by M. R. Joseph
Tonight is quiet. I sit here on a side street waiting for cars speeding so I can make my quota for the week. As I sit here in the quiet of the night my thoughts always go back to that night I stopped Harlow. How I embarrassed her with my stupid sobriety test. It makes me smile. The good memories always make me smile.
A car whizzes by me, startling me from my daydream. Shit! Here we go. I turn on my lights and take after the car. It has to be going over eighty. The car is pulling over and I see it's a BMW SUV X3, Jersey plates, and I can hear screams coming from the car. I approach the car with caution, calling for back up as I do so, my hand placed on my gun that is still in the holster. I call out to the driver, "Step out of the vehicle slowly with your hands on top of your head." The driver tries to speak over the screams of a woman. My car lights are still flashing so when he exits the car I can tell it's a man. He steps out doing exactly what I told him to do and yells, "Officer, my wife is in labor. We are on our way to the hospital. I...I don't think she'll make it there. Please help us." I tell him to turn around as the woman continues to scream and I realize it's Jeff, Harlow's brother-in-law.
Holy shit!
"Jeff? What the hell?"
His eyes go wide when he sees it's me.
"Oh, Jesus, Cruz. It's Greta. She's...she's in labor. I mean really in labor." We both run to the other side of the car. Greta has her seat reclined all the way back and is crying and screaming in pain. I look at her and bend down to her level. Her eyes are shut tightly.
"Greta, Greta, it's Cruz. I’m here to help."
Her eyes shoot open and she's crying hysterically.
"Oh God, Cruz. The baby...it's coming, ow, ow, ow. I know it is. I...I can feel it. Help me."
Oh my God. She's going to have this kid right here, right now. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Think Cruz. Think damn it.
I spring into action. I have no choice.
"Okay, Jeff do you have a blanket in the car somewhere?" He nods yes.
"Good, lay it in the back seat. Greta can you put your arm around my neck and I'll lift you into the back."
"I can't," she cries out. "I can't move. If I do this kid is going to pop right out."
I put my hand on her head and stroke her hair.
"No, no it's not but you need to get in the back and lay down until we can get some help here. Please, Greta, listen to me."
She nods and Jeff lays the blanket in the back. I lift Greta from the front seat and ease her into the back. She lies down, clutching her swollen belly.
"Jeff, I have to push, please, I can't help it."
Oh, Christ. I’m going to have to look and see what's going on down there. Lady parts that don't belong to a girl I haven't had sex with. Why me? Why me?
She has a nightgown on and I tell her in my strongest voice to lift it up.
I call for an ambulance from my radio attached to my shoulder.
"We need an ambulance at the corner of Mullens Avenue and Fairfield Boulevard immediately. We have a woman in labor who was on route to the hospital, but I don't think she's going to make the ride."
Greta sits up and her jaw drops. Jeff is on the other side of the car with the door to the back passenger seat open. He cradles Greta's head in his hands and when her night gown is hitched up, I look, not that I really want to but I have zero choice at this point in time and I see...dear God. I can see the top of the kid’s head. I have to act fast. I mean, really fast. I have to get my head together that this is really happening.
I swallow hard. "Greta, I can see the top of the baby's head. You have to push and now. Do you understand?"
She nods through her tears and Jeff is as pale as a ghost and I can’t wait to get my hands on some soap and water.
"Greta, are you ready to do this? It's okay. It'll be okay. Trust me."
I can here the sirens in the distance but we can't wait, this baby is coming.
"Okay, Greta now push with all the strength you have."
She bears down and all this liquid goo oozes out.
Holy Christ.
I whip off my jacket quickly and lay it next to her. My heart is racing.
She's still screaming she's in pain, that it hurts and by the looks of it, she sure as fuck is. I’m so fucking glad I’m a dude.
"Another one, Greta. The head’s almost out." She pushes again and just like that, the little head pops out, eyes wide open, looking right at me like a freaking alien. Its eyes are huge and start to blink.
