by M. R. Joseph
My phone buzzes beside me on the bedside table and I reach for it, careful not to wake up Cruz.
Daniel.
I ease my way from under his arm, snake my way out of the bed, and out the door to the hall bathroom.
I close the door and answer.
"Hi," I whisper.
"Hey there, beautiful. How was your night?"
I smile, but then my heart sinks thinking about what I admitted to Cruz and how my stomach did flip-flops in a good way when I saw that it was Daniel calling.
"Um, it was fun."
His voice tells me he knows there's something not right, "You okay, darling? You don't sound like yourself."
"I’m, I’m fine. Just tired is all."
"Okay."
"I think I’m going to come home tonight. It looks like it's going to rain so no use in staying."
"Oh, wow. Okay. Would you like to come over and have supper with us? We can show you pictures of Henry in his costume from last night. Oh, and Ally will be here and she wants to meet you."
The thought of seeing Daniel today causes all kinds of emotions and feelings to stir inside. I want to see him. I really do.
I rest my hands on the sink and look at myself in the mirror. I feel so awful. Here I was in bed with another man and now Daniel is asking me to see him, and I want to. Nausea comes full speed and hits me, but I choke it down.
"Yes, I'd love that. I can't wait to meet Ally and see the pictures. I should be home around six. I gotta run but I'll see you soon."
Daniel goes to say something, but he pauses. Only unrecognizable sounds come out for a brief minute until he tells me, "Harlow, I...I miss you."
I swallow and look at the person in the mirror and wonder who I’ve become as the words come out of my mouth, "I miss you too, Daniel. ’Bye." I press end on the phone.
The words are true, but they still make me sick. What Cruz and I shared last night, the things we said to each other, I can't forget all that. Daniel and I haven't put a label on what we are, but we know we want to be together. But last night down at the dock, well damn it, I wanted to be with Cruz. As much as Daniel was in my thoughts I knew at that moment I needed to be with Cruz.
I hear a knock at the door.
"Yeah?"
"Turnip? You okay in there?"
I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. My heart swells as I hear him call me his pet name. Still keeping them closed tightly I answer, "Yes, I’m fine. I’m just brushing my teeth." I quickly brush and look up at myself again.
This person staring me in the mirror is not who I want to be, but love and the universe have given me no choice. I think I may possibly be falling in love with the man who just called me, and I’m pretty sure I love the man who is on the other side of this door. So I guess, like it or not, this is who I am.
I walk out of the bathroom and his gorgeous face lights up when he sees me, his blue eyes sparkling and warming my heart.
"Good morning," he smiles and says.
"Mornin." I smile at him and make my way back into my room and flop on the bed. The house is quiet. Everyone must still be sleeping. I haven't even looked to see what time it is.
Cruz follows me into the room and I cover my eyes with my forearm and close them. I have lots to figure out. The room is quiet, which right now I like.
"Do you want to talk?" Cruz asks.
"What about?" My answer comes out a little cold.
I feel the bed dip next to me and he pulls my arm off my eyes. He knows what I was trying to do. Avoid eye contact. I still don't look at him, only up at the ceiling.
"Are we going to play this game where you pretend I’m not in the room and we just go around like business as usual?" He sounds a bit standoffish and I know he doesn't deserve being spoken to in such a cold way.
I turn and look at him. I tuck my hand under my cheek and face him.
He lies down and does the same so we are practically nose to nose.
"I’m not playing any games, Cruz. You just need to understand I have a lot going on in my head right now." He places his hand on my head and rubs it gently. I close my eyes softly and sink into the feeling of his touch. So natural, so full of love. Familiar.
"I’m going to do my best to be patient and understanding and I was thinking a lot when you fell asleep last night."
I blink at him. "You didn't fall asleep when I did?"
Still stroking my hair, he whispers, "I was afraid if I closed my eyes, when I opened them you wouldn't be here."
These are the sort of words I never expected to hear from Raphael Cruz, but the more my broken brain allows the missing pieces to fit together, the more I know, and the more I realize that this man is capable of anything.
