The shock and pain was rapidly replaced with an anger that burned whiter than snow.
“WHAT. THE. FUCK,” he roared, reaching for Nick and slamming a fist into his face.
Nick Frost had no idea what hit him. He fell like a sack of potatoes, clutching his face before his head thwacking on the wood floor knocked him out.
I felt every thud of my heart as his eyes returned to me. Brilliantly blue betrayal burning inside of them. “How could you?”
I blinked and he was gone.
Numbly, I made sure that Frost was still breathing as the small crowd now gathered around him thinking that he’d passed out on his own. I slipped out the door, knowing that Chance was halfway gone by now. With fingers that felt like they’d been numbed from cold (even though it was in the seventies outside), I called Tammy and asked if she could come get me.
That night, I cried at her house as though my tears would be stored to make snowflakes in the winter. I cried because I’d given everything I had to the only man I knew that I would ever love.
I cried because he would never know that I died that night so that his dream could stay alive.
Present
JESSA
Any chance you guys want to brave the snow and grab some coffee and donuts for breakfast?
ALLY
Uh oh. Donuts… what did you do that you regret?! Does this have to do with Chance??
TAMMY
Can you pick me up on your way?
JESSA
I’ll be there in fifteen, Tammy. Ally, we’ll see you at Cup of Joe.
ALLY
YOU DID DO SOMETHING WITH CHANCE!
Ignoring her last text, my phone clunked down onto her dresser and I went in search of my concealer; the bags underneath my eyes were more like suitcases.
After what Chance had said to me before disappearing to call Nick last night, I’d come up to my new room and locked myself in the tower. Netflix was a good cover for the inordinate amount of crying that I’d done; hopefully, the half a season of Friends that I’d watched was loud enough should he be listening at my door. Again.
I’d been so tempted to wait down there for him, to finally lay into him for everything that he thought that he knew about me and what happened.
But what good would that have done?
He was already lost after his injury. Telling him the truth about what had happened… well, it would just be one more thing to beat himself up over. Or worse, the thought that I might have to hear him say that it was all for nothing. That thought had already crossed my mind more than once; to hear it aloud was more than I could handle right now.
I dabbed the pale cream over the purple circles before throwing the bottle into my purse just in case I needed to touch it up later.
It had stopped snowing at some point early in the evening. A glance out the window when I woke up showed clear skies and plowed roads—a sure sign that I needed to go see my girls and tell them what had happened.
Lacing up my ankle-high snow-boots over my skinny jeans, I checked in the mirror to make sure that I didn’t look too much like a heartbroken slob.
Only 35% heartbroken slob; I’ll take it.
The house was empty as I moved downstairs, tugging my NorthFace on over the over-sized purple sweater that I was wearing. I grabbed my keys and bee-lined for the door to the garage, realizing that my rush through the house was for nothing when I saw that Chance’s Cherokee was gone. Tugging my pink and purple tye-died gloves on over my fingers, my teeth chattered as I climbed into my truck. It wasn’t snowing, but it sure as hell was cold.
I called Tammy as I pulled into her apartment complex. “I’m here.”
“Ok, I’ll be right down.”
It took her three and a half minutes to make it to the car. I was watching the clock—the whole time wondering where Chance had gone, if he’d left last night or this morning, and honestly, if I would ever see him again.
“Hey.” Tammy gave me a half-smile when she climbed into the truck. She was the picture-perfect image of cozy. Fur-lined boots, long down jacket, white cashmere scarf with matching hat and matching gloves.
“You look nice and warm.”
“Well, it’s only eighteen outside.” Her eyes narrowed on me. “You should have a hat on.”
I rolled my eyes, turning onto the resort road. “I only went from the house to my car. And Cup of Joe is close to the parking lot—but thanks, Mom.”
“Maybe at least put your hood up.”
I chuckled; I wasn’t winning this argument. “Any word on Lila?”
Immediately her face shuttered. “She’s not coming back.”
“What?”
“Sofia called on Friday, right before we were done for the day. She said that Lila wouldn’t be coming back to the daycare. I-I didn’t take the call, but I guess she will be getting some sort of private tutor.”
“Seriously? I can’t believe that. And she didn’t say anything about what happened?”
“Not to me and Becca didn’t ask.” Becca was the part-time helper at the daycare.
“Did you call her back?”
This time, it was her turn to let out a sad laugh. “And say what? ‘Hi, this is Tammy. I work at the Open Hearts. I have no legitimate reason why you should tell me but I would like to know what happened with Lila the other day and why she isn’t coming back to the daycare?’” Her pain at wanting to say those words bled through every syllable as she rhetorically recited them to me. “No. I’m an employee; I’m nothing to her or the family. I have no right to ask questions, let alone demand answers when there has been not even the slightest hint of any danger to Lila.”
I didn’t want to tell her that she was right. I wanted to tell her that she had some recourse. But she really didn’t; it was none of her business. She was just a casualty of whatever had happened.
