“I do not hate you.”
“So, you experienced sub-drop,” Camilla said.
Sub-drop. I paused for a second, then nodded and shrugged. That certainly sounded quite like my experience, even without her defining it for me.
“Did the flogging tap into anything negative that you can remember? Did something trigger you to launch out of subspace so fast?”
I choked up and tears slid down my face right before I covered it up with both hands and rubbed it furiously. “Yes. But I don’t know if it was real, if it really happened, but I think it did. I believe so.”
“And what do you believe happened?” She sat in a seat and leaned forward, fingers threaded together between her knees.
“I’ll try to explain it. Um, the flogging was really, really nice. I was enjoying it. I especially loved the sensation of the heartier, larger falls, even when he was doing it double-handed.”
“The Florentine.”
“Yes!” I cried, relieved to now know what it was because I didn’t have the inclination to look it up after the Ditch of the Century. “The rhythm he was using was so awesome, but it reminded me of a beat from my childhood. I sank into what Logan was doing. It flooded me with elation and ushered me into the clouds. We were dancing up there, in the ballroom of a big house, but he left to get me some juice. My neck was prickling from this dark room that was off to the side. Then these nasty, black vines furled out of it, yanked me away from him and pulled me into its pitch. The door slammed and locked on me. I was trapped. I couldn’t get out. And then I got sucked even further back into my own bedroom, where I was trapped again behind a locked door. The fan in my room made that same beat of whirl-whap, whirl-whap. Unable to get out, and scared for some reason, I dove under my covers. When I dared to peek out, a blank-faced man was there, reading to me, which was strange because I was ten and the best reader in my class. It illuminated later that it was my Uncle Herb. He’s dead now. But he was there, in my room. When he closed the book at the story’s conclusion, he suddenly slid his hand up my leg under my covers and scratched and pinched my labia and clit. My mom walked in on it. When he bolted off me and rushed out and down the hall, I told her what happened, and she basically said I deserved it for dressing so slutty. That hurt me far worse. It jabbed my jugular, and that’s what made me flip out and scream and crash. I didn’t remember it at all. I didn’t recall it until I was being flogged. I think it really happened, I do. Exactly like that.”
I looked up at her and my breath caught when I noticed her fuming glare, not at me. I followed her gaze, and Logan was staring at me, his mouth agape.
“This is a surprise to you? All of it?” she snapped. “You don’t know this?”
He turned his focus to her and shook his head.
“How do you not know what is going on with your own sub?”
He rubbed his face with an exasperated huff, got up and paced. “I don’t know, I don’t know. I was freaking out myself. She was going ballistic, screaming and hitting me. I hurt her, made her snap, and I didn’t know how to handle it or what to do. When she came back to me, I felt like I crashed myself. My mom’s schizophrenic, so crazy freaks me out. I just can’t deal with it. I can’t. I was smacked with a tsunami of self-doubt and terror, and I couldn’t think straight myself or stop the room from spinning.”
“Maybe you experienced Top-drop, which is more rare than sub-drop, but crashes can happen to Doms too. Or, maybe you’re just plain stupid and unaware of your full responsibility. In preparing a scene, you should’ve arranged a soft, safe space for respite and plenty of time for any potential meltdowns to resolve. Didn’t you know that?”
“I did know about drops of course, kind of. I mean I’ve heard of them, for subs, not for Doms, but I’ve never seen one, and I didn’t know it would be so explosive and terrifying, for either of us. I feel like an idiot for not prepping enough. I knew about aftercare too. That she’d need it. I had a bag full of stuff and a first-aid kit, but I didn’t even ask if she was thirsty or cold. Or maybe I did? I don’t know. I don’t remember. I couldn’t function myself.”