"Cruz...listen—" He interrupts me.
"Wait, let me finish. When I was thinking, I think the best thing is to give you your space. I know I have to let you figure things out in your head and I don't want to push you away. I’m here—always have been—and I’m not going anywhere but here." He moves his hand and places it onto my chest and he closes his eyes when he finds my heartbeat.
"Thank you." That's all I can say for now. No other words can come out until I wrap my head around all of this. He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes breathing in his scent. The sounds of thunder rolls in and I drift back to sleep, feeling so warm wrapped in his arms. Safe. Cherished.
***
Cruz wasn't going back to Princeton. He was going to visit his brother, sister-in-law and nephew till tomorrow. I haven't talked to Bella in a long time. I needed to put some distance there because of everything that had happened, but I told him to give them my love. When we said goodbye, it wasn't one of those long, exaggerated ones with tears and hugs and passionate kisses. When we left each other it was a simple kiss, nothing outrageous, and we just told each other we'd talk soon. Leaving him wasn't easy. I felt the loss as soon as he pulled away in his car. That was something I hadn't felt for him before. Or had I?
Willow, Max, Thea, and Porter were going to stay in Sandy Cove till tomorrow. Max's band is playing again tonight, but Craw decided to come home with me. Of course, a million questions by all of them were asked and I told them I would fill them in later. Last night was a hell of a night and to rehash it all and explain what’s going on between Cruz and I would just exhaust me more than I already am.
That doesn't mean Craw doesn't grill me for the entire drive.
"So what the hell does all this mean then, Har? Are you going to try and work things out? What about Daniel? Do you love them both? What about—" I stop him.
"Craw, please. Gimme a break. It's been a really long twenty-four hours and I’m still trying to sort things out in my mind, and as you know, sometimes it doesn't work so well."
He shakes his leg up and down in the passenger’s seat like he does when he's nervous. It's getting annoying so I grab his thigh and still his leg.
"Would you please stop that?" He rolls his eyes and takes out a cigarette from the pack in his pocket.
"Craw, don't you even dare light that in my car. I will kick your ass."
He stuffs it back in the small box and looks over at me with a look of stupidity on his face.
"Like I'd do that? But you know how I get when I’m nervous. Especially when it comes to you, Har."
I tilt my head and reach out my hand to dishevel his hair. "Aw, baby brother, I know." I take in a deep breath and lean a little farther into the steering wheel as I concentrate on the road.
"Oh, Craw. I have so much to think about. You know a few years ago, all I wanted to do was to love and be loved, and I wasn't. Now it's reciprocated from all angles and I don't know which one to choose. Even if I have a choice."
"But you said it yourself. You and Daniel have no labels. He didn't call you his girlfriend, nor did you call him your boyfriend. Am I right?"
At a red light I bang my head on the steering wheel. "Ugh, labels. I hate labels. Who at the age of twenty-three labels stuff? Boyfriend, girlf
riend, significant other. To answer your question, no we haven't labeled ourselves that but, I mean...most every day when I wake up I can't wait to get to school to see him, and then at night after he puts Henry to bed, we talk for hours and it's my favorite time of the day."
I can't help but smile thinking about our deep conversations. I consider when he told me about the day his wife Emily died, the day Henry was born, and how much he struggled with the decision to come to the U.S. to start a new life for the both of them. Our fun conversations are magical. Lots of laughter, lots of making fun of one another and the hot, sexy ones, well those are just...well for my ears only.
"Har, do you think you're in love with him?"
I don't answer and he never pushes me for one. I don’t answer him, because to do that, I would have to know myself. "He invited me over tonight to meet his sister. Want to go with me?"
Craw looks at me with a sullen expression.
"Really, Har? Hang out with you and your non-labeled boyfriend, his kid, and his little sister? Sounds like a helluva Saturday night, but no thanks."
"Oh, come on. Please. If you don't want to stay long, I'll bring you home and go back. Just come with me and get to know him outside of school." I give him puppy-dog eyes that I know he can't resist and he shakes his head as an indication that I just won this battle.
