by Shona Husk
‘Stop.’ Ed was pulling Dan away.
Gemma was at Mike’s side, just out of range. Mike blinked a couple of times, the adrenaline still hitting hard. He uncurled his fingers and slowly got to his feet. When he looked at Dan it was through a haze of red. The bastard had knocked him down.
People had stopped and turned. How much had they seen?
Gemma took Mike’s hand and drew him aside. ‘Shall I take you home?’
Mike dragged his attention back to her. Home. It wasn’t home. It was a share house because he was too broke to have anything else.
He closed his eyes, the sun too bright and the sky too blue. Ed and Dan were arguing. He didn’t want to be here. All that was here were his mother’s ashes. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t what he wanted to remember.
‘Yeah. I’m ready to leave.’ Maybe he needed a fresh start and a change of direction. He’d never be able to play their second album without thinking about death.
***
Gemma had dropped him home, asked if he wanted company and had left when he’d said he wanted to be alone even though this was also her home. He’d been surrounded by his band mates for the last few weeks. He wanted to be by himself.
He remembered pushing Dan over, it was a stupid thing to do, but where the hell did Dan get off telling him how to feel? Dan, whose parents were happily married in their fancy Mosman house. He had sisters. Family.
Mike stood in the empty house. The tin roof popped as it heated up.
All the things he hadn’t had growing up, he’d never noticed. His mum had done a damn good job. Had he ever told her that? Thanked her for all the sacrifices that she must have made? He didn’t know. It was too late now.
He lifted the cover on the piano and sat down. He stared at the keys. He’d hated piano lessons when he’d started them. It had been soon after his father had left and apparently he’d stopped talking to everyone. A teacher had suggested music. He didn’t know when he’d started to enjoy the lessons or when he’d decided he’d rather play than kick a football.
But he remembered meeting Ed on his first day of high school in music lesson. A soft smile formed and he played a few notes. That had been the first time he’d picked up a drumstick too. It had been him, Ed and Luke, until Dan had arrived halfway through the following year. For a couple of years they had mucked about in Ed’s garage. Mike’s bike had been his freedom to roam while his mum had worked. Then Luke had discovered girls and ditched the band. Mike had also discovered girls but music was in his blood by that stage. The three of them had played for themselves or Kirsten and her friend Gemma.
By the end of year twelve they were getting ready to pack it in. Dan and Ed were off to uni and he was too. They had ribbed him mercilessly about joining the military. It had seemed like a good idea. Getting paid to go to uni. Mum had been so proud.
His fingers faltered on the keys.
When he hadn’t left, something had changed. Gemma had started playing with them, and by the time his mum was in remission they were sounding good and writing—he and Ed had been writing bits and pieces before but … what was that saying about ten thousand hours to get good at something?
He changed tune; his fingers stumbled because he hadn’t played that piece for a while, but it was still there. He stumbled again. Maybe not.
The next thing that came from his fingers was the piano piece he’d thought of for a song that had ended up as Dan’s break-up piece, ‘Seppuku’. On its own it was what had kept him awake after his mother had told him the reason behind her recent migraines. He’d known. He’d just been in denial. For him that was what this music would always be. Him not wanting to see the truth even though it was there, painted red and screaming at him.
His mother’s death was all through the album.
He drew in a breath. He’d done it for her so she could hear it. She wanted him to find success. As much as he didn’t want to see his friends right now, he knew he was going to have to apologise to Dan. Mike had overreacted and he knew it. That wasn’t like him.
He paused, a G flat hanging in the air.
There was a knock on the door. He should ignore it. He sat for another few seconds then got up, stiffly. He’d been sitting for an hour, the house had grown darker … but he felt better, as though some balance had returned to the world.
He opened up the front door. Ava was standing there with a bag of what smelled like takeaway Chinese. ‘I didn’t think you’d feel like cooking.’
Mike looked at the bag and then her.
‘Here you go.’ She offered him the bag.
She hadn’t changed. She was still in the black dress. Had she gone out to get dinner straightaway? It was a bit early for dinner. However, he hadn’t eaten much lunch and it did smell good. Having company sounded better.
‘You can come in.’ He opened the door wider. At least she hadn’t been there to see Dan and him make a scene.
‘Did I interrupt? I could hear the piano.’
He shrugged. ‘I was just tinkering. Remembering.’ He shut the door and they went through to the kitchen. He went through the motions of getting out plates and cutlery, while she put water on the table. It was too normal and domestic.
‘Did you want a beer?’ She stood by the fridge.
‘No.’ He’d levelled Dan for drinking at the funeral and he couldn’t bring himself to drink while that was fresh in his mind. He set the table. ‘I’m sorry for avoiding you.’
‘It’s okay. I get it.’ Ava watched him as though she thought he was going to crack at any moment.
Was he? He didn’t think so. He was kinda flat. Done. Not good but off the rollercoaster he’d been on for the last three months. Is that why everything was odd? The waiting and uncertainty was over. It had happened and now he had to find a new normal. Whatever that was.
