by Sally Henson
“I'm still your best friend, Regan.” His voice cracks. “You're still mine.” He sounds sincere, but that's what I've thought the past few months.
“We should’ve never broken the rules of friendship. It's too late to go back.”
“I don't want to go back. I want to keep going forward, with you.”
He waits for me to say something, but I can’t.
“Regan, our relationship has always been more than hormones. You know that. Always.”
Heartache rips me to shreds, and I don’t know how much more I can take. “What happened to the boy who couldn’t live without me?” It comes out in a painful whisper.
His voice softens, “I’m right here. I haven’t left and I’m not going anywhere without you.”
I can’t respond with this pain crushing my chest.
“Regan?”
Darkness fills my heart. It keeps me from answering.
“Damn it, Regan. This is crazy talk.”
I close my eyes and wish I could rewind to when we were kids, but I can’t. I need to tell him once before he goes on with his life. “You belong on stage, Lane. I know you’re going to do great things. I’ll always love you.”
“You’ll always love me? That’s it?” he barks. “After all these years and all we’ve been through the past few months to be together, you’re just giving up?” Bitterness and shock weave through his sharp words.
If we were both at college together, maybe I could be the only girl. Maybe I would be enough.
But I’m not at college.
I’m not even going to college.
I’m not enough.
Lane groans. “I’ve been fighting for us, and you’re going to end it all because of some stupid pictures of some stupid girls?”
He makes it sound as if I’m the one who’s being the jerk. As if I’m the one on stage singing with half-naked guys hanging all over me.
“Fine!” he snaps, and the airwaves go silent.
We’re over, and I have nothing left.
It’s what I wanted, right?
I drop the phone on the floor and cling to my middle like a butterfly bandage, keeping me from falling apart as I lay curled into a ball. Nothingness surrounds me, and I wonder how I can survive for two more years or one year or even another day.
50
Regan
The door of the school building slams shut. It does so every time someone goes in or out. I don't worry about anyone seeing me; I'm hidden by the building and the puke bushes. My new home.
The door slams again, and seniors, Aubrey and Ally pad down the steps toward the parking lot. Ally’s catty voice screeches, “I don’t know why Regan thinks she’s better than everyone.”
I would’ve thought my skin would be tough enough to handle it after the week I’ve had, but it’s not. Words destroy me.
Aubrey adds, “Tobi put her in her place.”
“Yeah, she did.” Ally snickers.
“What does Lane see in her? She’s not even that pretty and he could have any girl he wanted.” Aubrey put the final nails in my coffin.
It’s great everyone thinks so much of me.
Aubrey grabs something out of her car and they head back.
I put my head down, pretending I don’t exist. The school door thuds again. There is way too much traffic out here today.
“Hey, Cameron,” Ally sings.
What’s Cam doing out here?
“You coming to the party after the game Friday? You can hang out with us.” Aubrey flirts with him. She flirts with everyone.
“Uh, maybe,” he answers.
“See ya later.” The girls giggle and go inside.
I wait for the roar of Cam’s truck, but the only sound is my heart pounding in my ears. It’s still amped up from Aubrey and Ally’s sharp words. They were hanging around the doors a little too long.
“Miss Braun,” Cam’s voice greets. I peer through the bushes to see the interaction.
“Thank you, Cameron.”
“Regan?” Miss Braun calls to me.
My body cringes. I’ve been hiding here for a reason. I don’t want to be found. I tilt my head to see her. Cam follows her line of sight, which is me.
I sigh, because I don’t want to deal with her or Cam.
Cameron’s big blue eyes widen when he sees me. He’s frozen in place, holding the door open, staring at me with his jaw hanging open as if I’m an alien.
The pounding in my ears morphs into a headache. I should have stayed home today. I watch Miss Braun’s saddle-colored ballet flats move across the cold ground until they come to a stop in front of me.
“Come with me, please, Regan.” Her voice is pleasant, but I don’t think I have a choice. She waits for me to get up.
I stand, hunched over and tired. All I do is sleep when I’m home. How can I always be so tired? Maybe I’m tired with life.
Miss Braun heads back to the door.
I glance at Cam before my eyes glaze over and I follow Miss Braun to her office.
It wouldn't take much to shatter me right now.