***
I pull up to Daniel's home. Craw complained about going with me for the last hour of the trip home from Sandy Cove. After me telling him to shut his trap about a hundred times, he did. Reluctantly, but he did. We walk up and I knock on the door.
"Now, Craw, be nice to his sister. I think she's young so try and start up a conversation with her about beginning college next fall. Make her feel comfortable."
He mumbles and shuffles his feet while we stand there.
"Oh, great. First the kid, then I gotta pretend to entertain the teenage sister of my sister's...whatever he is. This fucking sucks already." I smack him in the head.
"Watch it." The door opens and standing there is a beautiful, petite, blonde-haired girl with bright brown eyes and a smile that lights up the front porch we stand on.
No handshakes are exchanged, just wide open arms and I’m suddenly enveloped into a hug by Ally Mathewson. I look at Craw with wide eyes but he's sort of busy picking his jaw up from off the floor.
"Oh, Harlow, it's so nice to finally meet you. I’m so glad you decided to come by." She let's me go but grabs my hands excitedly.
"Me too, Ally. I’ve heard so much about you."
"Likewise," she replies. Then Craw clears his throat and she turns to look at him.
Apparently it's a jaw dropping kind of night because this girl has the same look on her face as my dumb brother.
"And who is this?" Ally asks, barely getting the words out.
Before I can even speak, Craw extends his hand to her.
"I’m Crawford Hannum, Harlow's brother. It's a pleasure to meet you, Ally."
Crawford Hannum? Since when does he use his given name?
Ally takes his hand and instead of Craw shaking it, he brings her hand to his mouth and kisses it.
Oh my God.
Daniel comes to the door smiling brightly with Henry on his hip.
"Harlow! Craw! Oh, wow. So good to see you both. Ally, why didn't you invite them in right away."
She stutters, "I...um, I was about to but I...."
Daniel looks at Ally's hand still in Craw's. He looks to me then back at them and grins and wiggles his eyebrows.
"Well, come on in. Henry's been asking about you since I told him you were coming."
We walk inside, Craw, allowing Ally in before he does, but not me. I follow them in the house and we all go into the living room. Daniel offers us a seat and asks us if we want anything to drink. Henry runs to me and gives me a hug.
"Miss Hannum, want to see my costume from Halloween?"
I nod and in a flash he runs to his room.
Daniel comes back from the kitchen with drinks and we sit and wait for Darth Vader to make his appearance. Henry is dressed head to toe in black with a mask that makes the infamous crazy breathing noises like Vader.
"Wow, Henry, Oh, I mean Vader. You look very dangerous."
He starts whipping around his light saber and almost hits Craw in the face, not like he was paying attention anyway. His focus is on the pretty blonde sitting across from him.
Daniel grabs it and tells Henry that's enough. We ask about Halloween and then Daniel tells me he needs to ask my opinion about something in the hall bathroom. Something about a new shower curtain.
I agree, not questioning it. When we excuse ourselves and make our way to the bathroom, Daniel tugs me into the bathroom and attacks my lips with fiery kisses that send all the nerve endings in my body to stand at attention. He cradles my face and my hands snake around to his back. I dig my nails into his shirt and he moans in my mouth. The sounds he makes and the way he kisses me turns me into jelly. My legs and arms feel weak. Not twenty-four hours ago I was kissing another man who made me feel the same way.
He stops kissing my lips for a moment but keeps planting soft kisses up and down my neck toward my ear.
"How is it possible to miss you so much after being apart from you for such a small amount of time?"
As much as I am enjoying this and don't want him to stop, and how much I’m loving the sweet words that flow from his lips, I’m the first to pull away and he looks a bit disappointed.
I touch my lips that have a good burn still to them.
"Daniel, they are all downstairs. Maybe...um, we should wait and do this when there aren't three other people ten feet away, including your son." I smile as I say it and he nods and chuckles agreeing with me.
