by M. R. Joseph
They look at each other and I’m pretty sure Willow knows what the deal is.
Craw doesn't though.
"What the hell do you have to do tomorrow? Dinner at mom and dad's isn't till Sunday."
I push myself up from my chair and start to pack up my stuff.
"I have a date. An early one, and I’m not sure what time I'll be over."
Their eyes widen and they smirk at me.
"Well maybe it'll be an all day and all night date." Willow winks at me and goes to high-five me. Not a chance. I just roll my eyes at her and leave her hanging with the high-five.
Craw covers his ears.
"Fucking gross, Willow."
She crosses her arms at him. "You know what, Craw? Your sister needs to get laid just like the rest of us, so if that happens tomorrow, so be it. Girl power!"
In unison Craw and I ask, "Girl power?"
"Oh, please, you know I love the Spice Girls. Whatever. Listen, all that aside, come out tonight. I haven't seen my cousin since August."
As I hook my work bag over my shoulder and retrieve my crutch, I ask, "And Max. You haven't seen him since Labor Day."
She blushes. Freaking Willow Taylor blushes. Crimson. Hmm...
She brushes my comment off like what I said doesn't mean a damn thing.
"Oh, yeah, him too...I guess. Okay, say you'll come and I'll help you grade those things Sunday."
I give in, wanting to see Max and Porter, and I haven't seen Thea in a few weeks, either, and she will be there. Since graduating from school and securing a job as a legal assistant at my dad's new firm, he's been monopolizing all her free time with a huge case they are working on.
"Okay, sounds fun."
I pick up Willow and Thea a few hours after the school day ends and we head downtown to a place that showcases live bands. When we get in the doors we maneuver through the crowd and Willow spots Porter by one of the main bars near the stage.
She takes off and Thea suddenly grabs my arms.
"Oh, crap. Wait, Har. Give me a sec."
She looks flushed and hangs her head down.
"What's wrong? You feeling okay?"
She nods, takes a deep breath, and we walk toward the bar.
Willow is in conversation with Porter when we stroll up. Porter sees me and smiles. He wraps his arms around me, lifts me up, and hugs me.
When he sets me down, he holds out his arms and looks at me.
"Wow, Har! You look fantastic. How are you feeling?"
Before I have a chance to speak, Willow, as usual speaks for me.
"She's awesome. Has a date tomorrow night with a guy." She winks at me.
Porter has a blank look on his face and blinks. "Really? Who's the guy?"
"He's a—"
Willow answers over me, "He's a hot new teacher from our school and they hooked up once and he's taking her out tomorrow night. How cool is that?"
Porter isn't sure what to say and I know why. Most likely he's surprised because I know he's used to seeing me with Cruz. I’m not stupid.
"I, um, I think that's good, Har. Good luck with that." His excitement is controlled, but that's okay. He's just shocked. I step aside and he looks up, staring, and I realize Thea is behind me.
He walks toward her. Thea's feet are planted on the ground and she fiddles with her hands.
"Thea," he says and just gives her a simple kiss on the cheek and turns back to the bar.
When I look at Thea, her eyes are shut and she swallows hard. I go over to her and place my arm around her shoulder. "Let's get a drink, girlie."
A little while later, I’m engaged in a conversation with Thea about how she loves her job at my dad's firm, but right now, because of the big case, she's busy as Dad’s right-hand girl right now. Willow and Porter catch up and we wait for the band to go on and I wonder where the hell my brother is.
"So, Daniel. Tell me more about him."
I tell Thea about how he moved here from Britain, about Henry, and his wife. She looks shocked and saddened. I tell her about the night in his kitchen, and how attracted I am to him. How I feel when I’m near him and the way my body hums when he's near. The beer is going a bit to my head and I feel like spewing all the dirty details, which is good because when I do, her jaw hangs open.
"Harlow Hannum. Look at you. I’m happy for you."
