I looked at her and smiled with relief. I still had Ava. I could share with her what was going on with Nikolai and get her opinion.
“I think Nikolai broke up with me,” I blurted out.
Ava stopped walking and looked at me in shock. “What? Why do you think that? Yesterday, he would barely let you out of his sight.”
I frowned at the reminder and pulled her aside to stand by some lockers. “I know, that’s what makes this all so confusing. Nikolai kind of got into an…altercation with his dad yesterday, then, when he dropped me off he was in a super weird mood. Kind of closed off.” It felt so good to share this with someone. “He never contacted me last night or today, and then I find out he was in a fight last night. Now, he isn’t here to meet me after my class and I haven’t been able to contact him.”
Ava frowned. “Who did he get in a fight with?”
“I have no idea. All I know is he got into a fight last night with Jack and some other guys.”
“He fought Jack and some other guys?” Ava asked, her eyes bugging out in shock.
“No, no, Nikolai, Jack and some other guys got into a fight with some guys at Briar Ridge, but I don’t know why.” This had Ava frowning severely.
“Jack fought, too?” she asked, her frown getting more intense.
“I don’t know, Ava, that’s just what I heard. I don’t know anything,” I practically wailed.
“Right, right, sorry,” she responded distractedly, bringing her phone up as if she wanted to use it, then bringing her focus back to me.
“Well, Hannah, let’s be real. If he was in a fight, him not being here could be for a bunch of reasons. Maybe he’s in the hospital? Maybe he got arrested? Maybe he just looks really messed up from the fight and didn’t want anyone seeing him?” Ava tossed these suggestions out with an encouraging smile, as if they would all be much more appealing alternatives to Nikolai blowing me off. I can’t say I disagreed, not that I wanted him to be in the hospital or in jail.
Then I started to feel guilty. Ava was right, what if Nikolai was in jail or in the hospital? I pulled out my phone and quickly typed him a message.
Hannah: Are you okay? Are you in school today? I’m worried about you.
I waited again. No response. Of course, this only fed my fear that he was hurt or incarcerated. Or blowing me off. I was still undecided which was worse.
“I’ve got to go to class, Hannah. Keep me updated, okay?” Ava gave me I’m sure what she thought was a reassuring smile, but actually looked more like a grimace of pain. I guess she figured out all of the options sucked, too.
I nodded my head and marched into class.
*****
I was walking into the cafeteria with Ava when I saw Nikolai. I frowned and pulled out my phone to see if he texted me. Nothing. Shit, how do I handle this? Do I just act like I don’t see him? Confront him?
“Ava,” I said, pulling on her arm and pointing to where Jack and Nikolai were talking. “What should I do? He hasn’t texted me or anything all day. Do I blow him off? Go over there? What?”
Ava gave me a thoughtful frown. “Well, you might as well see if he has any reasonable excuses for being so distant. If no, dump him immediately. Do not settle for bullshit, Hannah,” Ava finished vehemently.
I nodded my head at her. She was like my coach in a boxing match, metaphorically rubbing my shoulders and amping me up for the confrontation ahead of me. “Right, right.” I said, feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. What if he does break up with me? It would be especially shitty after that whole speech yesterday.
Relationships sort of sucked.
I was getting ready to walk over there, but Ava stopped me. She turned me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Hannah, don’t be nervous. Just remember, you deserve better than to be an afterthought. If he can’t be bothered to tell you what’s going on, you don’t need him.”
Except to deal with Jeff. However, as soon as that thought came to me, I realized I was in a better place now than I had been when I’d first approached Nikolai. I told my sister about Jeff and would tell my mom later today. I was friends with Ava and Katya. I had resources, support. Although, having Nikolai for protection was incredibly gratifying and reassuring, but if I had to figure it out on my own, I felt like I might be able to.
“You’re right,” I agreed. I turned and walked over to where Nikolai was sitting with Jack. I could only see one quarter of his face from the direction I was approaching, but I easily saw the effects of the fight. He had a bruise on his upper left cheek, and as I got closer, I saw how raw and swollen his knuckles looked.