“Well, now you fucking know. You need to provide care to one another, especially Dom to sub, not just after a scene but often throughout the following days. Aftercare is not just a massage, a blanket, and glass of water. It’s a zone of open communication and a time for reassurance and re-solidifying your bond. Never let your sub go without finding out what you might have unleashed. She clearly crashed. It’s your job to help her work through all the dross you pull up. I’m stunned. This girl was likely abused, and this shouldn’t be as much of a shock to you as it is to me.”
“Um, I have difficulty calling it abuse,” I interrupted with my finger pointed up. “There are some people who are molested for years. I got a couple pinches. It’s just nowhere near the same. I was more upset be my mom’s reaction.”
“An adult took advantage of your innocence and youth and touched you in a disgusting way he shouldn’t have. It’s abuse, Addison. One second is a second too long. That’s hugely upsetting, even if you are detached from it or fuzzy on the details. This is something, Logan, that you should’ve taken the time to find out. No eyes or ears or arms for days for her, I’m sure, only amplified her distress and confusion. It’s just not the way to operate as a Dom.”
“I know. I know. I’m an inadequate, shitty Dom. I’m an asshole, I admit it.” He stopped and looked at me, his eyes wet. “I’m sorry, Addison, so sorry that I just left you like that for half the week, especially now knowing what happened to you and why you crashed. I was itching to end THIS, right then and there, and didn’t want to make a rash decision. I didn’t want to hear your voice or the sweet breath of angels from your lips. I wanted to think through everything, clearly and rationally.” He rubbed stiff hands together. “I don’t know how to live without you,” his voice broke and gave way to a crushed sob, “but I don’t know how to be the Dom you need either. I thought I could do it, and I wanted to be yours so badly. You are amazing, so precious.”
“Want-ed?” My heart was breaking, my throat felt crushed by a boot and tears just kept streaming down my cheeks. My words were a warbled mess as I blubbered, “No. Don’t do this, Logan. Don’t. We are supposed to be in this. You spanked me today. What the hell was all that about?”
“I just...want to keep touching your body and loving on you. I want you to be mine. I don’t want to let you go. I don’t know how to be without you. The last few days have been hell for me too.”
“Then don’t,” I screeched and flailed my fists in the air.
“But I don’t want to hurt you, Addison. I don’t want to ever do that to you again. Make you crash like that, crush your spirit, break your heart.”
I stood up and screamed, “You are breaking my heart now! You leaving me to myself and my misery was worse than anything. Don’t you get that?”
Camilla got up too. “Logan. You are a Dom, whether you are practicing or not, whether you are shitty or not. You may not have everything figured out, but you can’t just scrub it out of your soul. Go slower, take your time, shorten your scenes, learn how to be the best Dom you can be. But you can’t simply turn it off because you don’t feel like being one today. It’s your choice of course, whether or not you want a lifestyle, but you can’t just say you’re not a Dom.”
“I don’t want to hurt her though. And I...” he stopped and turned away from us.
“You what? Why do you think you will hurt her? Are you in control? Respectful of limits?”
“Yes, and yes. But I don’t like the...the fucking burning fire inside that flares up into an inferno.”
“Turn around.”
He obeyed her order.
“Burning fire for what? What sets it off?”
“I don’t know. I like her reactions. They make me so goddamn stiff.”
“Her reactions to what?”
He scratched his lips. “To p—pain or pleasure, but especially pain and discomfort. I just want
to shred her emotionally sometimes to bring on more tears and sobs.”
“So, you’re a sadist then. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No, I’m not. Not that.”
“It sounds like you are.”
He scratched his bicep. “No. Sadists like to inflict physical pain, they get off on it. I like to spank her, sure, and play rough, but not hurt, hurt her.”
“And yet, you think you will. You’re wrong about sadists. There are different types, just as there are different types of anything, subs, bisexuals, spankos. Some are titillated by any and all pain, some like to see or cause physical pain or reactions to it, and others like to cause emotional distress. You just said her reactions, especially her tears, make you stiff. Do you know what dacryphilia is?”
He shook his head. “Nope. Never heard of it.”
“It’s getting turned on watching someone cry.”
