“You, come ‘ere.” I didn’t wait for her answer, just turned and left the way I came. No one said anything but I knew they were all thinking plenty, nosy fucks. She followed behind me without uttering a sound, which was just as well because if she said the wrong thing right now with the mood I’m in I might snap.
I held the door open for her when we reached my place where I had sat my daughter on the floor surrounded by cushions until I got back. “Feed her and then get the fuck out.” I didn’t even look at her when I walked over to the baby and picked her up from the floor.
Her poor little face looked pitiful with tears and I promised myself that my kid was not gonna have too many reasons to cry in the future.
This one looked like she wanted to argue but one good glare soon had her getting her act together. She took the baby out of my arms and the only reason I let her was because I couldn’t feed her my damn self. My plan was to keep her as far away from my kid as possible, just like she’d done to me. “Where the fuck are you going?” I’m trying not to curse in front of my little princess but these fuckers around here aren’t making that shit easy. “I’m taking her into the bedroom to feed her.”
“No, you can do it right here where I can see you. Like I’d trust your ass out of my sight with my kid.” She got huffy and headed for the couch but who gave a fuck? I stood over her while she took her breast out and the baby latched on like she’d been starved.
My body reacted and pissed me the fuck off, which only made me want to be more of a dick to her. “How long before she doesn’t need you for that anymore? Isn’t she too old for that?” I did the math and my kid had to be fifteen months old give or take. “What was she eating when you were gone?”
“I expressed milk for her, that’s why I kept telling you I had to leave, and no she’s not too old. Mama breast fed me until I was two so I planned to do the same.” Another nine months think again. Nine months, my mind went off the rails for a hot minute before I reined it back in.
“What do you mean, what’s that express shit, is that good for her?” I didn’t know shit about babies. She went on to explain about breast pumps and temperatures and my eye started to twitch so I held up my hand for quiet while my baby girl made gurgling sounds like she’d been on a ten mile run and was finally getting some fluids. “Fine.” She looked dejected and I knew she had a shitload on her mind that she wanted to say to me, but I was seriously contemplating knocking her head off her shoulders no joke.
Zakira wound down and the nipple popped out of her mouth and right into my view, making my dick do the one eyed salute. Fuck him; I’d rub one out before I go near her ass again.
“You can leave now.” There was no intonation in my voice; the shit was dead, just like my feelings for her.
“I can’t, what if she gets hungry again later? She usually has one more feeding in the middle of the night.” She looked almost hopeful, like she thought shit was gonna be that easy.
“Do that express shit you mentioned earlier.”
“I don’t have the stuff.” Uh-huh.
“Write a list.” Everything she came at me with I had an answer for. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to go to the twenty-four hour Wal-Mart and take care of my kid at the same time, but I’ll figure it out. I should send her ass, but I couldn’t see sending my kid’s mother out in danger, no matter how pissed she’d made me.
We didn’t know if we were being watched or not, and I was sure the secret passage was still good since we’d blindfolded the assholes when we released them earlier so I’d use that. The only problem was what to do with little Zak until I got back because I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna risk taking her out there.
I took her out of the incubator’s hand and did that burping shit I’d seen people do after feeding a baby. “You can’t keep me away from my daughter Zak, we’ve been apart for too long already, she needs…”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re gonna tell me what my kid needs when you kept her away from me all this time?
You had my kid out in the fucking world and I didn’t even know she existed. I move across the globe, putting my life in danger to make the world a better place for other people’s kids, and never knew that I had one of my own to safeguard, to protect. You can get the fuck outta my face now before this shit gets ugly.” I didn’t care about her slumped shoulders or the tears that were gathering in her eyes. She fucking gutted me. Only someone who had no fucking regard for me could’ve done something like this to me; fuck her.
How was it possible to hate and want someone at the same time? This whole thing was so confusing. I hadn’t really had time to take it all in yet, to put things in their right perspective. All I knew right now is that I was a dad. I had a little life that was a part of me to take care of for the rest of my life.
