“I think it’s time you boys go and leave us girls alone to relax,” Jane piped up.
Brody came over and rubbed my belly. “Bye my sweet girls.” He looked down at me. “I’ll have my cell, but I won’t be late.”
“Go, we’ll be just fine. Stop stressing.” I pushed him toward Damon. “Help me out Damon.”
“Come on dude, before you actually hand over your balls willingly,” Damon said, ragging on Brody. He earned himself a swift, stiff right jab to the shoulder. “Damn, man. Fuckin’ with ya. Jesus.”
“All right fucker, let’s roll. Lei.” He looked over his shoulder with hooded eyes. “We will finish our conversation when I get home.”
I tried so hard not to smile as I shook my head. The not smiling? Epic fail. I was in a ton of trouble. I needed to figure this shit out and fast.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
~Leila~
Jane and I sat in the family room on the sofa watching TV as Ruger gnawed on a thick bone on the floor. It was around 10:00 p.m. when I decided to call it a night. As I started to leave Jane stopped me, taking my hand in her well-manicured fingers.
“If you’re still awake when Brody gets home, I do wish you would speak with him dear. He’s trying so hard to do right by you both. Please just hear him out. He’s not been the same since you left.” Jane frowned.
“What do ya mean?”
“The first month after you left here, he did nothing but go to work, come home, and drink that nasty scotch until he passed out. Then he’d wake up the next morning, usually in the study at the desk. He’d take a shower, then repeat the process again.”
“Oh,” I squeaked out softly. I wasn’t sure what else to say.
Jane continued. “Around November it started to get better. He didn’t seem as angry. He started talking to me again. When I say talking I mean he would give me more than the yes or no answers he had been during the first month.
“He told me everything that happened in New York. I tried to help him, but he wouldn’t listen to anyone. The good Lord above could’ve come down himself and Brody would’ve just shrugged it off.”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do Jane. I do. But I just don’t know if I can trust him with my heart again.” My throat constricted as I spoke.
“Oh Leila, I know he messed up something horrible baby, but I genuinely believe everyone deserves a second chance.”
“That’s the problem Jane. If I give him a second chance, then it stands to reason that Jaxon should get one too.” I sighed and slouched back into the couch. “I don’t know what to do. I mean, if it was just me, that’d be one thing. But I have this tiny human growing inside of me to think about, and I want better for her than what I had.” I rubbed my belly as the peanut turned over.
“My dad walked out on my mom and left her alone with two kids. Now I have two men, who claimed to love me, and they both walked out on me. Granted, they both came back, but what’s to stop them from doing it again. I don’t want my daughter feeling like it’s her fault.”
“I’m sure your momma told you on more than one occasion, his leaving wasn’t your fault, but if not, I’m saying it now. That was not your fault. You can’t punish either of them for what your dad did honey, they’re not the same men.” She leaned back and tucked her feet under her on the soft, gray suede couch. “I don’t know Jaxon. I don’t know anything about how you feel about him or how he treats you. For those reasons alone, I can’t help you make this decision. And I wouldn’t anyway. That is for you to decide. Just be true to yourself and follow your heart. Love never fails.”
I leaned over and wrapped Jane up in my arms and whispered, “Thank you.”
“Anytime, sweet girl. Brody’s not the only one here who loves you.” She pulled away and held my face between her hands. “Regardless of what you decide, I will always be there for you. Now go, get some sleep and I will see you at breakfast tomorrow.”
“G’night Jane.”
“Sweet dreams honey.” She picked up her tablet and cleared our glasses. Shortly after I climbed in bed, I heard her tell Ruger to go to bed. A minute later a cold wet nose nudged my arm.
“Come on, big dog, hop up here for a little since B’s not here to holler at us.” I patted the bed and he hopped up. He curled up in the crook of my legs. I picked up my tablet from the bedside table and noticed my indicator light was flashing on my phone. Two missed calls, one from Barb and one from Jaxon.
I called Jax back first, and he answered on the third ring. The noise in the background was so loud I wondered how he would even be able to hear me.