I cleared my throat when I got about two feet away, and Jack quickly glanced over at me, then caught Nikolai’s eye and gestured to where I was standing. Nikolai’s head swung around, and I gasped.
The bruise on his cheek was only the beginning. He had another one along his right jawline and a small cut at his hairline by his right temple. Jack, on the other hand, didn’t have a scratch on him. Did they make Nikolai fight everyone?
“What the fuck, Jack?” I felt all my anger at Nikolai coalesce and direct itself at Jack. Both Jack and Nikolai looked at me with shocked expressions.
Jack frowned. “What?”
“Why didn’t you help him?” I asked, gesturing to Nikolai’s condition. “Why does he look like this and you look perfectly fine?” I was furious no one had protected Nikolai. Jack brows started to crease in aggravation. “Did he fight everyone-”
“Hannah, stop.” Nikolai cut in. I swung my accusing gaze back to him and saw him frowning as well. Nikolai got up from the table and grabbed my arm. “I’m fine.”
I gaped. He looked far from fine. “Nikolai, have you seen yourself?”
“Yes, but they look worse, trust me.” Nikolai’s bruised mouth smirked humorlessly.
Trust him? Not right now. “Look, can we talk?”
Nikolai sighed like he was expecting this, and Jack immediately got up and walked away, having no desire to be a part of this conversation.
“What’s going on, Nikolai? Why are you fighting? Why haven’t I heard from you?” I asked, struggling to keep the hurt from leeching into my voice, but suspecting I was failing miserably. Nikolai looked me in the eye, his gaze glacial. He looked around the steadily filling cafeteria, grabbed my hand, and pulled me through the doors leading to an outside eating area for seniors. It was a cool day, so there weren’t many people out here. He pulled me to a picnic table and we sat, while I stared at him expectantly.
Nikolai simply stared at me for a moment, his expression inscrutable. My heart felt like it had taken up residence in my throat. “Hannah, I’m sorry. Seeing my father fucked me up, put me in a crazy mood. I needed to deal with it.” He didn’t look sorry. He looked angry and distant, but at least he was talking to me.
“Okay,” I started slowly. “What do you mean by deal with it? Deal with what?”
Nikolai shrugged his shoulders and frowned, indicating he was not at all comfortable with this type of discussion. In fact, he looked ready to jump out of his skin. “The anger, I guess.”
Good guess.
“Why not call and talk to me about it?” I asked reasonably.
Nikolai frowned and gave me an are-you-fucking-serious look. “Why the fuck would I want to talk about it?”
It was my turn to frown and give him the same look. “So, you’ll feel better.”
Nikolai chuffed out a dry laugh. “That’s bullshit. Talking about being angry doesn’t make you less angry. I need to channel it, and for me the only solution was fighting.” He said that with such finality, it was clear he wouldn’t be receptive to any alternatives I might suggest. Then he cocked his head and said thoughtfully, “I suppose I could have gotten drunk.”
God, those were the options? I frowned, uncertain of how to navigate this. “Look, Nikolai, I hate the idea of you hurting yourself.”
He laughed again, “Hurting myself? I know how to fight, Hannah. Those pussies at Briar Ridge wer
e never really going to hurt me. The only reason they got the hits in they did is because I was fighting three or four at a time.”
My jaw swung open. “Why?”
“Because I needed it, Hannah. I needed to get rid of the anger and give out pain.” Nikolai said flatly, but intensely.
“Okay.” I said nodding my head. Nikolai had demons, obviously, and I was not going to banish them for him. Not today, at least.
“Can you accept that, Hannah? That there are things I need to do that you are not going to like, or even understand, can you deal with that?” The way he asked was challenging, yet also revealing hints of vulnerability. He was afraid I wasn’t going to accept him. Accept him, demons and all.
“Do any of these things involve sleeping with other girls?” I asked blankly.
Nikolai’s head jerked back, as if that idea had never occurred to him. “No, of course not.” I nodded my head, thankful that was a boundary he was not challenging.