That was going to be my main focus from here on out and everything and everyone else will just have to take a backseat. What the fuck I was gonna do with these feelings was another issue altogether. They’d only just been reawakened. I’d opened myself up to this shit, forgetting that she’d fucked with my insides once before, fucking female.
I inhaled my baby’s innocent scent from her hair and felt some of my anger melt away. I’d forgotten to get the list from her incubator but that was okay, that’s why we had the Internet. I held baby Zak on my lap while I booted up and surfed the web looking for what I needed to take care of her. I did some searches on single dads of newborns and toddlers and shit just to get some pointers and didn’t feel too bad by the end of it.
There was a lot of shit that needed doing, but I didn’t let the enormity of the situation get to me, I’m a SEAL for fuck sake, I can do this. I’ll just pretend her mother no longer existed, tell myself I had to do it all myself, and go from there.
The baby babbled away at me and tried getting into shit on my desk. I sat in wonder, as she climbed all over me. I’d made her; she was mine. How fucking cool was that?
Even more than the anger I felt towards her mother, the love I felt for this little being was overwhelming. It didn’t even matter that I’d only just met her for the first time a few short hours ago, the love was instantaneous and real. Life had a whole new meaning. Now it was more important than ever that we take care of whatever was going on in our backyard. My kid as well as the others that were on the way weren’t gonna grow up in anything but peaceful surroundings. I’d fought for that shit for strangers; I could do no less for my own.
***
I thought long and hard about how to get the shit I needed and was hit by inspiration. Serve his ass right, kill two birds with one stone. It took some doing because I didn’t want anyone else knowing what I was up to, but I got what I needed. She didn’t even ask any questions, just said okay and see you in a few.
“See, daddy took care of everything.” She was drooping and I found that I didn’t want her to go to sleep just yet, I wanted her to stay up and grin at her old man and babble away some more.
I sat on the couch with the weight of her on my chest and fell more deeply in love. In less than a day she’d turned my whole world upside down and moved everything else out of the way. The road ahead might not be easy, but with the books I’d ordered and my brothers there to pitch in, I had no doubt I’d get it. All I had to do was survive the teen years and it was a go. Shit, that was a long fucking time away. What was life going to be like in the intervening years? Would I fuck up and turn her into a heartless bitch like her mother? Damn Zak, you’re gonna have to get ahold of this anger.
She reacted to my mood and fussed a little, until I soothed her with a hand rubbing up and down her back as I hummed to her. I let my thoughts go and just enjoyed the feel of her and the newness of fatherhood. I dozed off myself and came awake with a start when I heard the others heading back. The fuck did they want now?
Chapter 10
ZAK
She was out cold poor little mite, and I put her on a comforter on the floor and surrounded her with cushions and shit the way
I’d seen on the net. For the first time since I first held her I breathed a little easy. She was so tiny and helpless and so fucking perfect. I rubbed my heart where a pain had started. Please don’t let me fuck this up. I said the quick silent prayer before heading to the kitchen where the others were filing through the door. “Shh, keep it down, baby Zak’s asleep.”
“You’re not planning on calling her that are you?” Cord shook his head as he headed to the fridge for beer. Ty went into the other room to look in on her like he didn’t trust me to know what I was doing. “She can’t sleep there, I think her mom has stuff for her that her grandma brought earlier.”
“I don’t want any of that shit in my house.” I could tell by all the eye rolling and muttering going around that they didn’t agree with me but whatever. If it were any one of them, Vanessa’s lying ass would already be buried out back somewhere and we’d be coming up with a cover story.
Cord passed around the beers and I weighed the odds against how long she might stay down and how much one beer might impair me. When I caught them looking at me like they knew exactly what I was doing and found the shit funny, I gave them all the finger and took a sip.