“Hey babe.” His voice made me shiver.
“Hey Jax. You busy? I just wanted to call you back, but if you’re busy you can call me tomorrow.”
“Nah, I’m good. You wanna talk?” he asked.
As I got ready to say yes, I heard a woman’s voice. “Hey Remi you wanna another beer babe?”
“Well, I was gonna say yeah, but it sounds like you’re a little busy. I’ll letcha go. Call me when you’re done with your lap dance.”
“Wait!” he yelled into the phone. “It’s not what you’re thinkin’ Lei. I swear.”
“Yeah, that’s what you said last time.” I was about to hang up when he stopped me.
“I’m sitting at the bar with Viper and Mark. It was the bartender babe. Hand to God. You can ask my brothers,” he insisted.
“No, I know they’d say anything you wanted them to. Seriously, just do whatever it is you’re doing. It’s none of my business Jax. Call me tomorrow and we’ll talk then. Good night.”
“Leila just wait a min—” He tried to stop me before I hung up. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t in the mood.
“Think I’ll just read for a while Ru. I guess I need to get used to you being the one who cuddles with me at night again, huh buddy?” Ruger opened his eyes slightly, sighed and curled back down into the bed.
My phone chimed as a text came in from Jaxon. He told me he’d try to call me tomorrow but that he had some club business to handle and he’d be on the road for the next week or so. I sent him a text back, with all of the hostility and passive aggression I could muster.
Well if you can pull yourself away from your ever more important club business, then by all means call. If not, I get it. The club comes first. Be safe.
It wasn’t long before he replied.
Babe pls dont b like that. u know its business, I cant say no. I promise I WILL call u 2moro I love u Lei
I was tired and cranky at this point.
U can say no, u just choose not 2. Just like when I was n the hosp u chose 2 walk away. not me YOU. u cld say no but u wont. the club will always come 1st w/u. & I dont know if I can accept that
I didn’t wait for a reply this time. I set the phone on the bedside table and opened my tablet to forget it all for a while and just read.
I heard the buzz of the phone vibrating on the bedside table. Even though I told myself I wasn’t going to look, I looked.
Leila u come 1st. I’ll expln evrythng when we talk. I cldnt hv said no, but this business is almst done. And 4 the record u & OUR daughter will always come 1st. I cnt say anymore rght now but I WILL expln. Evrythng ive done, ive done for us. Pls wait & let me expln 2moro. I love you. pls remember that.
I read and reread his text. It felt cryptic. Everything he’s done, he’s done for us. What the hell does that mean? I lay there trying to understand his message. Before too long, I was out cold.
*****
~Jaxon~
Feeling her slipping away, I decided I needed to try to explain what was going on without giving her too many specifics. I was stressing about her reaction. It was entirely possible she’d walk away when she found out the truth. When she found out what I had been doing all this time.
Looking down at the text she sent, I ordered another beer. Viper just shook his head. “Damn man, never thought I’d see the day when you were so fuckin’ pussy whipped.”
“Fuck off V. Ma
ybe if Barb would let you get close to something other than her fuckin’ pussy you’d get it.”
“Nah. Don’t need it. Don’t want it. Only thing she wants is my dick, and I’m good with that. Ain’t got time for any-fuckin’-thing else.”
“You got no clue man. When you finally get it, and I mean really get it, you won’t care who thinks you’re pussy whipped or thinks you’ve handed over your nuts. The only thing that will matter is her.”
“That’s never happenin’ man. Never,” Viper said with a chuckle.
Finishing my beer, I dragged myself from the bar to my room here at the compound. It was a small barebones room with only a bed and dresser. Attached to the room was a small bathroom with a stand-up shower, sink and toilet, more than enough for me when I decided to crash here.
Entering the bathroom, I reached in and turned on the hot water, stripped down and stepped past the clear shower curtain into the steamy water. Standing there in the three-by-three-foot area, I let the water cascade over my face. The stress of the last few weeks hung from my shoulders like forty-five pound plates. Once I could tell her the truth, it would lighten the burden. The worst part was not knowing if telling her the truth will endanger her or our relationship.