‘Did you come around as girlfriend or counsellor?’ He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Maybe next week or next month, but right now he didn’t want to think about it.
‘Girlfriend?’
He put his arms around her and drew her close. His cheek rested on the top of her hair. She leaned against him, her arms around his waist.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. He’d been a terrible boyfriend, while she’d done more than she needed to.
‘It’s okay.’
He inhaled; her hair smelled like vanilla and flowers. Dinner wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to feel something other than the gnawing emptiness that was chewing its way through him and sucking the life out of him.
‘Let me make it up to you.’ He’d made her a promise on the phone and he wanted to keep it. He stepped back and drew her towards his bedroom. ‘Come on.’
‘What about the food?’
He didn’t really care about eating food. ‘We can reheat it later. I missed you. I want you.’
She stopped resisting and followed.
***
Her heart was drumming hard against her ribs as he shut the bedroom door behind her. This felt different to last time. He kissed her softly, as though he expected her to take flight and flee.
Between kisses clothes were peeled off, her black dress pooling on the floor. His black suit joining it as though they could shed the sadness as simply. Was he with her or trying to block out reality?
His touch was sure while she was still tentative, his hands sliding over her hips pushing down her knickers while she fumbled with buttons. He helped, shedding the rest of his clothes before drawing her to his bed. It took up most of the room and seemed far too big for one. While she’d spent the night in it before, this time they weren’t here to sleep.
He’d made that clear.
She lay down, completely naked with him. He was already hard as he moved over her, kissing and touching. Every time she caressed his length she had no idea how it would fit … scientifically she knew it would. She wanted to know what it would feel like to have him inside of her. She was tired of waiting for the right time and the right person … Now felt
right.
Would it feel right in the morning or would she be filled with regret?
He kissed her stomach, his breath tickling her skin as he moved lower. His fingers glided over her inner thighs and she eased them apart. Need tumbling in her belly with the doubts.
Mike glanced up at her and smiled. ‘You want me to turn around?’
‘Turn around?’ It was one thing to suggest stuff on the phone when he was thousands of kilometres away, but another to be confronted with the very naked reality.
‘Changed your mind?’ He kissed a little lower; another inch and his tongue would be sliding against her.
‘No.’ She did want to try it … she hadn’t thought that today would be the day. She hadn’t thought that they’d be doing anything more than eating and talking.
He obviously didn’t want to talk.
He didn’t give her the chance to think it through any more, as he stretched out the other way on the bed. His erection now dangerously close to her face. Her fingers brushed his hard flesh. She knew the feel of him. Had stroked him to climax, but this was a little different.
His lips moved over her inner thigh, his beard tickling her skin. ‘Have you given head before?’
‘Yes … a while ago.’ And only a couple of times and with a condom.
He slid a finger between the lips of her vulva. ‘I’m not expecting you to swallow. I can put on a rubber if you prefer.’
She shivered and he was barely touching her. No, that wasn’t it and she knew that he’d appreciate not wearing one. ‘It’s not that … it’s the logistics.’
Lying on their sides, there were legs and it was not as easy as it seemed.
Mike rolled on to his back and drew her with him. She let out an undignified squeal of surprise. She wasn’t used to being picked up so easily. Her knees settled on either side of his head. She almost died there and then. While he’d been between her legs before, this was different; she was entirely open for him. Her face was burning and probably bright red.
‘Better?’ His voice was rougher. His hands slid up her thighs and over her butt. Before dragging her hips down. He obviously thought it was better. His tongue flicked across her skin.
So this was actually happening.
Okay. Make the most of it.
She leaned forward, closer to where his erection rested on his belly. It wasn’t only nerves coiling in her belly. Mike knew what he was doing and it was very distracting. She needed to distract him. She took hold of him and her stroke became more sure … then she tasted his skin and circled the crown. Once she started and gave into what was going on, she started to enjoy the tease between giving and getting.
When he eased one finger into her she rocked back, wanting more. As his tongue worked its magic she came, her breath catching as she rode out the wave. Her hand was wrapped around his shaft, the head so close to her lips. She’d already tasted him on her tongue … he’d want to come soon. She gave him another lick, taking her time now her attention wasn’t elsewhere. He was still touching her, her skin slippery. His fingers felt so good.
She was aching for more. The need still tightening her belly. It wasn’t wrong if she loved him. They were together. He wanted to be with her. They were this close already, what difference would it make if they did sleep together?
Everything and nothing.
Last time they’d been together she’d decided she didn’t want to wait. She wanted it to be him. That was her choice … and she would live with the consequences. She gave him a last lick and glanced up.
There were condoms in the drawer of his bedside table. She’d seen where he’d grabbed them from before. Her heart was thumping, but with the decision made, the nerves had untangled.
She stretched forward and opened the drawer.
‘What are you doing?’ He tried to pull her back, but she had what she was after … a string of them.
‘I want you.’ She pulled one off. She was starting to think. What if he was just using her to get through this? She was falling for that game. What if she was using him? She was going to lose her virginity in a rock star’s bed. The thought made her smile.