I feel like I’m dreaming, like I’m in an alternate universe or something, but one more push should do it. I gently grab hold of the baby's head. Greta is incredible. I can see that she is in between contractions as her face is less agonized. I think if she pushes once more, the baby will come out. Holy crap, what the hell am I doing?
“Greta, you need to push once more.”
She does. More liquid. More blood. A tiny little person is suddenly in my hands. It's not crying and looks a little bluish in color, but its eyes are still open so my instinct kicks in. It's not breathing. Is it choking on that freaking goo? I take my finger and open its mouth and swipe inside. Goo comes out and I turn her upside down for a second, I swipe inside once more and the kid starts to cry. Some sort of rope is attached to it and I turn it over and realize it's attached to inside of Greta.
What the fuck is that?
"What...what is it?"
I smile up at Greta, still trying to get my head around everything that just happened.
"It's...a girl." I lay the tiny girl on her mother’s chest and take my jacket and lay it on top of both of them to keep them warm. I see Jeff kiss Greta, then the top of his baby girl who is currently screaming her head off. I step my head out of the car and the ambulance pulls up. The EMTs rush over and survey the situation. I look down at my uniform which is covered in baby goo and blood and I walk slowly back to my car so I can process it all.
I just delivered a baby. A baby. A baby? My God.
The head EMT asks me questions as I see the other place Greta on a gurney and lift her into the back of the ambulance. Jeff climbs in behind her and sits and holds her hand. The both of them look peaceful, happy, and are crying like fools.
I tell the EMT I know them personally and that I would like to escort them to the hospital to make sure all is well.
I wait until they pull up to the ER and wheel her out of the ambulance. I climb out of the car and Jeff is waiting there in front. I walk over and he just grabs a hold of me, crying like a baby.
"Cruz, you...thank you. You saved her. My baby girl. I don't know how to thank you."
He lets go of me and wipes away his tears. A few cars race up to the entrance and I see Mr. and Mrs. Hannum rush up. I step away letting them have their moment with Jeff. They hug him and ask what happened.
"She was having pain for a few hours but we figured it was the five tacos she ate earlier, but then the pains got worse and her water broke and we panicked so we called the doctor and he told us to get here so we jumped in the car but the pains were coming so quick and then we got pulled over." I don’t think Jeff took a breath as he said all that. He motions to me. The Hannum's eyes grow wide.
"Cruz?" Mrs. Hannum asks. "What? I’m so confused."
Jeff steps in and explains, "He delivered the baby. He pulled us over for speeding. He didn't know it was us and what was going on."
Another car pulls up and it's Craw's and out of the passenger I see her and my heart stops.
Craw grabs a hold of Harlow's hand and pulls her toward us. She stops in her tracks when she sees me. I’m mesmerized and I can't take my eyes away. Oddly, neither can she. With all the commotion of what's going on, she is still and silent and looks straight at me.
Craw goes over and hugs his parents. They explain to him what happened. Jeff called them from the ambulance but just told them Greta had the baby.
"She was blue." He tells them. "She wasn't breathing. Cruz saved her." Mrs. Hannum engulfs me in a tight hug and Mr. Hannum gra
sps my shoulder and shakes his head with a huge grin on his face. A nurse comes out and tells them to go ahead in and see Greta and the baby. The Hannums let go and Annabelle winks at me. "You done good, kiddo. We'll talk later." They all walk in except Craw who is still outside with my Turnip. She is motionless. Craw turns to her.
"Har, you okay?" She nods. "You'll tell me everything later, dude?" I nod and he gives me a bro hug and thanks me.
So here we are, Harlow and I doing a stare down. Something we used to do all the time, but her face is different. Solemn. I take off my hat and scratch at my head breaking our gaze. She walks my way slowly until she's in front of me. She's wearing her old flannel pajama pants and flip-flops. I love those pajama bottoms.
