by Sally Henson
I hold her tight and shake my head. The coloring in her cheeks pales, and I flip us over, so she doesn’t think she’s trapped.
“Tell me what you're thinking,” I say.
She sighs, props an arm on my chest, and rests her head in her hand. “So much has happened since August. We've only been like this for three months.”
She's right, but it’s been more like years for me.
“But two more years of high school?” She says. “It feels like a lifetime. I don't know how I'm going to make it, Lane. My dad. Lincoln. Stupid gossip.” She sighs again. “Things aren’t the same without you at school. The gang, they don't get what I'm going through. Not even Tobi.” She drops her gaze. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s selfish.”
Strands of hair fall across her face, and I push them behind her ear. “You're not selfish.”
Last year, we went on a mission trip to Chicago. It was a place where girls rescued from sex-trafficking could go to heal and learn how to live again. We were only there to help with building projects and stuff like that, but Regan spent time with a couple of the girls staying there. She gave up all of her clothes except what she was wearing to them. She never tells anyone, but I know she sends stuff to them every month. She’s not selfish.
“I think maybe you're the only person who really gets me. And it seems like every week something happens that makes me realize it even more.” She gazes through the woods behind me.
My muscles relax, except for my chest which swells with hope for what she might be trying to say.
Regan’s body softens against mine. “I don't want to be without you either.”
Those words, coming out of her mouth, is a giant step for her—for us. I slide my fingers across her cheeks and gently bring her mouth to mine.
Regan talks with our lips connected, “I’m still going to graduate college with a marine science degree.”
Mr. Stone ’s words harden in my gut. He even reminded me of our agreement this morning before Regan came outside. His voice rings in my head, pushing me to say something right now.
“I can’t wait for us to walk Eastern’s campus every day. We can hang out all the time like we used to.” I plant another kiss on her. “And no parents.” Another kiss. “Or curfew.”
Regan leans away from me, her eyebrows knitting together. “I’m not going to Eastern.”
I pull her closer, keeping one arm secure around her waist. “Things change. Look at me. I’m not really into being a game warden anymore.”
She pushes off my chest, but I won’t let go.
She huffs, “Eastern doesn’t have a marine science program.”
“Okay, okay,” I soothe and smooth her ruffled feathers. I don’t want to push too hard. “I’m just saying you never know. Besides,”—I flip our positions and trace the outline of her face with my finger—“we have so much fun when you visit me on campus. Think about if we were there all the time.”
The scowl stays in its place.
“Oh.” I roll on my back and look up at the clear light blue sky. “Maybe it’s only me.”
What am I doing? I squeeze my eyelids shut. The words her dad shoved down my throat are starting to come back up. I might as well turn over and slither home on my belly like the monster I am.
Regan lets out a loud breath. Leaves rustle, and just as I think she’s leaving, her warm hand slides across my chest. “You know I love hanging out on campus with you. Of course, I had fun.”
The thought of looking her in the eyes, knowing I’m deliberately trying to plant doubt in her head, is making me nauseous. I keep my eyes shut a few seconds longer and try my best to shut out the promise I made to her dad.
Regan turns away from me. And I know I’ve hit my mark.
I want her to come to Eastern with me, but I don’t want to destroy what we have in the process. There’s only one thing that might make us both forget what I’ve done, get lost in each other again.
33
Rean
Lane’s held my hand in front of everyone at church today. Especially Paul Frak. I didn't try to stop him or hide it either. Lane’s my boyfriend and I’m not ashamed of that. I wouldn't survive what’s going on at home without him.
His parents stayed longer than usual after dinner. Lane loves his family, likes hanging out with them, and I love that about him. But he’s been quiet this evening. I’m not sure what to make of it because he’s missing his laid-back easy smile.
This weekend, yesterday in the woods, has made me feel like I could fly. Even though it’s later than he usually leaves to go back to Eastern, my thoughts run rampant with all the reasons why he might not think our time together was as awesome as I did.
We amble hand in hand to his truck in the darkness. My chest tightens with every step. I need to know. “You’ve been so quiet. What’s wrong?”
We stop at the truck, and he leans his back against the driver’s door, tugging me so that my feet are between his. “I don’t want to go back to school tonight.”
Relief rolls down my back, and I shudder.
Lane places my hand over his heart. “Can you feel it? How fast my heart beats when I'm about to kiss you?”
I nod, grinning because he doesn’t want to leave—grinning because my heart is fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings too. “You're about to kiss me?”
He chuckles and covers my hand with his.
The pounding in my chest increases knowing this weekend was magic, and I’m about to fly again.
His dimples show, and he pulls me close, removing any space between us until our lips meet. We slow dance to the tempo of a great American country song. It plays in our hearts on repeat. Lane’s mouth curves into a smile against my lips.
He pulls away, and I realized we haven’t moved. Our feet are planted exactly where they were before he kissed me.
“Maybe you should think about graduating early.” He glances to the ground and then zeroes in on me. “I can’t seem to get enough of you and me.” The security light reveals how dazed his eyes are. It reminds me of the night I gave him his guitar and he said he was hooked on me. He whispers, “Do you feel it? The same way?”