I pulled into a parking spot, shifting into park. Turning in my seat, I said, “I’d love to tell you that you are wrong, but you aren’t. However,” I paused for a second, “I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to reach out to the parents—not Sofia—and follow up with them. I think if you explain your relationship with Lila, anyone would understand that you have the child’s best interests at heart.”
“It’s not unreasonable. Which is why I sent an email to Carol—“ Carol was the owner of the daycare, but who was never there; Tammy basically ran the place, but of course, would never do anything without going through the proper channels, “—but it was Friday afternoon, so I don’t expect to hear from her until tomorrow at the earliest.”
“I’m sure she will give you their information,” I reassured her. “Now, let’s get some donuts before Al eats them all.”
Cup of Joe was basically empty except for one other group of four, us, and Hannah—the barista. Al had already snagged a table, a steaming cup of coffee and a plateful of donuts already in front of her. Since she used to work here, I was sure that Hannah had given her everything for free.
“Looks like everyone is hiding out from the storm,” I said with a smile. “Can I just get a cappuccino?”
“Tell me about it. It’s a good thing for me because Charley called out again today because of the weather,” Hannah replied with a sigh. Being friends with Ally, I knew about the struggle with Charley—the barista who rarely showed up for her job but somehow managed to keep it. “Mind you—she lives within walking distance.”
“Oh, man. That’s horrible!” I exclaimed as she walked over to the espresso machine to make my drink.
Plopping into the second armchair that was next to Ally, I glanced over to see Hannah handing Tammy her cup of tea; she wasn’t a coffee drinker.
“I’m dying over here, you know that right?”
I rolled my eyes at her faux-dramatics. “Just wait for Tammy, would ya?”
It wasn’t a long wait. Not even thirty seconds later, Tammy slid in to the last chair at the table—the one directly facing the window.
“Ok, now spill. What caus
ed the emergency ‘donut-look’ meeting?”
I groaned and took a sip of my cappuccino that was way too hot to be drinking yet. At the moment, the fact that I’d shared my little ‘donut-look’ joke with my girls was backfiring on me.
“I have a roommate.” I stared down at the mug in my hands, letting the heat from the coffee warm through to my still-chilled fingers.
“Wait, what?” Ally immediately asked; Tammy meanwhile sat quietly and let our younger friend do all the interrogating. It was like freaking good-cop bad-cop over here. “I thought you were moving into my house? Did you find somewhere else? Who is it?”
The laugh that escaped me was slightly pathetic. “I am moving into your house. Correction: I moved into your house. And then on Friday, so did your brother.”
“WHAT?!” They were a chorus of confusion.
“Are you serious? Why? Oh my God, you called me about Chance and Emmett said that something happened with Nick. Is that why he moved out and back into the house?”
I tried to take another sip of my coffee because there was no chance I was getting a word in while Ally rattled off every question that she could think of.
Finally, when she took a breath, I spoke again.
“He… wouldn’t tell me what happened with Nick. All I know is something happened that made him miss his therapy appointment and then the next thing I know, I hear noises in the middle of the night and I almost beat him over the head with a rolling pin.”
She burst out laughing.
“A rolling pin! That is hysterical.” Even I couldn’t help but crack a smile at the memory. “You should have hit him. Maybe knock some sense into my dear brother.”
“Yeah. So, that’s the news. I’ve officially moved in with my ex-boyfriend who hates me. No big deal.” If there was such a thing as a sarcastic shrug, at this point in my life, I was the master of it.
“What happened? What did he say?”
Briefly, I recounted the events of Friday night—editing out certain details—and then yesterday morning when he helped me grab the rest of my stuff from my moldy apartment.
“You can move back in with me if you want, Jessa. It’s really not a problem.”
God, I loved her. Selfless concern gushed from Tammy without a second thought to the mess that it would mean for her.
“No, it’s really fine. It’s only temporary,” I reassured her.
“Is it?”
“Until I find a new place.” Why did it sound like this wasn’t obvious to me?
“But do you want to find a new place?” she pressed.
I glared at Ally for the question over the edge of my mug. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, please. I’ve seen the way the two of you are around each other.” She rolled those Ryder-blue eyes.
“Al, your brother hates me after what I did and he has every right to. Even if I told him the truth; it was still a betrayal.”
“So nothing happened between you two?” I took another sip—gulp—of my coffee. “Oh, my God. Something did happen!” It was her brother—she was way too excited about this.
I shook my head frantically. “Something might have happened, but it shouldn’t have. Too much has happened between us. That’s the problem. I shouldn’t have let anything happen…” The last word came out as the groan of regret.
“What happened?” Wide-eyes stared me down. “Did you sleep with him?!”
At least that question Ally had the decency to whisper.
“No!” My cup clinked onto the table. “But I’m afraid that I want to.”
“And what does he want?” Tammy finally chimed in.
“I mean, he’s a guy, Tam. Of course he wants that. But he also wants payback.” I was always the confident one in front of them—the strong one—and now, I sat there like a nervous-Nelly all because of Chance Ryder. “Sorry, Al. Probably not what you want to hear about your brother.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “Well, maybe if you’d stop reminding me that he’s my brother, it wouldn’t be so bad… Kidding! It doesn’t bother me. I just want to be here for you, J. I don’t want you to think I’m not on your side because I’m related to… the other side.”