‘You got me. I can’t get up … not sure I want to.’ He kissed her clit, the cold of his lip ring pressed against her skin. His tongue pressed into her.
She shivered, but rolled the condom on. She was sure she heard him give a mournful groan. He didn’t understand what she wanted. She had to say it. ‘I’m going to turn around now.’
His hands remained on her hips. ‘Why … I thought you wanted this?’
‘I want you.’ She said it more slowly and with more certainty as she gently pulled away. Should she be on top or on the bottom?
He propped himself up and looked at her. His brown eyes were dark with lust. He looked like he was ready to pounce. He really wanted her. Not because she was naked in his bed or happened to be convenient. It was more than that, even though he hadn’t said it. ‘Are you sure? You can’t get a refund later.’
She nodded.
He raised his eyebrows.
‘I’m sure.’ Not one hundred per cent … she was down to about ninety-five per cent sure. If he kept asking, she was sure that would keep dropping. ‘Umm.’ She glanced at him, still sprawled on the bed as if he were completely comfortable. ‘I’ve never done this bit before.’
‘I haven’t done this in nearly ten years. And I didn’t know what I was doing that time.’ He sat up, wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and then kissed her. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘I want to.’ Ninety per cent. ‘Just stop asking because it’s making me nervous.’
‘You shouldn’t be nervous … okay, maybe you should be. I don’t know.’ He went back to kissing her. Together they lay back on the bed. He was leaning over her, his legs tangling with hers, his shaft against her hip. As his fingers eased into her, she rocked her hips.
She needed more.
While her eyes were closed and she was distracted, he moved over her. Nerves, excitement, lust. She wasn’t sure that she could breathe.
‘If you want me to stop, tell me, okay? I’m not going to be pissed.’ He nuzzled into her neck, tickling her with every kiss. Then he was there, nudging at her entrance.
She spread her legs a little further, but he wasn’t in a rush. He rocked his hips against hers and she moved with him. The pressure increased and he was pushing in, then he stopped.
It hurt, but not as much as she’d thought it would. It was more … uncomfortable. Guess all the other stuff they’d been doing had made it easier.
‘Okay?’ he asked, dead serious.
‘Yes.’ She wanted him to move, to get past this point. Even if they stopped now, it was done. There was no fanfare and no demons. Just Mike trying to remain very still in case he hurt her. He was looking at her as if he was expecting her to break.
‘You want more?’ He kissed her, withdrawing ever so slightly.
‘Uh-huh.’ She drew in a breath as he sank deeper into her.
He groaned and took several measured breaths. ‘I’m not going to last long after all the teasing with your tongue.’
His tongue had definitely done the better job, making her come before she’d got him close … or had he been closer than she’d thought? He moved slowly, and while she could feel the build-up of another climax, the discomfort was distracting.
He gave another couple of thrusts, the last one deeper, and she realised he’d been holding back. His lips found hers and he stilled, with a small groan that she’d heard more than once before, as he came.
So that was sex.
She was pretty sure it would be better next time, but she was kind of liking being this close to Mike. He brushed a strand of hair off her face and kissed her again, lightly. But he was still looking at her with that intense kind of stare.
‘What?’ Should she be concerned?
‘Nothing. I was just wondering how I ended up so lucky.’
Before she could say anything else, he was pu
lling away. The ache between her legs was entirely different this time. She watched as he ditched the rubbish, then gathered up all the clothes.
She started dressing. She hadn’t come around with this plan in mind. Not that she regretted it. She glanced out the window. It was almost dark. She was missing her family dinner. When she looked at Mike, she knew where she’d rather be.
***
Ava got home later than she intended. She recognised her father’s car parked on the street. Damn it. No doubt he’d already seen hers, but he was the last person she wanted to see right now. She could smell Mike on her skin. For a moment it felt as though there was a neon sign flashing above her car proclaiming what she’d done. However, there was no sign and no one would ever know except Mike and her. No one needed to know. And it was none of their damn business.
She parked on the front lawn and took a moment to gather her things and her thoughts. Her body still twinged. She regretted not staying the night already, but Gemma and Kirsten had arrived back while she and Mike were eating dinner. And while he’d introduced her as his girlfriend, she’d seen the look of shock on their faces.
They hadn’t known that he was seeing anyone; she hadn’t exactly been telling people either. There had been too many questions and she wasn’t ready for them. All she’d wanted to do was rationalise what had happened in her own mind.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, it had been a good idea, and she had wanted it. It was just that now, everything had changed. In her rear-view mirror she watched as her father got out of his car. He didn’t look like he was ready for an argument, but then she could count on one hand the number of times she’d ever heard her parents argue—all of them after his mother had moved in.
She swore again, erased the annoyance from her face and went with resignation. It had been a long and odd but interesting day. When she got out of the car he was waiting. He looked at her black dress—did he think that she’d lied about the funeral?
‘How is your boyfriend?’
‘I think he’ll be okay. It wasn’t a shock, but it is no less devastating.’