high-pitched to fool anyone, especially herself. ‘Absolutely ecstatic.’

  *

  As the weeks went by, Hayley’s discomfort and unease about the engagement started to grow. At first it was more of a nagging feeling, a tiny little voice in her head. She tried not to pay any attention to it, telling herself that it must be nerves, but the voice got so loud, she couldn’t ignore it any longer.

  Sitting at her desk at work, staring out of the window early one afternoon, Tony interrupted her thoughts.

  ‘Hayley,’ he said as he stepped into her office, a frown on his face and his hand rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Please say you have time to look at the Waterman-Dixon merger later on? It’s doing my head in.’

  She didn’t answer.

  ‘Earth to Hayley. Hey, are you okay?’

  ‘Oh, sorry Tony. I was lost in space there for a sec.’

  ‘Dreaming about your upcoming nuptials, were you?’ Tony said with a knowing wink and a grin. ‘Maybe this will make you go all jelly-brained for a while so I can outperform you for a change.’

  Hayley laughed. ‘You’re the best solicitor here and you know it.’

  ‘Yeah, right. So what’s up?’ He put his hands in his pockets. ‘Let me guess. Caterer or venue issues?’

  She shook her head. ‘Neither. We haven’t picked a date. All we’ve decided is that I’ll move in with him at some point because it makes more sense.’

  Tony frowned. ‘How romantic.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Is that’s what bothering you? That you haven’t made any other plans, I mean.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t,’ she said. ‘Actually … what bothers me more is that it doesn’t bother me. I love my flat. I don’t want to leave it.’

  ‘This isn’t about the flat, is it?’

  ‘Yeah, it is, I’m –’

  ‘Having doubts.’ Tony walked to the door and closed it. ‘Do you want to talk about it? Perhaps a bloke’s perspective will help?’

  Hayley looked at Tony. Maybe he could help with her conflicting emotions that were difficult, slippery little bastards that kept changing her mind about how she felt.

  ‘What was it like when you asked Angela to marry you?’ she asked, tapping her notepad with her pen.

  Tony smiled and pushed his new glasses up his nose, apparently still not quite used to them. ‘She cried a lot and I felt like the luckiest bloke in the world after she managed to say yes,’ he said, sitting down in the chair across from Hayley’s desk.

  ‘And you still feel that way?’

  ‘Absolutely. Don’t know what I’d do without her. I’d do anything for her. Anything.’ He paused. ‘It sounds corny, but she’s made my life complete, you know? Don’t repeat that or everyone will think I’m going soft.’ He laughed.

  Hayley put a hand under her chin, leaning on her desk and considered his answer for a few seconds. ‘How did you know she was The One?’

  He sat back and put his hands behind his head, seemingly pondering his response, then shrugged. ‘When you know, you know.’ He touched his stomach. ‘Right here. In your gut. Don’t get me wrong, we have our arguments, and she’s almost always right.’ He paused. ‘Always, actually, but don’t tell her that either.’ He laughed. ‘I love her to bits.’

  ‘You’re just a big softie, aren’t you?’ Hayley smiled.

  ‘Am not,’ he said with a grin.

  ‘So did you ever have any doubts?’

  He shook his head and put his hands in his pockets. ‘Not even for a second. Well, maybe the usual cold feet on our wedding day. You know, the classic oh-shit-I’ll-never-be-a-bachelor-again reaction, but that only lasted a few seconds. As soon as I saw her enter the church I knew. It felt … right. Like … coming home.’ He chuckled. ‘God, listen to me. I really am a big softie, it’s embarrassing.’

  ‘Well I think it’s adorable.’

  ‘It’s all those rom-coms An
gela makes me watch, I swear. Blame Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts.’

  Hayley grabbed a handful of paperclips and chucked them at him. ‘Do you think she ever had any doubts?’

  Tony grimaced and leaned forwards. ‘Shit, I hope not. It’s too late now anyway.’ He grinned. ‘She knows I’d make a divorce very complicated.’

  They both laughed.

  ‘So … what would you have done, hypothetically, if … if you’d known before the wedding that she had doubts?’ Hayley said.

  He frowned again and rubbed his chin. ‘I wouldn’t have wanted her to marry me unless she was absolutely sure. I saw my parents go through a shitty divorce. What a waste of two lives until they admitted defeat. Went on for years.’

  ‘There’s no excitement, Tony,’ she said very quietly. ‘Matthew’s a great guy but … You met him at the Christmas party, what did you think?’

  ‘You want my honest opinion?’ Tony asked.

  ‘Yes, absolutely.’

  ‘I … I didn’t think you made a good couple.’ He waved a hand. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s a really nice guy and easy to get along with, but watching you together … I didn’t think you were that suited, like there’s something missing.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Hayley said quietly. ‘It should be great but it isn’t.’

  ‘Actually Angela said you were so polite to each other it was almost formal. When you announced your engagement after Christmas we were quite surprised.’ He held up both hands this time, his palms facing her. ‘I hope I haven’t offended you but you’re like a sister to me. I don’t want you to make the wrong decision, you know?’

  She shook her head. ‘I should be happier, shouldn’t I? I went out with men that treated me badly –’

  ‘Enter Ian Graham, shit-head extraordinaire.’

  Hayley grimaced. ‘Right. And now this one is nice and I’m not happy either. What’s wrong with me?’ She sighed. ‘Tony, what if this is as good as it gets?’