“Yeah. I know. Anyway. I don’t want to make this a whole drawn-out thing. I just needed to get out of the house after yesterday and I needed to tell you guys—“
Cutting me off, Ally asked, “What happened the other night?”
I blinked. Oops. “What was bound to happen at some point if Chance and I were left alone for long enough… He helped me move all of my stuff yesterday morning; the way we were, it was almost as though the snow had taken us back in time.” My throat thickened. “Anyway, so there was that. And then some other stuff happened, where I’ll just say that it’s a good thing that if it had been your couch, Tam, all of your pillows would have ended up on the floor…”
“For certain things, I would make an exception…” Tammy murmured, drawing stares from both Ally and me—since when would any sign of mess be ok with Tammy? She quickly spoke again. “Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Finish your story, Jess.”
I nodded, saying, “And then, the past rose up between us like a mountain. Nick called and Chance said he would have to call him back. I asked what was going on, why he’d missed his appointment, and told him that if Nick was involved with something to be careful.” I’d practiced the next words several times this morning so that I wouldn’t choke on saying them. “And then he lashed out, reminding me just how involved I’d been with Nick.”
“Oh, Jessa,” Tammy gushed.
She would acutely remember the sobs, the vomiting, the utter despair from that night when she picked me up. It was the only time that I’d completely trusted everything about my life to her because there were a few hours where I didn’t want to live it, knowing what I’d done; I’d given myself one night to get it all out—and in the morning, I swore to myself that I would never cry over it again. I’d done what I had to. Second-guessing the decision would destroy me.
“What an asshole.” Ally was fuming.
“He’s not an asshole, Al. It’s not his fault that I haven’t told him the truth.”
She wasn’t convinced, saying, “Still that’s no excuse. He’s just angry at the world. It’s been eight years; he shouldn’t have brought it up like that.”
“Are you going to tell him the truth? Maybe it’s time…” Tammy suggested, her calm and soothing voice always the quiet amidst the storm.
“Will it make any difference? I’m afraid at this point, it would only make things worse for him…”
“Not if he wants you,” Ally said. “Yeah, the reason you did it doesn’t exist anymore but it certainly did eight years ago.”
“What if he doesn’t really want me?” I asked quietly. It was my biggest fear. That none of this was real—that it was all a ploy, for payback.
A game to him… But for me, it was a game of Chance—literally—to see how far I was going to fall.
Ally burst into laughter. “Yeah, I’d sooner believe someone telling me that it was never going to snow in Aspen again than the idea that my brother doesn’t want you—or only wants to hurt you. The only person he’s fooling is himself if he thinks that he could actually do something like that. Being around the two of you in the same room… let’s just say that it’s like watching the longest, slow-burning fuse that ever existed. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when the forced distance and forced distaste blew up.”
Heat spread into my cheeks. “Tammy?” I turned to my other best friend and asked, wondering what her thoughts were.
She gave me the look that parents give their children when they are about to tell them something that they don’t want to hear—like that you have to eat all of your vegetables before dessert or that you have to put a coat on because it’s cold outside.
“I know why you did what you did, J. But I’ve always believed that the two of you belonged together—maybe not then, but maybe now.”
> “I figured that moving back here would mean admitting the truth to him. But when I learned about his injury, I was afraid it would be like rubbing salt in his wound.” I held up my hand. “No, I need to tell him that if I want to be with him. I can’t let him continue to think that I ever wanted Nick. But I’m afraid to tell him the rest…”
“About the…” Tammy began to ask, ducking her head before she was able to get the word ‘baby’ out.
“I can picture the variety of responses that I would get to the truth about why we broke up. For the life of me, I have no idea how he’ll react to hearing that and I’m so afraid to find out,” I said softly as tears pricked at the corners of my eyes.
“I can’t… imagine… what that was like for you, Jessa,” Ally said. “All I can tell you—and this is from recent personal experience—is that the only way you can ever be with someone that you love is to tell them about the things that have almost killed you. And that’s on both ends, although you know what happened to Chance and his career and you obviously know about yourself, so you know what’s almost broken him. He doesn’t know about Nick or the baby… so he can’t love you if you won’t let him.”
“I-I don’t know that I love Chance.” As soon as the words left my mouth, they became a lie.
“You might not, babe, but we do,” Tammy said softly.
A few moments of silence lapsed; heavy realizations always seem to stall time briefly, allowing their veracity the opportunity to sink in.
“I do know that if I want to be with him, I have to tell him about Frost. And I have to tell him about the baby.”
“Well, then it sounds like you know what you want… and that you know what you have to do.”
And it was the scariest realization of my life.
Ally held a donut out to me and said, “Eat. And then forget about my brother’s stupidity and tell us all the juicy details! Relive those endorphins, babe!”
Enjoy the Ride (Winter Games Book 3) Page 22