Drying off, I pulled on a pair of athletic shorts from the top dresser drawer, checked my phone one last time and climbed into bed. I tossed and turned most of the night before I finally found sleep.
*****
~Leila~
The clock read 12:49 a.m. when I woke up and Brody was climbing into his bed with me. I started to protest, but then he tucked in behind me. Under the comforter this time. I was wearing a thin, spaghetti strapped tank and pajama pants. Jaxon’s pajama pants to be exact. From what I could feel, Brody only had on boxer briefs. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me back against him, nuzzling into the crook of my neck. When he started to babble incoherently, I could smell the alcohol on him.
“God Lei, I miss you so fuckin’ much it hurts. I know I said I needed you to be sure, but I just want to hold you and never let you go. I can’t think straight ’cause you’re all I think about. I know I’m an asshole and I don’t deserve you, but for tonight can we just pretend I didn’t fuck up. Just for a few hours let me hold you,” he pleaded.
I was no closer to a decision than I was yesterday. I tried to figure it out, but I was so torn. I loved Jaxon, but some part of me might still love Brody. If I let myself be here in this moment with Brody I knew the remorse would eat me alive. I wasn’t sure if things were completely done with Jaxon and I still wore the flawless diamond engagement ring he gave me on Valentine’s Day. I could see the hurt and pain on Jaxon’s face if I’d have to tell him about such an intimate moment with Brody.
Ugh. What do I do?
Just then I heard Jane’s voice in my head. Follow your heart. Love never fails.
If I could quiet the raging, sex-starved lioness in my panties, I might just be able to hear my heart.
“Baby?” Brody was waiting for an answer. Only I didn’t have one. I wanted so badly to just enjoy the moment and just feel. Not think. Not decide. Just hold onto him and give into my desires, but all I could think about was Jaxon’s text. Pls wait. I had to put a stop to all of this and figure this out because it wasn’t fair to Brody or Jaxon.
“Brody, you’re drunk. I don’t think this is a good idea,” I tried to reason with him. “You need to go get some sleep. Please.”
And by doing that I was making a decision. The fact of the matter was that they both screwed up, royally. They’ve both apologized and swore to fix it. Brody had pushed everything and everyone aside when I needed him. When we needed him, he stepped up. But Jaxon rearranged his whole life for me just a few short months ago. He built us a home. A nursery. I wasn’t sure if I could handle the club business bullshit. It was always super-secret squirrel shit with him, which required a massive level of trust.
But if I can get past Brody’s fuck-up, then I should be able to get over Jaxon’s. Right?
While I was waging war in my own head, Brody was still lying half-naked behind me. “You want me to go?”
His hurt rang out loud and clear. I knew after he kissed me things would get confused and fucked up. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I needed to be honest.
“Brody you’ve been drinking and we need to all sit down and talk. I can’t keep doing this. It’s stressing me out and I can’t take it. Please, can we just talk in the morning?” I begged.
He was quiet for a minute. “Yeah, all right.” He sighed loudly and rolled out of the bed. “We gotta get this shit figured out Lei ’cause this”—he motioned between us—“this shit is fuckin’ me up.” Then he left.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
~Leila~
It was Monday morning just after 8:00 a.m. I assumed Brody had already left for work, so I started getting myself ready for my day. After finishing in the bathroom, I walked into Brody’s closet, where he insisted I put my clothes. The dresses Brody bought me late last summer still hung delicately from the velvet hangers. The dazzling Jimmy Choos sat below. He never replaced his clothes in the space he cleaned out for me. I pulled a pair of maternity jeans off the hanger and grabbed a fitted white cowl-neck sweater. I was sitting on the upholstered chair in the closet struggling to reach my feet to put socks on when I heard him.
“You want some help with that?”
I looked up and there he stood. As sexy as the day was long, in his black Dolce & Gabbana suit, crisp white shirt and charcoal tie.