She looks down at my shirt, covered in baby stuff and blood, then back up to my face. She touches my shirt, her fingers trembling, tears in her eyes, and she jumps and throws her arms around my neck, sobbing into my shoulder. My arms do not immediately go around her tiny body, but hang there until I can't stand it anymore and I wrap my arms around her. I hold her. It's been so long since I’ve held her.
I’m holding her. My love.
I go to stroke her perfect head, run my hand through her perfect hair, but I don't.
She is my love, my everything, but I’m not hers.
How can I let her go? How could I have let her go? I should not have ever let her go.
She pulls away and touches my face and it's so hard. It's so hard to have her touch me, to have her hands on my skin. It's a combination of pain and bliss and I can't figure out which one it is right now. When I look at her I see heart break. I see loss. I see an angel before me.
She takes her hand away from my face and shakes her head.
"How is it that you are always the constant hero?"
She smiles and I see her freckles and pale blue eyes sparkle at me like fucking sun showing through a cluster of clouds.
"I’m not a hero, Harlow. I had to do what I had to do." I say it simply, shrugging it all off.
She rolls her eyes at me and her face gets serious. "No, you are. Don't you ever lose sight of that. You saved the baby. Please don't downgrade that."
When she calls me a hero, I feel ashamed. I’m no hero. I did a job. I wanted to be her hero, I wanted to rescue her from all the pain, take her away from all the pain, and I thought I could do it once she woke up. But I wasn’t the hero I had wanted to be.
It didn't go that way.
We stand there, and I try not to look right at her. That's an impossibility. It doesn't work like that. I long to look at her. You can't stop something that you have no control over.
"You're a mess. Your uniform. I can't believe you did it." I shrug. Craw comes out the ER doors and calls out to Harlow.
"Har, Greta wants to see you. Cruz, you coming?"
She looks at me excitedly and motions for me to come along.
I can't go in there. I did my part.
"No, man. This is for family. Besides I have to go to the station now and file a report on what happened. Paperwork and shit. You know how it goes."
Craw nods and goes back inside. Harlow dips her head and takes in a deep breath.
"I can't thank you enough for what you did. I can't wait to see her. I can't believe it's a girl."
"Yeah, she's a cute little thing."
She chuckles. "I better go. Let's um...how about we all go out for drinks soon? Let Craw know when you have time off and we'll make it happen. I think Porter is coming home next week."
"Yeah, he called and told me ’cause Max's band is playing at a place not too far from here."
"Great. Sounds great. Well I better go. I'll see you soon then?"
I nod at her. "Absolutely."
She gets on her tiptoes and plants a sweet kiss on my cheek, and for the split second it happens, I close my eyes and savor the moment. My chest constricts my heart and as much as I don't want the contact to stop, I need it to because it's painful.
She hobbles through the doors without turning around and I stand there like an idiot until I lose sight of her.
My sweet girl.
Every time I see her and every time she walks away it causes my heart to break a little more, but I'll take the heartache if it allows me to see her.
***
A week has gone by since little Avery Anne Davenport was brought into this world by me. Christ, I still can't believe I delivered a baby. Harlow's sister's baby. Jeff and Greta called a few days after the birth. They asked me to come over to their house. Not sure why, and I didn't ask either. They already said thank you.
Craw is coming with me. Tomorrow night, Max's band is playing at a spot downtown, and Porter is home for a few days. I haven't seen either of them since I moved here so I’m going to take advantage of my night off from my work and studies.
We pull up to the palatial house of Greta and Jeff. I called Bella and asked her what I should bring the baby. I have no idea what to get a girl. I buy Matteo trucks and balls and shit. Little girls, that's a whole different world going on there.
Craw gives their front door a few knocks and opens the door, I walk in behind him. Their home is beautiful. It's fancy, like Greta, and it's nothing like Harlow. When Harlow was in the coma and the hours were long and I would just sit and stare at her, I'd think about what our home would be like. I'd think she would use vivid colors to paint the walls inside our home. The windows of our home would be large, allowing sunlight to bask a warm glow on the painted walls. Pictures of family and friends would hang on the walls. I'd come home from work the same time she would and we'd kiss hello, crack open a few beers, cook dinner together and talk about our days. We'd eat together, laugh together, and give into the sexual energy we both have for each other. I'd bury myself in her for the rest of the night. To me, that's what our life would be like. To me that would be bliss.