I want to tell him yes, but I’m not sure one word can really express how I feel. It's an unbelievable, powerful, and scary feeling.
“Everything…you’re…we’re…more than I ever expected it to be.” My words are so clumsy. I don’t know how to say what’s inside.
Lane softens against me, burying his face in my hair. “Not sure I could handle it if you didn’t feel the same way. I’m going to miss you this week.”
His spicy cologne smells so good. “Me too.”
“Soon,” he groans and kisses my neck. “We’ll have a couple of weeks together when Christmas break gets here.
His warm lips scatter tingles across my skin and I am seriously putty right now.
“I have to go,” he groans, and blows out a breath. The tickle of his breath has the same effect as his kiss.
Ugh, I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be here alone. I want to kiss him until we’re breathless. Over and over again. “I know.”
He starts to pull away, and I whisper, “Thanks for making this weekend better than good.” He cracks a smile. I look intensely through his translucent blue eyes, into his heart, and try to convey everything I can't find the words to say. “Me and you to the tenth power.”
He leans his forehead against mine and then lets out a breathy chuckle. “You’re such a geek.” Our lips meet for one last short kiss.
This Sunday ends the same as every other since he’s gone to college—me watching his taillights disappear as he leaves me. Gloom washes over me as he disappears into the night, and I drag myself in the house.
After my teeth are brushed, I head to my room and let the quiet tears fall as I pray I can handle my parents and my friends this week, and that Lane stays safe.
My mind runs through the amazing weekend as I lay in bed. Right before I’m about to fall asleep,
a question pops in my mind: was Lane really serious about the things he said about me going to Eastern?
34
Regan
Cam bites into his gargantuan sandwich, packs the food against his cheek so that he looks like a lopsided chipmunk, and says, “I’ve decided to take up reading. There hasn’t been a good movie out for at least a month.” That double-decker has got to be four inches thick, stacked with two chicken patties, tomato, lettuce, cheese, onion, pickles, and who knows what else is piled on it.
Haylee does her usual flirty shy giggle when it comes to Cameron. Yes, the flirty shy giggle is a thing. At least it is for her.
I’m only slightly jealous that her guy is here for her to flirt with. I raise my eyebrows revealing my doubt of Cam giving up his movies.
He licks the mustard off of his lip and continues with his mouth full. “I need another form of entertainment.”
“You mean besides kissing Haylee between video games?” I tease, smirking across the table at him.
Haylee frowns and pokes at her food. An uneasy quiver flits in my stomach. Is she offended by my comment? Things seemed better with her this morning in class.
I look sideways at Tobi’s reaction.
She has her elbow resting on the lunch table, cupping her cheek. A weary smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. “I didn’t know you could read, Cam,” she deadpans.
Cam tosses a fry at Tobi, and it bounces off her forehead. He chuckles and retorts, “Better than you,” and then proceeds to pick up the fry and shove it in his mouth.
“You guys didn’t see that new spy movie?” I ask.
Lane told me they asked him to go to the movies Saturday night, but he wanted to hang out with me instead. I still feel left out though. The three of them hang out on the weekends and do fun stupid things like I used to do with them. Now, I’m forgotten when it comes to the weekends. No, I can’t go with them, but being left out makes me feel like the outsider.
I hate being grounded.
“We did. It was terrible.” Haylee purses her lips, wiping her fingers on her napkin. “The book was so much better. I’m trying to get Cam to read it.” She sighs dreamily. “It had such a good book boyfriend. I would’ve made up dangerous situations, too, just so that prince would reward me with sweet whispers and kisses all the time.”
Cam smirks and wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m looking forward to my first book girlfriend.”
Haylee straightens in her seat, lifting her chin. “You’re just jealous.”
Cam chuckles and is about to make another crack, but Tobi chimes in first. “Yeah, I asked Lane if he wanted to go with us, but he said he was hanging out at his girlfriend’s.” Tobi rolls her eyes, saying “girlfriend” as if Lane’s cheating on her with me.
Her tone makes the quiver in my stomach knot. Lane and I were best friends before Tobi was in the picture, so I’m not sure where she’s coming from.
Am I the only one who noticed the ice in Tobi’s comment? I look at Cam.
He hitches a shoulder, shrugging it off as no big deal, and continues eating.
Haylee’s expression tightens. She and Tobi share a look.
Their secret pricks against my back. This isn’t supposed to happen with us. “Why are you looking at each other like that?”
Tobi leans away from the table. “Like how?”
I know what I saw. Stacey shares those looks all the time with her friends. They’ve been talking about me behind my back. “Did I do something wrong?”
Tobi waves her hands in a big circle, saying, “We all know you would never do anything wrong, Regan. But it would be nice if you’d let Lane hang out with his friends sometime. Just because you guys are dating or whatever doesn’t mean he should dump us.”
“He hasn’t dumped you. Didn’t he go to the birthday party?” I drop my hands into my lap and tug my shirt sleeves over my fingers. “I’d never ask him to dump you guys like that.”
“Ladies, we had fun at the party. It’s not that big of a deal he left before you wanted him to.” Cam speaks up for me. He changes his voice to sound like a girl. “Sisters before misters, y’all.”
