‘He would if I made him, if I forced him into the arms of someone else. And I have, Sara, I’ve driven him away from me.’ Hazel stood up to stare sightlessly out of the window. ‘And you know how, don’t you?’ she said chokingly. ‘I should think the whole household knows what’s going on.’
‘Well, I—’
Hazel gave a choked laugh. ‘Don’t bother to deny it, Sara. Rafe’s temper has been foul the last few days and he would hardly be like that if everything were fine between us.’
‘Everyone has to adapt to marriage, it doesn’t become happy overnight.’
‘Perhaps not,’ Hazel agreed, realising she had perhaps said too much, was probably embarrassing the poor woman. ‘I have to go to the study to help Rafe with the mail, perhaps you could see that these things are taken up to my bedroom. I don’t have the time right now.’
‘Wouldn’t you like your cards put out down here? I could—’
‘No, thank you,’ she refused abruptly.
Hazel dressed with extra care that night, anxious that Rafe should be proud of the way she looked. Her gown was buttercup-yellow in colour, the chiffon floating like a cloud down to her ankles. The colour did wonders for her tan and made her hair look like spun gold.
Rafe came into the room just as she was putting the finishing touches to her lip-gloss. His eyes darkened as he looked at her. ‘You look beautiful,’ he told her huskily.
Her brown eyes glowed. ‘Do I, Rafe? Do I really?’ She so much wanted his approval.
‘You know you do.’ He still looked at her, his eyes brooding.
‘But I want you to think so,’ she said throatily, moving to stand in front of him, her face raised invitingly. ‘I want you to like how I look.’
‘Why?’ He ignored her parted lips. ‘So that you can say no to me again?’
‘No, I—’
‘Because I can save you the bother,’ he put her firmly away from him. ‘The only thing I’m interested in at the moment is having a shower and getting ready for dinner. You’ve made it perfectly obvious what you want from this marriage, and I want you to know that’s just fine with me.’
‘Oh, Rafe, don’t—’
‘Wait for me here, Hazel,’ he said coldly. ‘We’ll go down and greet our guests together.’
Within five minutes he was back in the room, shedding his bathrobe and donning his brown shirt and cream suit with no sign that her presence in the room embarrassed him in the slightest.
‘By the way,’ he tucked his shirt into the waistband of his suit trousers, ‘I had a telephone call from Celia today.’
Hazel’s eyebrows rose in surprise. ‘You did?’
He gave a sardonic smile. ‘Mm, I think she must have run out of money.’
It was the sort of remark she would have made herself and she had no answer to it.
‘I’ve never been blind to Celia and her mercenary mind,’ Rafe told her dryly. ‘She apologised to both of us.’
‘Oh.’
His smile deepened. ‘I know that was only lip service. Given the same circumstances she would say it all again.’
‘Where’s she living?’ asked Hazel.
‘She’s renting an apartment in London. I think that sort of life will suit her better than living here.’ They could hear the sound of the doorbell echoing through the house. ‘That will be the first of our guests.’ He shrugged into his jacket.
‘The first of them? How many people are coming to dinner tonight?’
‘Only a dozen or so.’
‘A dozen …?’
‘Don’t start panicking,’ he ordered sternly, taking her elbow and leading her out of the room. ‘You know them all.’
‘I do?’
‘Mm. Now smile, I don’t want everyone to think our look of lack of sleep is due to anything but the first passion of marriage.’ His mouth twisted bitterly. ‘Never mind that we both know it’s frustration.’
‘Rafe—’
‘Not now, Hazel. Smile for our guests,’ he repeated.
Hazel fixed a smile on her face before he opened the lounge door, the smile turning to one of genuine pleasure as she saw Trisha and her parents waiting for them. Mark Logan was standing slightly behind Trisha, looking as if he weren’t quite sure of his welcome.
‘Why didn’t you tell me it was Trisha and her parents coming to dinner?’ she asked Rafe softly.