“Can we agree to maybe work on things? Maybe try to find different way to deal with how you feel?” Nikolai’s expression started to shut down, so I quickly rushed out, “Not now, not today, but maybe eventually?”
Nikolai cocked his head to the side as if considering the ramifications of agreeing to my request. “Okay,” he agreed. “But later, definitely not now.”
I nodded my head, but internally I was wondering if I was settling. Should I be expecting more from him? Could he really ever change? I guess I’d find out. “Okay, later,” I said, as I grabbed his scraped hands, inspecting the damage he had inflicted upon them. I looked up at him, those pale eyes looked at me speculatively, as if he were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for me to reject him, reject his limitations. A part of me wondered if I should do just that, but another, larger part of me wasn’t ready to let him go.
However, there was one issue that was non-negotiable to me – communication. I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Um, Nikolai, there is one other thing.”
“What?” Nikolai asked cautiously.
I took a deep breath and stared him in the eye. “I know this is going to sound minor, and maybe silly to you, but… you can’t just blow me off when you’re upset. You can’t just freeze me out or not respond to my messages.” Unable to withstand the intensity of his steady, pale blue gaze, I looked down and started to peel nail polish off my fingernail as a distraction. “It’s not fair,” I murmured, and shot a quick glance at him to gauge his reaction. Would he consider this request unreasonable?
Nikolai rubbed one scraped-up hand down his face and took a deep breath. “I’ll be honest, Hannah, this is the kind of shit that made me avoid relationships.”
I almost gasped at the pain his statement caused me. If he wasn’t willing to do this, then this was it, because there was no compromising. It was about respect. Having dealt with him pulling away twice now, I wasn’t willing to do it again.
My thoughts must have been stamped on my face because Nikolai reached over and grabbed my hand.
“Wait, listen. That was the part I used to avoid the most – the responsibility, the expectations. I admit, when I’m pissed or stressed, I tend to disengage from everyone. It’s not easy to just switch gears when I’ve been doing this for years.” His expression softened, his eyes wandering over my tense features. “But you’re not just anyone, Hannah. I don’t like the idea of you wondering why I’m not texting you back, causing you to worry, making you sad.” He finished and squeezed my hand in silent apology.
“So…?” I prompted him.
He sighed again. It was obvious discussing anything related to his feelings was deeply uncomfortable. “Jesus, Hannah.”
I grinned a little at his obvious exasperation. I knew he wanted me to take what he had said as an apology, a promise to do better, but I wanted him to say it. I patiently waited, choosing to look over the bruised knuckles of the hand holding mine.
“Okay, Hannah, I get it,” he smiled ruefully. “Yes, I promise to communicate with you, even if I’m pissed off.” I grinned widely at his admission, feeling my shoulders sag in relief.
I smiled and looked down at his battered hand. “You know, Nikolai, if you keep using your hands to fight, it’s going to interfere with other, much more interesting activities.” Even though this was the boldest thing I had ever uttered, and I felt kind of silly flirting like this, Nikolai’s eyes immediately flashed with heat, as he smiled in surprise, his shoulders now completely relaxed.
“If you think my hands are the most essential part of satisfying you, then I have a lot to teach you, Hannah,” Nikolai responded, his voice low and rumbly. I felt a shiver run up my spine at the thought of those lessons and smile coyly back at him. How did we switch gears like this? When we sat down, he had been so distant, and I felt so angry and betrayed. Now, all the tension was gone, leaving only attraction and affection.
As if he had the same thought, he abruptly stood up and pulled me up from the picnic table and into his arms, clutching me in crushing hug. I would have complained at the strength he was using, but I needed to feel his tight embrace, revel in the reassurance and security it created. He pulled back and held my face in his hands, his eyes open and warm now. He leaned in and gave me a sweet, deep kiss. He pulled back, looked at me once more, slung his arm over my shoulders and escorted me back to the cafeteria.