His jaw dropped a little when his gaze flew to mine but clammed up after a quick snatch of breath.
“Do you like to get under her skin, push her to the brink of what she can stand and dangle her over it? Do you wish to twist and exploit those sores spots you uncover because deep in your gut it gives you pleasure? Do you like to see her suffer and struggle, even more so, if you make it happen, if you make her cry? It’s not uncommon for them to be closely associated. Psychological sadists often bring up tears along with distress and mental anguish when they talk about what turns them on. Some sadists never cause any physical pain at all, they just like to dig into their sub’s mind with their talons. And some like a combination of physical and psychological to witness the anguish they crave to see. It’s more about the response than the actual infliction pain itself. Some even like to kiss and lick tears, to catch each and every drop, because the taste of the salt water they birthed is a huge turn-on. This is basically what you just told me. In your mind, does that sound like you?”
He closed his eyes and tucked his hands into the back pockets on his jeans. A long breath escaped his circled lips. “Uhhh ... maybe.”
“Yes, Logan,” I shouted. “Yes, most definitely, yes. Don’t even try to downplay it or deny it. You love to make me cry. Love it. You burned hot seeing me cry and lose it in the Quad right? And in your car? And on your floor while the game was on? You do it every chance you get. And you know what? I love it too. I do not like to hurt that way, but I love knowing that I’m pleasing you, that suffering in whatever way you ask is proving my devotion to you and making you happy.”
Big drops fell from the bottom ridges of his lids. “But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt you. I just get sucked in and crave more and more.” He scrubbed his face and rubbed his forehead with his fist. “There’s this war inside, where I want to protect you with all my might, and at the same time, I yearn to make you sob and scream. I’m such a sick fuck.”
“Logan,” Camilla said. “I have known some sick fucks, and I have the scars to show for it, and trust me, you are not one. Tell me what you really are. Let it spill from your mouth. Embrace it.”
He turned away and shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s ugly. It’s a horrible thing to be. No way in hell do I want to be that. Some pain-thirsty fiend with a strangling rapist’s thirst.”
“They are not the same. You are always hemmed in by her, by her wants, her limits.”
“They spring from the same dark cellar.”
“You saying you don’t want to be one doesn’t make it so. Admit it. Then I can help you process it. It’s hard for a lot of people to come to grips with, but it’s your truth. Own it.”
He turned back around, gruffly shaking his head. His sexy mouth opened and closed. “I, I’m, uhhh, I can’t. I can’t say it.”
“It’s not an ugly word,” she insisted. “Sexual sadism is different than what you know and believe. It’s a state of mind, a beautiful truth to behold. It’s only ugly right now because it’s unbridled and uncertain before you, because you don’t understand its power or what it even means. But I can help you rein it in. I can help you thrive so you can feed your arousal, while ensuring your sub gets what she needs without being totally demolished in the process. You can learn to work with and love your kink and all the dark corners of your soul. You don’t have to ditch your sub, Logan. You don’t have to run. She’s comfortable with you as you are and okay with the pain you ache to deliver, with the tears you yearn to see. And if she’s not, she has the freedom to speak up, yes? She has a safeword?”
“Yeah. She has a few for different things.” He sighed. “I just … ah, I don’t know.”
“You know what, Logan,” I cried, “regardless of what you can admit out loud or what you choose to do, you breached my trust anyway. You crushed me into dust when I gave you everything. I gave my virginity to you and the entirety of my heart and my full devotion. This is exactly what I meant when I said you don’t trust me to take what you crave to give. And if I can’t take it, I can exit out. But instead of talking to me or trusting me to take your sadistic whims and jabs, you ran and didn’t care that it cut and left me adrift. As much as I don’t want our THIS to be over, I also don’t know where we’re supposed to go from here. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust in you again. You shattered my faith and made me terrified to be yours.” My voice broke as I said, “You were the one person I trusted completely, the one. You were my dream Dom and my gumdrop-kitten-loving boyfriend. And now, you’re just another monster who doesn’t give a shit about me, just like everyone else in my life, save for maybe Shayna.”