‘Because I wanted you to think I’d forgotten your birthday, I wanted you to feel some of the uncertainty you’re putting me through. There’s still more people to arrive, but this is by way of being your birthday party.’
‘Oh, Rafe!’ Tears swam in her eyes.
‘Go and greet your guests, Hazel,’ he ordered harshly. ‘They’re expecting it.’
The evening passed in a glow of pleasure for her, the only complaint she had being that she didn’t see enough of Rafe. He was far too busy acting the gracious host to her friends, giving no one the opportunity to see their tension with each other.
He gave her a gaily wrapped parcel after dinner, which she opened to reveal a thick gold bracelet. It gave her the chance to kiss him without his flinching away, although she couldn’t prevent him moving away directly afterwards.
She felt tired but happy at the end of the evening, their guests having left, all the excitement over. She looked up in surprise as the telephone rang. ‘Who on earth can that be this time of night?’
Rafe shrugged. ‘I’ll get it.’
As soon as she heard the name Janine Hazel’s body stiffened. Why was that woman calling here this time of night? Did she have no shame? Rafe had been in the house all day, so he couldn’t possibly have seen the other woman all day today; she probably wanted to know why this was.
Hazel didn’t wait around to hear Rafe arrange to meet his mistress; her plans to tell him she wanted to change the state of their marriage had crumbled into the dust. She left the house in numbed silence and made her way down the rocky path to the cabin. She couldn’t bear to lie beside Rafe in that bed tonight, knowing that tomorrow he would be going to his mistress.
She slipped once on the rocky path and the heel of her shoe snapped off. She swore angrily beneath her breath, hobbling the rest of the way. The night was balmy and by the time she reached the cabin she was hot and sticky, the gown sticking to her back.
She didn’t hesitate but threw off her clothes before entering the water, the shocking coolness of it refreshing and invigorating. She hadn’t bathed nude before and was surprised at just how good it felt.
The moon was bright and she could see for miles, see the way Savage House dominated these cliffs, the same way Rafe dominated her. As if thinking about him had brought him to her she saw him swimming towards her with strong powerful strokes. Oh God, what was she going to do now!
Her first instinct was to swim in the other direction, but that only led out to sea. She would have to stay here and face him—and below the shelter of this clear blue water she was absolutely naked.
He had reached her within seconds. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ he ground out angrily.
‘I would have thought it was obvious,’ she replied defiantly.
‘You know damn well what I mean,’ he snapped. ‘Coming down here was a mad thing to do, but to swim alone is just downright insane!’
‘I’m fine out here. I—’
‘No, you are not, damn you! Swim back to the shore, I want to talk to you.’
‘I—er— No, no, we can talk here.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ he rasped. ‘If you’re worried about your lack of clothing, don’t be. I’m as naked as you are.’
‘You are?’ she squeaked. ‘I mean, are you?’ she asked in a more controlled voice.
‘I am. Now swim back to shore, it’s about time we had a little chat about this marriage of ours,’ he added grimly.
Hazel felt her heart sink. He wanted to end things between them, wanted to bring to an end this marriage that had brought them nothing but unhappiness.
He turned his back on her. ‘Let’s go to the cabin,’ he suggested shortly. ‘That way you can put some clothes on.’
Hazel got under the sheet while he pulled on his trousers, their only lighting a candle in the corner of the room. If Rafe had come here to tell her their marriage was over she didn’t think she could take it.
‘You came down those steps again,’ he attacked her fiercely. ‘I’ve told you time and time again that it’s dangerous, but you never listen to me. I expected to find you lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the cliff when I stumbled over your heel.’
‘Disappointed?’ she taunted.
He took a ragged breath. ‘I don’t believe I’ve ever given you reason to think I wanted you hurt.’
‘The last few days—’
‘I think I can be excused those,’ he dismissed impatiently. ‘I’ve felt murderous towards everyone the last few days, not just you.’