That got me through the worst of days. The days when I thought I'd given up hope. Then the reality destroyed the dream.
Greta stands in the foyer of the house holding a pink blanket and a little tiny face is peeking out of it.
She whispers, "Hey guys, come in." We follow her into the living room. Jeff is there and stands up to shake both our hands.
Craw automatically goes and steals the baby from his sister. He's a baby guy.
"Give me my niece." He's a natural where I don't think I am. I got better as Matteo got older, but the new ones with their lack of muscle control and pooping and peeing every five minutes, I’m not so sure.
I forget about the small gift bag that I brought in so I hand it to Greta as she takes a seat next to me.
"For the baby." She takes it and smiles.
She takes it out of the bag and unwraps the pink tissue paper that it's wrapped in.
She gasps and covers her mouth with her hand.
"It's so beautiful!"
I went to a store that sells engraved shit and estate jewelry and I picked out a small sterling silver jewelry box with the baby's name on it. I didn't know what to do. Bella told me to go there and I walked around the store like some kind of idiot but something shiny caught my eye. It wasn't the jewelry box, either. Staring me in the face was this ring. I’ve never really even taken a glance at jewelry before, no reason to, but this ring made me look. A blue stone surrounded by little diamonds in a circle. Blue like her eyes, and the sparkle like everything else about her. I call her a diamond in the rough. I think I stared at it forever.
‘Looking at the ring, it wasn’t hard to imagine getting down on one knee and asking for Harlow’s hand in marriage. She would keep glancing at her hand, admiring the ring. Truth is everything I thought of was in fact the opposite.
Greta kisses my cheek and thanks me again for the jewelry box. She sure has come a long way. She didn't really have time for me when Harlow and I were together. She was getting married and her grandmother had her claws into her. Since Granny is out of the picture and her influences no longer affect Greta, she realizes how she had been acting.
<
br /> "Cruz, I know Jeff and I thanked you on the phone but we needed to thank you in person. You saved Avery. If you weren't there...God knows—" I stop her and pat her hand.
"It was my job, Greta. I’m really happy for you guys."
Greta and Jeff and even Craw exchange glances, then look to me.
"Cruz, we have a favor to ask of you. Since we consider you Avery's hero and kind of a guardian angel we want to ask you to be one of her Godfather's. You and Craw."
I hear what she asks me but not really.
"You, you want what? Greta, I don't know if that's a good idea. Things are a bit awkward, you know with Harlow and all. I’m not sure it's the most comfortable situation."
She looks a bit sad but nods her head in understanding, then grabs the baby from Craw and places her in my arms, and I am suddenly in what some would call awe. At first it feels awkward to hold something so fragile and small in my hands, but then I adjust myself so that I’m cradling her head in my hands and her body rests on my thighs. Avery opens her eyes as soon as she's placed in my arms like she knows me. I was the first thing she saw when she was born. They can see when they first come out, right? I have no idea what I’m thinking except that for some odd reason, holding this tiny baby girl in my hands feels, I don't know, right? Yes. That's the word. Right. Natural. And just like that I found my natural. Out of all the fucking things. This kid makes me know what the natural really is. I can be a father. I think I want to be a father. I can be the father mine wasn't. Words escape me for a few moments. Avery grunts a few times and Greta reaches over and caresses her tiny daughter’s head.
"It's amazing how you can fall in love with something instantaneously. From the very first second. The love just comes naturally." Greta doesn't look at me when she's speaking because I keep glancing in her direction. Her focus is on Avery.
"Greta, can I ask you a question?"
She smiles down at Avery and says softly, "Of course." Little tiny bubbles come out of Avery's mouth as she grunts again and Greta takes a cloth thingy and wipes at her tiny mouth.
"Does Harlow know about you asking me to be one of her godfathers?"