It was Nick Frost alright, but he wasn’t alone.
Lila was with him.
Why was Lila with him?
It was one of those moments where for some people a million reasons and ideas and explanations flash through your mind, your brain sifting through the minutia of data to assess and extricate the most probable scenario for what you saw before you.
I was not one of those people.
My mind was blank. Even my own name was questionable at this moment.
“W-what’s going on?” I managed to speak in spite of how dry my mouth was.
Even though my brain couldn’t process the scene, my body—my heart could—and it was sinking. The high that I’d been traveling towards came crashing to a halt and then plummeted. I didn’t know the explanation, but I dreaded it all the same.
I watched as Nick’s face darkened, his jaw ticking like it was connected directly to his heart. He wanted to lose it—but he couldn’t because of Lila.
Lila, whose face lit slightly with the dawn of recognition. She tugged on Nick’s jacket sleeve.
“What is Miss Jessa doing here, Daddy?”
Daddy.
What happens when you toss a hair-dryer (plugged in) into a bath full of water? This happens. Me. Right here. Right now. Electrified by the truth that just came crashing morbidly into my reality.
Nick Frost had a daughter. A daughter that was a few years younger than mine would have been.
“What is she doing here?” he ground out, looking only at Chance.
Suffocating. Slowly. I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t, because there was no air.
“She lives here.”
“Well, that was fu—fast.” His eyes twinkled with bitterness and anger.
“It was also none of your business. My house. My life. Which brings me to what is really worth discussing right now and that is what you are doing here?”
Nick’s eyes narrowed. “I needed to get Lila out of the house,” he replied tightly like he didn’t want me to hear.
There was a moment of silence before Chance shut the door behind our guests and ushered them inside.
Lila, bundled up in pink snowpants and snowjacket, left her father’s side and jogged over to me, wrapping her arms around my legs.
“Hi, Miss Jessa.” She grinned up at me and even though so many parts of me were breaking, I held onto what was left in order to smile back at her.
“Hi there, Miss Lila. Imagine seeing you here.” I tug white furry hat complete with little bear ears, off of her head and crouch down to her level. Her tiny little presence is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
“Is Miss Tammy here?” Her eyebrows raised in adorable expectation and my heart ached for the both of them.
“No, I’m sorry, honey, but she’s not here.”
“Oh.” Her face fell. “I miss her.”
Before I could respond, she was back over by Nick with her arms wrapped around his one leg. Both he and Chance looked down at the girl as though they were surprised to see such a show of affection. Her arrival had clearly interrupted Nick as he was explaining with a harsh quietness why he’d shown up here with his daughter.
Another bout of nausea rolled through me and I reached for the wall to steady myself as I stood back up.
It wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t feel this way. I’d barely been pregnant. I hadn’t lost a child, really, I’d only lost a cluster of cells; I shouldn’t be so affected.
But yet, my stomach wanted to revolt and my throat wanted to close because Chance should be standing here with a little girl of his own—our little girl. And the part that killed me was that he didn’t know—he didn’t even know because I was a coward who could confess to a lie, but not to the truth.
“Daddy, why can’t I see Miss Tammy anymore?” Lila whined into his leg and I heard the tears before they began to fall.
Everything cold and hard that was painted layer upon painstaking layer over Nick—both his person and his personality—melted in the instant he spoke to his daughter. I stood in awe, hardly recognizing the man who’d always been careless, callous, and cocky as he dropped to his knees and cupped his daughter’s rosy cheeks, quickly swiping away her tears. Strangely, though, I saw Lila flinch at his touch and an unhealthy mix of pain and anger flashed over Nick’s face—that slight movement infuriating and crucifying him at the same time.
“Shh, I told you, honey, it’s just for a little while.” He gave her a tight smile—the one adults could recognize as meaning that he wasn’t exactly sure how long ‘a little while’ actually meant.
“I’ll give you a minute,” Chance said gruffly before he turned back and came for me.
“Chance—“ I bit my cheek as his hands on my waist pushed me backwards into the living room, leaving Nick in peace to console his child.
“Frost has a kid,” he said—as though that explained everything.
“I see that…”
“Do you remember Eliza Blackman?”
My face scrunched. The name seemed familiar but at the same time I couldn’t place her.
“Don’t think too hard—just picturing her might get you some sort of STD.”
“I’m assuming that’s Lila’s mother?” I asked and Chance nodded in response.
“If she even fucking deserves to be called that,” he swore and then in a few curt sentences, informed me just exactly how Nick came to find out he had a daughter and why she still shied away men—including the one who looked like he’d fall on a sword if it would heal her.
“Why is he here?”
“Because Eliza is back in town.” He rubbed his brow. “And she’s looking for Lila—and a reason to take her away from Frost.”
“She can’t do that,” I gasped. “She abandoned her after letting her be abused.”
I knew I was crying now—the whole story was heart-breaking. All I could think about was Nick having to lose his daughter.
And then it wasn’t even a hop, skip, and a jump before I found my nineteen-year-old self again, wondering why my boobs felt bigger, but my period was five days late. Before I found the girl with the blue hair, crouched over a toilet in her dorm’s communal bathroom, staring at the pregnancy test that was in my hands. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t because of my watery eyes or my shaking hands that I saw two lines on the screen.