We make our way downstairs to a night filled with Ally and Craw—or Crawford which Ally keeps referring to him as, and he's not correcting her—and Daniel and I talking about just about everything. Henry falls asleep in his costume and Daniel takes him to bed. When he's gone, I feel like the third wheel between Craw and Ally. They sit beside each other, deep in conversation. As I wait for Daniel to come down, my head is filled with worry and I know that sooner or later I need to tell Daniel about Cruz. He needs to know I was once in love with someone, deeply. He deserves to know that my memories of us are slowly resurfacing and I think I carry the same feelings for him as I do for Cruz. I’m so scared that if I tell him, that will be a deal breaker for him. Can I allow this to happen? Can I allow myself to feel something for two people? I can’t lie to Daniel anymore. I care so much about him. I wish…Oh God, how I wish my brain worked the same as it used to. I wish I wasn’t in this situation. Choosing isn’t fair. Someone always gets hurt.
When Daniel comes down, we keep the conversation light. He says he thinks he is going to go to England over Christmas break to see Emily's father instead of him coming here.
It's getting late and it's been a long day. I must have yawned a dozen times during our conversations and I must have apologized the same amount. It doesn't seem to bother him as our hands continue to be linked together over the back of the sofa. This feels so natural, so right, but yet as I sit here and talk with Daniel, my mind can't help thinking about Cruz and how powerful his words to me were last night. His touch, the gentle way he told me how he felt about me, keeps my mind racing about how I’m going to figure all of this out.
"It's late and you look exhausted. It's okay if you want to call it a night."
I smile at him because he knows me. So soon, so fast, but he does.
Daniel stands first and offers me his hand. He pulls me up from my seat.
"Craw, let's get going. I’m really tired."
Ally jumps up. "Oh, Harlow, I, um, I can take him home later if that's okay?"
Craw is right behind her. "Har, she offered. I think we may go grab a drink downtown. It's still early." He looks like that cartoon puppy with the floppy ears and long tongue extending to the ground. "You okay with that, Har?"
Daniel int
errupts. "Ally, you can't get into a bar. You're only twenty." Ally rolls her eyes at him.
"Seriously, Dan. Twenty-year-old kids get into bars. Not like I’ve never before."
Craw pleads for her case even more. "I know everyone in every bar downtown and she'll have no problems getting in."
Daniel crosses his arms in front of him, defensively. "And you are going to go to a bar, underage, drink, then take Craw home? Not sounding like a good idea, Ally."
I’m not going to get in the middle of this. They are grown adults and I know Daniel is protective of her, but she seems like a smart girl.
"Dan, I won't drink. It's not necessary. I'll be okay and just sip on water or something." He looks at her and winks. "Okay, I trust you. Have fun."
Craw goes and shakes Daniel's hand and Ally kisses him on the cheek. Craw follows suit and does the same with me.
"I'll call you tomorrow, Har." They bolt out the door and Daniel and I stand there at the whirlwind that just took place.
He takes his hand and rubs the back of his neck. "Did my sister and your brother just go out with each other?"
I laugh because it's the first time I have ever seen Craw act like that with a girl. You would have thought he had just seen heaven when Ally opened the door to greet us. Craw used to swap war stories about girls he's been with to his friends, but in all honesty, I thought my brother was gay. My hand to God I did. Now, just from the look on his face the whole night as he sat and talked to her, hanging on her every word, I know that it's not true.
I grab my purse and keys and walk to the door. Daniel goes to open it, but stills his hand with his palm wide open on the door. Not turning to look at me he says, "Stay. Please, Harlow, stay."
I want to with every fiber of my being. I want this man to take me upstairs and have his wicked way with me. This is something I want, but I can't do it, not tonight. Him fucking me will not solve any problems. It'll only confuse me and I’m already confused enough. Maybe coming here straight from spending the night with Cruz was a bad idea. I know that if I let Daniel make love to me tonight, it will be a mistake of epic proportions.
I walk closer to the door and place my hand on his back.