“What do you fucks want now?” It didn’t escape my notice that they were standing in formation like they were expecting some shit to jump off. “If you’ll remember, you kicked us out when we were in the middle of a discussion.” Lo quirked his brow at me.
I knew it was burning his ass that I’d done that, we weren’t in the habit of dealing with each other like that, but shit was different this time. My little girl was involved and no one was taking her from me.
“There’s really nothing to discuss and each of you know it, every last one of you would do the same. Lo, Con, you’re about to become dads, tell me you would do this shit different.” They relaxed a little, but there was still an underlying tension. Ty was rolling his eyes like he was being put upon. “The fuck’s wrong with you now?” He looked at his watch, back into the room where the baby was sleeping peacefully and then back at me. “Nothing, when’s she getting up? I got something to show her.”
This… “Ty she’s not on the clock, she’s a baby you ass. Kids wake up when they’re good and ready; and you’re not waking her up.”
Fucker was hopping from foot to foot like he was antsy about some shit. I turned back to the others. “Look I appreciate that this is a fucked up situation all around, but it wasn’t my doing. Nothing I said to her back then could make her believe that this shit was okay, this was her fucking way of getting back at me.”
Did she really hate me this fucking much? The fuck I care. Oh you care. Shut…the fuck…up.
“Is it, are you sure about that brother? Do you remember where we were two days after you two split? We went off the grid for four and a half months.” Logan had a point but still, there were a million ways she could’ve got word to me, especially afterwards when we’d been back on domestic soil.
“I don’t buy that shit, she had ample time, two fucking years and she doesn’t say a word. That’s part of me in there, the best fucking part and I wouldn’t have known about her if you hadn’t called that…”
“Hey!” They all got in my damn face.
“Fine, had you not needed that she devil’s help I wouldn’t know I have a daughter. I don’t care what any of you say, she was fucking wrong and I never did anything to her to deserve this shit. My fucking kid spent a whole fucking year on this earth without me there to look out for her.” Each time I thought of it I wanted to wring her fucking neck ‘til it popped the fuck off. So much could’ve happened to my little Zakira. The thought left me cold.
“Zak we agree, and we’ve told her so, but the fact remains we can’t leave this shit like this indefinitely. We’re dealing with who knows the fuck what from the outside. We can’t have dissension among each other in here. Nessa can be a big help to us on this…” I’d like to punt her ass over the wall for being fuck stupid.
“She can do whatever the fuck she wants, just make sure she stays out of my sight and far the fuck away from me.” I didn’t let his long drawn out sigh or the shaking head deter me. I’d fight every last one of these fuckers if it came to that.
“She’s her mother Zak, you know how women are about these things. The situation is already strained as it is, I’m just saying that you need to keep a cool head and be rational.”
“She’s a mother, I’m a father; her rights do not outweigh mine I don’t give a fuck what the world says. She had a year or more with her all to herself, let her deal with this shit now.” We all heard the buzzer go off and switched gears. “Who the fuck?” Logan checked the monitor on his watch.
Someone was at the gate and from Lo’s reaction when he checked I had a pretty good idea who it was. I’d all but forgotten the little surprise I’d organized for Ty, and though I wasn’t in the mood for a good laugh at his expense any longer, I wouldn’t mind a little light entertainment. Or something to take the focus off my ass for ten minutes. I checked on my baby and then followed the rest of them outside. Victoria Lynn pulled in and hopped down from the truck that was a mile too wide for her. She must’ve been a sight, sitting behind the wheel of that tank. She started offloading baby stuff as Cord and Dev who were closest moved forward to help.
“The fuck…what did you do bro?” fucker was already sweating.
“Nothing, I needed baby clothes, you told me to get baby clothes.” No he didn’t but he was so twisted he won’t remember who did what. She made a point not to look at him or acknowledge him in anyway, and just to fuck with him I picked her up in a bear hug. I looked at him over her head and he looked like he was gonna take me out barehanded. If I were three I would’ve poked my tongue out at him.