“No. I can do this,” I said, looking back down. I tried to lean further toward my foot. I was infuriated that I couldn’t even reach my own feet anymore. “Ya know what, this is bullshit. I don’t need socks anyway. I’m gonna wear my flip-flops.”
I gave up and threw the socks on the floor in a tizzy. I got my fat ass up off the chair and retrieved my flip-flops.
“It’s okay to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered.” He looked on annoyed. “Jane has breakfast ready.”
“Yeah, all right. I’ll be there in a minute.” I said and glared at him.
He shook his head and muttered something on his way out of the closet. I thought about asking what his problem was, but thought better of it. I needed to eat before I got into with him about last night.
After breakfast Brody left for the office. We barely spoke all morning. Around noon, my phone rang.
“You want me to grab that for you sweetie?” Jane popped up from the couch next to me in the living room, where we were listening to music and chatting.
She was already halfway there. “Could you please so it doesn’t go to voicemail.”
“Hello?” she said and walked back toward me.
“Of course dear, she’s right here. Everything is fine. She was just on the couch. You know, she doesn’t move too quickly these days.” Holding out the phone, she said, “It’s Jaxon honey.”
“Thanks Jane.” I took the phone as I tried to get off the couch. My feet were tucked under me so I was having some difficulties.
“You stay there, I was gonna take Ruger out to the barn to check on the horses.” Jane turned, whistled and exited through the French doors onto the veranda.
“Hey,” I spoke softly.
“Hi baby. You okay?” His rough voice, shot straight to my core.
“Yeah, better now.” I settled back down into supple leather. “Where are you?”
“It’s best you not know right now. I know I said I’d explain and I will, but first you need to know that I meant what I said. Baby, you come first, but there was shit going down that I had no control over. Heavy shit, but this bullshit’s almost over. I can’t go into specifics. All I can tell you is that we think someone within the club is trying to use our connections to run their own shit. That’s all I can say and I shouldn’t’ve said that much, but I owed you some sort of explanation. Once it’s settled things’ll go back to normal. I’ll be home more.” He sounded sincere.
“Jaxon, I get someth
ing’s going down, but I needed you. Fighting or not, I was scared and I needed you more than anyone else. I really want to be able to forgive you, but in order to do that you need to be here. Fighting for me. For us.”
“Babe, if you can just hang in there for a little while longer I will be. We’re so close. And then I’ll be home and we can get this shit figured out.”
My pregnancy-hormone-haze brain to mouth filter stopped working. Because before I knew it, I blurted out, “Brody is still in love with me and wants me to move back in here with him permanently. He wants us to move in here. Me and the baby.”
Oh goodie. That was smart Leila. Antagonize the poor man while he’s in God only knows what sort of danger.
“Okay,” he gritted out. “I pretty much knew that since he waltzed his preppy ass back into our life Lei. Did you figure this out all on your own or did he tell you?”
Wait one fucking minute…who in the hell was I on the phone with? My Jaxon would have flipped his shit.
“Uhh, um, well, he sort of said it yesterday. He also wants all of us to sit down and hash this out.” I stumbled over my words still reeling from his reaction. Or lack thereof.
“Good, I told you I do too. But before we do that, you need to sit down with him and tell him straight up that you’re mine.”
“Am I? Yours?” I asked sincerely. Honestly, I didn’t know the answer to that question anymore.
“What?” he asked in disbelief. “What did you just ask me?”
“I asked if I was still yours. I’ve seen you, what, maybe twice in the last five weeks. Talked to you maybe a handful of times.” I was starting to get upset. “That doesn’t seem like any sort of relationship to me. For God’s sake, you didn’t even come to the hospital that night. Club or not, I begged you.” I couldn’t help it, I sobbed. “In voicemail after voicemail, I pleaded. For the last five weeks we haven’t been together. So yeah, I am asking you for a serious answer. Am I still yours? Because for the last month I haven’t thought you were mine. You certainly haven’t acted like it.”
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