“Ohmygod! You think I don’t...I love you, Addison. I love you thoroughly, more than I can ever say. I’ve never loved anyone more. That’s why I’m struggling with this. You don’t understand the war inside my mind. You don’t get it. I don’t want you to be subjected to someone like me.”
“Someone like you? I chose you with so much, nearly everything, unknown. Nothing you’ve said today has scared me off. And you chose me. What are you even talking about? What the hell are you so afraid of!”
His eyes bored into mine. “I don’t want … I don’t want to go crazy, Addison. I don’t want to lose my grounding in reality and destroy you in the process. I’m so hungry, Addison, you just don’t even know. There’s this wild beast inside that I constantly have to keep in check. And you make me insane with savage lust.”
“You are not crazy, Logan. You are not your mom or unhinged in anyway. You’re not a slave to her mind or bad choices. You’re a stupid jackass, and a coward sometimes, that’s for damn sure, but I’ve never met anyone more sane or more in control than you. You are a Dominant with a sweet heart, a perfect spank and an amazing kiss. That innate kindness, the one that wants to give junior highers wings, the one that told Shayna she should never compromise her standards, the one that jerked me out of a scene so I could be fucked properly, will always steer you right, even through the darkness and unknowns. You are your own person, one who wields command over me with fluidity and ease. I would never have agreed to be yours if I doubted that for a second.” I scratched my lip with my thumbnail. “I feel so crushed and battered and numb right now. I just … don’t know what to do.”
“Me neither. Do you think we’re done? We just started, had the one scene. Maybe we’re too young and stupid or not cut out to be lifestylers.”
I shrugged and bit my lip as tears raced down my face. I could feel my heart break into a million pieces. “Ah, I don’t know,” I blubbered. “I don’t want to be done. But I just ... I just can’t breathe or think right now. I’m smothered by grief and confusion, and I’m drowning in my newfound love for you. I don’t want all our sparkly boxes to get heaved into the trash, but I need some elbow room. I need time and space.”
“To think about shit.”
I clacked my tongue and wiped my face. After a deep breath, I let out a soft and brittle, “Yeah. To think about shit. I want to be claimed be you, I want to belong to you and no one e
lse, but at this point, it’s just so dangerous when I’m so new and starting with nothing. You can yank back the rug I’m standing on at any time, which you did, and I know now, that there’s nothing underneath but air. I was left in a plummet, and it’s terrifying. I think I need to learn how to be a good sub, period, and not just your sub. I need to build the foundation myself, starting with what I want and need, so if things don’t work out between us, I won’t lose myself entirely. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
“Yes. Perfectly. Kay, Babydoll. I’ll give you your wings. I’m warring inside. I’m scared to be with you, yet I don’t know how to let you go.” Logan came up to me and stroked his knuckles down the side of my face. “God, I love you. So much.” After a kiss on my temple, he whispered, “Be a good kitten.”
My eyes stung as I flung my arms around his my torso, pressed my head to his chest and squeezed him with all my might. I had so many words brimming in my mind, but even the simple, “I’ll try,” got scorched by the prickly burn in my throat. I could only cry and hang on to him as my whole, sparkly new world came crashing down around me.
CHAPTER 3
Following Sabrina in my car to Xtreme Xtasy, I gawked when she led me to a wide castle. Though it was set back from the road, it was surprisingly not in the middle of nowhere. We passed a strip mall about a half mile back and regular ranch houses sat across the street. The massive parking lot was only about half full. As we walked toward the entrance, I wondered if residents across the street could hear the screams.
Even though my BDSM bubble with Logan had only been in existence for less than a week, it felt like half a lifetime since we met. I asked him for some freedom and elbow room, but I still felt tightly bound to him. He was always there, right there, whispering commands and dirty things in my ear.
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