I put her down again and it was very telling the way she looked at him as she fixed her clothes before moving away from me. I hid my grin behind my hand and pretended not to notice shit just like everyone else was.
“Hi guys so we have a baby on board huh, where is she?” She lugged bags into the house while the rest of us followed with the heavy stuff. “What do I owe you Vicki Lynn?” She passed me the receipt and I fished out my wallet and counted off some bills to cover everything plus a little extra for her time. “Oh no Zak that’s too much.” She tried giving it back to me but I wouldn’t take it. When she tried to force it into my hand Ty almost lost his shit. “He said he didn’t want it.” His eyes were glued to the spot where her hand touched mine. She sniffed at him and turned away.
At this point everyone had seemingly forgotten all about my drama for the moment and was totally focused on these two. She looked in on the baby and cooed and this ass got a pained look on his face. He could talk all the shit he wanted to, his eyes never left her. I walked over next to him and nudged him. “What’re you waiting for brother?” I pointed my chin at her as she bustled around looking into the bags she’d just brought.
“Fuck bro I…” He broke off whatever it was he was going to say, and I felt almost bad for setting him up when he closed his eyes as if in pain. It’s funny, but as pissed as I was at Vanessa, I wish to fuck that my brother, that all my brothers could feel at least once, that deep abiding love I’d once had for her. Then again if it was all gonna turn out like this maybe they were better off. He pulled himself together and just shook his head and took a swig of his now warm beer.
I heard the women coming and moved in front of the door. Gaby, Dani and even Susie looked like they wanted to kick my ass. “What do you lot want?” My brothers might try to kick my ass for being less than polite to their women, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with their brand of fuckery.
“We’re here to see the baby, in case you’ve forgotten, we never did get a chance to say hello.” Gaby seems to be the designated mouthpiece. Good luck with that.
“She’s asleep, come back tomorrow and leave that one somewhere.” I pointed at Vanessa before slamming the door in their faces. I don’t give a fuck; let their men deal with their meddling asses.
/>
“Fuck bro, you do not want to start a war with these women are you fuck stupid?” Lo looked like somebody had gut punched his ass. I’m beginning to think Ty was right about him and Con; they were almost unrecognizable.
“Damn, the pussy whipped battalion is at it again. I got your back Zak; don’t listen to them. These women need to learn their place.”
“Oh do tell Mr. Hotshot, and just where is that?” If this fucker runs from her I’ll never let him live it down, and that looked like just what he was about to do.
Instead of tucking tail and hightailing it out of there though, he gave her a look that said plenty. There was enough heat behind that shit to roast a whole cornfield. I felt almost like a voyeur witnessing the shit.
“Damn bro tone that shit down, there’re other people here.”
I looked at the others to see if they’d seen it as well and they had. Poor Vicki Lynn was trying to figure out what the fuck had hit her, but she regrouped fast enough.
“He is so gone.” I whispered that shit to Quinn out the side of my mouth.
“Didn’t really believe it until just now. You think he knows?” why the fuck were we whispering?
“Yeah, but that fucker’s gonna fight it tooth and nail.” There was a lot of throat clearing after that and I was hoping the rest of them would get the hell out and go deal with their women, but no such luck, they wanted to talk. Vicki Lynn made a joke that she should spend the night so she could look after Zakira and I thought Ty would have a conniption.
“That’s okay Vicki Lynn, I think you should stay with Dani and I for tonight.” Everyone looked at Ty to see if that was acceptable and his shoulders relaxed a little even though he looked like he was chewing on nails.
She soon left thank fuck before he became postal, and they started their shit with me again. Thank fuck the baby woke up again and they got distracted. “I know we have to deal with shit, but I’d like to take some time to get to know my daughter. I’ll do my part around here of course, that goes without saying, but what say we table any heavy conversations about me and the…me and her mother for another time.”
ZAK SEAL Team Seven Book 3 Page 8