‘Including Janine Clarke?’ she couldn’t resist this dig.
His blue eyes narrowed. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means, have you felt murderous towards your mistress too?’
He looked astounded. ‘My what?’
‘Don’t play games with me, Rafe. I know you’ve been visiting her.’
‘And how do you know that?’
‘Because you come to our bed smelling of that delicate perfume she always wears!’ she declared. ‘And then you expect me to respond to you!’
‘Wait a minute,’ he stopped her. ‘Are you telling me that you think I’ve been sleeping with Janine and then coming home to you with the same intention?’
‘Yes!’
‘God, what sort of animal do you take me for?’
She looked confused. ‘I—I don’t—’
‘Don’t think me an animal?’ he confronted her. ‘What do you think me then, a sexual athlete? I may think Janine attractive, but I have definitely never been to bed with her. Do you think I would have been in this mood of the last few days if I had?’
‘But I—you—’ she began.
‘I want you! You know damn well I do. You’ve already made it clear you intend to drive me insane with wanting you, so why think I have another woman? Believe me, if I could find any sort of relief by taking another woman I would, but you’re in my blood and have been for the last three years.’
‘The last three years …?’
He nodded, his eyes filled with pain. ‘I let you go once and when you came back this time I knew I couldn’t do it again. I haven’t touched another woman since you went away, and now that I’m married to you I can’t have you either,’ he said bleakly.
‘You could take me now, there would be no one to stop you,’ she told him softly.
‘Oh yes, there would, there would be a pair of accusing brown eyes. Yours.’
‘Rafe, do you love me?’ She had the wonderful feeling that he did.
‘You really want me on my knees, don’t you?’ he said bitterly.
‘No. I—’
‘And I would be,’ he moaned, ‘if I thought it would make you love me, if I thought for one moment it would make you feel a tenth of what I feel for you. But I would just be wasting my time.’
‘Do you love me?’ she persisted.
‘Oh God, yes,’ he groaned. ‘Yes, I love you! I’ve loved you since you were fifteen years old.’
Hazel’s eyes were wide. ‘Since I was fifteen?’
‘Yes,’ he said savagely. ‘And since that time I’ve been suffering the agonies of hell. I’ve had to watch you grow up, had to watch the way you flirted with other men, the way you teased and tempted them. And I’ve been tempted and teased a hundred times more than any of them.’
‘But you sent me away after—after—’
His eyes flared with feeling. ‘Of course I did! I was already thirty-six at that time, twice your age, and I should have had more control.’ He sighed. ‘But I didn’t have—I took you, revelled in you, and made my hell a living, breathing thing. You were innocent and yet you responded to me so enchantingly, and if anything my love for you deepened. It was because of that I had to send you away.’
‘But—but why?’
‘Because I had no right to your youth. I’d already taken the most precious gift you had to give a man, I couldn’t take anything else away from you.’
‘Rafe, it was because my virginity was the most precious thing I had to give that I gave it to you,’ she told him gently.
‘It was?’ He looked uncertain.
‘You’ve been the sun, moon and stars to me for so long now that I was sure you must have known I loved you,’ she told him. ‘It wasn’t until the next day that I realised not one word of love had passed your lips. We’d been lovers, but as far as I knew it meant nothing to you. I felt like dying at the time.’
Rafe took a step towards her and then stopped. ‘And now,’ he breathed huskily, ‘how do you feel now?’
Her answer was to stand up and go towards him, her eyes never leaving his flushed face. She kissed him slowly on his lips, all the time aware of what her nakedness was doing to him. ‘Right now I want you to make love to me,’ she murmured against his lips. ‘And it will be making love, Rafe, as it was three years ago, for both of us.’
His hands trembled as he touched her. ‘You won’t turn away from me after a few kisses? I don’t think I could stop myself this time.’
‘I’ll never turn away from you again. I love you, Rafe, and from now on I want to share everything with you.’
His eyes darkened. ‘Everything?’