"You look different. I can't put my finger on it but you looked so relaxed and so unfazed by everything. Phyiscal therapy going well? And Dr. Goldberg’s sessions?"
"All is good, T." She leans over and gives me a hug.
"I miss you, Thea. I'll have to yell at my dad for keeping you from us."
She smiles. "No way! It's a great job and your dad takes great care of me. I’m grateful he has the confidence in me to do the job. It’s challenging but the experience has been so great.”
"I’m so glad." I pat her hand. "Now, any new guy news I should know about or is my dad taking so much of your time up that you have no time to find the right one?"
She looks to her left. I’m not sure what she's looking at, then she motions for the bartender to bring her a shot. "Fireball, please."
I sit straight on my barstool. "Cinnamon Whisky, Thea? What in the hell?"
He serves her shot and she downs it.
She coughs out, "Oh my God, that burns."
I laugh at her and she looks at me and giggles in her soft way.
"So I’m guessing there's no one special? Maybe? Yes, no?" I move my head around getting her to giggle again.
"It's complicated, Har. I’m way too busy with work and my mom hasn't been feeling all that good so we have to take her back for some more testing."
Thea's mom had breast cancer when we were sixteen and had a double mastectomy. Her dad passed a few years after that. She hasn't had it easy.
"Well, let's pray it's nothing." She nods, agreeing. She looks over my shoulder toward the door.
"Craw's here."
I turn and look and see my baby brother, and behind him...the man in my dreams.
***
As I see Craw and Cruz approach, being totally shocked and hoping he doesn't notice the way my face looks, I put on a pretend smile. I mask the way I start to feel anxious and I don't know why. It was a dream, and yes, I remembered something about us in my dream so why does it make me feel like this? Like I’m guilty of something.
Craw reaches us with Cruz in tow. He leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek and goes and grabs Thea for a hug and lingers with his arms around her for an over exuberant amount of time.
"Thea, baby. Long time no see. The old man working you hard at the office?"
Porter stands at Craw's side in a flash.
"Craw, how are you?" He takes his arms and pulls it away from Thea to shake it. He realizes Cruz is behind him and goes in for the bro hug. It's a love fest in here and I’m still perched on my bar stool, not making eye contact with him, or at least trying not to.
Still hugging him, Porter laughs. "Cruz, buddy. It's so great to see you. Congrats on the new job and with school and everything. I’m proud of you, man."
I have to greet him. I have to say hi. I can't make this situation awkward for either of us. I shimmy off my stool and jump with my feet hitting the floor and he stands right in my line of sight.
"Hey, Harlow. How are you?"
That's it? No hug, no hi, Turnip? Wait, get a grip Harlow. The man needs to move on. Not keep calling you by a silly nickname.
I can't quite make out what the tone of his voice is. It's small, teetering on mumbling.
I tuck a stray hair behind my ear and clear my throat. "I’m good, thanks for asking? And you?"
He nods. "Good. I’m good."
And that's it. He turns toward the bar and orders a beer.
Everyone is looking at me like I’m supposed to have all the answers to something, like I’m the one who should be engaging in conversation more with him.
And it's bullshit.
"Why are you all looking
at me like I stole your candy?"
They all shrug their shoulders, going back to their conversations.
What do they want me to do? This is the strangest thing to me. Standing not five feet from me was someone I loved, someone I had a future with. The man has seen me naked for God's sake. He looks good though. Not that he ever doesn't. I mean he's not at that bar for five seconds and there's two girls by his side. They are trying to get more of his attention but all he does is looks up at the flat screen TV that hangs over the bar. He gives the occasional nod, but that's it. They walk away looking sad. I'd love to have been a sitting there to listen to what they were saying to him. He leans onto the bar and places one of his army-boot-clad foot on the brass railing below. Cruz looks sad.
I feel an arm around my shoulder and it breaks my gaze away from the man in my dreams.
"He'll be fine, Har. I really don't think you'll be easy for him to get over. He invested a lot in the both of you. This is hard for him."