As lousy as I feel, it makes me snicker.
He snaps his fingers in a circle. It’s a terrible impression of … I’m not sure who he’s trying to act like, other than a girl, but it’s goofy and funny and breaks the tension.
Haylee giggles.
Tobi sighs. “Okay, okay.” She glances at me, and her light eyes seem gray from the ice coming off her. “Sorry, Rey. I’m just on edge. We miss him." She glances at me again. Only this time, her eyes soften, and it takes some pressure off me. “And I’m a little tired lately.”
I’ve tried giving Tobi moral support, but it’s not enough. “It’s okay. I wish there were something I could do. Dad’s being a real jerk about it.”
The girls share the same look again.
Haylee usually has a level head about everything, but she’s right in the middle of violating rule number one, maybe even rule number two—no gossiping and no backstabbing. I never thought this would happen to us.
The atmosphere at the table is an explosive cocktail ready to ignite with one wrong word. I need to shift the conversation to something that will lighten the mood. “What’s Rex been up to?”
“He has a farm to manage, too.” Her back straightens, lifting her chin with it. “I see him about as much as I see Lane.”
Haylee huffs out a scoff. Her eyes connect with mine for a second before she stands and walks toward the trash can to dump her food.
All I did was ask about Rex. It’s not like I’m barking insults at them. My chest tightens along with my stomach. I don’t know what’s going on, but I need my friends, especially with Lane gone.
Maybe I should try a different subject. “How’s your dad today?”
“Oh, he’s just great! You know, still in the hospital barking orders at me from his death bed.” A fake smile spreads across her lips before she stands and follows Haylee.
The pressure multiplies tenfold. I guess those were the wrong words to say. My eyes meet Cameron’s. He works his jaw to the side, but he doesn’t look at me with annoyance like the other two had.
I whisper, “Did I say something wrong?”
He shakes his head, gripping his empty tray, and says, “Don’t worry about it.”
Cam lumbers away, leaving me by myself at the table. My eyes track him as he returns his tray and meets the girls at the doorway. The bell rings. Haylee looks back over her shoulder at me as she and Tobi walk out of the lunchroom.
What just happened?
Tobi and Haylee, maybe even Cameron, think I’m a jerk. Guilt rolls through me even though I have no clue what I’m supposed to be guilty of.
I lift my tray and follow the cream-colored floor tiles to the kitchen window. The mob of zombies file out the doors to their next class with me in their midst.
Drab, gray lockers line the hallway, absorbing the warmth from my body on my way to class. By the time I make it to Chemistry, I realize how fast this day is being sucked into the toilet. Not only that, we have some kind of project in class today, which means I have to spend the whole period with my partner Stacey “I live to make Regan’s life miserable” Faniger.
Stacey’s perched on the metal stool at our lab table with her dark, wavy hair tucked behind her ear. I drag myself to the seat next to her and sit down, angling away from her toward the front of the classroom.
“How are you feeling?” Stacey’s voice is kind and gentle.
Something's up, but I’m not taking the bait. I ignore her.
She taps me on the shoulder and whispers, “If you need to dash to the bathroom, I’ll cover for you.”
The bell rings. I turn to her with my brow pinched together. What is she getting at?
Stacey wears her evil grin as she pats me on the shoulder. “Not everyone gets sick. I’m sure your cousin can fill you in on all the details.”
Just when I thought the day couldn’
t get any worse, Stacey reveals the next piece of gossip she’s going to vomit about me.
35
Regan
The tub fills with hot water as I climb in and plug in the ear buds to the iPod Tobi gave me. I remind myself that she is my friend. She’s having a rough time, too, right now. That’s why she’s been a bear.
I haven’t tried the alternative rock folder Tobi set up yet, but I need something that isn’t going to be sappy or remind me of Lane or make me think of drama with my supposed friends. After safely setting the device on the edge of the tub, I flip the lever down with my foot to shut the water off. Lavender fills my nostrils from the bubbles and bath bomb, and I sink down until my shoulders are covered and leave my world for a while.
Before I’m ready to be disturbed, Dad pounds on the door, telling me I’ve been in here long enough. I ignore him and run more hot water to heat the cooling bath.
The pounding returns more demanding than the last time. “Regan,” Dad grumbles through the door. “Come on out. I have something to tell you.”
I pull the earbuds. So much for forgetting my life. I speed through my bath, dry off, and get dressed. The brush rips through my tangled hair in a rush as I consider maybe Lane called me and I get to call him back. I bet he wants to tell me all about playing last night.
When I pad down the hallway, I can smell what I think is meatloaf cooking in the oven, causing my stomach to growl. The table is cleared off, and Mom’s at the stove.
Dad sees me peer around the corner and gestures to a spot on the sofa next to a stack of papers. “Sit down.”
The papers look more like pamphlets. Lake Land Community College stretches across the top of one, and my lungs deflate. I wish I’d gone to my room instead of getting my hopes up this was about Lane. What would Dad do if I turned and walked away? Probably make me come back in anyway. I force myself to do what Dad wants.
Dad says, “Have I ever mentioned my work offers college education to certain positions?”