“Have a seat,” she commands, shutting the door behind us.
I sit down and distract myself with the squeak of her shoes on the tiled floor as she crosses the room to her chair.
My eyes lock on the grain of her wooden desk, trying to brace myself for what she's about to say.
She doesn't say anything.
There’s never this much silence at school. Right now is too quiet.
“Am I in trouble?” I ask, squeezing my eyes shut.
She doesn't answer, so I look at her again. A tear escapes, and I snap my eyes to hers. She doesn't look away like the other teachers do. Miss Braun looks at me right square in the eyes and doesn't flinch.
“I don't know, Regan. Are you in trouble?”
My gaze drops to the wood grain again.
Time passes.
“Are you pregnant?”
“No.” Stupid gossip town. Now I’m stuck with it. For the rest of my miserable life.
“Are you sick?”
I shake my head.
“Did someone hurt you?”
The people who are supposed to be my best friends humiliated and alienated me. Lane ruined our friendship, cheated, and lied to me…
And miserable me still misses him and his stupid kisses. Ugh, I wish I didn’t.
I shake my head.
“Did someone touch you in inappropriately?”
“No.” I'm getting annoyed at her twenty-questions.
“Did you get in trouble for skipping out with Lane at the field trip to EIU?”
My eyes narrow in on her. How did she even know about that? Oh, of course, everyone seems to know about that. It’s caused me a lot of trouble at school and at home.
“Regan, I want to help you. Every one of your teachers have come to me, worried. You don't do your work. You leave your tests blank on your desk. Are you trying to fail?”
I shrug and focus on the Columbia blue speckles in the white tiled floor. Why try? School doesn’t matter anymore.
“You need the best grades to get the big scholarships, Regan. Why aren’t you turning in your work?”
I’m tired of listening to her dribble. “What's the point?'
“You know exactly what the point is.”
I slouch in my seat and squeak out, “Yeah, well. That's not my future. It was just a dream.” That is the second time I've said that out loud. Does that make it real now?
“Regan, I don't know where this is coming from, but you’re a smart girl. It’s very possible for—”
I’m getting sick of everyone pushing me in every direction only to find out it all means nothing, and I’m dropped like a disease.
“Look, my dad won’t let me go into marine science. I think he wants me to work at the factory like him. That’s it. There’s nothing more to say.” I stand up and end this meeting. “It looks like I won’t need to be concerned about college or scholarships. That’s not my f
uture.” I walk out of her office and straight to the bathroom to hide out until school’s over. Again.
51
Lane
Cam: You up?
Me: Yeah.
The past two days I’ve gone for a run, worked out, went to class, done my homework, played my guitar, read anything and everything I can think of to make me so dog tired I’ll crash as soon as I hit the pillow.
But I can’t sleep. Not much anyway.
Cam: Stacey showed me the pics. Dude, what were you thinking?
I didn’t bother telling Cam about the deal with Marco or not having Regan anymore. Part of me thinks, I’m in college, in a band, and this drama is high school stuff. The other part didn’t want to listen to Cam’s crap.
Me: What?
Cam: Pics. Videos. Brea Adams? Regan gave you shit about her for weeks. Maybe months. Remember?
Me: It was just a gig. Some fraternity-sorority thing. Girls were required to do it.
It was stupid. I shouldn’t have agreed to it, but I did.
Cam: What happened to your protecting the girls BS?
Me: The pics meant nothing.
Cam: Regan’s going through some bad stuff with Haylee and Tobi. You pushed her over the edge. Did you even tell her about the girls?
Me: No.
Cam: She found out from Stacey?
Me: I guess.
Cam: You’re so dumb.
Me: She broke up with me. So…
Cam: You’re an idiot.
Me: I didn’t do anything wrong.
Cam: Playing in the spotlight with a bunch of girls in teeny tiny bikinis rubbing their bodies all over you is fine if you’re single!
Cam: You’re not single.
Ugh, I am now, and I don’t like it.
Cam: Brea Adams!
Me: It’s not like I was enjoying it.
Cam: Dude, I’m a dude.
Me: It’s part of being in the band.
Cam: Hmm. Wonder what you’d do if Regan was at a party surrounded by guys without shirts on trying to hook up with her? Just sayin.
Cam: Wait, you broke up?
Me: Yeah