I look to Porter as his tall stature crowds me.
I look to Porter. He has been my friend for such a long time. I trust him and value his opinion.
"I know, P. He looks sad to me. Is he sad?"
Porter's face is blank. He doesn't say yes or no just looks at me silently asking what do I think?
Porter kisses the top of my head and the lights dim and out comes Max's band. We cheer and scream and I’m so happy to see that kid. Max is special. So fun, so caring, and fun to be around. Thea sits next to me on the stools because I’m afraid I'll get thrown around in the crowd. Even though I’m down to one crutch and PT only two days a week, I still have to stay on the side of caution. It doesn't mean I can't sway back and forth and bop in my seat to the way they are jamming. I stop at my two beers because I’m driving and start to sip on water. Willow dances with Craw and Porter, Thea and I sing along to one of the familiar covers the band does. The next song up is one I haven't heard in a while. It's a slow one, giving some of the patrons the opportunity to take a rest from their jumping around. Craw takes Willow on the dance floor and they dance silly. He swings her out, then back into his arms, doing a funny version of Dirty Dancing on the floor. They look like they're dry humping but Craw's face tells us he's just playing around with her. Guys that stand around them can't take their eyes off Willow. She's tall, blonde, thin, and fun. My best friend is the whole package.
As the song continues, my ears begin to ring. I mean I have to hold them with my hands, and I close my eyes and I see it. A vision. A memory.
He's here, sweating and panting and holding some kind of paper. Chad is beside me, his chest puffed out and I don't know why I’m crying? Why am I crying? What's wrong with me? Wait, Chad. Chad telling me that no matter what I do, I will never find anyone who gives a shit about me. I'll never find anyone who thinks I’m worth it. Then Cruz is there and he speaks. "If you don't feel the same, let me know. If there's doubt in there." He points to my heart.
"Walk away, and if you just want to be friends, well, I'll have to learn to live with that part, but I won't live without you in my life."
Then I can feel kissing and I can feel his skin on mine. His lips, his hands, his touch. I feel them.
The song!
I open my eyes and keep my hands on my ears. Thea is in front of me and I can't speak. I can't move although I need to I need to run away, go outside and leave here.
"Harlow, Harlow. Look at me, honey. What's wrong?"
I shake my head trying to get the image out of my head. He and I on the dock. Kissing, feeling each other, making love. I fucking remember us having sex.
I hop off my stool and fall on my ass, and before I can get myself up, someone is lifting me from under my legs and around my shoulders and I’m being carried away. I close my eyes and hold my ears. Then the rush of cold air hits my face as I’m placed on a bench outside of the bar.
"Harlow, open your eyes. Tell me what's wrong. What happened, Turnip?"
My eyes, yes they pop open at the sound of his voice, as he calls me his pet name for me. I can't believe he's the one who carried me out, but now he's in front of me crouched down holding my hands on my lap.
I lean over and tell him, "I’m going to get sick." I lean over the side of the bench and throw up.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"Two beers," I answer.
He looks at me funny as I wipe at my mouth.
Without even asking him, he hands me a piece of gum.
"Thanks," I say, so absolutely embarrassed.
He stands up and crosses his arms in front and talks sternly to me.
"You going to tell me what the fuck that was in there, Har? You looked awful and you scared me."
I would do anything to avoid having this conversation right now.
So I stay silent.
Not for long.
"Harlow!" he growls.
I look up at him. "Can we go somewhere and talk? Please? And not here."
The crew comes out asking all sorts of questions. They all look concerned, but that's okay, I’m okay. Not really, but I might as well tell myself that.
Cruz speaks on my behalf. "She doesn't feel well. She threw up when we got out here. I’m going to go take her home." He asks Thea for my purse which she brought outside with her.
"Who drove?" he asks her. Thea motions to me. He grabs the keys from inside my purse and hands them to Thea.
"You and Willow or Craw drive her car home later. I'll drive her to her house and make sure she's okay before I leave."