“Don’t cry, J-bird. It’s going to be ok—they’re going to be ok.” And just like Nick, Chance cupped my cheeks, wiping away the tears that fell in rapid succession. And just like Lila, I flinched at his touch and the change in his demeanor was instantaneous.
I shook my head because it wasn’t them I was worried about. Anyone with eyes could see that Nick Frost would burn down the whole fucking world to make sure his daughter stayed safe.
“Jessa…” I pulled away from him.
The memories were like punches—like Mohammed Ali was using my heart as a punching bag.
I saw the girl sitting numbly on her bed after there were no more tears to cry, scrolling through her phone aimlessly because in spite of all the people who loved her, she couldn’t think of anyone that she could call; she could only think of him.
I saw the girl digging her nails into her palms—kind of like I was doing now—as the first ring to Chance’s cell went through; her heart was beating in her throat.
“Helloooo?” A female voice answered, slurring her words; she sounded familiar—someone from our class. No, the class below us. Lexi, maybe?
“Uhh… hi. Umm, is Chance there?” The blue-haired girl squeaked out over the thickness in her throat, telling herself that it doesn’t matter if he’s with another girl—he has the right to know. Especially after how I left him.
There were noises that I pretended I didn’t hear. Words exchanged. The faint whisper of the tone of his voice.
“His tongue is a little too busy,” she gasps, “to talk right now—“
“Please, it’s important,” the blue-haired girl cut her off before she really says something
to make me vomit.
Without hesitation, she responds, “He says you have the wrong number. He’d give you Frost’s but he’s sure you probably have that somewhere down your throat, too.”
The line beeped because the blue-haired girl was too broken to end the call. He knew, I realized. He saw that I was calling and let that girl answer on purpose to have this conversation.
For the second time in two weeks, the floor gave out from under me.
I was lost. Lost in myself. Lost in my memory of the last time I tried to tell him about my pregnancy. Now, thinking about Lila being taken away from Nick only made me think of how my child was taken from me; I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t fight for her. Burning down the world would have made no difference for me—except that I could have gone up in flames with it. Maybe then I wouldn’t have had to live with the last piece of loneliness that had crushed my soul.
It had only taken one week of a broken heart for my body to realize that without a working heart, it couldn’t support a child.
I’d only been to my OBGYN once to confirm the pregnancy before I told Chance… Or tried to. I knew something wasn’t right—more than the usual everything not being right. And then there was blood. By the time I made it to the doctor’s, it was too late. (Not that she could have done anything about it anyway.)
The hospital was so white. So bright for an event that was so dark.
I was fine. I was completely ok. Physically speaking. And that’s what my parents were concerned about when they showed up to my sterile, lifeless room. They cared about me.
I only cared about all the things that I’d lost.
There was a lot of blood, I thought, for something that had only been a few cells big.
On my way home from the doctor’s, I wondered if I should have been relieved. I’d only gotten up the courage to call Chance; I hadn’t even thought about telling anyone else. And now, I wouldn’t have to.
The next thing I knew, I was in my dorm, in my bed, sobbing silently with the covers clutched to my chest and wondering if my heart would ever be able to go on.
I tripped over something—maybe clothes, maybe myself; my eyes were too wet to see. I was sobbing and it was the worst kind of sobbing. It was the kind that hurts so badly that no noise comes out. My pain was so loud that no one but me could hear it.
“Jessa!” I heard Chance say my name. “What the hell is going on!”
I heard him coming for me just as the door to the garage opened and Ally’s panicked voice sounded from the doorway, “Oh my God, Jessa!”
Gasping in air, my heart pounded in my chest as Ally paused in shock for a second before storming into the room.
“What happened?” she asked me frantically, before her gaze shifted to her brother when I couldn’t find the words to explain. Everything was heavy and thick, my tongue immoveable. “What did you do?” Uncharacteristic anger laced through her words.
I was in a bubble of pain and suffering and I watched the conversation unfolding in front of me before there was a damn thing I could do about it.
“Don’t take that tone with me, Alice Daisy Ryder,” Chance bit out. He didn’t want to deal with his sister. He wasn’t even looking at her. His eyes were locked on mine, trying to get inside, trying to figure out how to help me. “I didn’t do a goddamn thing. I’m trying to figure out why she lost it over the kid.”
Lila—the kid who Ally had no idea was here.
Her disgusted exhale echoed inside of my head.
“Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Ally stepped in front of her brother, but she was too far away for me to reach her—to stop her. “Why she ‘lost it’ over the kid? Maybe because that kid was hers? Maybe because she lost her baby—your baby—all alone. In Texas. While you were up here doing God-knows-what.”
Oxygen felt like poison—like tar—in my lungs, clogging every molecule and fiber that allowed me to breathe.
Was this real?
The room began to spin.
“Ally…” It was like her hands were wrapped around my throat and I was begging her to let go—and let me breathe again.