***
Nikolai gave me a ride to the coffee shop to meet Katya. After we had our talk, he was back to being his typical possessive self, escorting me to each class and waiting for me when I got out. I wondered how he was always there when I got out of my class. Did he leave all of his classes early?
“Do you need me to pick you up?” Nikolai asked as he pulled up to the coffee shop.
“No, I think Katya can drop me off,” I responded, gathering up all my belongings, preparing to get out of the Range Rover. Before I got anywhere, I felt Nikolai’s hand at the back of my neck and he pulled me to him to give me a kiss. It was sweet; he’d been sweet all day after our conversation, like he was trying to apologize with actions to compensate for his limitations with words.
“Text me when you get home, okay?” Nikolai said, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. Again, this request felt like another apology for last night’s lack of contact.
I nodded. “Okay.” I reached up and gave him one quick peck on the mouth before hopping out of the car and running up to the door of the cafe. I looked back and saw Nikolai still sitting there, watching me go in, so I waved again. He gave me that nod with his chin and put the car in reverse and drove away.
I walked in and saw Katya sitting by the window watching Nikolai drive away. She looked amazing, as usual, with the late afternoon sun making her long red hair shimmer. She shot me a victorious smile as I sat down.
“I saw that,” Katya said with happy accusation, I assumed in reference to Nikolai’s goodbye kiss.
“What?” I said, pretending to misunderstand. She socked me on the arm from across the table and I laughed. She asked me what I wanted, popped up to order our drinks and returned awkwardly carrying two lattes and a plate of pastries.
“Okay, tell me everything,” Katya said after she sat down and took a bite of a cinnamon roll.
I laughed and filled her in on what happened at the party, which seemed like a million years ago. Katya practically levitated with glee.
“I love it. Nikolai must be going crazy. I don’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend,” Katya commented with good-natured anticipation.
“Based on a couple of observations, I’m going to have to agree with you.” Although I meant the comment to be funny, Katya jerked her gaze back to mine and frowned.
“What observations?” She asked warily.
“Well, we were at Nikolai’s house and as we were leaving, he bumped into his father.” Katya’s eyes widened. “It did something to Nikolai. He just acted really weird. He shut down. I found out later he got into a huge fight with some guys from your school,” Katya winced at that, but I wasn�
�t sure if was on Nikolai’s behalf, or on the behalf of her school mates. “He wouldn’t talk to me or text me. I found him in the cafeteria, and we talked about it, and how he shuts down, but the fighting thing is still a somewhat controversial topic.” My tone of voice and expression must have conveyed the discomfort I still felt regarding Nikolai’s tendency towards violence because Katya reached over and grabbed my hand in sympathy.
“I’m so sorry, Hannah. Nikolai’s doesn’t have a good relationship with his father. I know Nikolai was showing more interest in joining his father at one point, but then pulled away, and it has made an already tense relationship much worse. It’s hard to have good relationship with your parents when this is their life. I would know, my father is in the same business.” Katya responded sadly. I figured this was how they knew each other, but I was glad to have it confirmed. Maybe I could ask some more in-depth questions about Nikolai and his father. “But Nikolai’s father is in charge, so that makes it much worse for Nikolai. His father is….” Katya drifted off, but her expression transformed into one of disgust and fear.
“Creepy? Gross?” I offered.
Katya gave a quick laugh. “Yes, both of those. I’ve never felt comfortable around him, but it’s gotten worse in the last couple of years. To be honest, my father isn’t much better. I try to avoid both as much as possible,” Katya said morosely.
“What happened to Nikolai’s mother?” I asked curious, but certain I wasn’t going to like the answer.
“I don’t know. She disappeared when Nikolai was nine.” Katya said, dropping her barely eaten cinnamon bun and staring forlornly out the window. “Same as my mom.”
“What?” I gasped. “I’m so sorry, Katya! Both your moms disappeared at the same time?”
Katya nodded and sighed and looked at me. “Sorry if I’m being a bummer, Hannah. I haven’t thought about this stuff in a while, even though it’s always sort of in the back of my mind.”
Nikolai (Dangerous Love Series Book 1) Page 17