He grabs me again like he did inside the bar, hooks my crutch Craw brought out into the crook of his arm, and carries me to his car.
I don't fight him, and I try my damnedest not to argue with him, but I do anyway.
"Cruz, you don't have to carry me. I can walk for God's sake."
He doesn't answer me, just gets to his car, opens the passenger side door, and puts me in like a freaking baby. I’m not a freaking baby.
The whole ride to my house, he says nothing. Neither do I. This strangeness and silence is almost deafening and I just want to go home. I told him I need to talk to him but what am I going to say? Oh, a song that Max's band played triggered another memory? Do I tell him about the memory I had in my dream last night? I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. I never thought drama would follow me for as long as it has. First Chad, then my choice to end my pregnancy which led to me never being able to have a child. Then my accident, and everything that has followed since. We drive through the streets of Princeton, passing Grayson-Elders, and at each stop light I glance over at him but his eyes are securely on the road in front of him. I can't read what he's thinking.
We get to my house and he parks in the driveway. I tell him I can walk to the door and he doesn't protest. He hands me my crutch and he goes right to my door and unlocks it.
Unlocks it with a key? He gave my keys to Thea.
When I get to the door, he holds it open and says, "Sorry, I never gave your key back to you."
He dips his head down and I walk in the house. Saying that pained him. I can see it in his face and it motivates me to make the decision to tell him what I’ve been remembering.
I lean my crutch on the wall and walk into my living room.
"Sit down,” I tell him. He stands there in the entrance to my living room. His hands buried deep inside his pants pockets, he kicks the floor below slightly with his boot.
"I’m fine. I just want to make sure you feel well, that everything is okay before I go home."
I make my way to my sofa and sit, patting the seat beside me.
"Come and sit for a minute. There are a few things I want to talk to you about."
He reluctantly walks over and sits and as far away from me as possible.
"The house looks good. I haven't been here in a long time."
I lean back on the sofa and sigh. "Yeah, I know."
He sits up and looks at me, astonished by my words.
"What do you mean
, you know?" I make myself a little more comfortable even though I’m feeling very far from that.
"Cruz." I swallow hard and I know I have to tell him about my memories and that there will be no going back. He has to know. He needs to know. He deserves to know.
"I dreamt about you, about us."
"You what?" He looks bewildered and asks again, "you...you remember something about us?"
Now I have to make it clear that, yes in fact I remember, but it's in bits and pieces. I explain to him about my dream, about the dock and sticking our feet in the water. He just sits and stares waiting on my next words with baited breath. I get the courage to tell him the rest, swallowing my fear I have buried inside.
"And tonight at the bar, Max's band played a song they wrote and used to perform at Jax. When I heard it...," I pause. I don't think I have the Harlow big balls I think I have.
"Yeah, what about it?"
I don't answer. He inches closer on the sofa to me and his pleading eyes search me as though he knows with just a look, I will tell him. Does he or did he hold that kind of power over me? I think about my dream when he told me not to be afraid when I’m with him, and you know what? I’m not afraid when I’m with him. I’m fucking terrified and only because when I look at him in such close proximity, his blue eyes staring at me, I’m so afraid of remembering any more than I already have about us. I’m afraid of letting go and letting all the memories in, which will only baffle me further. I know at this point I can't not tell him.
"I...um, well the song. It was playing the first night we told each other how we felt about each other. I remember the paper towel. I remember Chad being there and I remember you saying to me..."
It's just too late at this point to keep my threatening tears inside so I let them roll down my face. A look of great concern appears on his face when I begin to cry so he gets in front of me on his knees, his hands on either side of my legs on the sofa.
I choke back a sob and he takes my hand and rubs it, whispering to me, "It's okay, Har. Tell me."
"You told me that you would rather have me in your life as your friend if I didn't want us to happen than not have me in your life at all."
He nods smiling gently. His voice is still so soft, so soothing and calm.