“No!” Her hand came up in my direction before it pushed into her brother’s chest, pushing him back. “And now, you have the nerve to ask her why she would be upset? After it’s taken her weeks to find the courage to admit to you one of the most heartbreaking losses—“
“Ally!” Her name exploded from my lips that finally decided that they knew how to work. Tears rolled like hot acid down my cheeks.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
My tone was enough to shock her and she spun on me with complete confusion on her face.
My tongue that was far too big for my mouth began to move lamely in my mouth. “T-that’s not—“
“What the—is going on in here?” Nick stormed into the room, tugging Lila by the hand. She wasn’t crying anymore, but her cheeks were stained red.
Ally turned and froze, the color draining from her face.
“Who…” Her head flicked back and forth between Nick to Chance and then to me. “What…”
It was a moment that could have been plucked straight from a Greek comedy… or a tragedy—depending on how you looked at it. So many mistaken assumptions.
“Jessa…” Ally squeaked, her big blue eyes now solely focused on me, tears welling in them. “What’s going on?”
“Ally, this is Frost’s daughter, Lila,” Chance ground out, pinning me with his stare. “This is the kid that Jessa just got so upset over.”
I hated silence. Awkward, drags-on-forever, stifling silence.
Ally’s hand came up to cover her mouth as she realized what she’d just done. It wasn’t her fault, really. Something this big shouldn’t have remained a secret for so long.
“Jessa,” she whispered, walking towards me.
“Is it true?” Chance asked and I couldn’t keep my eyes on my friend any longer.
I had to look. I had to see.
Burning sulfur—that’s what I saw; a bright indigo lava that glowed white along the edges.
I felt every cell wither under its intensity, his molten anger and betrayal charring everything in its path.
“Is. It. Fucking. True?” he asked again and Nick growled from the corner at the use of expletives in front of his little girl. I wanted to look—to apologize for Chance—but I couldn’t. “Were you pregnant with my child?”
I couldn’t move.
Raising my chin, I did the very first thing the mountain had ever taught me—sometimes, the only thing that you can do in life…
I rose up. From my fear. From my despair. From the ashes.
“Yes.” Strong. Steady. The word came down like a gavel in the silence even though I couldn’t stop the tears from pleading my case.
Betrayal.
It was the elephant in the room. It was the final lie that I’d subjected him to. I had my reasons, I could argue
“Chance…”
The tongue may be the strongest muscle in the body, but it is what the tongue creates that has the greatest ability for harm. Syllables that cut like swords. Words that are harsh and so sharp that their utterance should make the mouth bleed. The worst are the landmines—wordmines; these are the words that seem like nothing when you step on them, only to realize that they conceal a bomb underneath—an explosion of anger waiting to erupt.
“Get out.” A wordmine barely containing the bomb of anger and betrayal that sat beneath the surface.
It was ironic—how I felt about Chance.
He could rip my heart from my chest and tear it in two. And no matter how it got put back together, it would always beat for him.
At first, I thought the strangled cry came from my mouth, but here it came from Ally. No, I was used to losing Chance at this point in my life. I’d done all the wrong things. Right or wrong, the reasons no longer mattered.
I thought I’d exhaled—a painful relief that the truth was freed from me—but his name
must have been carried out with the air because his jaw ticked dangerously again before he said, “Actually, no. I’m fucking leaving. I knew I never should have come back to this fucking place.”
I felt his pain. Learning about a child only to subsequently lose it. I knew the exquisite torture that came when shock and pain blended inside your heart. And after everything I pushed him to admit to me, to know that I kept this from him.
I stood tall—like a string had been tied from the top of my head to the ceiling, pulling me tight. A puppet. With a nose that should have reached to the door for all the lies that I’d told.
I nodded even though I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
Ally grabbed my hand as he walked by. I didn’t argue. It’s not like I had anywhere else to go either.
“Chance.” I squeezed her hand, a silent plea to just let it be. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Her fingers tightened on mine and I knew it killed her to walk away from this—to not be able to stand up for me like I’d done for her.
“Who have you become?” she whispered, utterly tortured by her brother’s reaction. I wish I could say it sounded even remotely close to what was inside of me, but how she felt was a raindrop compared to my ocean.
I HAD TO GET OUT of there—out of the house that had only started to feel like home again because she was in it. Looking around as I stalked out, all I saw was her—the candles, the fucking La Croix cans (three of them in my exit path), her boxes that were only still half-unpacked, and the stack of Tarot cards on the coffee table in the living room. The space was more her than it was me.
My wheels spun in the snow as I pulled out of the driveway. This is what I did when I was broken—I ran. And I told myself it was because I didn’t need any of this shit. Except, I wasn’t dumb enough to really believe that anymore.
I’d been a father.
A dad.
I could have had a baby. With Jessa-fucking-Madison.
Hot tears beat angrily against my eyelids, wanting to fall. I hadn’t even cried when they told me I’d never compete again. But that felt like taking a toy from a child compared to this.
I had so many questions—more questions than the sky had stars—How could Jessa have been pregnant? How long was she pregnant? How could she not have told me?
Enjoy the Ride (Winter Games Book 3) Page 31