‘Everything,’ she said throatily.
‘Oh, Hazel,’ he groaned against her throat. ‘Love me, love me!’ He swung her up into his arms, both of them lying down on the bed. ‘I’ll never let you go again. Never, Hazel!’
‘I’ll never allow you to let me go again. Hush, Rafe,’ she put her fingers over his lips as he went to speak again. ‘We’ll talk later.’
‘Later …’ His mouth parted hers, his hands caressing.
* * *
She lay replete in his arms, her head resting on his bare shoulder. Their lovemaking had been everything she remembered and more, Rafe crying out his love for her even while he gave her pleasure insurmountable.
‘Rafe, why did you tell Celia about that night we spent together here?’ It was something that had been troubling her, especially as Rafe had now told her he loved her all the time. To talk to someone else of their night together didn’t seem the action of a man in love.
He frowned down at her. ‘But I didn’t. I thought you had.’
She laughed. ‘Celia and I were never that close that I would divulge my innermost secrets to her.’
‘Then if I didn’t and you didn’t, how did—? I think I can guess. After my accident I was delirious for a while, and you were weighing heavily on my mind. Celia was with me a lot during that time and I could have told her then. I know damn well I never consciously told her.’
Hazel laughed her relief. ‘I really thought you’d told her. She said—’
‘Yes?’ he prompted sharply.
‘She said you had,’ she admitted reluctantly.
Rafe took a deep breath. ‘I think it’s as well that Celia has moved away.’
‘If you loved me before I went away why were you so cold to me when I came back?’
He put up a rueful hand to his scars. ‘Because of these, because I’m what Celia said I was, scarred and crippled.’
‘You’re not,’ she said fiercely. ‘The scars don’t matter to me. You said they hurt you every day of your life, Rafe—are they that painful?’
‘No,’ he held her to him. ‘They hurt me because I thought they kept you away from me.’
‘Never! And you can have your hip operated on if you want to.’ She licked her lips. �
��I think you should have that operation.’
‘Why?’
‘Because the doctor said you should, and because you should if you want to play with the children. They’ll want to play football and tennis, things like that.’
His eyes widened. ‘What children?’
‘Oh, we’re going to have children, Rafe.’ She smiled. ‘You’ll never know how much I wished I was having your baby three years ago.’
His arms tightened. ‘I would have welcomed it—that way I could have married you. I was glad when Sara found us in my room together. I wanted you very badly, but I couldn’t take you again without marriage, much as the temptation was that you put my way. But you didn’t seem to care for me, except to feel desire too, and I didn’t know what to do. When you told me so glibly that you could be pregnant by Josh Richardson I felt like wringing your neck. The thought of any other man knowing you as intimately as I have put me through agony. So when the chance came for me to marry you I took it with both hands.’
‘Do you believe me when I say there have been no other men, that you’re the only one for me?’
‘If you say it’s so. But if you felt like this about me why didn’t you—’ Rafe broke off.
‘Why didn’t I what?’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he dismissed. ‘I have you now, that’s all that matters.’
‘Please, Rafe, tell me,’ she begged.
‘You didn’t come to me when I had my accident,’ his voice shook and she knew how badly it still hurt him. ‘When you didn’t come I wanted to die. I thought I would die, and when I lived I despised you and the level you’d reduced me to.’
So now she knew why he had wanted to die, why he had had no fight. She smoothed the bitterness away from his face. ‘I didn’t come to you because I didn’t know you were ill,’ she told him. ‘Nothing would have kept me away if I’d known.’
‘But you—’
She shook her head. ‘I didn’t know, Rafe, please believe that. You believed Celia had written to me, but she hadn’t. She admitted to me last Sunday that she hadn’t written because she didn’t think I had a right to know.’
He gave a harsh laugh. ‘Didn’t think you had the right! She knew I loved you, that I wanted you beside me, and she denied me the peace of mind she knew you could give me.’
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